A Single Parents Life

{October 19, 2014}   Tactless he is

Where father of the year works they have houses that they rent out to their employees. They rent them rather cheap because they aren’t really in great areas and they don’t put a lot of maintenance into them. With the way things have been the last few weeks I told father of the year he needed to look into renting the one they have open or seeing if they had others open. Because he will not look for anything and will live like this forever if I don’t say something. He had a friend that wanted to be room-mates a few months ago and he pissed around until he did something else.

I asked him why he didn’t do that he had 101 excuses from he didn’t think he was reliable to they couldn’t find any place to he didn’t have money. All of  which I pointed out was wrong. He is as reliable as anyone else he isn’t going to find someone that is perfect or to many people willing to rent a place with him. He wanted me to let him rent a room here but father of the year is in the only spot I would have to give him. He wanted to rent here because he knows we aren’t going to party all the time take the money and spend it and not pay bills and things like that. He is younger than we are but he seems to be pretty reasonable. We have known him since he was a kid. He came over many times telling us about places he had found, what they were like where they were, how much they were and what they would need to move in. Father of the year would just sit there and listen and never say anything like he wasn’t the least bit interested. Because he wasn’t he has no plan of moving. He tried saying he had no money when he wanted to get a place but that was wrong too because we had been talking about how things were caught up and would be a good time for him to get something.

When I said something about the house the company has he went right to making excuses about it. I will say it isn’t in great shape but he has had options and didn’t take them. The money to move in as he says he don’t have he wouldn’t need as they just move in and start paying rent no upfront fees. I know how he is he would fix it up and clean it with bleach and things from top to bottom so I wouldn’t be worried about the kids going over there. The area isn’t great but it is ok. No worse than where I am really at this point probably.

We talked about this a few times the last week or so and he was supposed to ask about it. Of course every time I asked if he did he say he hadn’t gotten to it hadn’t had time, the guy was out sick. or something. But he has to go in and talk to the lady every morning no matter what he has to go turn his paperwork in and find out where he is out and all. He could take 2 minutes to say hey I would like to know about renting that house that is sitting over there empty. He just don’t want to and hopes someone else would get to it first so he can say he tried but they rented it before he could. I finally told him if he didn’t call and ask her about it I was going to call and ask her and move his stuff over there myself. He don’t have that much wouldn’t take long. Be worth it to get him out of my house. He finally asked but they said the last guy who lived there gutted it. He tore the air out along with pipes and wiring. They found a bunch of drug stuff in it when they cleaned it out. This is the story I got anyway. But the guy is still working for him. I asked him how he still had his job if he did all this stuff he said he didn’t know. I am going to have my friend J’s husband ask them about it see what they say.

I wondered why he told them he was asking about it so I asked him. He said he told her that we had been fighting a lot lately and he needed to get out and get a place. I said oh so basiacly she is throwing me out I have no where to go poor me? He just looked at me stupid for a minute and said no. I said why didn’t you tell them the truth this was only a temp thing that you didn’t move here to stay it wasn’t supposed to last two years or more like it has and that now things have been taken care of and your ready to get your own place. He said well I don’t know they don’t need to know all the details. No they don’t just the ones that make it look like poor pitiful him he has the wicked wife that treats him so bad. Not that this place is supposed to been mine and the kids he was supposed to get a place. That yeah I want him out because again we have holes in the doors and walls like every other place we have lived together. I am so tired of having holes in my walls and doors because he gets mad and decides to put his fist through them. I am ready to just call the cops and let them deal with him when he has his little fits and dose the things he dose but I don’t want my kids to see their dad go to jail and who knows what else may happen with the things he has said. He knows what he is doing and how they all feel so sorry for him. It makes me sick. The way he snows everyone and the way they all believe it when they can see I’m the one here all the time and have the kids 24/7 doing everything for them and taking care of their schooling and everything else. It just pisses me off more and more every day that he is here that he is here and walks around like ha ha you can’t do anything about it. I can’t even find a baby sitter because they don’t want to be around him and he comes home if he knows someone is here with the kids watching them. He pops in and out all day just to because.

{October 15, 2014}   If I Had A $1

I am so tired of hearing how I just need to get laid I’d feel better. I’m tired of all the offeres to help me out, or just to have some fun. My favorite to help someone else out and have a good time as well, because I’m the safe one. I won’t expect more, I won’t cause problems later, I won’t tell anyone or let it out. Because I’m the one who will keep everyones little secrite safe because I’m the trusted one. If I had a $1 for every offer I have had I could walk no make that run a way from the situation I am in and not have to ever worry about looking back or ending back up like this again.

I don’t know if I should be flatered or insaulted that so many “guys” want to sleep with me. I mean really its not like I’m anything special or great to look at. Feel far from it really. Lets face it if I was then why haven’t I found someone decent and who cares about me and more than just hooking up? Since I’m not anything specail or that great is that then why they feel I’ll say yes and keep their secret? What do they really feel that I can’t get it else where so they can pat theirself on the back for doing a good deed?

I just honestly don’t get it. Why is it so hard for them to blevie no I haven’t been with anyone in two years and that yes in that way I am fine and happy with that. Why is that so hard to believe? Why is it so hard to believe that right now yes I would love to have a relationship but I’m not interested in nor want sex. I just want someone to be there to come in after a day at work or not seeing eachother and just have that hug and a kiss not expecting anything more.

If it is and this is how all guys are abd there aren’t any men out there any more than I think I would be just fine if I wasn’t with someone again. Because I want more than a good time and to be someones go to. If I’m just going to be here for a good time and someones safe go to then I’m going to have to charge because at that point its just something else on my already long list of things to do.

{October 15, 2014}   Catching Up

I can’t believe it has been over a month since I posted. It has been one hell of a month and a half. As you all know I decided to pull the kids out of school and home school them right before school started back. We decided to take the first month off and just relaxed. September’s lessons were all planed around September 11. I wanted them to really understand it and how where AL Qaeda  started and things like that. Then we did lessons on September 11 and then about the memorials for September 11. I was trying to put together lessons for October and it has been a flop. My oldest is a way staying with her great grandma so I just printed her workbook pages to do why she is gone. She don’t care if she misses things that we do she is more of a just give me the pages let me get them done. I am having a horrible time finding what works for my son. We have went to try and get services with the school board for speech, language and ot. They have been  pleasant to say the least. They are asking questions and things about what he is learning. I have no clue what level he is really on they are pushing math and I have to keep bumping him back to keep from having melt downs and him from freezing up. I finally bumped him back to 1 st grade. We go Friday to get him and my oldest tested to see where they are and where there are gaps that need to be filled in. I am in the process of trying to get a scholarship for him. I am praying I get it because if I do then I can hire a tutor to help him with his math. It will open up more options for curriculum that I can get for him.

My youngest had a 3 hours evaluation last month to see what services they are willing to offer him. I am hoping that they will put him in school but I don’t know if they are going to or not. We finally go to a meeting on Halloween to see what they are willing to offer. Who knows how long it will take them to start them, probably won’t be until school is about to get out knowing them.

Things haven’t been great between me and father of the year. We went camping two Friday’s ago and it was just a breaking point.  The trip was great minus him being there and the huge fight we had all day before we went. I am having problems with the transmission in my truck. I had to borrow my dads van to go on the trip. I told father of the year we needed to leave by 3 to get to where we were going on time. He tells them at work he will work until 2:30. We talked about it and that I would get my dads van the day before so that we could get it packed and all we would have to do is drop the dog off and go. I went and got it and spent the day running around trying to get everything taken care of that needed to be done before we left. He didn’t get home until about 8 that night I told him we needed to get some clothes washed and things packed and the truck packed so we could leave and get there on time. He just ate and walked off and laid down with the little one. I asked him for the suit cases and he said he didn’t know where they were. He didn’t offer to find them or do anything else. The next day things just got worse at time I should be leaving he tells me when I still haven’t found the suit case that oh he forgot it is baried in his closet full of his stuff. When he got home things just got much much worse.

Then he sat here yelling and screaming at me how I don’t care about my son and how I am and what I am again. I told him how much I really hated him and hated him being here and that I want him out of the house and to get his own place that he needs to grow up be a man and stop making everyone miserable. He started about RC and how he was and needed to do and why we aren’t together why he was talking about how I was. My poor little guy was tell him not to yell at his mommy and to leave me alone. I know my older son could hear all that was said and going on. I feel so horrible over it all. We were in other rooms but when father of the year is yelling it as loud as he could and punching holes in doors.

We got in another big fight again Monday because he won’t find a place. He just keeps making excuses like always and talking about how he is just so worried about the kids. He wants to make sure the kids have a place. Really if he wanted to make sure they had a place then he would have filled out the paper work and turned in to keep the house they had lived in most their life. He was hell set on keeping it until they needed a place to stay then stopped trying to keep it and let them take it. leaving us homeless at the holidays. Or when we were in the last house and he would piss the money a way til everything got behind and we lost the place. Refused to come home so that I could go to work. all the same old stuff that he still dose. Like now sitting over there sleeping on the couch in a pill of clothes that needs to be folded. A bunch of stuff that needs to be done with the therapist coming tomorrow. I have said something a few times since he came in and he just looks at me and walks off. There is so much that needs to be done and he says well just do it. I don’t care. Of course he don’t. Would mean he don’t have to do anything but walk in and out as he pleases have a maid, cook, and babysitter like old times. I take care of everything with bills, schooling, doctors, kids, meetings for services, trips with the kids and the home school group. He had a fit because I didn’t have a sitter for the kids why I had to take one to their meeting and he had to take a couple hours off work. Got mad because they were pissed because he asked the day before. He knew that he needed to be here with them weeks before but didn’t bother to ask until the day before. The other meeting I had he showed up at time for us to be there before he come pulling up.

I can’t take it any more living like this. Friday before we left for camping I was locked in the bathroom sitting on the floor with three of the other kids running around doing whatever. I told him and my friend that I was done. I was calling RC and telling him that he needed to get the baby I would drive her to him or whatever but that I was done doing it. I told father of the year that I was calling him to come and get her and that he needed to come be with the other three because I wasn’t doing this any more. So then he had a fit about that and that I couldn’t call her dad and send her to stay with him blah blah. How horrible I was and how I am. He acts like it is such a horrible thing that I think they should be helping and being fathers to their kids. That I am a horrible person because I can’t be here and do this all 24/7 and never be a way from the kids for even an hour or two. If I get time with out them that I am not rushing to get back home or being called and pestered about coming home more than once a year it is a miracle and I am a horrible person for it. But they walk off and either never come around call or pay a penny for anything or stick around and be complete ass and do nothing but make things harder than they already are or have to be.

My friend J’s husband got a job at the shop where father of the year tows for. I have heard how horrible I am how horrible poor father of the year of the year is treated and how horrible I am. And of course the pity party for him. Yet again I am left being the one that is wrong he is Mr. Wonderful. God only knows what RC told them so I am sure they all really think I am who knows what and only makes them feel that much sorrier for him. Although I’m the one here doing it all why they flit around and do nothing or be asses. I guess I should get off here and spent the night doing things that need to be done around here. Because if I don’t do them myself they will never get done. I have been so depressed that all I want to do is sleep and as soon as I get the baby a sleep at night I go to sleep too. Big reason I haven’t been on in so long. I promise I will try be back more.

{August 28, 2014}   Too Sick

I finally have a few minutes to stop and post. I have been dealing with really sick kids for a week or so now. As it slowly went through all 4 kids they decided to share with me as well. I just in the last 24 hours have started to feel human again. At lest 3 of the kids seem to be feeling a lot better. My poor itty bitty seems like she is having a backlash I don’t understand why she isn’t done with the meds yet. Guess we will be going back to the doctor if things don’t seem to be turning around tomorrow.

Just as I started to get everything caught up with my 30 day challenge this hit. I’m not even going to try to catch up this time there is to many days gone. I am just going to pick up where I left off and go from there until I finish it. Better than quitting and giving it up. Right now I must go see what the thump was and why the baby is now crying.

I feel that addiction is a sickness, that can take over someone with out them even realising until it is to late. I’m sure that most people did not set out to be come addicted to some anything. I think they made some not so great decisions that ended in something completely unexpected. It is something that is very hard to over come and most will struggle their entire life to either become clean or stay clean. A lot of people do not want these people around and feel that they will do all kinds of horrible things when they are on their drug of choice. Or that they are just not worthy of being around because they could just do like everyone else if they really wanted to or worried they may steal from them or bring the wrong people around. While yes some of this is true to a point we can’t just turn our backs on these people either. No i am not going to invite them to come hang out at my house around my kids high or to do their drugs in my home or have it around me or my children. But at the same time if they are trying to straighten up, get clean, change their ways, or whatever you want to call it then I am not going to shun them because of their past. No matter how resent it may or may not have been. Just because they stray and maybe use again along the way don’t make them a bad person or mean they are not trying. It just means they are human and like the rest of us they trip along the way.

I had a friend that I was trying to help years back. He was a friends son and even though I had known her for a long time I had not met him until much later. He didn’t live far but he wasn’t around much he worked and things had his own place already when we met. I lost contact with her for a while and in the mean time her daughter had a medical procedure done and passed a way from compilations. She was doing better but still had her days and her son was staying with her and her other son off and on. I met him and father of the year had met him before and knew him as well. I didn’t know he knew them either when we first got together. But we started taking him to church with us and letting him come over and hang out. He would come stay the night or stay the weekend and we would sit up and play games watch movies and go do stuff. The kids loved having him over he would play with them and run around with like a kid. It was sad because he told me his problem started after his sister passed a way. They were really close and he got really depressed. His mom fell into a bad depression as well. She started taking something for it and started giving him some of hers instead of taking him to get help. It just snow balled from there.

When I met RC I had no idea about his problem and never suspected a thing. Then look at everything I found, figured out and was told once shit hit the fan. He still denies it to the last day I seen him over a year ago.

I know they are both really good people but when you self medicate it turns into a really bed situation that gets out of hand very fast and is hard to come back from. This is one big reason I do not take pain pills for my back, and don’t go get something to help with depression. I know that I could really benifit from something to help with depression and stress at times. There are days that I can hardly move and could take a pill and feel so much better. But what happens when that one pill stops helping with the depression or that little pill stops helping with the pain? They up your amount or they change it to something stronger before you know it you are addicted and you can’t get off them if you want to. They say they help you slowly come off of them but your body has gotten so dependent on it that you have to keep taking them. It just isn’t good for your health to take them all the time either. I have more good days than bad right now and I can still move I haven’t gotten so bad I can’t function or move with out taking something. I am just holding off and waiting praying that there doesn’t come a time that the bad days out number the good and if it dose it don’t last long. That the pain stays it a point I can handle it and not get down and unable to do anything. I pray that as the pain grows my pain tolerance grows with it. Because I don’t know if I can bring myself to take something all the time for either one. I will take something for my back once in a great great while.

Alcohol is ok in moderation and if you can handle it.  I don’t think a drink or two or beer or two a night is horrible. As long as you aren’t getting drunk every night or you can’t not drink because of getting sick or not being able to function with out it. Even to go out or stay home with friends it isn’t a big deal if you have a few more than normal or what. You just have to know your limits and make sure that you are drinking safely and not driving or responsible for taking care of kids and things if you are going to have more than a few once in a while. I know people who drink beer like it is cool aid and that is crazy and sad. To think how much they drink in a day and how it is effecting them. How they can’t live or function with out it. I just don’t get it. I like to drink once in a while and use to have one in the evenings with RC most the time when he would come home and we got the kids to bed. We would sit and talk. Sometimes I would have a couple. He would come home and make me a drink why I was making dinner or something. But we never had more than a couple if we had the kids with us and even if we didn’t we were always able to go and get them if need be.

I do feel that if you are trying to quite anything be it drugs or achlahal you can’t get rid of one and replace it with the other or something else like it to try and get clean. I know my friend went from the drugs to drinking to try to help things. It didn’t help anything he just became a drunk. One of the reasons I stopped letting him come to my house. He got to where he just wanted to come over so he could drink because his mom and brother wouldn’t let him drink at their house. I didn’t hardly ever drink back then and didn’t drink in front of my kids at all. I told him he couldn’t come there and drink either if I wasn’t doing it in front of my kids he couldn’t either. I know RC had started to drink a lot for a little bit there before we got to together I also think he had stopped the pills for a little while why we were together. I think he was trying to quite the one and cut back on the other when we got together. He was doing pretty good.

I know I am probably one of the very few who look at it this way and feel this way about them. But I have seen a lot from dealing with both first hand and not just from dealing with these two but many others in my family, friends and work. 98 % aren’t bad people they are just sick people who are fighting to over come something they unknowingly let over come them.

1. If you haven’t read the brand new blog by my friend you need to go check her out and welcome her to the blogging world. findingmeafterdivorce We worked next to each other about 9 years ago. I was so sad to when she moved a way and still miss her.

2. This is a blog I found not long after joining WordPress myself and was so relieved when I did. I sat down and have read every post from the beginning and continue to follow and read. Reading through a lot of her post I feel that I could have written them. Passive Aggressive Abuse

3. I have just started following this blog not that long ago but really enjoy it. having a son with disability myself I admire her strength in taking care of 5 kids. Raising 5 Kids With Disabilities and Remaining Sane Blog

4. Another one I have just started following but like her views on life and the happenings in it. Roadkill Goldfish

5. LadyRomp is always there with an inspiring quote and bringing light to things going on around the world. To try and improve things for women of all ages.

{August 19, 2014}   First Days Of School

Yesterday was the first day of school here for all the kids but kindergarten and pre k. My kids should have went back today but we instead went to lunch and shopping. We are going to start school September 2, . It was nice not having to wake up early and fight with the kids to get dressed and rush around to catch the bus and run to god knows where to get the other one to school on time. The after school waiting in lines that go for blocks in the heat with the kids crying they want to go home and they want out of their seats to run around and play.

The kids didn’t seem to even notice that school had went back. It never really came up. When we were eating the waitress asked something about their first day. They just kind of looked funny and looked at me like they didn’t know what to say. Like they were going to be in trouble for not being in school. I just said we are home schooling this year our first day is in September. Later the cashier at the store said something to my daughter and she said we are home schooling we start next month. The cashier was young she looked a little surprised and like she wasn’t sure what to say. She then said something about lucky for her and to enjoy the rest of her summer.

I can’t wait to start school but I can at the same time. I just wish I could move before we start or he would move one before we start. It would be a lot better. I wouldn’t feel so stressed and we all wouldn’t feel like we are walking on eggshells all the time. I gave them their first assignment to do the blog thing because they pestered me and wanted to start school. It would let them get them up and going before they had to start adding to them all the time. He said it was to advanced for them. I have sat here and printed a months worth of work off for September. He sits here and says it looks like a lot of work to be done in that time and how it looks like it is going to be hard for them. He had no clue what it is or what they are going to be doing. Nor dose he have any idea what grade level the work is on. All that I have printed off is for their grade level. It looks like a lot because there is a lot of it that is reading and pictures and pages to go over what to do and how to teach the lesson. A lot of it covers the same things just different lessons to go along with it. A lot of it is stuff to talk about and do together in class not really written work. Some of it is projects, drawing and crafting stuff. Not a lot of writing at all. But he don’t know because he hasn’t looked at the first page of it. I sat here the other night and tried to show him and he didn’t pay attrition at all. Then he starts telling me on the phone how they could do a lesson on what he dose for work and what all he has to know and do and things. They always ask about what he dose and things if a lesson was put together on it then they would know what he dose and why/how. He acted like he didn’t like it when I didn’t seem interested in putting it together or messing with it. Sure its a ok idea but I have enough to take care of and teach. I know nothing about it and according to him what I put together for them to do is to hard.

Here is my Sunday post a bit late. I am just going to catch up and go from today.

3:30 am go to bed after a long day of running around and trying to get things taken care of.

7:00 am woke up by the baby who refuses to go back to sleep in her bed. She stands and screams at me across the room until I let her into my bed. I am not feeling good and my back is killing me. I have a spot that catches and makes me feel sick and causes me to have a lot of pain.

7:30 am she is finally asleep and I go to my other daughters bed to lay down for a little bit to try and get my back to stop hurting. She stayed with her great grandma so she wasn’t home. I wanted to get up at 8 and get everyone ready and out the door by 9.

10 am wake up to the phone ringing, it’s my daughter I over slept by two hours. Get everyone up and ready and out the door by 10:30.

10:30 to 11:30 is spent in the truck going to pay the water bill and father of the year paying car insruce as we head to his job.

11:30 am we get to his job to pick up the truck he is supposed to drop off on the way. He comes out and says that they were wrong it wasn’t going down where we were going but it was going an hour or more a way to another county no where near where we were going. He told them we had things to do and he couldn’t do that. Then they ask him if he can be back and have it over there before 5. Um no not at the time it is now and what we have to do.

12:30 we picked up my oldest and went to have lunch at their Favorited place to eat. We don’t go to often because it is a ways from us but I had been wanting to take a day and spend down there going to some of the shops and things so I decided that is what we would do for the first day back to school. It would be less crowed and easier to shop unlike over the summer.

1:30 pm to about 4:30 pm we spend shopping and looking for school stuff. We found three bags of nice books we could use for school. Was happy to find that I got $12 worth of books for $5 they were having some kind of sale.

5:00 pm we got back to my grandma’s and she needed to go shopping. I thought we were going to one store and we ended up having to go across town to the other and doing a full shopping trip.

8:15 I back track and get to one of the stores we forgot to stop at on the way back on our trip. I got there just before they closed and only to find out that they didn’t have what I was looking for. They only carry some right at back to school time and it isn’t in the theme I am looking for.

9:02 pm I get to the other store to get my white board I need just in time to find out they closed at 9 not 10. at that point I said just forget it and go home. I was tired and wore out and very aggravated  that I had not gotten the things I needed to do done yet another day.

10:00 pm We just came home made dinner and I spent the rest of the evening watching a movie with my big boy.

1:00 am I sent the boys to bed and say down to do my update on here and relised I had messed up. I was trying to type up a post and couldn’t hold my eyes open so I went to bed.

{August 19, 2014}   One Long Day

Last night was the first night I had went to bed before 4 am. It was 1:30 am even then. When I do I don’t sleep good and am awake off and on all night. Last night I went to bed and was for the first time sleeping good. My son came in about an hour after I went to bed and woke me up and after that I didn’t sleep good and was up and down. I am so tired and just wore out. I just want to go to bed go to sleep and sleep with out having to worry about when the kids are going to get up or having to be somewhere or anything else. I just want to go to bed and know that I can go to sleep and sleep as long as I need to  so I don’t feel this way.

Half the time I have no clue what day it is or if I am coming or going. Now with father of the year changing jobs it worse. I am up later. I use to stay up late but I was still in bed most nights by 1 or 2 nothing to horrible. Then with job change and trying to get ready for the kids schooling it has gotten to be 4-6 before I am going to bed. Then I am up with kids by 8 most days. If I am lucky I get a couple hours sleep with out waking up for something or being woke up. most the time not so even the 2 to 4 hours I may get is broken up and not a good few hours of sleep. I am use to being up late and only getting 4 hours of sleep or so. But I am not use to not being able to sleep or it being so broken up once I get to go to bed. I feel like I just take a bunch of little naps through the week and that I don’t ever really sleep. I am to the point I feel like it is just one long day that never seems to end. Everything is starting to fall apart and that is stressing me out even more. I have no motivation to do anything about it. I’m just so tired I drag to get the things that have to be done around here done.

I need furniture and things moved around and different stuff done. Father of the year isn’t home in between calls any more through out the day and is out until late most nights so he has dropped the ball on the things he is supposed to be taking care of and left it for me to pick up and do like always. A lot of it is stuff that has to be done to be able to take care of other things around the house that has to be done so if I don’t do it then important things can’t be done.  I tell him and tell him I need stuff moved that I can’t left and move or the stuff he is supposed to do needs to be done so that we can do the things we need to do. I hear I’m tired now that he has moved job’s I hear how tired he is and how he don’t have time he is never here and when he is it’s so late. He don’t get weekends off any more. He works 6 days on 24/7 and gets 2 days off. He isn’t just in town here going to the little cities or what he is going all over the state and counties a way. When he gets back he is sent out of county again or farther a way than what he normely went so any free time he would have is spent driving to get to where he needs to be and then back. Where before he ran a few miles done the job and was free to come home or do whatever til the next job comes up. Now he is driving to drop on or driving to come back from a drop and there are calls waiting for him when he gets back.

Don’t get me wrong I love that he is gone most the time now for days at a time other than a hour here or there. But it aggravates me that he isn’t doing his part and keeping up with it. That it is all being dumped on me to take care of. When I was gone 50/60 hours a week I was still coming home cleaning and doing stuff around the house and staying up all night with a kid who didn’t sleep. All while he didn’t work and could sleep after the kids got to school or could be cleaning up during the day. I just want to move. I just want to find a place and get a way from him. Even if we do take care of it all he comes in and trashes shit and leaves it all he dose when he is here is bitch about why this is this way and that is that way and the kids not doing anything. When he has no clue the kids have really started stepping up and helping and doing more stuff around. But because when he comes in what he feels should be done or what he wants done I should say isn’t he gets all pissed off but he isn’t here doing anything. On his two days off the last two days he did nothing but make dinner and has left the kitchen trashed for someone else to take care of. No help doing anything else around the house. Make excuses why we don’t need to move it and why he don’t want it that way. I don’t see where he should have any say he isn’t here doing anything. Just like bitching and having a fit that this or that isn’t done how he things it should be or not at all. Where dose he have room to come in here and talk and bitch when he isn’t doing anything? We are doing it we should have things the way we want them and the way it works best for all of us if we are the one keeping up with everything and doing it. There are 5 of us who are here 24/7 now and have to do school here and everything. He isn’t her he shouldn’t worry about how anything is but his room and his stuff in it. The rest of the stuff is mine and the kids anyway not like it is his.

We are trying to see what the checks are going to be like since he gets paid every two weeks. He just got paid Friday but either all or part of that check for for when he was in the other job. By the next check we should know pretty much what he is going to make every two weeks and I now he has days off during the week so he can’t make excuses that he can’t get time off. We are going to finish this divorce. I seen a sign yesterday that said divorce for $99 I told him he needed to just go get a new pack of papers and pay them to fill it out and turn it in make sure it is all done right then we should be able to get a court date with no problems. He said ok so we will see. He said it would probably be more I told him not if he wasn’t going to fight it. He says that is what we will do. I hope he dose we should have no problem with the money and doing it then either. This new position we are one step closer to moving and being out of this mess once and for all thank god.

Some how I got behind on my blog Challenge. I think what happen was I sat down and posted one then started the next days because it was so late. When I was done it was the next day so I went ahead and posted it too. Then with not sleeping and everything running together I got confused what day it was and what day I really posted and thought I was covered for all but yesterdays. I sat down late last night to do it and noticed I needed two not one. I started trying to put it together and was passing out so I went to bed and figured it was already so late I would just figure it out today and get back on track. After I feed the kids and get some things picked up I will be back to figure out where I messed and how I am going to fix it.

Today my challenge is to talk about my how I feel about my body. I use to be very tiny like 120 lbs is the most I ever weighed before I had kids. After I had my first two I got back down to 130 lbs and stalled. I couldn’t lose it I didn’t worry about it to much it wasn’t that big of a deal. The year before I got pregnant with my 3 rd I started a exercise  class and was trying to eat better. I figured that extra 30 I had been carrying around would come off with no problem. Boy was I wrong, I gained another 35 lbs in one month. After a couple of months I stopped the class and was just really unhappy. It wasn’t so much I was upset about not losing the 30 but more upset that I again 35 more. I went on to gain another 30 over the course of the next 4 months. I was the biggest I had ever been pregnant or not pregnant. Everyone asked me for a year if I was I felt horrible. The next year I did get pregnant and hardly anyone noticed or asked because I had just been getting fat. I blew up to 198 lbs when I was pregnant. After I had the baby I was never able to get down past 165. I hate it. I went on and got pregnant with my 4 th and lost down to 135 before I shot back up to 175. I am now 16 months later still only down to 165 lbs.

I don’t like that I am 165 lbs by far. But I am ok with it. Really the only thing that really bothers me is my stomach. I hate my stomach. I still have that baby pooch that kind of sags. That is my biggest thing I stuggle with when it comes to my body. Other than that I am ok with it. I have always said if I could take the fat/flab from my stomach and inject it into my boobs I would be ok. I am ok with my boobs it would just make it easier to find clothes that fit better if they were a little bit bigger. I don’t want them huge but just a tad bigger so that things don’t look so big on me in the chest. But if I could only change one thing it would be my stomach and I would be happy with the rest of it. I am sure once me and the kids get a place we will be happy more relaxed and I will probably lose the extra I would like to lose. Until then I am just going to continue to be happy with the body I have and make the best of it.

et cetera

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 239 other followers

%d bloggers like this: