Love this song.
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Love this song.
Read the rest of this entry »
My baby girl has arrived. I had her Thursday the 4 th. She is so perfect and tinny and I just love her to death. She was 6 lbs 18 inches born at 8:31 pm.
I got up that morning and got everyone ready for school. Took big boy to the bus big girl to school and went to pick my friends daughter up to drop her at daycare when I took my little guy. After I took them I went back to my friends and went with her to the school about her daughter. I noticed I was having some pains here and there. They were more painfull than normal but not bad. I really figured they would go a way. We got done went to her husbands work and went to buy a bed. After we dropped stuff back at his job we went and had lunch. I kept telling her I was hurting. I noticed they seem to be really close together. We went back to her house and I told her I wasn ‘t coming in I was going to go home take a nap or to the meat market.
I ended up heading about 25 or so miles a way to the meat market. I decided to time my contractions on the way. They were 5 mins apart and lasting about 30 seconds each. I went there came home picked my oldest up from school. I walked in and started to sign her out one of the ladies asked me if i was in labor. I said yes i thought i was she said i look like i was or would be soon. After me and big girl took the meet home put it in the fridge we went to the grogery store to get some stuff and pick up my little guy from daycare. We meet up with father of the year who picked up big boy from the bus and we went and got the boys hair cuts. I let him take all the kids home and went to the dollar store down the street from our house. They didnt have all i was looking for but the contractions were getting more painfull. Still about 5 mins apart maybe lasting longer.
I called my friend. She said she was busy she call me right back. I went home done a few things and went to get in the shower and the contractions were getting worse. I decided i should go to the hospital and skip the shower. I called her again it had been about an hour she hadnt called me back. She was at trivea and forgot to call me. I told her i needed to go to the hospital she said when. I told her now or soon as posible lol. So i went and picked her up from triviea.
She went to get in and i had another contraction i told her she better drive so we traded spots and started the trip to the hospital. Its another 17 miles from where we were she was all worried everytime i would have a contraction. I said at one point goingnover one of the bridges no worries i dont feel the erge to push we are good. All she heard was pish i thought she was going to wreck my truck. All day and up until we pulled into the hospital they were 5 mims apart. We pulled into the parking lot just off the street i had one by the time we got maybe a half block to a parking place i had one then one walking intp the place. Not anymore painful but lasting a bit and and longer. We got in the door they grabbed a wheelchair and was calling upstairs telling them i was on my way.
I got up there told them everything they acted like we wouldnt have a baby for a while and took their time doing stuff. It was 7 they checked said i was 3/4 cm. They done a few other things and decided to move me to a labor n delivery room. I got in there got into the bed and they wanted to put and iv in. I told them i was ok with a block but no iv i wanted to get up move and things. She left came back said doctor was fine with that. She started putting it in my hand and my friend started squerming she hates needles. I dont like them and was having contractions pretty close. I yelled at her to stop lol. They got the iv in i asked for a birthball. I knew at that point i couldnt get up and walk to much but wanted itnto releave spme of the presure and pain. She brought it.in and said she wanted to check me before i got up. She said i was 5 cm at that point. I was mad because they were closer and more painfull. But i hadnt dialated more.
She leaned down to do something i had contraction i said there it went my water broke. She checked me again and checked to see if it had she said i was 7 and there was stuff in the water. The baby had went to the bathroom. I had another contraction and felt like pushing. I looked at her and said i want to push.
My friend looked like no way not yet the nurse looked a little worried said let me check odder things have happen. She checked i was over 9 almost a full 10 there was a little lip stuck in the way they said. They said i was 5at 8pm it was now 4 mimutes after. It had only been 4 minutes since she said i was 5. She had nothing ready no carts hadnt called the doctor respatoriy or anything to come in there. She was hitting buttons calling the nurse station telling them to get everyone in there now and get the doctor on the phone and tell her to get there. They were telling me just breath dont push. I said nope im pushing i cant and kept pushing. Then i was asking them where the doctor was and everything. She got there and she was telling me do this and that and then the nurse started pushing tje monitor on my stomach for the baby heartrate. I was fine with the pain of the contractions but she started doing that it hurt and destracted me. I stopped pushing sat up and told them they were hurting me. Doc said im not touching you. I said she is they kept saying we habe to hear the heart and stuff. I said i camt do this if she going to hirt me. After a min or so and fighting with them threw a contraction the dpctor said if this is what it takes to have a baby leave her alone its fine. I rember for a minute just stopping looking at my friend and the doctor and wanting to say im not doing this this isnt what i want i cant do this i dont want another baby. I dont know why at the sametime i was thinking what why would you say that yes you do. I thpught just do it and a few more pushes and she was out. Doctor asked who was cutting the cord i told my friend to do it. She said something to the doctor i guess where or something. I thought she was saying something else i saod just do it. She did and they took her across the room to check her lungs and things. She was born at 8:31pm 4/4/13 6 lbs 18 inches.
She had to go to the nursery for a few minutes then they brought her right back and she latched and nursed really good. Because of the stuff where she went to the bathroom we had to stay 3 days. They had to clip her tounge because she was tied too like my last one. I remeber at one point after my water broke and waiting for the doctor to get there telling them i just want to get up and take a shower i feel so dirty lol and them all laughing at me. Later my friend said you were mean to that nurse but when the doctor got there there was noone elsebin the room bit you and her. I love my doctor she is so great.
Right after i had her
Ready for the pic they take before you go home at the hospital.
I have been going around with SSI over getting my sons check put on the card they want everyone to have by tomorrow for days now. I have been hung up on 4 times or more and still haven’t gotten to talk to a person. I talked to one guy for about a 1 minute why he kept telling me why I didn’t need to be calling him but somewhere else when he hadn’t even pulled the case up to look at it. When I finally get him to pull it up the call gets dropped. I am sure he had something to do with it and he could have called me back but didn’t. They have called my back before with no problem. I have other stuff I have to be at the library to take care of and can’t walk around talking to them on the phone or waiting on them to call me back. Not happy at all.
Then I sit down at my computer just now and notice that there are now 3 keys missing off the key board. One has been missing forever when I was with RC something happen it came off. I have it. The other day my kids never touched it but when they walked a way one was off and I am sure they have no clue where the one that is missing now is either. I have only used this computer for maybe 2 years if that. it has sat put up so it was like new. now it looks like shit.
I have been having contractions off and on all day but on for longer than I really should be and not that long off. I probably should have went to the ER already but haven’t. I am starting to feel sick with them, if it keeps up I am going to have to go over there and get checked out I think. I don’t think it is anything but haven’t really done anything but sleep lay around and relax all day. Nothing that would make me be having them and feeling like this. I was having them some when I woke up this morning. She is kicking her feet all around too so she seems to be ok. I am supposed to be doing the taxes and things and really don’t feel like it. I don’t even have all the info I need to do it and I have only been asking for it for a week now. I need that money back asap so I know what I can and can’t do this year that I need and want to get done.
Still haven’t heard anymore from RC his phone is still off so I am thinking she made him get a new number. My friend said she seen him go by her house the other day in the work truck. don’t know if he came by mine or not i was sleeping and didn’t get the message til later. The more I think about everything and how it all happen the madder I get. I am debating on sending him a message on facebook or writing something out and leaving it on his truck at work or taking it up to him. I would really rather talk to him in person. We see him out here and there all the time picking up tows and things my friend always wants to turn around and go back but we haven’t. I know if he is getting a tow he don’t really have time to talk. She said tell him to meet us after he is done somewhere but I just don’t know. I don’t know what I would say or where to even start. Really I don’t know that I am ready to know what he would say. I can’t even explain how I feel about it all right now. I feel very low and very lonely sad mad angry I just don’t really know right now. I just want to sit down and talk and I want him to tell me the truth about how he really feels and what he really wants. I think he won’t do that I think he is embarraced of everything that happen everything that is happening and the mess he has gotten into and he feels bad over his daughter and the other kids that are involved. Like I said before. Because of that I think he would just try to pass it all off as everything is fine and he is happy. He won’t come out and say he is happy when we were talking he would tell me and my friend when he was talking to her how things were and what was going on and you could just tell by talking to him or reading what he put that things were bad and it was really taking a toll on him. I seen pictures of him a month or so before my friend had found online and I said then he looked horrible and that things weren’t going good. But like I said I don’t think he is going to be 100% upfront and honest about things no matter what because a few times we were talking and I said something about things he would say life is good or my life is good i’m happy. but the way he said it and the things we were talking about when he did said different. Even my friends husband said he tried to say the samething to him after telling him all kinds of stuff and that he could tell he was just trying to cover what was going on or make it seem not that bad or like he said something let something out he didn’t mean to.
Well I am going to go for now. I have a ton of other stuff to do and only 2 more hours to fight with SSI before they close. Hope that I get someone that knows what is going on and can fix it and they put his money on the card in the morning or I am in trouble. It is going to cost me $100 and get me in trouble if it isn’t there tomorrow. Thank god I get it it helps more than ever but it is so hard and frustrating when you have to deal with them.
It has been a very hard and trying month for me. The last day or two of last month RC called my friend that lives right around the corner from me that he knows. The one who came to help me get my stuff the night everything happen and I called the cops and moved out of his place and things. The one who’s husband help him get the job he has now. She was getting ready to start a birthday party for her little boys 2nd bday. I was on the phone when he called she hung up to see what he wanted. When I got over there she was telling me he wanted to know about some places to get help with something for the kids. She told him of one places she knew about and that was all she knew of. I told her about another place I knew of that was a lot better but she was busy. We went on and had the party and finished.
Later that night after I got home I thought of it and I knew she had probably forgot to tell him about it. I don’t want to see anyone’s kids do with out so I text him. I just said there is this place and this is where they are and this is the days you need to go there to talk to someone. I wasn’t sure of what kind of response I would get back if any. I wasn’t really worried about it. Figured if he wanted to get nasty then that was on him I was just trying to help the kids. I still care about the boys and things I raised them for like 8 or 9 months all day every day just like mine.
I didn’t hear anything back then in about 20 minutes I got a phone call and it was him. I answered it and he asked who it was. I knew he was but asked anyway. Figured he wanted to play games lets play. He told me I said it’s me and said my name. He sounded a little surprised. I think he didn’t have my number in his phone anymore. She probably made him get rid of it so he really didn’t know who it was at first by his response. He was surprised and acted as if he couldn’t really say anything. He just said thanks a lot that was really nice of you or something like that. I said no problem and hung up. About and hour later my phone said I had a missed call then another right in a row. I don’t have good service on my phone it never rang just popped up missed call and messages waiting. I was looking to see who it was and there was another missed call 3 in less than 5 minutes. But I wasn’t showing any incoming or out going calls since we had talked an hour or more before. I called my voice mail and there were 3. The first two you could tell someone was there but not saying anything then the 3rd one I could tell came from the same person but this time in a minute they said something. It was him. He said something about he just wanted to thank me again I didn’t have to do that and I had a big heart and all this. I didn’t know where he was but could tell he was driving and I probably alone. I just text him back and told him I wasn’t ignoring him that my phone never rang and it just popped up that I had messages. I said I just knew of that place I was with her when he called and heard them talking that I told her to tell him but knew she was busy and probably forgot. That we all have kids and that regardless of how things were or what happen I wasn’t going to see someones kids not get what they needed or do with out if I knew of somewhere to help. Again in a minute my phone was ringing and it was him.
We talked for a little bit and he told me he only had one of the boys and that they for some reason ended up back with their mom and then a DNA test came in the picture and that the older one wasn’t his. We already knew that but he had been there from the time she found out she was pregnant and raised him for the last 5 years. At first he really thought it was until things had gotten said by friends of hers and they started figuring things out and he really don’t look anything like him an is nothing like him. That don’t mean anything but still. He said he didn’t want to know he was his no matter what and things at the time. I just said yeah your right and left it at that. It didn’t matter to me either way. To me like he said he had been his kid from the time he was born and he had raised him he had been doing it alone then for almost a year. He was his he was ours.
He told me he was working the shop and towing now and that was where he was at then. He had gotten a call to tow a car. I don’t know if he really did I don’t think he really did because from the time he called me and the time he told me he was about home and had to go wasn’t long enough to go get a car hook it up and drop it off then be home. I think he told her that to get out of the house so he could call. After that he was calling and texting me everyday up until about the last 2 weeks. I already knew things weren’t going real good between them and stuff from things my friends husband had heard and been told. I never said anything. He made a few comments to me here and there about stuff and I just said you have and old lady or your with someone. He say yeah I know. Then later we would be talking and joking around about something or just talking and he would all of a sudden say I can’t talk to you I got to go. Or I can’t talk to you it don’t seem right and I’m with someone. I say ok I understand whatever and go on and it would be no time he was back texting me again that day. He said I can’t talk to you don’t want something to happen or something might happen. We are texting talking on the phone nothing can really happen and even if we were face to face nothing can happen that you don’t want to happen right?
After the first week he stopped really saying anything like that and would text me about every day when he got to work and things. At one point he started telling me a little about what was going on at home and things between him and her and how they don’t want him around and they just want him to work all the time and want the money. I can believe it because when they were together up north he worked out of town for a week or two at a time and brought home couple grand a week. That is one thing he about him he will work he will work 24/7 if that is what it takes to make the money. When we were together we had money he didn’t have to work like that and I didn’t want him to. I told him I wanted him there not gone working all the time just to have money. I had money coming in and he did as long as we could pay bills and that if something happen I would rather get a job than have him working 24/7 killing his self to do it all. She told him she was going to get a job when she got down here and all this and hasn’t done anything. She is talking to some guy from up there and things and that is causing problems. He was fit to be tied he was like I get called by his name all the time and she says it isn’t anything but all she does is sit online and talk to him all day and things. Says she can’t text or call him when he is at work because she has kids to take care of. She has 4 kids one in high school one that is 8 in school and two 4 year old that it. I said wow I had 5 kids at home with me all day and we still talked all threw the day when you were at work. He said yeah I don’t know. They rather me not be there and that I just bring the money home that’s what they like.
I just listen I never said anything about it or her. I just said it sounded like they needed to sit down and talk and figure things out and that everyone goes threw patches and things happen things like that. And that if they weren’t going to be happy together then maybe they should go their own ways or whatever that you can’t stay in something like that and not be happy forever. He said he guess he was getting what he had coming to him or what he deserved and things.
Few times we were talking and he said different things to me about what happen and things. Told me how he was sorry and it wasn’t my fault and what he did was wrong and things. He said he really didn’t want to hurt me and he had wanted to talk to me and that he wanted me to know that I wasn’t just a fling and things like that when we first started talking before he told me anything that was going on. What good time we had and how we use to have fun together and things. He said I don’t know what happen I found my daughter and then her mom started talking to me and got in my head and everything I was feeling and going threw with finding my daughter and things. She got in my head and I don’t know what I did. I couldn’t give you my heart. But that’s the past now and I’m sorry.
I had to get a new phone and I was texting my cousin and we were talking about things and meeting people and finding someone and then things being messed up or not what you thought. I said to him yeah look at me I got with this one really thought it was going somewhere and he wanted to get married and all this. I said I told him no I wasn’t getting married again but I wanted to be with him. I said you know I had started to think that if we were still together this March I might do it. But I hadn’t said anything to him I wanted to see how things went and make sure it was something i wanted to do again. But that I would have if we had still been together this year. Some how my phone sent it to RC my cousin and my friend. Everyone that was a contact in my phone at the time. The only ones I had added. I didn’t know at the time it went to everyone. The next morning he text me and said isn’t life funny and Fucked up all at the same time. I still hadn’t noticed it went to him. It didn’t show under his name. My other friend hadn’t said anything about getting it. I said what is everything ok. He said yeah just saying or thinking. I said whats going on need to talk. He just said no. Well later that night I was looking for something he had sent me and all of a sudden that text from me popped up under his name. And that was his response to it.
He never said anything about the baby for a while then something was said about it some how. I told him I said you know things got said that night that probably shouldn’t have but you attacked me telling me that you were going to take it and fight me for it and everything else when nothing had been said about it. I said I was upset and wanted you to go a way and leave me alone I didn’t want you to take it or fight me for it so I said what I did about it not being yours. I said but it is and like I said when you asked me something the other day I never cheated on you and you know me I am not that way. If I had I would tell you what is there to hide now and lie about. I said I understand if you want we can have her tested when I have before I ever leave the hospital. That is up to you and it won’t bother me none. He just said no it is yours I don’t want it I am not going to fight you for it and I am not going to take it. I don’t want to know nothing about it. I said well you need to be in it’s life and it needs to know her dad and her brother and sister. I told him it had been bothering me that they weren’t around and things. He didn’t say anything.
Later they told me at the doctor that the baby was very tiny and the bones weren’t growing. That she was only in the 9th% tile and they like them to be in the 90th or better. They were making me go for NST’s twice a week and then I found out that I could lose her at any point and that at any time if I came in and her states dropped and they didn’t like what the test were showing that I would have to go right into the hospital and deliver no matter how far along I was. At this point I was only about 27 weeks or so. I text him and asked if we could get together and talk. I had already told him I wanted to get together and talk before he just decided to not have anything to do with the baby. I told him if he wanted to bring her that was fine I would like to talk to her to if she would. Because his daughter has Downs and heart problems and different things wrong. I wanted to get medical history on her and see why they felt she had the problems she did and things. To give the doctors some idea maybe of why the baby was small or something to look for. I wanted to know if they had told her there were any problems before she had her and things or if they had thought everything was going to be ok. He said it would be better of we didn’t get together and talk and that if I didn’t talk to her. He asked why I wanted to talk. At first he was scared I guess that I was going to tell her we had been talking or something. I told him no I wouldn’t do that. It had nothing to do with him me and him or even her and him. I told him I wanted to talk to him about the baby. He called me and asked me what was wrong and things. I told him and why I wanted to talk to her. He said she was really early and that is why she had the problems she had her mom got in a car accident and went into labor. I told him I was going for test twice a week and things what they had told me about her. After that I would text him after my test and tell him what they said and how things were and he would respond. Then they set me up for another u/s and told me to go every 4 weeks until I had her. I told him I had it on the 14th of this month and if he wanted to go. He said probably not a good idea. We weren’t talking as much at that point. I just said ok I was letting you know and that you could come I am not trying to exclude you. I told you you could be a part of it if you wanted to and that I want you to be a part of her life so I was just letting you know.
When I went they said she is in the 17th% tile she is growing but still tiny. The doctor said she thinks she is just going to be a small baby since I am not that big and he isn’t either. He is 5’5 maybe 5’6 and I am only 5’3. He is 140lbs if he is lucky. I am bigger than that by to much lol but never had been until about 4 years ago when I had some health problems. So she isn’t to worried since she is growing just not as big as most babies this far. I am figuring on a 4 to 5lb baby. If she is much over 5 I will be very shocked.
We haven’t talked in the last week or so. I sent him a pic from the u/s and never heard anything back and a few text and haven’t heard anything back. I found out his phone is off and has been I guess since right about that time so he may not have gotten it. I know he didn’t get the ones after. I think it was off when I sent that one too or he would have said something. From what I hear threw the grape vine things are ok right now. She got her tax check and his so she has money and he finally got her to go get her meds and take them. Come to find out she is on meds for something and she flips out plus he told me she drinks all the time pretty much all day. What money she gets goes to her drinking and smoking and gas he pays everything.
You know I never texted him expecting that we would talk the way we did or expecting anything more than to just tell him that and go on not talking like we had been. One of the first things he said to me that night he called was I didn’t say anything to you at the shop that day when you were there with your friend because you told me to leave you alone and act as if you were dead. I said nope you told me to forget your number and not to speak to you so I told you that was fine but I wasn’t going to be calling you when I had the baby. I said it’s not a big deal I was just meeting her that was my cousin because my grandpa had just died and we were on our way out of town to be with her mom and my dad.
I didn’t realize the feelings I still really have for him. It had really bothered me since that we aren’t together the way things are there and that his youngest that we had is over there in the middle of it all. I know how he is and I know this is really hard on him. She has taken him out of school and everything else. I have to say I really was in love with him and that I still am and I still love the boys. I never thought I would feel the way I have about all this. I want to talk to him and tell him. At the same time I don’t want to come between him and her. I know things aren’t really good there and that neither of them are happy and he thinks she is going to leave before it is all over with the next few months.
I was talking to my friend about it I told her I would give it another try. Things just weren’t right at the time and we both said and done somethings. He really done somethings by going up there and getting with her and things but we all screw up. I think he was trying to figure out if there was still a chance there and things to by some of the things he said. I never told him there was or there wasn’t. If he would say something I would just say you have your girl at home and I’m not that way or you know I wouldn’t do that your with her. One point he said something about something I said. I said wait a minute I didn’t mean anything by it I was just saying as a friend and that is it. I said I am not trying to come between you and her you all need to sit down talk to each other not at each other and really listen to each other and work on what is wrong. Not you work all the time so your not there and her drink all the time. But he knows me and he knows that when I leave I’m done and don’t go back. There has only ever been one person I would have ever taken back other than him and they have passed a way.
I told her also I know a lot of people were not happy about the way things went and me and him splitting up and him bringing her down here like that. He tried to play it we were having problems and I had done things and thats why we weren’t together before he ever told anyone they were coming down and what he was doing. I guess to make it look good on his part and that he didn’t do what he really was doing. Because like everyone said we really didn’t have any problem but the place being to small for all the kids and we were going the next weekend after he got home to get a house. I think he is embarrassed about what he done and I think he also feels guilty about his daughter now that he has found her and hadn’t been there all these years. But I also think things aren’t as good with her as he thought they were going to be. I think the mom pushed the kid to say things and stuff like that to get him up there and get all this the way she wanted it. I think now he feels like a big ass because things weren’t what he thought and he don’t know what to do to get out of it and he feels bad about her.
I know how it is to be the one looked at as walking out and not trying or breaking the family apart and then having everything with the other fall apart. Even though I wasn’t the one that caused the problems with me and ex and I waited over two years for him to fix things most everyone looks down on me and stopped talking to me because they feel I was. Then they all think it is so funny that I ended up the way I am and back at my house and that me and ex had to get a place together so that the kids would have a place. Even though I know the truth it is embarrassing and I feel like crap over it. As soon as I get everything straight with child support with ex I can get a way from him. but until it shows threw the court no where will count it as income or I wouldn’t have had to go back to my house and then ended up homeless for months and in the spot I am in.
I just don’t know what to do. Something keeps telling me to go talk to him and tell him how I feel and things. I had written something I was going to send him then found out his phone was off. But then there is that little part that says yeah but he really don’t care and he is just going to get a good laugh at your expense and go on. But I really don’t believe that and I really don’t believe that he don’t want anything to do with the baby. I think he has gotten with her seen how she really is and don’t feel the baby should be around and her. I also think that she has told him to either fight me take the baby and get me out of the picture or to have nothing to do with it because of the way things went and what they done and how things are she don’t want me around. I think with everything that just happen with the oldest and having him taken back by the mother and things and it really not being his and him pretty much knowing it from the start after what was said the one night he is scared to get to close to involved not knowing for sure it is his. I think he knows and he had said before he knew for sure there wasn’t a doubt at all to him that it wasn’t his someone said something when we first found out joking around. But I think after I said what I said that night to get him to leave me alone he now had that hint of what if and look what I just went threw with the other one after 5 years. That may be why even if getting back together and he thought there was a chance he didn’t say or do more. Because he don’t know and don’t want to get into something like that again and if it isn’t his then that would mean i had been lieing to him and things and he don’t want to get into that either. I don’t blame him at all for feeling that way.
I just wish we could really get together talk and just be open and honest with each other about how we feel what we really want and set something up so that him and Cory are apart of the babies life no matter what. He said something about me stopping at the shop and being to good to come there or something. I have stopped in a few times but he don’t say much. Few times I don’t know if he was there or just busy. But we really can’t talk there. I don’t know I feel I should just leave it alone but I just can’t help the way I feel and the nagging to tell him. I think he is with her regardless of how things are between them they are together. Then I feel bad because at the same time I think who cares she didn’t care when she was going behind my back and doing this. Then I think what are you saying your not that way and I have never thought about doing that to anyone and will be the first to tell someone if I know they are being done that way but I really don’t care.
I keep telling myself maybe you left to soon and into much of a rush. He said that morning at like 3 it was done whatever. I took my kids kept them home from school packed their stuff why he was at work took them dropped them off and went back to stay until I could pack my stuff and get it out. Then everything happen I threw it together that night had him move it and went back the next day got the rest and left. I think maybe I screwed up there. Maybe I should have stayed and tried to talk to him and see what was going on and figure things out work them out. But I was so upset and then he attacked me and brought them all down there in the middle of everything. I think maybe he really thought I didn’t care and wasn’t happy. He made that comment to me too you didn’t seem like you were happy and you didn’t act like you wanted to be there. I was just so hurt so shocked and upset that I didn’t know what to think or do what to say. I wanted to get the kids out of there because I didn’t know what to expect next and he had said his kids weren’t coming home until I had gotten my stuff and gotten out. I did think maybe we would talk but everything blew up before that had a chance to happen because I was so upset and hurt. Now I sit here and wonder if I screwed up if I should have said more then instead of just getting up and leaving. I just don’t know. I just feel I need to talk to him and that maybe I missed my chance to fight for what I really want. I even thought for a minute that even if I left things would cool down in a day or two and we would talk and see where things stood. Then I found out that he already had the plans to bring them down and was back up there in 3 or 4 days to get them. There was no time for things to cool down or to talk once I left. I just wish there was an easy answer and I knew what to do. Wow this is supper long thanks if you got this far. and read all my ramblings. I just don’t know and I am sure my friend is tired of hearing about it. I have been so down and depressed with everything going on with him and talking to him and with the stuff going on with the baby.
Yes I am still alive just been very busy the last month and haven’t gotten internet at the house. Trying to replace everything I threw away that was most anything that didn’t fit in a box and someone didn’t scream about it being thrown away. Ex isn’t being much help and isn’t paying the things he should be nothing has been how it was supposed to be since we moved in. A lot of fighting that’s about it. So I am not getting internet and cable right now because I can’t pay it and the rest of the bills he decides he isn’t going to pay that month. It has only been a month since I posted last I thought it had been a lot longer than that so I am happy about that. I found there is a library about 3 or 4 blocks a way from where we moved so that is where I am now. I am going to start coming down here once or twice a week so I can do the things I need to do and keep up with stuff better.
The house is ok it is better than staying with people and being homeless. It is small and it is not set up for what we need. If it was just me and the kids it wouldn’t be to bad if I can get something fixed for the dogs. Right now my big girl has her own room and he is sharing a room with the boys. I have the crib in my room with me. It is funny because I said something the other day about him sharing a room with the boys and my big boy heard me. He said no mom get it right it is mine and brothers room we just let daddy sleep in there. they are pretty much right. He goes back and forth about moving out. I wish he just would. First he was going to move so me and the kids would have room because he didn’t need that much room wanted to find something closer to work and a little cheaper. Since we been fighting he says he isn’t moving so who knows.
He will sit there and talk to me like dirt and call me everything you can think of. Then turn around and want to know if I have money for him to go get something to eat. Or call text me and say all kinds of stuff and then when he gets off work and comes home he acts as if nothing happen nothing was ever said and does whatever needs done.
My friend who lives around the corner from me is scared he is going to do something to me. She keeps saying I need to get a will done and something wrote up saying that if anything happens she can keep the kids until whoever is supposed to get them gets there to get them. He find one minute and then flips the next. It is pretty bad both of my older two kids have told me since we moved in the place they wish we were with RC. My girl told me the other day he was having a fit and complaining about something. She said mom I wish we could have started the new year off with RC I want you to be happy and we were happy there. My boy said another time a week or so before that can’t we just go back to the apartment with RC we all can live together.
I only have 2 1/2 weeks left until I have the baby. She said last Tuesday that if I went into labor she wouldn’t stop me. They are saying now that the baby will probably only be about 4 to 5 lbs. But she thinks it is going to be healthy just little. So I am collecting preemie stuff for her. My first was 6 lbs 4 oz and she wore them for a month or two. If she is that small she will be wearing them for a while. I am back to going to the doctor for test twice a week one day I do my test and see the doctor then the next time i just have to do my test.
I had planed to go out this week and really get stuff done and get things ready for her. I need to get the crib set take the clothes and get them set and get my room and her stuff set up. Then Tuesday evening they called and said my dad was being taken by ambulance to the hospital. I had to rush home drop the kids and father of the year off and go up to where he was. I got there and was in shock at what I seen. They said he had a seizure they found him out and didn’t know how long he had been out before they found him. They said once years ago they thought he had one but done a ton of test and couldn’t find any reason why or anything. But when I got there he was alert and knew what was going on and things. When I got there Tuesday he was out they had him tubed for his breathing and a tube in his stomach so that if he got sick or anything it wouldn’t go in his lungs. They had a kathiter in him and had him tied down. They did some test and things that night and couldn’t find anything and he wasn’t responding. They took him to ICU finally about 1 am. Once he was settled in and they had all the results of his test back I went home. They said no one could come into the ICU between 6 am and 10 am so I went up about 1030 and sat with him until about 7 or 8 that night. They did a bunch more test and things with him that day but still couldn’t find any reason for him to have had one or any reason for him to have went out either. He would move around and things when they would make noise in the room or they would mess with him. But he didn’t open his eyes or anything. I went back up about the same time Thursday and he was moving around a lot and things but still not opening his eyes or seemed like he knew what was going on. The man came in to take his tempatre and was telling him what he was doing and asking him to put it under his tongue and things. He started moving around again and getting upset because they were messing with him. I looked up and he opened his eyes. I went over and tried to talk to him but he didn’t know who I was or what was going on still. He started telling me he needed water he was so thirsty then he was telling me he had to get this thing off his finger it was hurting. there was a little thing taped to it but nothing that would be hurting him. They had him tied down because he was trying to get up when he wasn’t with it. He wanted up and everything else. Thank goodness they had taken him off the life support and took the tubes and things out. He then started telling be he had to pee they had a kath in still we told him he couldnt get up. He was mad about that. He told me give him a knife to cut himself free. He didnt know who I was he thought he was at his dads house and someone had him tied down. He thought it was still tuesday. They gabe him a shot to calm him down. I had to leave early to do somethings with the kids and told him i would come back later and check on him. It got late before i got back to see him. The kids were in waiting room he wanted to see them but they were to young to go back in the ICU area. He seemed to know what was going on and things. The nurse asked if i was his daughter. He said yeah but she only comes to see me if she thinks im going to die and was nasty. Then he got nasty about something else. I said well i got to go i will be back tomorrow. Ex went back to see him he said something nasty to him and about him he left. I went back friday they had already let him go home. My brother or none of them bothered to tell me. Saturday i get a message from my dad. He says i just called to tell you i just gpt.out of the hospital after being there for three or four days. He didnt remeber me being there or nothing and my brother didnt bother to tell him either. Me and my brother dont talk or get along but they still should have said something told him how much i had been there and things. Just glad he is homenok and hope it dont happen again.
We finally got a place Wednesday. We moved two of the beds in and I have went out and got some stuff but we don’t have much there right now other than us and one of the dogs. It is just so late by the time he gets off work we get dinner and things. we are making due with what we have and with what I have been buying. I got rid of most everything when we left the house and when I went and stayed with RC. I had a lot of it from when me and ex got married or shortly after so I decided to start over and get new stuff. I have to get stuff for the living room a bunch of stuff for the kitchen. I think I am going to use the table I got when I was with RC because I don’t have a big spot for it. The kids have beds but I want to get new ones. They are going to have to wait a little bit. I have a bed I’m not worried about getting anything I’m fine with it. I am going to put the baby in the room with me he is in with the boys and my big girl got her own room. I have to put the crib up and put the chest in there for her clothes and things. I have a nice size walk in closet with built in shelves and things I am going to put my stuff in there and be done. I got the master bed with the bathroom and things. I may have to change with him and the boys but I really don’t want to. I don’t want them to have it because I don’t want to have to keep my 2 year old from playing in the bathroom all the time. I want to be able to put him in his room to play with out worrying about it. or down for a nap. All the rooms are really about the same size with in a few inches of each other really I think. He is just going to have to down size to a smaller bed. He wants to keep his king and it is to big for the rooms. They need a twin and full but he don’t want to go smaller than a queen. I can’t wait to decorate and get everything for the house. I got a tv last night. I went to the rental place and got one. I figure I will pay it off in a month or so when tax money comes in. Then I will have a nice tv for a while. I was looking for living room stuff but they didn’t really have anything. I am going to go look some places tomorrow when I don’t have to take the kids. Baby boy has been in rare form the last week or so. Throwing fits every where over everything. I will post some pictures that they have on the listing. But I will post more better ones once I get everything together and done.
Why we were renting a trailer at the storage place to get the beds the doctors office called. I figured they were calling because I missed the 3 hour sugar test I was supposed to do that day. She then tells me that the baby is measuring small and that I have to come in and have NST done twice a week until I have it. I got it put off until Tuesday. I told her I had a doctors appointment then could I just do it right before or right after she said before was fine. I then have to make appointments for the rest of them when I leave. they had told me that it was right on track all this time and the two test I had. But they said the u/s I had the other days shows it is small. I wouldn’t be to worried if it was weight they were talking but they say bones and all are small. That don’t seem right if it was right on track before. They said when they did the test it would be hard to to see any of the markers for downs because I was so far along but they weren’t seeing anything. But that didn’t mean that they weren’t there or there was nothing wrong. She did say that most the time with that there is like one bone that is small and the rest are good. so i don’t know I go back Tuesday and talk to the doctor. I just wish it was all over and she was here now with all this going on. I hate it because I have felt from the start that something was wrong before I ever got to go to the doctor. that is one reason I went to the ER when I couldn’t get into the doctor. but I wonder now if what they told me there was right or not. I am so sleepy I am here doing my 3hr test for sugar because I failed the 1hr. Had to take a nap and come back. I didn’t get to bed until 2 and was already out the door and on the road by 5:30 am. Then not eating and drinking that sugar nasty stuff they give you I was feeling so sleepy and sick. I have 45 more minutes to go and one more stick. Then I can eat, it will have been 18 hours by the time I get to eat since I ate last night. I think I will pass this one my sugar was only 87 when I came in after not eating since last night. They said that was really good. I am still pretty sleepy and feeling kind of sick still. Can’t wait to go eat and feel better. wish I had brought something with me to eat but I didn’t. I have to stop and get something.
<——- It’s a baby foot
<————-And a baby face with and arm up in front of it.
Tuesday I made it to my 2nd doctors appointment for the baby. I was supposed to go the Thursday before but had to cancelled because ex didn’t get off to watch the kids like he was supposed to. I had them all home still for Christmas break. They had called and left a message saying they had results from my ultrasound they did right after Thanksgiving at the hospital when I got sick and had to go. They said I didn’t need to go for the one they gave me paper work to get. I never called back to get the results they told me at the ER everything looked great. I had to much going on and just didn’t bother with it.
Well when I got in there Tuesday I was in trouble some other women said she had been trying to get a hold of me. Then she says that they were calling to tell me I needed to be on bed rest all this time and that I needed to get that other test right a way. I told her the one call I got said not to get it so I hadn’t been worried about it. She just looked at me and walked out. She also said that the blood work I was supposed to get I needed new orders for because I now was farther along and needed more test. She just wasn’t very nice at all. I didn’t feel good and had baby boy with me getting into everything. I had been up and driving around since 4am. I was already upset and tired. This visit was with the doctor and she finally came in after what seemed like forever. They said she would be in in just a minute. She came in and started talking to me. She knows the spot we are in right now and that we are staying here and there. I guess she looked over my file and the NP had talked to her. I think the other lady must have talked to her about the test too. She was so nice about everything. She told me that she wanted to know if it was ok if she talked to some of the churches in the area to see if they had anything they could do or help us find a place and things. I told her that was fine. She asked if I had car seat and things. I told her I had the one for my son but nothing for the baby yet. She said she was going to see what she could do about that too. I told her I had money to get a place and to get seats and things. We just couldn’t find a place in our price range that they are either gone or we get turned down for them. She said she was going to work on it and get back with me. I was so tired and upset I was crying before we even got started with the exam. She said she was writing more orders for more test and asked if I would get them done with in the next day or two. I told her I would do my best. I am staying 50 miles a way from her office or more and have the baby to take everywhere with me. But that I would figure out something.
She said that my placenta was way to low and close to the cervix and that they needed to look at it and see if it had moved or how bad it really was. Until I go back I she wanted me on bed rest so that nothing happen. I told her I didn’t know how that was going to work but that I would rest as much as I could. She was worried because I lost weight instead of gaining anything in the last month. I told her I have been sick my tooth has been bothering me and I am just stressed and wore out. I am eating but I hardly ever feel hungry. I had a half a sub two days here and then a little bit at dinner. But I eat a little bit and then I feel full in just a few bites or feel sick. I know it is stress and being here at my moms. All I hear is complain all day and how I should be doing everything and how it should be done and on and on. We don’t get along at all. The baby is into everything here he has no one to play with. He has his toys but he is bored the other kids are too. I had gained a lot when we spent the 3 weeks with my friend but things were much more relaxed and everyone was happier . even though we had 4 adults and 9 kids in the house. Plus me and her would cook and things get stuff done together the kids could play why we did what we had to do we were having to watch them 24/7 and make sure they weren’t getting into stuff. They could go outside and play too. we would make or go get something for lunch and things too.
Here I am so stressed and then this week the kids went back to school. I have to get up at 4 have him to work by 5 then sit for two hours before one gets on the bus and the other goes to school. Then me and the baby have nothing to do or no where to go until they get off and we can head home. We ride around all day or find place to park and sit why he sleeps and things. It is crazy, by the time I get home I am so tired from not getting sleep the night before and things. Then have to make dinner and feed the kids get them ready for the next day. By the time I go to bed it is a few hours before I have to get up and do it again. Then I hear how I do nothing and everyone else is doing everything and how he has to help when he worked all day and all this stuff. I am just over it. Half the time we can’t even come home when he gets off we have to go meet the lady and look at houses. Then come home. I just pray we find something this weekend and get moved so that we don’t have to worry about it all next week. I keep them home today and didn’t take them I am going to get in trouble if I keep them home to much. Big boy really needs to be there so he can get caught up and where he needs to be. the last month has throw everything off for him.
The 9th was my year mark for signing up and posting my first post with word press. My blog is not what I thought it would be or where I thought I would be with it by now. But I am happy with it for what I have been able to put into it this far. I hope to get things settled this next week or so and be able to work more on it. Seems like every time I get a good roll at it something happens and I get side tracked for a while. I want to say thank you to all my followers and readers who have stuck around. I can’t wait to get settled down so that I can get caught up on reading too. I love to read all the other blogs on here as well as write.
I have done a lot of things the last year and now trying to play catch up and clean up after them all. I have to say I have learned some things and seen somethings. I am glad that I had here to document them and keep track of them. It has been a great place to write down memories and document things. It has also been such a great place to get feed back and just know that I can write what I want and say what I want with out being judged or having everyone just looking for something to start about. It’s nice to know that others read and great to hear the input from everyone. That’s one thing I hope to have more over this year feedback and input from others.
This years adventurer are just be gaining and it has been a year already so far. But this year is going to be a good year for me and my babies. They went threw and dealt with so much last year I want this year to be great for them. I know there are going to be some hard times to get threw this year and different things we are going to deal with but I think over all it is going to be good.
When I finally got into see my doctor for the baby the other month they always have new people fill out a healthy start form and turn into them. I had to tell them I didn’t have an address because I don’t I am staying with family and friends. Just wear-ever we can stay for a few days or week. I put the same thing on the paper for them they had me fill out.
Well I hadn’t heard anything back from them until today. They called and I had no clue who it was so I didn’t answer then they left a message and it was them so I called back. She said they got my information from the doctor and they knew a little bit about what was going on that she would like to come out and talk to me on Monday. I set up a time and things to talk to her. I told her that I had been staying with ex and that then what happen with the house. I told her that me and ex were trying to find a place together just to get the kids into a home somewhere and get things settled down for them but that I would really rather get a place on my own for me and the kids. I asked her about housing and things. She said they had information about that she would bring that too.
I am not sure housing is an option depending on where they have open. My friend got help from them and it isn’t good area’s they put you in at all. Her place got shot up on night with her and her kids inside. They came by and shot all the windows out. They think they were after the apartment next to her over drugs and things but it is one of theirs also. I know one or two places they have that aren’t bad but it just depends if they have anything open and if they will let us into those ones.
But I am 50 miles or so from the kids schools and they start back Tuesday. I have to do the finale walk threw on the other house on the 11th and have it cleaned up and the dogs out. I don’t know how long it will take her to help us get into somewhere and I don’t know if she does if we will be able to have the dogs. That is something we will have to worry about and cross when we get there. I have already had a melt down tonight when I talk to the kids about getting rid of the dogs.
Sometimes I think having things so stable and consistent for them all their life has done more harm than good. They are use to living in the same place the last 5 years. Probably the only place any of them can remember living. They were so little when we moved in. It is the only place my baby boy has lived other than over the summer for a few months and now. I feel so bad he keeps telling me mommy I want go home. I want hank or little dog. I had a melt down from the bigger two tonight talking about getting rid of even just the big dog. Most people don’t want her because of breed or weight.
I haven’t told ex that the lady is coming to talk to me yet I figure I just need to wait until I talk to her see what she has to offer how long it will take and what seems to be the best option after that. She said their goal is to get it so that me and the kids can be on our own. But being so far along and so close to my due date it may take a little while longer too because it will take longer to go back to work and things. The only other thing that may help to is the fact that my son gets SSI. That may get us help that we wouldn’t normally get or maybe faster than it normally would. I have never had to do all this before or deal with places like this before. But at this point I need some help to get back on my feet and get my kids a home. I have tried every thing I can think of and even trying to get a place with ex isn’t working because the rents are going up and up here because of tax time and things. It is about to the point we can’t afford anything together even.
I don’t feel bad for not telling him I have made it very clear to him that I don’t want to get back together and things from the start of all this. He keeps telling me how he loves me and he wants us to get back together and he hasn’t been talking to anyone else or looking at any of these sites anymore in the last few months. Then the other night I see on his email when he left it open that he is still talking to a bunch of different girls off these sites and things. Still lien to me I really don’t care but don’t lie to me. I don’t lie to him if I am talking to someone or going to meet someone. I haven’t been but if I do or decide to I tell him. He still treats me and the kids like dirt and talks to the kids like dirt. He just gets on my nerves being around him. I haven’t said anything to him because we been at other peoples houses and things and he tries to hide it or keep it low key. I haven’t said anything I bit my tongue and didn’t say anything to keep the peace because we aren’t in our own place. Me and my friend were talking about it the other night. She said yeah I know I could tell and see what you mean. I can’t stand the idea of locking myself into a place with him for a year.