I told you about my friend and her budgeting problems in my post It’s No Secret last week or so. Well she has called me a few times since all upset because all they are doing is fighting and things are really bad they have never been so bad. She is worried this maybe the end of her marriage. Her husband has said maybe they need to split up for a while and things already as well.
He wants her to go to work and help him with the bills and get caught up. She isn’t really looking for anything or wanting too. She says she has never really had to work he didn’t want her to work he wanted her home with the kids and to take care of the house and the things he needed/wanted. And she could go to school. She is going but she started way before me and I don’t think she has as many classes and credits done as I do. She has dropped or been dropped from I don’t know how many classes and then failed some too. She is in trouble with the school and can not get anymore aid because she has had so many problems. Now she has to take a class or two and pay for it herself and pass them before she can get aid back. That is almost $500 on top of all the other bills and rent they are behind in. Most of her classes are a hour away from home because of the program she is in. She needs to take something online so she can save gas and money. I helped her get into a computer class the only thing open online in her field to take. Then find out that she can’t take it from home because her computer is so old. I have told her for over a year let me go with you and help you get a laptop when you get your extra aid money so that you can do your classes from where ever you are. She took online classes before and had to go to the school and use their computers because hers wouldn’t work then. She said she had her upgraded so it should work with this class but it wasn’t upgraded enough to take this class it is to old to upgrade any more. She always say she was going to then complain later that all the money got spent and she didn’t get one because she gave it to him or used it to go here or there or to get this or that before they were ever behind on the bills. So now she need a computer that is going to be around $300. Or she has to figure out how to get the school. She applied for a scholarship through a different program that should pay for most all her classes she has left if not all and give her some left over. She could get her computer and books and get her other aid back once she takes this one class. She is still waiting to hear and do to what she needs to for them.
She calls the other day and tells me she is going to South Carolina to spend a month or two with her sons and their kids. I said what why? She said because things are so bad between her and her husband and they just need a break and she wants to see her kids. I said I think it is a horrible idea and if you go your marriage will probably be over for sure. She couldn’t understand why I.
I told her he has told you and told you that he needs your help getting out of this debt that you all are in and that you need to get a job. Now your basically saying fuck you I’m going to go on vacation for a couple months you stay here and figure it out work your ass off working 6/7 days straight and trying to pay it. On top of that she has the cost of the ticket to get there and money to spend when she gets there. She says yeah but he is really mad everything is my fault and I don’t understand whatever I try to do he gets mad he says I need to get a job. I said and your going to leave instead of getting a job. I said once you ask and as and then tell someone something and that you need help and they do not do what you ask or show no regard in trying to help, it gets to the point that anything they do down to breathing gets on your nerves because you feel they have no respect for you because they are not doing what you ask or offering to try and help and then come at your needing money for class and a computer and now want to go and take off for a month or two to spend time with family. I said do you not think he might like to go see the kids and things too. I said he isn’t going to tell you not to go because at this point it’s like I have told you what is up and what we need to do to fix things and to have things on better terms and you could careless your over here doing whatever and making other plans. I said you get to the point that your just like whatever do what you want to do. Because you are anyway. I said then you just decide that you are doing it on your own anyway why do you need them when they do not care and are not helping and off doing their own thing why you are stressing over everything and trying to fix it and you decide you if your doing it on your own now and they don’t care then you may as well be on your own and find some one who is going to to care and help when things get hard. I told her she sticks around and is fine as long as everything is good but every time they get hard she wants to split. That this time he has told her and told her. I said so don’t be surprised he has said maybe you all just need a break or what that if you go he tells you just to stay and don’t come back. She said yeah your right I wasn’t looking at it that way and things. I said I think he is telling you that yall need a break to get you to see that he really needs help and needs you to pick up some kind of job even if part time and get a little extra money in the house. In two weeks you could pay a months rent take off a big load of worries. Work a few months get rent and bills caught up and then work a few more to put money in the bank that is for times when something happens you don’t touch it unless you have to. She said yeah she wasn’t going to go and she was going to tell him the car needed fixed so she could get a job and that maybe if they got ahead they could go at Christmas time together.
She called me again the other day telling me her son’s wife is pregnant and they are having trouble with the girls she needs to go up there and get things under control. Her sons girls are out of control the mom does not make them listen she threatens if she does anything at all and does not follow through with any of it. She sleeps all day why the girls run the house then complains about the house being a mess. Now they are in school so they are not there making a mess why she sleeps. But they were way to little to be allowed to be up in the house all these years with no one watching them or enforcing rules. Now they are older they want to start being parents again and enforcing rules. You have a kid that has never had to follow rules and start laying down rules it isn’t going to go over well.
She can go there and they may listen to her like she is the warden but as soon as she leaves they are going to go right back to the way they always have been because mom and dad are not going to make them listen or enforce the rules. She has said it herself. So why is she going it is going to do no good.
She called me yesterday asking me if they can get in trouble for the kids being late all the time when the mom takes her and they are sitting in the parking lot of the school and the kid refuses to get out of the car? I said yes for being truant. But she is at school she just can’t get her out of the car and into the class. The only thing that counts with the school is if she is in her seat when the bell rings they do not care she is in the car and not getting out, in the car is not in the class ready to learn. It is not the schools fault if you can not control your child and get them to go to class that is another issue all together that has nothing to do with the school. She said they told her that they reported another family and they took the kids the mom did 10 days in jail and CPS was involved. I said yes they are right she can do time in jail for her not going to class.
I know this because my step brother skipped school all the time. My step dad or mom would take him to school give him to the dean, teacher or other staff member in charge at the school. they would let him go to go to class and he would leave. Even though they brought him to school and they know he did he still did every weekend in jail for months over him skipping and not going. So no they do not care you are in the parking lot with the child in the car or that you hand delivered them to the office and then they left. They only care that you get your child into class and that they stay there. So then she needed to go there to help her make her go to school. I said what good does that do? she knows that when you leave she can go back to same old same and your to far away to do anything. If her mom can not get her out of the car and get her to class then her dad needs to go there and make her do it. Yes he is going to miss work, it’s going to be a hassle but then she is in trouble for not listening to mom and for dad having to come there and get her into class. Once she see’s that dad is going to come and she is going to have to go and she is going to be in trouble when she gets home for causing problems she will start listening. Because she knows dad is close and dad can come. She knows your states away and can’t come so she can do what she wants. This kid has no respect for her mother or her father and until they all get it worked out she isn’t going to and she isn’t going to do anything they say. She has had no rules or anything up until this point why is she going to start following any now or letting someone else tell her what to do. She has been fine to do what she wants and make the rules for herself up until now what has changed.
Just like my kids respect me and listen. I get told all the time how good they are, what good manners they have and everything else. My kids are hardly ever punished for every long at all and not often. Most the time I will ask them or tell them this or that needs to be done and they do it or that they need to stop this or that and they do. If they don’t I can say if you do not stop or you do not do what I asked this is going to happen. They know that it is and they straighten up and do it or stop doing whatever it is they were told to stop. If not then I do whatever I tell them was going to happen. If you have that respect and they know that you will follow through with what you say it isn’t empty threats then they will listen and you don’t have to punish most times. They are kids they have their times they just aren’t going to listen they are wound up from whatever, they are tired or they just want to be brats and do what they want to do or not listen. We deal with it and move on. But the more we go the fewer and farther between those times happen.
Then she tells me she is looking for airline tickets to go to New York so that he can get them out of his next check. They are going because his mom and dad are going to be here for their anniversary and they are going to have a party for them. Then they are coming here to spend a week or two at their house before they go home. I said how are you going to do that when you owe all this back rent and other bills? The tickets alone will cover most of a months rent if not a full month or more. She said I know it’s going to have to wait and we will have to pay on it out of the check he gets when we get back. I said that is crazy why not just wait for them to come down take out a little money and go to a nice dinner with them? If you must do something, it will be a lot cheaper than flying up there and back and all the money you are going to spend. She said she knew but he said they were going he was not missing this time with his family. I said and what are you going to do when you come back and your homeless? I said because she has been very understanding and working with you all this time. But she has made comments because you were supposed to be paid up by now and your farther behind. I said if that was me and you were staying in my place and owed me months of rent and I found out you went on vacation I would evict you no questions asked. I said that is so rude and disrespectful. I said you know she needs her money just like you all need yours when he works and gets paid. You know she is working to stay a float and you owe her months like 3 or more in rent and then go on vacation. It isn’t right and your not doing anything but digging yourself into more debt. She says I know, I know but he says he is going this is his family and he isn’t missing it. I said I would refuse to go and spend the money on my ticket tell him to pay on rent with it. Oh I can’t do that you don’t understand his family. I said his family isn’t the one going to be homeless, his family is why you were renting a car when you had one that was fine, his family don’t have all the debt you do trying to pay off right now. You have seen his family a lot this year they have been here and you all spent money you didn’t have and his parents are coming here a few days after the party.
I just do not understand how people make it to almost 50 years old and see nothing wrong with partying and vacationing instead of paying bills and rent. It’s not like someone is sick and dying, they are good on bills but may be late if they go. If they were not behind and someone was dying I could understand. But they aren’t they want to go to a party nothing more nothing less just to go to a party. No regard that their bills are months behind. I just can’t wrap my mind around how they justify this in their minds. I really don’t think she was raised that way because her mom was a single mom who worked two jobs a lot of times to keep up with everything and would not apply and get any kind of help. Their aunt would help put when they needed it but I don’t think her mom just spent and blew money like they are. I don’t know how he was raised but I don’t see him being raised that way either because his mom and dad both worked and had decent jobs. His brother and sister both have really good jobs as well and are well off. I don’t know if it is just a keeping up face with his family or what. But your almost 50 you have to figure out what really matters and forget what others think of you at some point.
I know if something happens and they get thrown out of there they are going to be asking if they can stay here for a little bit until they find something or save some money. I feel bad because they have offered to let me and the kids stay there before or if we ever needed to to help us out. I never took her up on it but they did offer. But when they are just blowing and spending money when they have it and not paying bills then I have a hard time with saying sure come stay with me until you find something. Even if they said hey we are in over our heads we can’t get caught up we need to just move and start over she agreed to let us move so we don’t keep getting behind could we stay a month until we save some money and find a place so we can start over and fresh I would be more inclined to say sure. I had to do that twice when me and farther of the year was together because he wouldn’t pay bills and we would get behind. I paid what I could with the money I had but that was all I could do. But when they say we are going to a party states away instead of paying our rent knowing we are behind I have a problem with helping. Either way it will probably put a strain or end to our relationship if I did or I didn’t so it won’t really make a difference there. I have done everything I can to help and to try and help her set a budget because she says she don’t know how or where to start she is over whelmed with it. If they want to party instead then there is nothing I can do
I think she got a little mad about me telling her that she was in the wrong wanting to leave instead of get a job and about going to this party instead of paying her rent but I can’t help it. She wants to call and tell me all her problems and ask what she should do or just to complain how bad things are and then tell me she is going to do this. She better bet I am going to call her out on it. She still calls so I guess she isn’t to mad. Like I told her when she was talking about going to see her kids. I will tell her all the time no what he is doing isn’t right or he is in the wrong or your both need to work on things. But this time she is in the wrong to just take off after he has asked her and told her he needs help. She knows not to tell me what is going on or for advice if she don’t want it because I am going to give it and it isn’t going to be sugar coated or watered down.
I just hope my kids learn to manage their money better and handle things differently. I try to show them and teach them and they see me do it all the time. I just hope it sticks with them and they don’t feel that partying is better than paying what they owe. I ever done that my dad would roll over in his grave. I have never left anywhere owing money. I may get behind or what but I always make sure they are paid and leave before I get to the point I can’t pay the one or two times it came down to that. Like I said then it wasn’t my fault I paid what I could.