A Single Parents Life

{July 27, 2016}   He Loves Being a Dick

Today is one of those times that I have been really pissed off at RC and Father of The Year. I have been dealing with sick kids since last weekend. I have been to the doctors office three times now, the ER and the lab for blood work. Last Monday they all 4 were sick and were seen, only one needed antibiotics, my little one who had double ear infection. Saturday morning/Friday night I ended up in the ER with my Little Guy because he woke up with his ear hurting so bad he was in tears and about to be sick from it. Monday I took the older two in for their physicals, Little Bitty for her recheck and Little Guy to be checked again even though he just been the day before. I don’t know something just kept bothering me about him and I wanted to get him checked by his doctor. Today after I dropped him at school I had to go back to the doctors office because they did not give me the forms for school or the forms for the blood work the doctor wanted. To get to the lab and wait almost two hours because they were packed.

We finally got out of there and got home I call to get the last paper I needed faxed the the childcare place so they can decide my case, it’s and hour wait to talk to someone. When the lady finally called me back she was very rude and refused to help me and fax it because she could not talk to someone at the office. Said she couldn’t fax it unless I was there and someone from there was willing to get on the phone and talk to her. We loaded up and had to go down to the office to get a copy of the letter to take them. While I was there I decided to fill out for a new social security card since he hasn’t had one since I was with RC. I had to go to their office and they make you have the number every time and they kept it that time. I tried to get one before and they wouldn’t give me one said I needed something from the school that his school didn’t even use or know what they were talking about. Today I told them and then the guy ask if I had anything for him for ID, I told him I had his birth certificate, that wasn’t good enough, couldn’t be used for ID. I told him I had his shot paper found both of them and gave him he wouldn’t use either one because they were dated over a year ago. They do not expire I do not have to get a new one every year but they still refused to take it. I finally thought of his forms from the doctor and he took that. He gave me the letter I needed and even made me two copies of it so I could take the one and drop it where I needed to drop it. I ask him to make one he made two so I had extra.

I get home almost 5 pm to get my computer class done and turned in by 1159. I ask Father of the Year to get the kids for dinner so I could work on my school stuff or I wouldn’t get it done. He proceeds to tell me how it was my fault that I didn’t have it done. That if I had been working on it this week I wouldn’t be rushing to get it done. He just went on and on a slue of crap. Tell me how he works and he has to get there every day and on time and make sure the stuff is done right he can’t leave it to the last minute and run there and do it, I need to work on it more. One I work on my school stuff every day at some point for at least a few hours or more. Most nights until I can’t hold my eyes open, I have to put it away and go to sleep. It has just been so much with all this one teacher has wanted from the be gaining that it is all I can do to work on classes before the day they are due or the maybe the day before. But I always make sure I set aside time to get them done. Second, when does he think I should have been working on them between the trips to the doctors, er, lab, to take my mom to the school, shopping, my sister to a few places she had to go, cooking, cleaning, and dealing with sick kids? Oh and don’t forget the three trips I have made to one school, the two trips I have made so far to the other, therapy twice, the child care place, social office and the other places I am sure I am forgetting? I guess I should have my laptop sitting on the steering wheel of the truck hot spot to my phone for internet working on it as I drive down the road, sitting in my lap at the schools working on it while I am trying to talk to them about enrolling the kids, and at the er why they are talking to me about what is wrong and my Little Guy is lying there crying in pain wanting me to comfort him.

Would you look at all these things above, all these places and the stuff done, do you see the two thing it all has in common? Did you guess that I was the only one there doing it, taking care of it and making sure it is all getting done? Did you guess that he wasn’t there for any of it and has no clue what went on, has or hasn’t been done, what needs to be done even though he has been told? If so you guessed right. But I should have this done and not rushing at the last minute to take care of it.

I said something about all that I have been doing and have to do and he says to me. well I can’t just tell them at work sorry I can’t come in until this time or that, or I have to take of by this time to that I can run around and take care of all these things. You don’t work you should be handling it. I said no but I’m going to school and have to have time to get things done and get it in on time. But again it’s only me things I have to get done and can’t not do so it don’t matter. He said no I didn’t say that. I said you just did, I don’t work so I should be taking care of all this stuff even though I have my classes to take care of. You can’t because if your job it’s for me to do and it has to get done. But then you stand here bitching because I ask you to take the kids for dinner so I can get my stuff done. Well I’m just saying that you are home all the time and have time to do it you should get it done. Hello when am I home all the time, I just told you everywhere I have been for days hours at a time. Well at night you should be working on it. I said I do or try to I’m so wore out I pass out. He had the nerve to say something about the few hours of sleep I may get a night. See’s nothing wrong with the fact that he does none of this but I am working my ass off trying to get it all done and trying to keep up with my classes. He goes to work gets off goes home, takes a shower as soon as he walks in the door because he is hot and sweaty from working. God for bid the kids ask him for something or need something. He stomps around and tells them they need to wait he isn’t doing anything for them right now he is getting a shower. Half the time they are just trying to say high or tell him something about his day. But he starts bitching before he even finds out because he thinks he might have to do something. Then he tells them he can’t talk to them right now walks off. But let me even go to the bathroom and change my clothes when I walk in the house and he is bitching why I’m not helping the kids they need this and that and I’ve ran off to my room when there is all this shit that needs to be done. Tonight I was taking pictures of my work with my phone trying to save time writing everything down. He walks by bitching about me texting everyone and talking to everyone about him when I’m the fucking bitch with the problem and who don’t do anything, that’s why I can’t get my work done for texting everyone all the time.

Then bitching the kids this and that and not doing this or that. I said you know last night we came home, they all came right in here and help me make dinner and load the dishwasher. I said Little Guy helped me crack eggs and beat them, poured the milk in them. Little Bitty helped stir them. Big Boy got the bacon all ready and in the pot while big girl made biscuits and helped cook the bacon and eggs why I did other stuff in the kitchen. I said the we sat down ate and watched a move together. I said I went to do homework while they were watching the move but realized I had finished it already for that class. I made the mistake of saying I came back out and finished the movie with the kids. He said you should have been doing your computer homework then. My computer homework is very involved not like the other work I had come to do. It would have taken hours to do and a lot of attention to detail. Where as what I came to do would have taken 20 to 30 minutes to do and not a lot of details. I was tired I fell asleep watching the move but knew I had that little bit of work that had to be in in a little bit and was going to make sure to get it in. It was already close to ten. We finished the move and was in bed in no time after that. I would have never been able to get the work done and would have had to go back today and fixed what I did work on if I had tried to start it last night.

I just can’t wait for the kids to get back in school because I know when they do I will be fine. It’s just getting these few classes done and passing them so I can take all the ones I have lined up to take. I will have 6 hours a day kid free to work on it. Hopefully the few classes won’t be as involved as this one has been. If it is I will probably trade it out for something different. I don’t mind doing the work but when it is just because I’m the teacher and I can make you do this so I am. I don’t have time for that. Many others are starting to talk and complain about the work and things now. I so wish I had it to do over again I would have done things a lot different and would be in a better position if I had. But you just get so caught up in trying to get it all done stay caught up and keep up the other classes.

Him bitching and saying all this shit when he does nothing but go to work and come home to sit just pushed my buttons and pushed me over the edge tonight. It was all I could do not to knock the shit out of him. I am thinking I am doing this for the kids, I don’t mind doing it but I do mind, but it pisses me off when someone does the way he does and says the shit he says. When he does nothing. All I could think was if you were not here bitching right now you be at home or off doing whatever you wanted to do why I am taking care of all this for your three kids. If I didn’t god knows who would or how things would be. This is the way your going to talk to me and act to me. Then I thought of my Little Bitty’s dad and how he isn’t here and does nothing for her don’t even know if she is alive or not. Ok I’m sure he knows because I am sure he is keeping tabs as he always has. But you know what I mean. He is off living life going to work, going out or whatever he wants and not thinking twice about a baby sister, if his kid needs anything or if everything is taken care of for her or not. Just like this one. Before we ever got in the fight when I was telling all that I had done for the kids and school and had left to make sure they all have their spots and things I asked him if he could take the kids Friday night because it’s my friends birthday and she wants to go do something. She can’t drink or anything like that, just go out to dinner play pool or something for a little bit. He says I probably have to work Saturday. I said well you couldn’t come here and stay with them you all can go to bed I be home before you have to go to work. Then you don’t have to get them up and ready and bring them home before you go to work. He got all shitty about that and walked off. But if it was his friend and he wanted to go somewhere he just wouldn’t call or tell the kids anything rather it was his weekend to have them or not he would just go. Mind you he is supposed to have them every other weekend hopefully after this Friday. He is supposed to have them from Friday night to Monday morning and drop them at school. He isn’t going to be able to do it because he has to be at work at 7 and they don’t go to school until 8:20 and 9. So if they are lucky he will have them from Friday sometime until Sunday afternoon he will be trying to pound them off so he can do what he wants to do. He won’t even keep them until that evening or until after dinner. He never did before. He get them Saturday sometimes Friday and the be calling to bring them home about the time they got up ate and got dressed. If he dose I will go back and have the child support changed since they will only be staying about 50 days out of 365 in stead of 80 like he put in the paperwork.

I better get off here it is after 3 i got to get some sleep. So I can get up tomorrow and start the mad rush over again.


{July 26, 2016}   Around To Much

Father of the year had been hanging around way to much lately, I hadn’t said a lot because he with the kids and I been working like crazy on my school stuff and things. But he comes over and freaks out because of the way they do things or that they aren’t doing things. He had a fit because the dishwasher wasn’t loaded how he would load it or because of what they put in the wash. Just stupid stuff, and when he is here I put him to work as well take out the trash or go to the store whatever. Then he complains. I told him you know what who does all of it when your not here and who is paying everything why you don’t pay a dime? Your lucky I even let you see the kids. I mostly just tell him shut the hell up and if he don’t like it go home. Anymore I just look at him tell him oh well go home, it’s my house this is how things are done. He no longer has the right to say how things are done or complain about them. When or if he ever gets his own place he can have all the say he wants and complain all he wants. He gets all mad but never says anything and don’t leave forever.

I haven’t been letting him hang out as much and been trying to keep the time he is here low when he does come by. To night he hasn’t been here at all and it is so nice. I had a busy day today running around with all 4 kids. We dropped paper work at the little one’s school, dropped paperwork off at the childcare place and then I took all 4 to the doctor. I was in the ER with my little guy two nights ago because he got up crying in pain saying it was his ear. I didn’t want him to have to wait until today to be seen and get medication for it so I took him. I needed to get physical forms for all of them but him but wanted to get him checked. He was still saying last night it hurt band even with pain medication. They said the one was really bad the other was kind of red. Today the bad one was running and she said the other was pretty infected now too. She added ear drops to the other three things he is already taking.

On my way to get their medications and pick up bacon for dinner my mom called and said my grandma needed to go to the hospital. I was going to go take her but they weren’t ready and it was going to be a little bit. So Father of The Year was off and on his way home by then. I told him to just take her since he was already going to be there. It didn’t really matter who took her because my mom was going with her and staying. I couldn’t stay since I had all 4 kids and two of them are sick already. They were monsters at the doctors office. We went to the store got things we needed and their medications. We got home everyone went to work unloading and loading the dishwasher, dusting, getting everything together to cook and helping cook. I was shocked how good of a mood they were in after we had been riding around all day spent forever in at the doctors and went to the store. How helpful they were and wanting to help and asking to do things. We all cooked dinner and sat in the living-room and watched a movie together while we ate. After dinner and the move we ran up to the little store and ended up driving around talking for a while. We got home the older two took care of the dogs and they all went to bed with no problems or fights.

The mood and atmosphere is so different in the house when he isn’t around. Even though he don’t live here and he just comes over it is still so different when he is here and when he isn’t. Even when we know he is coming its different. It just seems full, thick, dark and dreadful, you feel like you can’t settle or there is no peace even if nothing is said or happens when he is here you feel like your not at peace. I feel restless inside, it’s so hard to explain. It’s like he shouldn’t be here or that something bad has come in when he is here, is really the only way to explain it. My soul is restless when he is here. I don’t know why and have not felt that way around him before. I get this feeling like he isn’t supposed to be here I shouldn’t let him come here and that he needs to leave. It just seems to get stronger every time he comes.

I don’t know what to think about it really. I just know that tonight was a really nice night for me and the kids.

{July 22, 2016}   New Schools

I have found schools for the kids, now I just have to get all the paperwork and money in before the spots fill up. I have to take the papers in for the little ones tomorrow. I went in yesterday and they said they had two openings for my Little Bitty’s age and about 6 for my Little Guy’s age. I was supposed to take the papers back today but to much crap happen and I didn’t make it. I am going to drop Little Guy at school, grab my friend and then fill the papers out and go drop them off. I wish all 4 were going there it would be so nice, but I don’t feel their program for the bigger kids is as good as it is for the little ones. I feel it could be better for the bigger ones and that the guy didn’t even want to check into my sons scholarship or anything about taking it so he couldn’t go there anyway.

I found a school that looked good me and the kids went and checked it out Tuesday. They really liked it and I think it will be a good fit for them. It is a really small school only 26 kids. They take grades 1-12th. The kids don’t care they like that it is so small and the teachers can give them more one on one help. I think we all really liked it because it isn’t much different than use homeschooling other than they go there with other kids and teachers instead of me doing it. They do their work in their subjects in the morning, then in the afternoon they work on projects, life skills, experiments and different things like that. They have their own Boy Scout troop and if they have enough girls a Girl Scout troop. If not the girls do the things with the boys. They also have someone that comes in to do some of the life skills, she teaches them to cook, shop, money, budgets and things like that. They have chapel once a week and go on field trips.

She said if there is a holiday they do it, they have a big breakfast for St Patrick’s day, a family dinner for Thanksgiving, I think I seen they do a float in the Christmas parade even. She told me about days they close that other schools don’t and all that. Most of them are for training, she takes everyone so they can spit up and get more out of it and teach each other what they learned. They take special needs kids, gifted kids and everything in between. They all work together no matter what they have, don’t have or their needs, age, or grade. They get together and do projects or work on things as well as their other work.

I told her how my oldest tested really high in a lot of things and how she tested out at all most three years into college for reading, but scored low on math and that it has been both of their weak points. I told her that my Big Guy had not done so great on his test but I didn’t feel it was right because he had tested higher before, how I seen him looking off into space and the other kids said he was drawing on his paper during parts of it. She was shocked at my oldest testing so high on her reading. She said not to worry about my other one that they would be doing their own test. She never said when they needed to do their test I thought before we left and ask her if I needed to set a time to come in so they could do it in the next week or so since they were starting soon? She said no, they don’t test them before school starts. She said that once school starts they take a day or so to test them. She said they don’t tell them they are testing them they just tell them this is their work for the day and give them the test and let them take it. They don’t time it or anything. They want to really see what they know and what they don’t or where there are gaps that need to be filled in. She said when they would test them before school started they would test order all their books then when school started and they put them in front of the kids they would be clueless how to do the work or they would fly through it. She said they just guess and mark whatever on the test to get it done or were to nerves and not do good on it. So they switched to doing it this way and just giving it to them as their work for the day not calling it a test and they got better results and was able to really tell what level the kids where on in each subject and where they needed help and things.

That was something else I liked about it because they test for each subject as well and place them at grade level for each subject not just at grade level by how old you are so you should be in this grade or your not good in math so you have to go back to this grade until you get it. That is what a lot of the schools told me they would hold them back or bump them back grades just because they didn’t know math. A lot don’t have tutors either. Here they offer free tutoring a half hour twice a week and then you can also pay for it if they need more, in addition to what they get in school.

Like I told them my oldest has always been advanced when she was younger it wasn’t to big of a deal in school, by the time she hit 4th it was starting to be a problem. She say to me mom the teacher handed me this book that’s like 100 pages and 6 or 8 chapters and told us all to read chapter one for homework. The next day we get to school I have finished the book and the rest of the kids haven’t even read but half the first chapter if that, so then I have to sit there and wait while they read it out loud as a class or on their own before we can move on. Or mom I finish my work and sit there and wait while the kids take forever to do theirs. My favorite mom the teacher paired all the smart kids up with a stupid kid today. I said do not say that it is not nice. She said well not stupid but the ones who don’t do their work or goof off instead of doing their work. Now they are going to want to just copy our papers or we are going to get stuck doing all the work why they do nothing. She said I will help them but I am not doing all the work and I am not going to wait to do my work forever if they don’t do theirs or don’t keep up doing theirs I am going to do mine on my own and they can do theirs and I will tell the teacher that too. I don’t want a partner I want to work on my own I can get it done and over with faster than dragging it out forever.

She is like me in that since, if something needs to be done and it’s a your here and got to do it kind of things, I don’t want to take all day. I want to do it and get it done as quick as possible and move on to what needs to be done. I don’t slack or not do good work, I give it my all and do the best I can, but I do it quickly, I don’t take a million breaks or drag it out just because.

But anyway I think it they like it as well because it is a lot like what we do at home, they get to work at their level in everything and they get to do trips and things. My oldest is sold because she don’t have to wear uniforms and they have a microwave to heat her lunch up in.

I have so much crap that needs done around my house and no energy to do it. I have been sleeping a little more but mostly in the day time after I take my little one to school. I hate it because the other kids sleep too. I really don’t want to but I am just so tired I can’t help it I can’t hold my eyes open. Normally I would clean at night but I have been sleeping so very little I’m exhausted at night and just lay in bed watching the Losers with my little one hoping to sleep but I don’t. Maybe an hour before I have to get the other one off to school.

Both my boys go to see the therapist now. But she only had openings on Wednesday and Thursday. Not a big deal since I am down that way everyday to take my Little Guy to school and pick him up. My Big Boy goes at 3 on Thursday has for a while now, Little Guy goes at 4:30 Wednesday. I feel so stupid, I told my mom I couldn’t take her where she needed to go because I would not be done in time to pick my little guy up and get there.

I only slept a hour Tuesday night, I dropped Little Guy off at school and came home laid down a little bit. I slept about a hour got everyone up ready and went to check out schools. I said if we leave by 12 or a little before we can go from the school to pick the little one up then go to therapy. We left the school and had a little bit of time. I decided to check on another one then go get him. I picked him up and stopped to get gas and the kids a drink. It was so hot and we had been out a few hours by then and was going to be out a few more. It is only about a 15 minute trip from school to therapy. But then when we get to therapy finding a parking place is not always easy. Sometimes I have to circle a few times to find one. It is in the down town historical area. When we do find one we have to walk a few blocks to get to the office. I seen that with traffic and having to park we were going to be a few minutes late. It really isn’t a big deal because she runs over anyway most the time. Its like be here at 3 but 3:05 or 3:10 is fine too. It’s how it is when your working with kids and ones with special needs. It works for everyone. Anyway, I text her and said on the island will be a little late but on the way. I like to tell her even though it isn’t a big deal. This way if she don’t have someone she isn’t wondering if we are coming.

I did not look at her reply, didn’t notice she did until we were walking in the office. I just seen it said 30. I thought great we aren’t late I messed up. We had like 20 minutes or more I took the kids to the part. I let them play a little bit. I seen it was few minutes til 3:30 I got them together and went back. We get up there and these kids walk out and are was so tired I didn’t even notice who they were. We all pass coming and going, I thought oh they are new, they aren’t here at this time most the time, maybe the swapped times for the day. About that time the mom walked out it clicked who it was. It was my Little Bitty’s brothers and their mom. The therapist was standing there going your not supposed to be here your not supposed to be here until 4:30 today. I just looked at her like she had three heads. It was about 20 to 4 she said her others weren’t there so we could see if they showed up. Of course they did. I just looked at her and said lets just forget  it and start over tomorrow. She just looked at me and laughed said ok. Then she stop me and ask me about schools. I think she was just trying to stall until they got gone but then one of the boys came in and wanted the key to the bathroom. We talked a minute and we went on. I don’t know if they were gone or if they were still in the bathroom. I really didn’t even care at that point I was so hot from walking back and forth in the heat and standing out in it while the kids played. The thought of going to sit out there another 45 minutes walking over there and back and back up the stairs there was to much. It’s like a 100 year old building with these horrible 100 year old wood funky steps. I have just about fell down them a few times and i think all the kids have in someway shape or form. Not like rolled down them but tripped stumbled fell straight down on them.

I had my oldest with me I was shocked she didn’t say anything to the kids or about who it was once we left but she didn’t. Today it came up and I told her I didn’t even know who they were at first and I had no clue they were there. She said yeah I put a client between you all so I didn’t have you both here at the same time. My oldest said yeah I was like WHAT when I seen them walk out yesterday. She didn’t know anything about them being there because she wasn’t with us and I hadn’t said anything to her or anything. I think she is afraid that if she see’s me she is going to figure out at some point who I am and that she may start something. I told her long ago I had no problems with her that I had thought about contacting her but wasn’t sure how she would respond. That I wouldn’t start anything there and with the kids. She knows but I think she isn’t sure how she is going to respond. But like she said before she don’t even know my name or anything. All she really knows is hear say from what her mom told her. Whatever the boys said. I don’t think the boys have said anything bad other than they got in trouble for not listening and acting wild.

I just can’t believe that I did that and not only messed up once with the time but twice with it, with in no time at all.

The therapist said her husband said something about her being home early. She said yeah she got there really early then came back in a little bit and it was still early. She said she told him I had all the kids with me, I looked frazzled and just had that look. She said she told him you know that look I get when I’m just done and that’s it. He said OH that look yeah probably better to skip it for the day. I wouldn’t not have skipped it but I knew that she had no one after us and that she could leave and go home. If she had people coming after us and was going to sit an hour just waiting then I would have went back to the part and waited or sat there and waited.

We never miss and if we have to I let her know a week or two before most the time. If not at least a few days. There was one time we didn’t show and I didn’t call her she waited because I got stuck in a test for school. I couldn’t leave to call her or take him. There was once I was having a day about like Wednesday but we hadn’t even gotten out of the house that day and it had been two or three days like that not just one. I text her that morning and said it’s a day a really bad day and we are not coming. Everything is fine everyone is fine but getting there just isn’t going to happen today. There has been times she has text and ask if we can change days or times with another family because they can’t make it at their normal time but can at ours. Sine we have been homeschooling she knows we are really flexible to when we can come in vs kids in school. I don’t mind because she will change things for us if she needs to or if something like the other day happens she don’t flip and you missed if you miss any more or you have to pay a big fee and things. We all work around each other. She has worked with my Big Boy since he was 2 years old so she knows us really well it’s more like friends or family. She says all the time she wish that her son and mine could play together because they get along so well. They use to go to school together so they know each other and were friends. But with him seeing her and things she can’t set up get together s and things.

I want to go to bed earlier it don’t have to even be earlier if I could just go to bed when I normally do and sleep not just lay there up all night would be great. I can stay up until 2 even 3 am then sleep until 7/7:30 and go for the day when I really go to sleep. It don’t bother me. I want to start getting up earlier and try to get the kids on a better sleep times. They are starting school in a few weeks and have to start getting up early and not able to come home and go back to bed in a little bit. I don’t want to be so tired all I do is come home and go to sleep why they are at school either. My goal once they all get back in school is to drop them all off at school, then hit one of the gyms for at least an hour, then come home get cleaned up work on my work for school, do my shopping, go to appointments or whatever I need to do. Then go get them come home have dinner, spend some time with the kids get them ready and in bed. Spend some time doing more work, writing here or just relax a little and go to bed. But the way I feel and things right now I can’t help but lay down and go back to sleep. I try to stay up so I will be sleepy at night, I’m so drained I just sit on the couch and fight to hold my eyes open and think about all the things I should be or need to be doing until I lose the fight and I wake up and it’s an hour or two later. So I just go lay down in my bed so that at least I get some sleep, I’m not hurting from sleeping bunched up on the couch and if I’m not going to be up cleaning I may as well sleep than just sit there doing nothing other than thinking about it all.

It’s after 3:30 and I have to have my boy to school by 8 then pick up a friend and run around to schools to turn in paperwork, get paper work to go with it and everything. I still have to turn in my childcare paperwork because even though I went and got it with in hours of them calling I still haven’t gotten it done either and it has to get in this week only a few days left to get it in. I feel tired but am wide awake can’t sleep.


{July 18, 2016}   Should Be Doing Homework

But it is so late and I am tired but can’t sleep, but not in a state I would get much done if I tried working on it. I thought I was going to get my bed to myself tonight I was wrong. Money just came got in my bed ask if we could watch  a show. Before I could move things to lay down and turn it on she is passed out sideways across the top of my bed here behind me. I could try to put her in her bed but lately she sleeps like a feather. I lift her off the bed and she is pointing to get back in it and don’t stay in hers if I take her.

I think this is another reason I can’t get my work done I am not sleeping good at night. Then all I want to do in the day is sleep or I walk around like a zombie just bumping through the day. I have two reports due one this Sunday and one next Sunday. Next weeks is an eight page report from an interview I have to do with someone who works with domestic violence. My sons theripest use to and said she could do it but I think I need someone who does it now. I will probably end up using her and hoping for the best because I don’t have anyone to watch the kids while I go interview someone. I will just print the questions out or email them to her and have her answer them or do them at her office why the kids play. I have to get at least a C in the class, I don’t think at this point I can pull off anything higher but with the Summer I have had I will be happy with a C. Then my computer class decided to save a bulk of the work and drop on us at the end of the class when it is the harder stuff rather than at the start of the class when the stuff we were learning was easier. He even said that most students in past classes found these to be harder chapters and work and that it seem to take them a lot longer. But does he try to change things around and even things out no. You would think knowing we have a shorter term and having to get everything done in less time than the other terms he would try to make it so that all the hard stuff is due in a week at the same time. It is a class I let drop me last time so I didn’t know all this work was at the end. I thought it was another one that I knew what kind of work load it was and it would go good with the other classes. Boy was I wrong.

I have to have the class for my degree but not to move on and do other things. If I don’t pass it this time I am going to save it until later and take. I still can’t decide what to take this term coming up and the last day to sign up for classes is in the next week or so. If I wait longer I will be charged a late fee for each class and I don’t want to do that. I want to keep as much of my money as I can and not waste it. Part of it depends on if I pass this one class or not. I guess I will go ahead and pick my classes as if I am going to pass, if I don’t I will have to redo it and then pay the late fee. I think I have figured it out and if I do really good on the last few lessons and the exam I will have a just under a B.

I guess I better get to sleep I have to have my boy to school in about 5 hours. Not sure if we are going to school or making a stop at the doctors first. He has a cough, now my big boy has it and my oldest says her throat hurts. I want to keep him home but they said if he misses days he will not be allowed to finish the program. He really likes going, he would be so upset if he couldn’t keep going. It’s ok if he is late or if he gets checked out early he just has to show up for part of the day. I may just take him and let him stay long enough to get counted as there and bring him home. I am not sure yet.

Right now I am just going to enjoy my few hours in my bed alone. I got her to her bed without waking her, she isn’t feeling good either and hasn’t had a nap today so she must be wiped out.

{July 18, 2016}   I love My Children, BUT….

As bad as it may sound I can not wait for my youngest to start daycare. I don’t know what to do with her anymore. She is very much her own person and knows it. She don’t care if she gets in trouble she just goes on and does what she wants no matter how much you warren her or get on to her. She is 3 going on 30. I don’t know where this has come from because I haven’t treated her no different than the rest of the kids.

It’s pretty bad when my sons therapist watched her in her office why we were there for him and said oh my you are going to have your hands full with this one. She is going to give you a run for your money worse than the other three put together. She says she is a very old wise soul who LOVED shoes. She will steal the shoes off anyone’s feet she don’t care if they are her size or not. She has liked shoes since she could move around on her own.

The other day my niece came home with me, we walk in the door and met by my Little Bitty, she looks at her feet and says I like your shoes can I wear them? They are way to big, she tells her not right now and they go off to play. I hear her all the way down the hall talking about how much she likes her shoes and trying to get them. She was here a couple hour and comes out with no shoes. She said she talked me out of them I couldn’t take it no more. Little Bitty comes dancing out of the bedroom so happy showing off “her” shoes.

She is always stuck to me like glue if I am at the table trying to do my schoolwork she wants to be in my lap the chair next to me isn’t good enough. If I am sitting on my bed trying to do it or something else she is all over my bed climbing around and jumping. At night she refuses to sleep in her bed she has to be in my bed then she don’t want to lay down and go to sleep she wants to pester the dogs, jump around on the bed get up and down. Last night I locked her out of my room and told her she had to go sleep in her bed. She picked the lock. I put her back out she went and got into a bunch of stuff and had a fit. I try to not spank my kids but she has gotten a few swats on the butt lately. She cries for a minute and goes on. I get on her she cry for a minute and go on or just laugh. sometimes she laughs when I swat her but. I have resorted to taking her ponies or other toys she gets upset but then just don’t care or will finally do what ever it is I am asking after a fight to get them back without doing it.

My oldest was hard but she wasn’t even like this. She was mostly a mess maker, she wanted to play in everything soap, cleaners, glue, craft stuff just anything that she knew she was not supposed to be in she had to find a way and get in it if you turned your back for a minute. She also liked to have screaming fits if she did not get what she wanted but that got nipped in the butt really quick. I ignore her like she wasn’t even there why she sat infront of the tv and screamed or at my feet. I would walk around her and keep doing what I had to do until she came and talk to me without crying and having a fit. One really bad fit I made her knock on the door of the lady who lived in the apartment next to me and tell her she was sorry for having such a fit and making her listen to it and that she would try not to do it again. She caught on to what was going on and told her thank you for coming and saying sorry but she didn’t like to listen to her having her fit because then she couldn’t hear her tv and relax after work so she would be very happy if she didn’t do it anymore. After that if she started to have a fit and get loud I just say would you like to talk about it or have your fit and have to go knock on doors again and tell people you are sorry they had to listen to you? Most times that is all it took she stop and go on.

This one I have tried everything and anything I can to get her to listen or do what she needs to do and she just walks around like she could careless and does what she wants to do. Then cries when she gets in trouble but I am starting to feel that is a game too. I am so tired of it and drained. I can’t get anything done or consintrate on my school stuff when doing it. She don’t sleep she is up all hours of the day and night. By the time she goes to sleep I am so tired I can’t hold my eyes open to try and do it so I just do it the best i can wit her running around acting crazy and climbing everywhere or tearing the house apart why I am to busy to stop her.

Today I tried sending the boys to clean their room and had my oldest take her to sit down and play with her ponies, houses, people and cars. She loves to play with these things all together and has a huge imagination. I figured if someone sat down with just her and played what she wanted to play and spending time with her she would like that. Nope she ran off to aggervate the boys, pester the dogs and climb all over me and around me. No matter how much she tried she would not come play. I tried putting it away for a while to sit down and play with her some still could care less just run around and do what she wanted to do. I am at a loss, I am tired, wore out and feel like I could sleep for a week.

Today the thought how nice it would be if her dad was around I could take her and let her go spend a few days with him get a break get my work for the rest of the term down and get my house clean. That maybe he could get through to her some how, maybe we just need a break from each other. Then I thought she is like this now what is she going to be like when she gets older and how is she going to take her dad not being around when she gets old enough to start asking questions and understand. Is she going to take that and go even more wild or who know. I feel like a horrible mother with her right now. I don’t know what to do with her or for her. I don’t know why she is acting this way or what would help. I tried spending time with her doing things she wanted to do or ask to do, ignoring her, punishing her and nothing seems to get through to her. It does she just don’t care. I feel she is so disrespectful and that is my big pet peeve with kids and adults. I know that don’t help.

{July 17, 2016}   No Privacy

I am so pissed right now maybe I shouldn’t be but I am. Father of the Year was here earlier and my mom calls. She just wanted to let him know he got something from the job he didn’t go back to, said she opened it figured it was a “handbook” or something. Then she says and another paper you probably got the last few days too. I am thinking what is she talking about. I was like what? She said one I’m sure you got a copy of in the last few days. She isn’t wanting someone to hear her. I guess my grandma sitting there but it don’t bother me if she knows I’m going to finish it. It is no secret that we are getting a divorce it never has been. I opened it when I seen where it was from she said figured he need to know.

If she knows that I got a copy too and he has been over here almost every day then she knows we have talked bout it. He will be there to get it so he can open it himself. Then she says so what did you all decide or put in it? I knew what she was getting at I just said wasn’t much to put in it really. She says yes there is. I said just your basic stuff, we don’t have property and things. I said he gets the kids the weekends. She kept saying what else and stuff. I said that’s it really. We ended up hanging up and she text me what about leaving the state, custody, child support?

I just text her back said that I couldn’t do out of state until I got ready to go, we have to go back for it he has them the weekends like he wants and that we worked it out. He wasn’t home but I am sure she will grill him when he gets there about it all and when it is over she will open the papers they send and read all through them because she is so fucking noise. I told him I would go get a PO box and have all my mail sent to it from now on that is crazy.

Honestly I don’t care if she opens and reads all his mail that comes there. But I do care when it is my business too and she is opening and reading it and getting in the middle of it. The way she is about her “business” and everyone telling hers. But then she is going to go and open his mail. That is messed up. She jumped all over my sister for posting online and asking people to pray for my grandpa when he was having heart surgery. She posted her “business” if someone ask how she is or where she is staying you say oh over here or there she gets all pissed because your telling her “business”. But it is ok for her to post all about my dad when he was so sick how he found out he was sick and how bad it was, how fast he got worse and how bad it was then and to keep me and my brother in their thoughts or what as we went through this and handled it and how we were handling it. Or how she thought we were because I hardly talked to or seen her. She didn’t mind posting all of our business everywhere and telling anyone and everyone who would listen but don’t tell hers and now she can open other peoples mail and read all their business and then have the nerve to call them up and want to know all about it and what she couldn’t find out and expect you to tell her.

I was so pissed and floored when she said she opened it and started questioning it I didn’t know what to say. She didn’t want me to sign anything saying I could leave the state with the kids. She told him a while back that if he did I would leave and she probably never see them again or not for a long time. She text me back what about child support in a little bit. I just said what about it why does it matter? She text because he has to have money to pay bills his bills blah blah, bullshit. I said one of his checks would pay half his bills there and if he had to pay them all two of them would pay them all and he still have two more. No they won’t and he normally only works for minimum wage bullshit bullshit and more bullshit. He don’t when he ran tow truck he made most times at least what he is making here sometimes more, once in a while less but not often was it less. The job he just worked a few weeks is first job he make at that now he back at this place. She saying it’s only temp through December then he back to making nothing. She has no clue what she talking about. They told him with this company these two projects will last through at least December, then they move them to another company or project if this company don’t need them for a project. But this company is big so I am sure they will have other projects but if not they will move him. Other guy said he been working with this company 2 years and they keep him working all the time with different companies and don’t have gaps in work. Like I said before he can make the money, it isn’t always easy to find but he can if he looks.

Last thing she said was you can’t go have them change it based on this new job it’s only temp and he don’t make that again. I just didn’t say anything. I said yeah to something she said before that but it didn’t go until after she said that so she thinks I answer that. So she thins that he should make over $3000 the next 5 or 6 months and just pay his kids as if he is only making about $1200 and she see’s nothing wrong with that. Her own grand-kids and oh well don’t give them anymore? It don’t matter you are making that much a month, just pay as little as you can get away with paying. She knows he does not buy them anything he pays what he has to and that’s it. Last time what he paid didn’t even pay daycare for the month for the youngest. I still had all their clothes, shoes, uniforms, school trips bills food and everything to buy for and he didn’t even buy them Christmas or birthday gifts. Said oh your not putting my name on what YOU GOT!!!!

It be one thing if it was $100 more a week or something even. But we are talking about, well over double. Even though they won’t count it toward his support and they will only base it on 40 at his base pay, he is still making all that money in over time as well. He just told me today that the next two weeks they are talking about doing 7 days a week not 6 and working all 10 hour days not 10 and 8s. His over time check will be more than his base pay for the week if they do that. When they go to this next job they may even get another raise because it will be a government job not a normal work site and they have different pay rating and they want it done by New years so they will probably be working over time on it as well.

I just don’t understand how someone can be that way and when it comes to their own blood vs friend or married in. So fucked up. Everyone says is it your mom or his? What why is she that way? Because she more worried bout her self than anyone else and like him if he don’t help then my time will run out I won’t be able to keep doing it on my own and I will have to come live with her. Like she has begged me to since I left two and half years ago. She was saying the other day when I had pluming problems I said if pipe broke under house they may say I have to move they not fixing it or can’t right now I have to move. She said oh they probably won’t they be stupid to and let it sit over that. Then she stopped said they might oh well just pack your stuff and come over here. I don’t know why you don’t anyway. I said I don’t want to live there everyone on top of everyone no room can’t have our stuff and everything. I like my house and want to stay here. If it broke I guess I tell them I can stay with a friend why they fix it if they can do it quickly in a week or two. She said something about coming there and just for a short time. I said don’t worry I’m not I have places to go. She started I said got to go take care of kids they fighting and hung up.

She just started again about they are going to make you do split custody with no child support. They make everyone now, they did so and so, they making everyone do it that way so they don’t have to deal with child support cases. I said no they did so and so that way because they could not agree on anything. She don’t know I talk to this persons mother and she told me all about it, the night that me and her sat in the hospital all night waiting on my sister to have her baby while my mom went home until it was time to push the next day sometime. I didn’t ask her she just told me. He don’t want them all the time or every other week. He has said it many many time over the years he can’t handle them everyone else has said it and knows it. She has said it and knows it. Like now what he going to do take them pay her to watch them or someone else because she can’t get them to and from school while I am right here and can be doing it until I go back to work? Or am I supposed to do all that when it is his time to have them and he is supposed to be so he don’t have to pay a sitter. Then he drops them here picks them up after dinner time takes them home baths them puts them to bed gets them up bring them here. He isn’t going to do it, he find excuse after excuse to not come get them after work to just leave them. I be doing it all and he be doing nothing to help with them.

As for moving he done said he isn’t going to file papers to say I can’t leave or make me come back because the kids need to get out of here. If we move the odds are he will be driving our stuff up there I will have paperwork stating where we are moving to all the info and him agreeing to it if I don’t go to court and have it notarized. How is it going to look on him if he comes home and goes to court and files to try and make me come back here. The judge is going to say you knew she was going you drove their stuff there and dropped them off and signed papers saying where she is that she can go and all this then come home and try to file? Either way if I file or I don’t my mom will be in his ear talking shit, and when I say when because I know it will, why I am trying to get school done by next December and then file so I can move next April. But like I said she will have her say in it to him and try to tell him not to let me go. If she does she won’t see them again and I will not answer my phone to her or help her again ever.


{July 16, 2016}   Date Update

I went straight to the courthouse and filed the paper they wanted and delivered one to the judge the other day as soon as I got the court date. I think took the girls to the dentist since they are right next door to each other. Just before we walked out of the dentist office I got a call, I wasn’t sure who it was and couldn’t answer. We got outside I checked my voice mail it was the JA for the  magistrate hearing my case. She said that the magistrate had looked it over and wanted us both in court on the 29th. She didn’t say why, just that we both had to be there.

Then Father of The Year called me and said that he got a new job, he only been at his other job about two weeks if that. He stayed home “sick” that day. He said a company had called him that he applied to before when he applied the place he been working. He had my Big Boy with him but went in and filled out the application. They hired him on the spot to start work the next day. He is making twice what he was making with the place he just started. Thursday was his first day and he worked a 10 hour day. He said for right now at least the next two or three weeks he will work 4 ten hour days and 2 eight hour days. Friday and Saturday alone he will make close to to $400. Almost half of what he will make the other 4 days. They won’t count over time but they will re-figure his support biased on his 40 hours a week at the new rate of pay.

He said when he called to tell me we will just figure out the amount I am supposed to pay you and I will pay you the difference it don’t have to go through the court. I was like okay and just let it go. He can bet he has to be there anyway I am going to let them know that he is making twice what he was when he filled that paper out. If I don’t he is only going to give me what it says he has to give me and I will have to go back through all this to get it changed. Plus he say the lesser amount is all he can make and what he normally makes if anything ever happens and it has to go back to court or he decides to lose this one and take one paying less to try and get it lowered. They will say nope this is the type of work you done for years and have been doing for this long and you were making close to the same at the last job you had before this one that pays nothing. That was a fill in until you could get something else we know what kind of money you are use to making and can make and you need to find something else making that or close to it not something making half what you are use to making. Plus he does not buy them or do anything for them outside of what he give me. If they ask him for a pair of shoes, clothes or anything he tells them he don’t have it. Sends them home to ask me or calls me and tells me they need this or that do I have money to give them for it. I tell him I will take them when they come home to get what they need. I am not handing my money over to him to look like he is Mr. Wonderful doing all this, when he only does what he is forced to do. Just like not wanting to have them take it staight from his check, I told him not going to happen they can take it from his check every week because if I don’t if he decides he wants to go out, buy new shoes, tv or takes off because he is “sick” and misses a day or two of pay he then don’t pay me. I have to wait and just have to understand because he has bills that need paid and needs things, he is short and don’t have what he owes his kids. Funny how everything gets taken care of off the top and if he has any left is what his kids get. Not his kids come off the top and what is left is what everyone else gets. Like it should be. Then he don’t catch it up or make it up, no he just skips it and starts paying again when he feels like it. Don’t work that way he is going to find out.

I am just wondering what they want him there for. I am really not sure not even a guy feeling about it. There are a few different things it could be but I don’t feel oh it’s probably this one over that one. I hope they do not want a paternity test. I can’t afford one right now I do not have it. Me and Father of The Year was talking about it earlier and I said that to him. He says I guess I will just have to pay for her too. I said no I guess you will just pay for the test and get it over with once and for all. Because if he hadn’t stop the divorce it would have been over before I ever even got pregnant. He said I guess I will have to pay for the test then. If he works all the over time like he says the next three weeks he will have over $3000 so he can afford to pay it. He tried to tell me the other day he wasn’t going to have money and stuff how broke he was going to be when we were talking about him making more. I broke it all down for him from what he owes out to others to his half of the bills at his house his half of the rent he is behind and next months coming up, paying the car insurance for the next two months and paying me back the money he owes me. He will still have over a grand left to bank and more checks every week coming in. They may not have the over time on them but they will still be for a good amount. One check a month will pay his part of the rent and his half of the bills and give him some left over. He just don’t budget and spends on whatever he wants first or here and there in the little stores and out eating. Between two checks out of the month he will make enough to cover his bills and child support and have some left to cover his gas probably. Then he will have two more checks every month and some months three that he has to pay nothing out of. But he sits and tells me I need to pay all this stuff and I’m not going to have any money left over by the time I do. He does not know how to budget. He never did he get his check and have it pissed away in a few days if i didn’t bank it and pay bills put it in savings for other bills rent and things.

If I was making what he is in a month I wouldn’t need support from him, RC or any kind of help. I could live pretty good and we would have the things we needed. I just don’t have the luck of finding jobs that pay like that.

{July 13, 2016}   Childcare Maybe

Today I was at my sisters looking at trucks online and trying to help her find a decent one. She is 24 just got her license and has never car shopped and knows nothing about what to look for to decide if it is running good and things. She found a few she liked that needed some work she was asking what it would cost to fix, how hard it was or if it said something had been how would she know if it was right or just patched thrown together. I was telling her for what she was looking at what was normal known problems but fixable and not cheap fixes a few hundred compared to what would be in the thousands to fix.

I got a phone call I didn’t know the number but it seem like an office or business number. I let it go to voicemail checked it, I didn’t want to get stuck on the phone when I needed to leave in a few minutes. I was trying to finish helping her. It was the people at the childcare place saying funding had come up for my Little Bitty that I needed to come by and get a packet of paperwork to fill out and get it turned it. She said I had 10 days to get it all back to her. Now they want something filled out from the school and I am calling them and they say they can only give them this term and it is going to be over in a couple weeks. If I knew I was going to have childcare I could go ahead and set up fall classes, but I can’t do 4 classes or more like I need to do if I don’t get the childcare. I am having a hard time keeping up and now that she is older and I need to be right on her more. I am going to still sign up and take it show them my load for next term. I hope they let me have it and then just get new paper from the college after next term.

They also want to know all the kids in my house and any parent that is not in the home, how much child support they pay, if they don’t why and if I have been to child support enforcement, why or why not and what they are doing t help me.

I have been to them they refuse to help me with my Little Bitty until I get a divorce. I have not went for my other three because father of the year was here until last year and then he wasn’t making anything and I was trying to get everything back in court I didn’t want a bunch of different cases and have that hold things up. If I had time to go take care of that then I could just as easily file the divorce instead. I just had to get everything together to do it all. Now it is done so I am sure they will want something in a few weeks when that is done as well.

I did get the letter in the mail today from the Magistrate office and it is saying I may need to wait ten days before I can get a court date with them. It says that me or him has the right to with in ten days refuse to go in front of them and have it sent to the judge to hear. I don’t care who hears it and neither dose he we just want it done. I am going to call them tomorrow tell her that I have talked to him he does not even want to come to court and does not care who hears it and see if I can get a date. It also says I need to have him served with a notice of hearing. But he has waived all that so I shouldn’t have to do that. But I have to find out and find out if he has to come since they are hearing it. I am sure they will want information about all that when it is done and then start going after the other one for support for Little Bitty.

I really need this and hope they don’t turn me down. I have things I need to do for school that I can’t take her with me to do. I need to do research for two papers that are do this week and next and have no one to watch her. I had three interviews that I need to do this term I have not done two I still got to get them done. I did one over the internet but I am supposed be in person. I can’t take her and go sit here, don’t get up, speak or do anything for an hour or so. I don’t take her to the library and do research for my papers. What am I going to say hey come here let me turn your switch off for a while? Oh that’s right you don’t have one. Not this term but the next I have to do work study so I will be working most days and not getting paid for it so I can’t do that when I can’t pay daycare and I can’t work, go to school and go work for free. I couldn’t cover daycare wise to do both.

I hope they are use to dealing with this and understand and this is quick and as painless as passable. Because we know it won’t be 100% painless. Some of the classes I wanted to take next term are not on line that term so I would need to go to the school a day or two a week to take them as well. She is excited she says I want to go to school and play with kids. I am going to call her tomorrow and talk to her.

I finally got it, I got a court date this morning, I will be going to court July 29 at 10:30 am. They said there is a 15 day wait to get a date once it had been sent to them in case me, father of the year or they want to have the case sent back to the judge. My paperwork says 10 but whatever whats five more days when I have waited this long right?

They are making me file a notice of appearance, I have to make sure he gets one and they get one. I have to go down that way today since the girls go to the dentist right next to there anyway. I am going to go there first file it and take one upstairs and drop it off at their court room. I told her he is right here he isn’t even coming for the date she said it still has to be done or they won’t hear it. I never filed one last time either just told him show up.

Then I get a call back in a few minutes and I’m glad I answered because it was the lady from the courthouse. She was telling me I filed the answer and wavier not him. I know for sure he did and I did not. She said that he was the petitioner I was the respondent. I said no I am the the petitioner and he is the respondent, I am the one who filed all the first paperwork and I am the one who filed the new paperwork to get this all taken care of. She says it is showing here he is the one that is filing and asking for everything. She said the paperwork we got was wrong. I am thinking no it is not I filled all this out I made sure who to put where I didn’t want something like that to happen. I told her I seen it was that way on the letter but it was wrong. She looked into it more and said yes she seen where I am the petitioner I guess that the judges office didn’t look at anything and just sent the letters out with all the wrong information on them. She ask if the paperwork was correct that I wanted my maiden name back I told her yes. She ask how to spell it and everything. She was really nice not like the judges JA and their help. She takes the time to explain things and makes sure everything is right.

I wanted to ask her about my Little Bitty and if I needed anything special for that but I didn’t want her to find a reason to stop it. I guess I will ask when I get there so that I can talk to them about it more than what I could on the phone. I just need them to put in the final judgement that she is not his child. This way when I try to get child support they do not make me go after Father of The Year first. They said they couldn’t do anything until I was divorced and it said she wasn’t his, then they would go after RC. I am really not worried about it but like child care and wants to know all about it so if I don’t go they probably won’t help me. I guess if they don’t put it in there then worse case if or when I have to go they will call Father of The Year in and they will have to do a test to see. When it comes back no then they will have to go after who I tell them. But I am telling them I don’t have the money to pay for test so if they want Father of The Year tested they  are going to have to pay for it. Once they call RC in if he wants to fight it then he can pay for it.

I do not need a test on any of my children I know with out a doubt who each of their fathers are. The older three are Father of The Year and Little Bitty is RC’s. If they make father of the year pay for the test then that is just to bad, if he had not stopped the divorce to start with and had fixed it like he was supposed to then we would not have been married when I got pregnant with her much less had her. So if it cost him I guess it will be a small price to pay compared to paying for a child that isn’t yours for 18 years.

I wonder if they will make RC pay back support since I have told them from the time she was a few weeks old that she was his gave them all his information? I wonder if they can’t if I could make them since the refused to go after him to start with? I could really use that since I have paid everything myself the last three and a half years. I like to just forget it and not even go after him at all. But then part of me says why should I when he wanted a baby so bad and wanted her so bad then done what he did. Why should we sit here and just get by or what and not ask him to do his part? Things are tight but we make it but who’s to say that we are going to keep getting by if something happens even small we could end up homeless again. Even if it is just a few dollars that they make him give me that few could be the difference in staying or going if something happens. It could buy other things she needs instead of her having to wait until I have the little extra to put out to get them. I am going to have to think about this. Even if I get nothing for back it may be worth it to still get it.

I am just so tired fighting and running around and having to make all these people happy and jump through their hoops t get stuff done. Look at everything to get the divorce done, now a second application and more paperwork to turn in to get help with childcare and turn in the same papers in again. If I get the divorce and childcare stuff done I should be done with all the outside hoop jumping and things. I should then just be able to focused on my schooling and the kids and having enjoying life. Not always stressing if everyone has what they need or running around trying to get everything everyone wants and get it all turned in on time. Things will be a different kind of crazy and stress easier to handle stress.

But then if I go start everything to go after him I am going to have that to deal with and I don’t know if I am up to that right now or not.

et cetera

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