A Single Parents Life











{September 24, 2016}   No Show Father of the Year

Father of the Year is supposed to have the kids tomorrow, it is 12:08 am and he has not shown yet. I have text and ask him and he says he is busy he will be here when he is done. I have to be at training by 9 am and have no clue if I even have a sitter. He is supposed to have them every other weekend and come see them take them for a little while during the week one day. He has yet to have them at all for any over night stays or even take them to his house yet since the divorce was granted the first week of August. His everything is based off of if he has them over nights how many and all that.

He is also supposed to let me know so many days ahead of time if he is not taking them on his days or times, if he is going to be late or anything like that. If I have other things to do he is supposed to make arrangements for a baby sitter. He has never once told me he wasn’t coming or asked if I had things to do or asked if he needed to find a sitter. I am so keeping track of it all so that when I get ready to move out of state and go to court and to get the paperwork saying I can he can’t fight it. I am going to have a placed picked I am going to show them the cost of living what I would be making what I will be paying out, how much better the schools are, how much lower the crime rate is and all that as well. He says he isn’t going to fight me and we can go but I am going to have it all ready in case he tries to because we all know how he is and how he is when others get in his ear and starts shit. When he says he wants to keep being able to see the kids like he does now and don’t want to go to long without seeing them I can pull the sheet out and go you mean all these times that you see them? Oh wait you missed this time, this time, that whole month, this month here so what times have or do you see them when they are right here?

I am just so aggervated I told him the other day I needed him to take them this weekend so I could finish my training and get someone to come over and help me do some things here. He got all bent out of shape over that. He wanted to know who I was having come over and all that. I said it isn’t really any of your business and I don’t know who but whoever I can find that will help me get things I need done and can move stuff and do the stuff I can’t. I don’t need the kids here in the way why we are trying to get it all done and taking up more of their time than needs to be. Who are you seeing? Why won’t you tell me? On and on about it. I told him again not that it is any of his business or did I have to tell him but I wasn’t seeing anyone but if that made him feel better thinking I did then by all means go right ahead.

He started about he had a right to know because of the kids and I had to tell him who was going to be around his kids and he wanted to meet them. I said no I don’t have to tell you anything or let you meet anyone regardless of the kids number one. Number two there isn’t anyone around the kids so I don’t need to tell you anything even if I had to tell you because of the kids. Well it don’t matter if your seeing someone then I need to know because they will be at some point and you will have them around them. I said again no you don’t no where does it say that I have to tell you who I talk to, date, friend, boyfriend, girlfriend wise or anything else. And no they are not going to meet the kids or be around the kids because I am not like you and use them to go meet any random person I meet on line at one of these dating sites or worse craigslist. I said you meet these people talk to them a couple times on there have no clue who they are who you are going to meet know nothing about them and then go lets take the kids and meet here or there. I don’t do that shit. I do not want to meet anyone on line and not from craigslist that’s for dam sure.

He tried to keep on about it I just said look I am not talking about this anymore, I do not bring random people I know nothing about around my kids. I do not consider myself dating someone that I have talk to a few times and seen a couple times and then there for feel it is ok to bring them around my kids. I don’t just go hook up with any Joe that talks to me because someone else might not like you do so you do not have to worry about me bringing anyone around the kids. But why you are so bent out of shape and worried about it lets get something straight you need to knock the shit off and not be taking them to meet all these random people that you meet and talk to from all over the place. I said you hound me about it then turn around and do just what you are acussing me of. I said you must be planing or taking them and meeting someone or think that you may soon or you wouldn’t be hounding me and making such a big deal out of what I do who I talk to or who I have around. I said I always know what you are doing because you start accusing me of doing whatever it is that you have done or plan to do. To make yourself feel better about doing it or to try and justify it and make it ok because you know it isn’t and are feeling guilty. So if you can convince yourself that I am then you can justify it to yourself and make it ok by saying well she did it so then it is ok if I do. I said that isn’t going to fly because I’m not doing a fucking thing. If I was and you are throwing such a fit about it being so wrong then you shouldn’t use it to make you doing it feel ok about yourself either.

Then he starts stumbling all over himself well I’m not talking to anyone right now either. I didn’t say not to bring them around the kids I don’t care if you do I just want to know who they are and meet them if they are coming around. I said well then I want to meet anyone you bring around the kids and I want to meet them before you bring them around my kids. I don’t want to meet just the one you want me to meet I want to meet every one that you plan on the kids meeting before they meet her. He just looked at me with that stupid ass how do I get out of this one look on his face. I said well if you want to impose rules that aren’t written anywhere then I am going to have some of my own. Well I don’t think you need to meet all of them. I said well they want to be around my kids then I do. He just shut up and went on.

He wants to try and play these games and come up with all this stupid shit he better know who he is playing with because I can turn it on him and make it hell so fast his head will spin and he knows that so I don’t even know why he tires. He knows that I am not going to sit here and just be like oh ok I’ll make sure I do all that and let you know. Besides he should know I have no problem letting him meet who I am talking to. Shit when I started talking to RC we weren’t even dating we were just talking I brought him right to the dam house brought him straight inside and said this is so and so he came to help me move this table and take it to so and so’s house. He has a truck it is easier to put it in there. We loaded the table and left. Well know the two of them loaded it and we left. I went to help him and I guess Father of the Year didn’t want to look like more of an ass than he is and offered to help him. He was there picking up the kids to watch them because me and him were talking the table down there. I truly have nothing to hide and have no reason to not let him meet him when I am ready. Because like I said before I am not going to be bringing anyone around the kids unless we are dating and have been for a while. And as far as I’m concerned no one else needs to know anything until I decide to bring them around the kids and let them meet them. The kids don’t need to know and want to know why they can’t meet them or worried about meeting them and what is or isn’t going to happen or what might happen. Why does everyone else need to know before the kids anyway it is mine and their life that it is going to effect not anyone else.

But like I said before anyone that is breathing and speaks to him he will bring over and if it is a different one the next day next week or month he will bring them around too. So maybe now he will think twice about bringing them around if he thinks I am going to really want to meet everyone before they meet the kids. I told him don’t try to lie to me because if he does I will show up to check and see. That I know how he was setting up to meet these girls at the park and planing to take the kids and not tell me. When I started telling when and what parks he didn’t know what to say. I said and don’t think the kids won’t tell me either because they will. He said what am I supposed to say oh I know it’s only the first or second time we are meeting but by the way my ex wife is coming too she wants to meet you, or oh can you meet me over at such and such because my ex wants to meet you? What are they going to think about that?

I said I really don’t care what you tell them or what they think about it those are my kids that they want to be around. Tell them what ever you want to tell them. I said or how about this you just don’t take the kids around them the first or second time you meet them? How about wait until you see if it is even someone you are interested in and you all start dating and have been together for a while before you take the kids around them. Then you can say hey you know and she really shouldn’t mind at that point. If she has kids of her own then she should get it. Well you just don’t understand the only time I have to really meet anyone and get to know them and hang out is when I have the kids too because I have to work and things. The only free time I have I have the kids. I said wait excuse me it’s so hard for you and the only free time you have is when you have the kids? I said you have every evening after work you are off by 530 and earlier if you want you can be off at 330, you can take off the weekend or one day on the weekend, and you only have them every other weekend so you have lots of free time. But it is hard for you. I said if anyone should be complaining about how hard it is and not having free time it should be me. I have two free days to myself all month. I take them every where they need to go and make sure everything is done for them. You go to work pick them up for a night maybe two go have fun do whatever you want and drop them back off for two weeks. But it is hard on you and you have no free time.

I still just don’t know how he figures all this at times.

 



{September 23, 2016}   A Day Out With The Big’s

Last night I received a call from the bigger kids school saying they would not have school today. They said that the teacher and principle of the school were both in a car accident and in the hospital. They didn’t know how they were just that they were waiting on CT sans and MRI’s. The principle just came back this week after being out for two because of neck and back surgery. They are the main two at the school so one of them have to be there for the school to be open. I am really hoping that they are both ok. I know how bad the simplest of accidents can be and then for her to have just had surgery on top of it is really bad. I don’t even know how bad the accident really was eve.

We took the little kids to school and I took my big ones out to breakfast just me and them. We never really do anything just me and them. They wanted to go to some thrift stores and things so we did that. One was next to the place where I buy my furniture and things a lot of times. I went in there to just look around.

They had the couch and love seat that is like the sectional I want but in gray not black. It didn’t have the ottoman I ask him if he could get it in black and get the ottoman to go with it he said no and he couldn’t get it in a sectional. It only comes in gray and brown. I was debating on getting the gray set but then we sat on it and I didn’t really care for it all that much. When I sat down my legs bent and I felt like I was sitting all bent in half and on the floor almost.

They have another gray set I have been looking at for about a year or so they had just started carrying it when I seen it. But it was over a $2000 set and I am not going to pay that for a set. I seen they had one it was less. We walked over and was looking at it and I started looking at the price on it. It is more than the black set I wanted by a few $100 and it was used. One person had rented it before and sent it back. It’s in nice shape still. They really hadn’t knocked that much off the price it was still at almost new price so figured they couldn’t have had it very long.

My friend came over he said don’t look at the price on the tag I can get you a deal on that one. I asked him how much of a deal since it had been rented before and it was still close to $2000. He looked at said he could give it to me for under $1000. I told him I was going to have to think about it and let him know.

I like the black set but I like this one too. I like the look of the black set I don’t know what it is about it I just like it. But I really like the one he has here because instead of the ottoman it has recliners two in the couch and two in the love seat. It isn’t a sectional, I don’t normally like Sectionals but I liked the black one. But I love the idea of the recliners vs the ottoman. It has a con soul thing in the middle of the love seat. I can sit there do my work and things without hurting like I do when I sit at the table for hours. I have wanted the set for a while. Even though it is used it is a nicer better made set than the black one even. I can get it for less than the black one and with the money I save from not buying the black one I could get the set of coffee and end tables to go with it and not spend any more than what I would have spent on just the black couch. I am not worried about it being used it is very clean they clean it good and it is in good shape. I could probably turn around sell it and get most of my money back out of it in a year. That point it only be two years old. It is is a good name brand set. The black one is not a name brand set it is just something the other company has made for their store only.

I would have until the end of January to pay it off same as cash so I am not out anymore just like the black one. I was worried about making payments on it and getting my money in time to pay it off but then I thought I am selling this couch and love seat and this bedroom set and can take all that money and put on it and that will pay it off or all but a few $100 of it off. I went back and told them to go ahead and bring it out tomorrow. I have a free month so I can work on getting this stuff sold and out of here. Then I can do it like I did my bed go pay it up until the last few months or so then just pay it off when the time comes or before even. I think I am going to call him back and ask him to add the coffee and end tables on as well. If I do that then I will have everything to set my living room up and both bedrooms up for all 4 kids. Then I can work on getting myself something for my room later and a dining room table. Really the only other things I need to have the house furniture in things that we like, wanted and picked out instead of with stuff that we just got because it was what we could afford at the time and it did the job.

I think I will like to use my living room more with this new stuff as well. Right now the couch I don’t like it isn’t comfortable, I can’t sit there long because my legs hang down or I have to put them up on the couch then it takes up room for the kids or someone to sit. I can recline. I have been wanting to watch stuff on tv lately as well so I can sit get comfortable and watch it. So it will be here tomorrow after 4.

 

 



{September 22, 2016}   Made up My Mind

I have decided that I am going to go ahead and get a decent living room set that should last me a while. I am going to try and get my bedroom set as well when I can. One room at a time, may be slow but I will at least have a nice put together house. Not just what I can find cheap at the time to fit the bill because I have nothing.

If I just buy something for now it is going to be cheap I am not going to get much of anything out of it if I sell it when I leave here. There for I am going to have a small amount to find something when I get there. I will be back at trying to find whatever that is cheap to have something. I am tired of doing that and living with whatever and being ok with it to have something. We have been here for two and a half years doing that and just starting to get stuff that we want that is decent and works. Why do I want to take the money and waste it on something that I am going to use a year or so and get nothing out of when I sell it. If I buy what I was looking at buying it probably won’t last more than a couple years and I am going to be replacing it. Plus it is not something that I really like, it is just something I am getting to make do with to have something. right now why I can squeak it out and get it I may as well get what I want that is going to last me a while and just pay the little extra to move it when I go.

This way when we get where we are going we can set a place up to move into go there and set up our new house. We will have all the big things we need and can just relax spend time exploring our new area meeting people and things like that. Instead of getting there having a empty house and having to not only find stuff for it but find our way around town and someone to help us get it home if we can’t and all that. Plus I will be out less money this way as well I think because like I said I will not be putting out money to get something now and then having to come up with money to get something later. Right now a cheap living room set that I don’t like is going to cost about $500, that is half of what a well made nice set that I really like is going to cost me. If I buy it now I may get $200 to $300 out of it. Then I am going to be back to buying another set that probably isn’t going to last long for $500 and all I have is $300 so I am going to have to put another $200 with it. Now I am $700 or more into a living room set and still probably don’t have one I really like or that is made very well. I may have more into it depending on how much I get out of the one I have now to put toward the first one. If I just keep the one I have now it is useless because I never use the living room because it is not great to sit on and it is just sitting there getting more and more used by the kids and not going to be worth much if anything by the time I move so I am going to have nothing to get one when I get there. I do not want to end up with another one like I have. So for what I will have in two I don’t really want I could have one I really want. So that is what I am going to do. I will take all I make off the one I have now and put down on the new one when it comes that should make my payment for a few months until I get some money again. Then I can pay it off. I still have this other furniture I can sell and will probably just put that with it and pay it off or close to off and not be out a bunch of money. It seems like the the best option when I really look at them and what is out there and what I am going to spend.

I hadn’t really looked into all the options, pros and cons just knew what was out there. But now I am ready to decide and have a couch picked that I want and one that I will get if I went the other way. I was going to go check on the one I had picked to get by with until I was talking to a friend and I really got to thinking about it I was like this is crazy and going to spend the same money and still have just whatever. I decided I should just get what I want. So my goal is to get my stuff sold tomorrow or Sunday and get my couch ordered. I have to even see if my store a few blocks away will order it or if I have to go to the other store by where I use to live with RC to get it. I had this same sectional before and it was from the store by me, they told me they were going to stop carrying it those were the last two they could get. But when I called the place that makes them they said that I could only get them from that store. I called the one that I use to deal with and they said they would order it. If I order it by Monday it will be here with in a week. If I order it after that it will be two weeks or something like that.

I really hope I like it as much as I did when I had it in the past. It’s just kind of a simple black corduroy type cushions and then the leather or leather like bottom and sides, it has a big ottoman that goes with it.



{September 22, 2016}   Blind Disaster

I have three windows in my living room all side by side making it one large window to cover when it comes to blinds. I have about a dozen windows in this house and none of them came with blinds, so when I moved in I had to go cheap and I got the little $5 blinds and put up on the ones I got blinds form. Mostly the living room, bedrooms and bathrooms. The back room we never use and it still has whatever hanging over them and the kitchen I got curtains because they were cheaper.

I am sure you have had your go around with cheap blinds and know how they are and how they look over all. I have to say two are doing pretty well after almost three years, but the other on this window was looking pretty ruff. It is the side that is not covered by the couch and the dogs and kids go to and look out all the time. Of course it is going to look ruff. I wanted to get the ones that have the wood or fake wood nicer wide slats that do not twist and mess up so easy when I got my money but I have been paying bills and getting the kids things they need and just haven’t been able to get them. Well the other day me and a friend went to the thrift stores and I seen three in a corner by checkout. I asked the lady how much they were and she said $5 each and then she told me there was another in the back. I went to look there were three more. I knew they were bigger than what I have up there but it looked like two would cover it instead of using three. I bought all 5 figuring I could put one in the girls room and maybe in the boys rooms as well. I could maybe hang one over these french doors in the back. I have no idea why they put french doors up instead of a sliding door or a normal door or no door. There is another door that goes outside out of that room as well. But if that door wasn’t there you could’t get to the back yard from inside the house. But then why the door on the other end of the room? Who knows but that is besides the point. I figured I could sell them for $5 with no problem if I couldn’t use them. I have one in my room that is messed up I could replace too. But 5 for that price when I could use them was great.

I bought them three days ago. I asked farther of the year to come over for a hour or less and hang them that night. He had an excuse, I asked him to come after work and hang them yesterday and he had an excuse. It was he could come today but I knew he wouldn’t it will be whenever he gets to it and probably never. I figured he is supposed to come get the kids or see them anyway he could stick them up there I wouldn’t have to pay someone. He said he had told the kids he would. We had been talking about them and was talking about putting them up they said their dad could do it. I told them I get someone or do it they said he can he put them up and has a drill blah blah. They asked him when he came over.

Well yesterday I got agervated and I had to go to the store anyway so I went and bought a drill, drill bits and a tape measure. I got home and reliased that I had gotten the wrong bits. I knew the ones I needed and had them in my hand and got the others. I went to my friends house down the street and asked her husband to borrow the ones I needed and he gave me a box full. Well I kept thinking something was still missing but couldn’t figure out what. I knew something just didn’t seem right. I went to put the bits in and they would not fit. They were way to small. I called my other friend and was talking to her and her husband and they were just no help. He uses this stuff all the day he works on cars and machines for a living. They kept saying everything was there. I sent them a picture of what I had but they could’t figure out why the bits weren’t working. I took down some of the old brackets down by hand then got really aggervated because I have this drill and it should take a few minutes. I called another friend and ask him. He says did you turn the chuck? I was like what? He said did you turn the end of the drill to make it bigger or smaller to hold the bits? Guess what it worked. That was what I was missing, because I swear my grandpa’s drill had a thing you had to put on it then put the bit in and turn to make it work. Maybe I am wrong it has been forever since I used it but I don’t think it worked like mine. I am sure it did’t because I remember him talking about the different chucks or losing the chuck. Any way I get it to work and then it would only take out some of the screws because it is’t a clear shot to them you have to reach through the bracket and it won’t fit in some of them an others if has to be started with a screwdriver before it will reach it at all then finished with a screwdriver so no point in using the drill.

I finally get the 6 brackets and three hangers from the old blinds down and get ready to put up the new brackets. I tried to put the first one up the holes don’t match from the old one so I need new ones and the holes in the new brackets are way bigger than the screw heads. No problem it has holes on the side I can screw it into the side of the window frame and it will work the same way and be easier because I can get to it easier and it isn’t over my head like the rest win all around it should be in in less than 5 minutes. WRONG, I start the first hole and get it started take the drill and try to finish it off and it gets half way in and stops. It will not come out and it is not going in any farther. I am drilling the hell out of it and it isn’t moving. I reach up and touch it and burn the shit out of my fingers, it felt like I grabbed a hot brander or something. I am shocked I do not have blisters today.

I move on and decide to start on the other side. I can figure out how to get it out later or cut it off and get it out of the way. I go to hang the first bracket and one hole lines up but the other don’t. I take the bracket and drill another hole so that it lines up with the holes already there. It goes up pretty easy. I go to put the second one up and I get two holes for it and finally get it up. All by hand because the drill it useless with these brackets. I get to the third and there are no holes because there wasn’t a bracket there before. I drill out the first hole it works. I go not even a inch from it and try to drill out a hole and it will not go in past the tip of the screw. I do it by hand I use the drill I try everything it is not working. Ok find I will modify the bracket and move the hole no big deal. I did it to the first and it is up and doing good only took a few minutes. I take it outside and sit down on the porch and drill the hell out of it for ever and nothing is happening. There is a tiny spot that is it. I drill some more and nothing. I figure out the drill is on wrong so I turn it the other way and try to drill it again. This time no sooner than I touched the bracket the bit flew through it threw the bracket and kicked almost drilling my leg and breaking my bit that I need if I need to drill anymore out to get them to work. But that one is done lets just get it in. Nope it won’t go in. Finally the third bracket is up all I need to do is get the screw out of the wall and put the last one up. It has only been two or three hours to get the right tools fight the old ones down and the new ones up. This shouldn’t take more than 30 minutes since I have to get the screw out of the wall and I think I know how to make the bigger holes work with the screws I have. I have my oldest help me pick the blind up to get it into the bracket so I can mark off where to put the last bracket so it will work. The fucking blind is sticking over the edge of the wall!!!!

I don’t know what I did wrong how I screwed up that much because I measured the blinds and the window before I started. I made sure they would both work there. The first bracket is all the way against the wall so there is not gap or room taken up. I guess it is the size of the brackets or I was off some how on the measurements. I had the kids helping me hold everything and mark everything because I am working over my head trying to hold this stuff in place and get it right on the marks. I was so mad I just left it all and we went to bed. The couch is still pulled from the widow the blinds are still laying all over in the living room including behind the couch where we left it when it wouldn’t work. Everyone who looks at my house can look all through and see from the living room straight through the dining room and where we all are most the time. They see our computers, tv, guns everything. It was so much for me to try and put the old brackets up and the old blinds after I went through all that to get them up there and spend hours.

I went to bed and just cried my back and neck were hurting so bad from standing there reaching up over my head all that time to do all that holding the drill up there to do what needed to be done and then all the turning and turning by hand to get everything in and out. I got up this morning to take the kids to school my hands, wrist and arms hurt I could hardly drive. They hurt just to turn grip the steering wheel and drive then my neck and back it hurts to turn around to see behind and around me. My arms hurt from my hands half way to my elbow. I hate being this way I use to do all this kind of stuff and anything I wanted and not hurt. Since I was in that accident about 7 or 8 years ago that messed me up it sucks. It kills me to do it but I still do it because it needs to be done and I hate to ask anyone and don’t really have anyone to ask.

My friend kept saying why didn’t I ask her husband to come do it. Her husband works 12 to 15 hour days and they were leaving for a trip at 3 am this morning. He worked yesterday before they left. I wasn’t going to ask him to drive all the way over here to put these up for me. My other fried I was talking to he works and then has his wife and 4 kids to go take care of. I asked earlier if there was anyone who wanted to come help me for an hour or so today. One person asked doing what and when I said I heard nothing back. I am not sure how much of a help he would really be either or how much he knows about doing that kind of thing. But even I can’t do that or not something just no response.

I don’t know what I am going to do now I am sitting here watching everyone watch my as they go by. I guess I need to get off of here and figure out how to fix this mess and get some blinds up there. Putting the old ones back up is not an option at this point. I know that these will work if I had the help to get everything up in place and marked out better and holes to go in.

Right now I think I will go eat because I just thought the kids ate dinner why I was doing this and I never ate anything last night and haven’t yet today. I was to tired upset and hurting to even think about eating or anything else.



{September 20, 2016}   In a Hurry

 

 

Not thrilled about the video its self but it is pretty fitting. I have always liked this song since I was little. But I really do feel like this train in the video flying down the track to get things done even when I do not have to. I never feel like I should just sit still if I am awake I feel like I have to always be going or doing something. If nothing more but sitting her at the table with my laptop playing a game. I have to be doing something. Most time I am sitting here doing school work, but when it comes to other stuff I have to get it done now not drag it out or let it drag out and take forever.

Just like going to school I could take fewer classes and take the two years to finish it. But I feel like why do that if I can take this many classes at a time and finish it in this amount of time? Why drag it out and take two years when I can have it done in one or one and a half? One reason I never went before because I didn’t want to take forever to finish. Massage thing I did only took 7 months no problem going and signing up for that.

This training I started over the weekend for the Guardian Ad Litem thing it is only 30 hours they gave us about 8 hours to do at home, we did this past Saturday in class and have one to do next week, then court and field training. I feel like it is being drug out and taking to long to get done. I just want to be done with it and starting.

It’s everything I go to do or need to do, I just want to get it done and over with as fast as possible. It is not like I even have other things that I need to do or want to do. I may have other things to do but I have time to do them, I am not trying to hurry to get to them and get them done.

I have the kids in school so that I can do my school work and get things done why they are there. I don’t get any of my school work done until they go to bed at night or after dinner at lest at night. Most nights I am sitting her at the time Saturday and Sunday rushing to get it done and turned in by 11:59 pm Sunday and 7 am Monday. But right now I have three A’s and a B out of my five classes.

My fifth class I am not doing very good in at all. Well I was doing ok in it but I am having a hard time doing the work the way he wants the writing done. I had decided to drop it and either take it with a different teacher or even take it in class another term. Since I had decided that I didn’t do any work in that class for two weeks while I was waiting to make it to the school and drop it. Then the other day I didn’t go because it was pouring so hard I could hardly see my truck sitting in my driveway. Then later I was thinking about my classes and how many more I needed to take and what it would mean if I dropped this one and all that kind of thing, I decided to just keep it and try to finish it so that I w do not have to worry about taking it again in a few months and I don’t have to pay to take it again and pay to get the book again. I think that even missing the work I have I can still get at least a C in the class. He gives a mid =term then a retake or second midterm so that gives me room to make extra points where most classes are not like that.

I think I just got scared that it was wanting things that I wasn’t sure about and not good at that I was going to end up spending way to much time trying to get through the class that my other classes were going to start to suffer from it. I seen my self starting to stress over getting the work for that class done and getting it just right and taking way to much time on it compared to my other classes. I did that last term and all my classes end up suffering over it. I didn’t want that to happen here so I figured maybe dropping it would be best. I just decided that I will do the work I will do it the best I can but I will not spend so much time on it my other classes suffer. If it comes down to that class or another than the other class comes first and I will get to that one when I am done with the other class.

You would think sitting down Sunday afternoon to get 10 to 12 assignments done would stress me out and cause a lot of problems. But it really don’t. The one class I was going to drop is due Friday at 8 pm. Such a wonderful time and on a great day. The work for it is not included in the 10-12, most of these but two are due Sunday by 11:59 pm. I find I work much better and get it done much easier waiting until Sunday and sitting down doing it all in one shot then working on it through the week why the kids are at school. It is almost impossible for me to work on it in the day time. I feel more rushed and like I should be doing other stuff. I sit down at night to work on it and I may work on my class that’s due Friday but that is about it and I get part of the way through it that is it. I would think I wouldn’t get that great of a grade doing it all that fast in that short amount of time but like I said I have three A’s and a B.

When I sit down Sunday I feel a little rush but not a lot. My mind says oh no you only have this long it watches every hour tick off the clock, sometimes every minute. I will play other things and do other things than my work a lot of times then go back and crack down on my work. But I feel ready I feel like it’s the time to do it and I can work right through it once I get myself started. Most the week I sit here forever at night just goofing off with other stuff or I will look through it all and at other stuff but never really can make myself sit and do it.

It helps they are in school it lets me get all the other things I need to do done and it lets me sleep the nights I do sit here all night working on stuff. But it would be nice to get it done in the day why they are not here and have Sunday to spend with them.

 

 



{September 18, 2016}   Guardian Ad Litem

I have done my fingerprints and started my training to be come a Gaurdian Ad Litem here in my area. I did my first day of in class training yesterday and will do one more day next Saturday. I had some at home stuff to do and then will do court observation and field training with someone who has been there for a while or the person over me.

I wanted to do this before but with being a stay at home mom I just didn’t have someone to watch the kids and things why I went to do it. Now that they are all in school I can do it why they are at school. It also will give me extra credit for some of my classes at school if I do 20 hours a semester. I know I have one maybe two that are offering extra credit right now but always have at least one each term. Plus I found out that there is some kind of thing at the school that they offer if you do so many hours aside from what is offered in the class.

They say this will give me 8-12 hours a month. I have to go see the child or children at least once a month but can go more often if I would like and have time. I can pick up extra hours that way or take a case that has more than one child to see every month. We also get credit for the time spent driving and there and they said sometimes your there a while. The foster parents want to talk to you and tell you everything that is going on or the children are just happy to see you and talk and talk to you.

We also need to get with teachers, doctors and others that deal with the child and talk with them, as well as go to the visitation the child has with the parents and other children in the family if they are not housed together. every 6 months or so we go to court as well.

After 6 months we are allowed to transport them so we can take them to the park or to get a drink something like that. We are allowed to take them to events in the area and they will give us tickets to take them places too. I just have to see if I am allowed to take them along with my children or if it can only be them and me. I don’t mind not taking any other adults with me that is fine. I just don’t want to do all this stuff with them and not be able to take mine because then I would have to leave mine somewhere in order to take them and then take mine another time and that would take up a lot of time.

It will also all depend on how the child is as to taking them out and doing things with them or wanting to have them around my kids. I know that it is not these kids faults they have been through a lot but I may not be able to have them around eve if we are allowed too.

It seems like a very rewarding but also hard to do thing at times. She said most cases end up with the kids going home but some do end up with going to court to terminate the parents rights and finding adoptive families for them. She said and then there are the older kids who do not want to be adopted out either. They would rather age out so that they get the free college and other things that are offered to them once they do age out. It makes it a little easier on them sometimes to not be in order to get the services.

Now I have to decide what kind of case I want, where at and what age range I want the child to be. I told them I would do close around my house and north of me and they said they had a big need for children in the north area of our county so I know that that is probably where I will take a case from. I want to work with older kids once I get out of school and would like to work with them now, but I just don’ t know if I am ready for that right now just starting out. She said everyone wants to work with the babies I would love to work with the babies but I know that older kids really need someone because most do want to work with babies. I was thinking maybe in the 2 to 3 range but keep going back to the older kids maybe 10 to 13 age. Then maybe take on a “teen’ when I can take on a second case.

We also get to look at each case an why the child was taken out of the home, who they are living with and things like that to help pick. She said if anyone wanted to work with sexual assault children we have to take extra training classes to be able to do that. I don’t know if I want to do that or not it would bother me what happen to them it would really get to me with the little ones. Not just the little ones the older ones too but you know what I mean I am sure. It just makes me mad anyone would do that at all to anyone. But I would do the training and take cases if they have a shortage of people and need people. I probably will do it down the road but I don’t think I want to take on more training right now and do it. I know what I can handle right now and i don’t think I can talk on anymore training or a case like that.

I was shocked she said they take 1 to 5 new cases every day of kids being sheltered and needing someone. She said they took in 30 new cases last week alone. She said that they have about 300 guardian’s right now and close to 1000 kids in our area that need someone. There were about 17 of us in the training class. They say we can only take on 1 case for the first 6 months but if we are able to do it and the cases aren’t to much then sometimes we can take another. It just depends if they feel it is going to to be more involved or how well you do I guess.

I hope it is a good as they are saying and that they really do the things they say they do and help the kids like they say. I don’t want to get in there and everyone just does what they have to do to get by and ignore everything like a lot of places that work with foster kids. If it is I won’t be staying I don’t care if they did pay for my background check and I said I would do this for a year or so. If they are not truly looking out for the best interest of the child and making sure they get the services and things they need then they are not doing what I was told. I think they are because I know someone else who works with them and they have for years and does a lot to help get people in and to raise money for them I don’t think he would work so hard to do it all if they didn’t he is like me he wants to really help and make a difference.

I just want to get started the training is so boring and common since stuff and stuff I already know from my classes at school. I also have to go get clothes to wear to court because although we don’t go to often I still have to dress for court. There idea of dressed for court is different than mine so……….

 



{September 18, 2016}   4-H

The older three kids have joined 4-H. It started last Sunday with dog club. The two older ones are working with out dogs and my Little Guy is working with a dog they let him borrow. I was surprised they had a bunch of people who came just to let the kids borrow their dogs to learn with. It is good for him because the dog has, had some training unlike ours who haven’t.

I wasn’t sure my Big Boy would get to do it or not because I didn’t know how our younger dog was going to act out there. But she was very good compared to what I expected. The way she barks and freaks out at everyone who walks by buy I guess it’s just because it’s “her” yard and she wants to make sure everyone knows. She barked at the other couple dogs at first but then once she was able to get close and they were able to smell each other then she was fine. When they stood in a line she just laid down and waited. Now getting her to do what she is supposed to do and when is a different story but she is new an this is for the kids to learn to train them so that will come.

Then they joined the poultry club, so as of Thursday they are the proud owners of a dozen Dominique chicks. They are only a few days old when they came in I guess.

All three are doing it as well and they each need three chickens to show at the 4-H fair in spring. They said we should buy extra chickens in case any end up being roosters or something happens to one. So I bought each one four. I figure out of a dozen they should each get 3. Once they show them they will auction them off. The extras they can sell to the packer or whatever they call him for about $15 a chicken maybe a little more. He buys them because they are laying hens and are just coming of age to lay. He don’t have to raise them and put in the extra work.

We wanted to keep them at our house but since it is not  my house if someone complains they will go to the own and not me. If that happens then I will be in trouble so we are keeping them in the 4-H coop. We are lucky they are only about 5 minutes away from the house so it helps since we have to go out twice a week and every third weekend to feed and take care of them. We can go out other days we have time and want to as well.

The kids are excited about it all. It’s extra running for me but it is something fun and we want to do so it isn’t to bad. We go to the dog club on Sunday and that is my homework day so I will have to work stuff around to get them there. It is to far for me to drop them and come back so I have to wait and there is no internet so I can’t take it with me either. The chicken club we go to meetings every Tuesday night and then go feed the chickens the two days. I am sure we will be out there other days as well as excited as the kids are. I wish we could keep the chickens at home.

I think it will be something they get more into once we get moved and are able to keep them at home and they can really watch them and see the changes vs just seeing them a few times a week or when we can get out there.

I am kind of wishing we had done the rabbit club instead but I did’t find out about it until I had already ordered the chickens and got them. I don’t know that I want to deal with three rabbits right now either. I would have to set up pins for them and things I don’t know what one I would rather do really. It just seems easier having it here at the house than somewhere else and having to depend on other people to go out and take care of them and making sure they are getting what they need. Worrying that something might happen to them. If they do not have three each to show at fair they will be very upset. If we could have them at home I could have gotten more to make sure and we would probably keep them once we were done.



{September 12, 2016}   Super Busy

I have been supper busy the last week with a ton going on. But I will be back later to day to catch everyone up and hopefully get back on track.



This is how I have spent my day just waiting for my money to hit the bank. It zeroed out between 3:10 and 4:10 this afternoon and still hasn’t hit the bank. For the life of me I can’t remember how long it took before. I know last time it was just there before I expected it. I thought it would go in between 8 and midnight but still hasn’t hit. Now I am being told it will probably be between 4 and 8 pm tomorrow. I pray it is sometime between now and when I drop the kids off at school in a few hours. I go for a interview in a few hours and don’t have shoes to wear. I have a pair of slip on dress light shows, but I don’t like the way they are made and if it rains they will be soaked and like wearing nothing in just a few seconds.

I have needed dog food for two days now so they have eaten hot dogs the last two nights and whatever the little kids left on their plates. My lights are due tomorrow if they are not paid they will go off first thing Saturday morning. I also have another bill due that needed paid last Saturday and I put them off until tomorrow hoping to get the money to take care of it all.

I even went so far as to try to pawn some of the coins my dad left me and one of the guns. But they just changed the laws about pawn shops well not just pawn shops but anywhere that buys and sells jewelry coins fire arms and things like that. So no one is wanting to buy or loan on things anymore. One guy even told me he was thinking about closing up shop because he felt it went to far and over stepped and invaded his rights at this point and it would be hard to make money because you buy it at one price and then have to hold it so long before you can sell it and then price goes down. Plus other things they are going to make them do as well.

I was shocked, my friend J and my other friend that has been sick and in and out of the hospital went with me when I was trying to pawn it. I dropped them all off picked up the kids and went home. My friend that has been sick sent me a message and said her boyfriend was trying to get a hold of a guy has been wanting to buy his truck so he could sell it to him. I asked her why because they had money and he don’t have any other car or truck. He can’t drive it right now but he will need it later when he can. She said to get me the money I needed since I couldn’t get it. I was floored. I told her to tell him not to do that I would work it out and get it. I only needed $100 that day I knew the rest I had until tomorrow to figure out and get. I just knew if I was pawning stuff to get it I needed to do it all at once instead of doing two or three different pawns. I wanted to get all the money at one time. The $100 I didn’t end up needing that night any how because my truck started having problems and I wasn’t able to take the kids to their activities anyhow. She said just let him he couldn’t drive it anyway but I couldn’t do that. I would never let someone do that unless I just had no other options and could not do without it and I don’t think I could even let them do that then. I still kill myself trying to figure out how to get it without them doing something like that for me.

When I looked later my debt to the school had zeroed out so I figured I would have my money by this past Wednesday but I didn’t. I thought for sure today and still nothing, then when it all zeroed out I figured by now it would be there. I thought that when it zeroed out all together it went right in, but I guess not. I am surprised because they are not open tomorrow. I pray it isn’t held up somewhere until Monday.



{September 6, 2016}   Still Trying

You know thinking about it this is probably a big reason I have been feeling so lonely lately. The divorce is done and over and he is STILL trying to get back together. He was here the other night dropping off money or something. I said something to one of the kids about hurting and needing a massage.

Later that night I was laying in bed and my phones starts blowing up. I look to see who it was, it was Father of The Year. He says maybe some really good sex I would rub you for a month! I said laugh my ass off and send a bunch of laughing little faces to him. He says some doggy style would be good, you know you would enjoy it. He says I’m ready for you if you are. I said I doubt that. He comes off with I could rock your world don’t doubt it for a second and you know it. I said um don’t think so. He says yes I could but your to stubborn to find out.

I said um no I already know. Just like the last times. Nothing has changed why would that? He comes off with things are different between us now that was the past and least time wasn’t great I agree. I said last many times were not, and in regards to anything like that no things have not changed to make that any different now.  He got mad I could tell he said whatever. Whatever you say you got to move past your anger at me. I said I’m not angry. He said you are at me you tell me all the time you hold grudges and you never let the past be. I told him I’m not angry it is what it is.

I told him I don’t know why I want to be with someone I am no longer with, that I have moved on from and there are no feelings there for anymore. He never said anything after that, I was surprised.

A few days later he started again. That was the night the storm was supposed to hit and my friend was here and all the other shit happen. He text wanting to know what I was doing and I said just sitting here. He wanted to know what was on my mind. Was asking me if I am seeing anyone. I didn’t answer right away I was making dinner and talking to my friend laid the phone down. He says are you seeing someone? I really hope you can tell me if you are. I told him no I don’t know why he keeps going on about it. Then he says I was just wondering I’m still not over you I know its crazy but I’m better about moving on then I was it will take more time, I’m trying to move on but it’s hard. I said you say that I’m sure your probably seeing someone No no I’m just missing you that’s all he says. Wish I could move on that easy, but I can’t you don’t know what it is like for me I feel lost and i still need time to find myself again. And it’s frustrating because I wish you could see how I feel inside. I said where are you? My friend said I bet he is on his way over here ask him where he is. He said home in bed I said oh I wondered and stop responding.

It’s like why do you have to keep doing this over and over nothing has changed. My feelings haven’t changed he hasn’t changed the way he is or does things or acts. My walls are full of holes to prove that. I don’t know maybe he needs me to tell him how done I really am with him every so often and to turn him down and tell him what a fool he is. Maybe it helps him move oh. Maybe he just gets off on putting himself through that. I really don’t know and don’t care. I just want him to leave me alone and move on. Almost seems like he is feeling guilty because he is talking to someone or thinking about talking to someone but me talking to or seeing someone would make it ok for him to or give him the ok to. It’s crazy we have not been together in 5 years just about. We are divorced and he still acts this way. Maybe if he had been so worried about how I felt and what I was doing way back when before it got this far it would have never gotten this far to start with. But I know it sure as hell is not going to go back to us ever again. I been there done that have the three kids and divorce papers to prove it. I don’t need anything else. He needs to move on and find someone else. Just like asking that girl to go to his brothers wedding with him. He better know that my kids are not to be left alone with his family not even for a few hours or a night. If he goes there to pick her up they better go with him and if he goes to take her home they better go with him and why he is gone out of state with them they better be with him not somewhere in bed and him out not at a party and he slips away for a little bit. Not after what these people have done. Not all of them but the ones that I know if he left them with anyone they would be the ones because he see’s nothing wrong with it. The rest my kids don’t know so he don’t need to go leave them with a bunch of people they don’t know. I don’t take my kids anywhere and leave them like that never have not even when we were together he better not either.



et cetera
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