3:16 a.m.

I am laying her stretched out in my bed wrapped in my blanket. Wishing I could sleep. Thinking about my friend who is probably up growing to the hospital for her surgery about now. I am worried about her. It is going to take about 10 hours to do it. I feel like shit I was going to call her and got busy at work and it got to late. I talk to her a few nights ago. She is scared. I feel so bad for her. I so wish I could be there for her.

She wants me and the kids to come stay with her for a bit so we can move up there where they are. I just want to go see her even if just for a day. I miss her being here and hanging out.

I have other things on my mind as well and in one of those moods where I don’t really feel anything just a void or emptiness. I have been feeling lonely a lot lately. It sucks when you want to feel that closeness there isn’t anyone there.

The Really You Season 1—–Game 5

Here is this weeks round of The Really You

What is the silliest thing you have heard people say about you?

That I look mean and unapproachable, I have heard this from a few different people. Some who I probably would of never got to know if I hadn’t approached them first.

I met bff at my kids school her daughter was in my son’s class. I use to see her in the car line all the time. Then I seen something she had at her house as she lived very close by. I stopped her one day and asked her about it. We just started talking and have become friends from there. Years later she told me when she seen me at the school and in the car line I looked really mean or tough.

I asked her what that meant she said you just looked like someone that didn’t put up with no shit and didn’t want to be bothered by no one. It’s kind of true but your fun as hell and cool once you get to know you and don’t piss you off lol.

I had others say the same kind of things. I just tell them sorry this is my face or it keeps the weak away.

Which of your personality traits has been the most useful?

Responsibility I would have to say probably has helped me the most. Because people can depend on me and know that they can. This gives me advantages at jobs and things.

 

Are you a early bird or a night owl?

100% night owl all the way. When I am home and don’t have unwanted people staying with me I will be up cleaning, cooking, watching tv, going to the store or anything else that needs to be done or I want to do all hours of the night. I have said for years I would love to live in Alaska where it stays dark for 6 months and everyone goes on with life as normal. I would love if we lived life backwards and slept during the day and was up at night.

No matter how many months days or years I have to get up and be at work, have kids at school or what I have to do in the mornings it is a struggle and I hate getting up no matter how much sleep I have had or haven’t had.

R.I.P My Girl

 

This was probably one of the worst long holiday weekends we have had in a long time, maybe ever. Last Monday I had to take the dog to the emergency vet after my night job. I ended up leaving work at 11 that night to take her. She was having a lot of trouble getting up and moving around and fell and couldn’t get up. The kids got her in the house because she was outside. When I got there I tried to get her to get up and she wouldn’t or couldn’t. She would just move the front of her body around and try to drag or pull her back legs around. I put a blanket down to get her on to take her to the vet and she couldn’t get on it. She loves to ride but couldn’t even get up when I asked her if she wanted to go for a ride.

We finally got her on the blanket it and it took us a while to move her and get her into the car. We could hardly get her picked up. We could only get her a little piece and have to sit her down. When we got there they came out and got her on a stretcher. Once inside she got up and moved around for them some but still had problems and wasn’t to strong.

The vet came in and checked her out. He didn’t do x rays but really moved her legs around and checked her back and things really good. He seemed to think it was arthritis in her hips. We didn’t do x rays because she had problems a few years ago and they gave her meds and she was good in a few days and had not had problems since. They said in 3 to 4 days we should see an improvement.

By Friday she wasn’t doing better and the meds were not helping with pain for very long at all. She was needing it again well before time for her to have it again. I had pain meds they gave her before that she didn’t need all of so I called the drug store to see if she could take the two meds together and they said yes. I got home and told them to give her the pain med until I could call her vet and get her in the next morning.

I called them Saturday morning and they said they could get her in at 1. It took a bit to get her in the car again but she was more able to help us get her in there. We got there and she wouldn’t get out. I told oldest to go in and ask them to help us with her. While she was in there I finally got her to get out of the car. She wanted to walk all over but I got her to go in because I knew that she wasn’t going to walk around long or would fall down. I didn’t want her to get stuck outside. About the time we walked in they were coming from the back with a stretcher to get her in. They took us right into a room.

The tech came in and talked to us she said the vet would like xrays and blood work. We were fit in between appointments and late so it maybe a little bit before she could get in to see us but we could have this in the works and ready when she got in. I told them we would do the x ray but I wanted to talk to the doctor and wait for the blood work. By the time they got back to us the doctor came in with them. We talked and she took her to get the x rays. We really thought it was going to be her hips and she needed stronger medication.

They brought her back in and said her hips looked great, even for her age. Then they told us (oldest went with me) that it was her spine. They said it was getting narrow and it had arthritis in it and it was what was causing her to lose control and not be able to use her back legs. She said we could put her on stronger meds and pain meds and see how well we could manage it. But that it would not really improve her, she would most always need help getting up and getting around. They were talking about the stronger meds also would effect her organs and with her being older was more likely to happen and probably wouldn’t take long to. She also pointed out that the mass she has was kind of swollen and was at risk of busting open. She said she didn’t know if it was that way because she was just in heat and would go down or not. She said we would just have to watch it. She said that she would start to get pressure sores from not being able to move and things as well.

She didn’t just dump it all on us, she told me as I asked her questions and things. I just told her I was trying to figure out if the meds were going to help or just prolong things? That I didn’t want her to suffer but that I also didn’t want to rush to do anything if she had a chance of improving and doing alright if we just worked with her and gave her time.

She said that she felt at this time it would just be giving her quantity of life not quality. She told us we could take her home and come back later or another day to give us time and things. She said that honestly she felt it was time and that she felt she was ready. I told her I said I want to do what is best for her. I don’t want to take her home to just give us time and things when she is suffering. I just want to be sure we are doing the right thing. She said no she understood and answered all our questions and talked with us for a while. We decided it was best for her and that we needed go ahead and do it. We told the tech and she took her out and put the iv in. She said it would be a while before the vet could get to us she was in the other rooms seeing other animals. She asked if we would be ready when she was done or if we just wanted to leave her or let her know when we were ready. I told her we be okay let us know when the vet was ready.

My oldest decided she didn’t want to be there while they did it. I was fine with that. I have had to do this two other times and hate it but won’t just leave them alone while they do it and let them spend their last few minutes alone they been there so much for us.

In a little bit the tech and vet came back in. They had ice cream and cake or something on a plate for her. My oldest went out. She was on a big towel on the floor we were sitting on. They sat down on the floor with me and the dog. They gave her the plate of treats. She ate the cake up right away. Then she started on the ice cream. She ate a good amount of it. While she was eating it they gave her an injection to make her go to sleep as if they were going to do surgery on her. She went to sleep right away, they moved the plate over from her. She started to snore and was laying there so peacefully. Then the vet said she would give her the injection that would do it and it would be done with in just a minute or two. I told her okay. I sat there and pet her and held her head and they gave her the shot. In a minute she said it was done. I just cried we had cried the whole time we sat there petting her and talking to her. I looked at her and we all got up after a few minutes and I looked down at her. She looked like one of those huge stuffed animals that you see at the store. I just wanted to reach down grab her and cuddle her. I had to leave the room, I couldn’t sit there and see her like that.

We got home and I had to tell the kids she went to be with Sprite our dog that got hit a few years ago and passed. They are so upset. My Little Bitty said can we just get out of here and go do something? I don’t want to be in the house without her right now. The other kids all were upset as well.

My poor little Bitty cried and cried last night and all she has said since I told her is this is the worse time for this to happen. This is the worse day for this to happen. She needed to be here for Christmas, she was supposed to be here so she could see all the pretty Christmas stuff and lights and to get her gifts. Then she could go be with her and grandpa. I keep telling her that they are all together and happy watching over her. But she is still upset. It is understandable. I feel horrible for them.

We got her when my older two were 3 and 2. They picked her out when she was a few days old and brought her home at 8 weeks old, just a few days before Christmas. She been around pretty much all my kids lives. She loved them as much as they loved her. She has been apart of our family for 12 years. That is a long time and seems even longer for kids. I don’t know what breaks my heart more, wjat we had to do or for them to have to go through this again and with one they are so close to.

Little Bitty took her picture here and added to it as you can see.

Today Pops got to the shop late, it was after lunch. I told him I had to go over across the way to the vets a minute. It’s probably not even a quarter mile from our office now. When we move it will be even closer. But I ran over and picked up the paw print they made. I went in and told them what I was there for and everything. They went back and brought a little bag out. I didn’t even look in I went to leave. As I was walking across the parking lot back to the car I felt the bag and could tell there was more in it. About the that time it hit me. It was her collar and leash. Now I don’t know what to do with it. One thing the kids said was where is her collar? I told them I left it on her, left it with her. They said good we want it to stay with her. I was that way with my other dogs as well. I didn’t want their collars I felt they should be with them and one I had loved his collar he hated for you to take it off. He sit and wait for you to put it back on him.

So when I felt them in the bag today this oh no now what just came over me. My first thought was to throw them away but it just seems wrong to throw them away. I hate to take them home to the kids because I know it is going to upset them they wanted it to stay with her. Right now they are still in the bag with the print I have to figure out what to do with them before I go home tonight. If I had my truck I just toss them in one of the boxes or what and figure it out later but this car has no where to keep things. I wish I jad noticed inside I would of asked them to keep them. Just told them the kids wanted them to stay with her I didn’t want them to see them. I know I shhould just be the adult and get rid of them or what but I can’t and dont know what to do with them either. Getting rid of them feel like we just didn’t care or don’t care and that isn’t it at all. We just wanted them to stay with her and not to have them. There isn’t really anything we can do with them other than just have them laying around. I will probably just take them home and drop them in my trunk.

Thanksgiving in a Nutshell

Thanksgiving we didn’t do anything but lay around all day. My mother was supposed to make a ham and everything for dinner and didn’t get up and put it on in time. Of course that was mine and the kids faults. I thought she was awake and laid down with Little Bitty and watched our show. I fell a sleep for a bit. The kids played and watched t.v. We just had a very lazy relaxed day. We ended up getting up and going out to dinner not even doing dinner at home. I don’t think anyone really cared. The kids didn’t really seem to care, we had a nice time, talked and joked around and talked about Christmas. If they would want me to take the money and get them a few smaller gifts or one or two larger gifts? What they wanted either way and made a list.

Friday we didn’t do much and I had to go to work that night. Then I stopped off and seen my Grandma and Grandpa at my aunts. They only live a mile or two from my night job. I had to ask her to borrow money until after the first of the year. In hopes to get things back on track and be able to do something for Christmas. I ended up being there for hours, I didn’t leave until after 12 or 1. I didn’t plan to be there that long at all. I got there around 9:45 give or take. But I was talking to them and lost track of time.

More Cancer

Bff called Friday and we were talking. She said I have to tell you something I don’t know what to do or how to handle it. You can’t tell anyone or say anything about anything. I said I’m not what is it? She said sleeping beauty has cancer. I said I knew something was wrong he had something. I told her a few weeks ago he had something she said oh no she had been to the doctor they tested him for AIDS and everything. I said I am telling you he has something he knows it. He made the comment to me to many times he was scared and what he has and what was wrong with him. She kept saying no and she been at the hospital with him they told her everything and talked to him she was right there.

She said that he told them at the hospital not to say any thing to her or in front of her. HIPAA keeps them from saying anything. Just like she said they treated him like a druggie and hardly gave him anything for pain. I said because they seen what he was a mile away and then they did a drug test on him to prove it and it told them everything they already knew. But again they couldn’t tell you.

She said he just told his family Thanksgiving about the cancer and that his mom had taken him to some doctors appointments already. I said he needs to go back up there with his mom and let her take care of him and take him where he needs to go and things. I said you don’t need to take on taking care of him and having to take off and take him all over the place. It sucks but he has done nothing but take advantage of  you for over a year now and still doing it. She of course says yeah I know. In other words yeah she knows but she isn’t going to do it and will probably end up being his care taker until whatever happens. Putting herself in more of a jam and at this point maybe losing her job. Because what I have heard from a few people between him and a guy at work she has already been in trouble and written up.

I don’t know it is bad but what can you say or do and the fact that he is sick now does not change all that he has done until now. I hate to see anything happen to him but it isn’t other’s place to take care of him when he has done nothing to take care of himself all this time and done nothing but used people and still using them.

She told me the other week he was working with the dumb ass that worked at the shop with us who messed the breaks up on my truck. I thought he would of been smart enough to get paid right away so that he would get paid. Then she tells me when we are talking about all this that nope he has worked weeks or maybe months now and has not been paid and that the dumb ass is saying he is waiting for this and that and to be paid so he hasn’t paid him. I said oh well then your both lost your mind if you really think he is going to get paid anything at this point. I said you both know him very well and know if he did not get paid when the work was done you aren’t going to get paid. I said he is the most lying, scamming coning pos out there. Well he is going to be pay pal this weekend and give him some money. I said yeah don’t hold your breath. She is waiting for this to help buy Christmas. Oh well she wants to be stupid about things and do all this knowing what she knows and been told and after everything that has happen that is on her. She said his family said she is the only one that hasn’t given up on him blah, blah. How is mom babied him and this is why he is the way he is. I said she is right, this is what i have said to you for how long now? You and her both baby him and enable him. I said there is a difference in being there and not giving up and enabling and being used. I said and all you have done is allow yourself to be used. She started with well he is good for the kids…..I said no he isn’t, what is he teaching x her son? That he don’t have to work to just find a women who does and that will let him live off of them? That he can do his drugs and treat them how ever he wants? I said at least his dad worked and taught him to get off his ass and work for what you want and to make away for himself. I said this one is undoing that and you have no one but your self to blame for that. I said what is he teaching your youngest daughter who just loves him and he has “helped” so much as you say? What that she is supposed to work her ass off to take care of a grown man that refuses to work and pay his way? Then if something happens to him to keep paying his way and then take care of him as well?

Of course she is all yeah but blah. blah. I said I’m not the only one that has said this to you and you know what everyone is saying is right. She said yeah, her older “son” as she calls him the one from the shop that lived with them keeps asking her why he is there and that she needs to get him out of there and everything. I said well he is right.

I Find It Funny

How do guys meet you and think it’s great that you “aren’t like the rest” But then try their damnedest to get you to screw around with them, or “help” them out.

It’s like okay are you not listening? Do you know how stupid you sound and look? Do I look desperate to you? What is it that makes you think that your so great or special that we just met, started talking or been talking and I am going to just say oh what the hell and do it? Especially when we aren’t even talking a relationship or interested in one. They say they just want to see where it goes, just want to be friends, not looking for a relationship. You tell them what your looking for and they still think your just going to make an expression or change your mind for them.

I know it’s the sliver of hope they have and it’s the fun of trying. But dang, I think I would get tired of trying and feel like an idiot for trying after a while. It never crosses my mind to even keep trying if I know someone really isn’t interested. I guess that’s why guys and women are so different.

As bad as the other one telling me you really aren’t like the rest. But you just don’t get how this works. You need to………….

Yes I know how it works and I have no desire to play that game. I have no need to.

Contempt Again and Finally Served

I hadn’t really thought of the deadbeats and child support in a while. I am not sure the last time I checked on it really. For some reason today I was walking through the shop not really thinking about anything and something said check child support enforcement. I went on and forgot about it.

Later this afternoon after I finished up working and had some simi free time I thought of it again. I looked up the case on Father of the Year first. It is showing over $2900 owed but it is more I know. It said just today they sent something to their lawyers to file contempt of court against him again. I figure we won’t get a court date for that until next year. It was aroumd this time last year when they finally did something and we didn’t go until May 15.

Then I looked at the case with R.C. it don’t show anything new so I looked it up at the clerk of courts site. It showed on the 19 I think it is returned or proof of service.

I went back to the child support site and chatted with someone there. She says he was served on 10/2/19. This shows you how long it takes them to get it in the computer and everyone to get the info. She said we are just waiting on a court date for that one too now. I am sure it will probably be some time next year as well.

We get in court I am going to ask about contact and all that. If he wants contact what I should tell her because she has been asking.

I am not looking foward to court with Father of the Year. I do not like the way I felt when he walked in the last time we went. I have to find someone

At least once they get onto R.C and make him pay he will. This with Father of the Year is going to be just another go in tell him to pay x amount of what he is behind and let him go. He cry to mommy and daddy or his boss and get the money. He will skip on about his way and not pay the rest of the year. Why we are in there I am bringing up his rights and getting rid of them.

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