Fist I just have to say I love my tattoo (You can check it out here My New Tattoo) but I do not love this stage of the healing. It is at the peeling and itching like crazy stage. I just want to reach down and dig it off my foot. I say this because it is driving me crazy as I sit here and try to write my post. Makes it hard to think sometimes.
Back to the original post now. As I said in my previous post I made it to my monthly women’s bible study at church last night. Well I guess that would really be two nights ago now seeing as it is already Friday as I write this. The leader is the ministers wife she is a minister as well. They went to school together to do this.
She showed a video of Joyce Myers called the 7 secrets of a confident women. They are…………….
Secret #1—A Confident Woman Knows That She Is Loved
Secret #2—A Confident Woman Refuses To Live In Fear
Secret #3—A Confident Woman Is Positive
Secret #4—A Confident Woman Recovers From Setbacks
Secret #5—A Confident Woman Avoids Comparison
Secret #6—A Confident Woman Does Not Live In “If Only” And “What If”
Secret #7—A Confident Woman Takes Action
Why she was talking about these all I could do was sit there and think what happen? Where did I go? That use to be me. I use to be so confident and never cared what anyone thought and wouldn’t take no for an answer or let a bump along the way stop me. Now I fight to drag myself out of bed and get the things I need to do done. Much less be confident.
Loved I don’t feel loved by anyone any more. Why would I no one seems to have anything good to say and always has something to say about anything I do. The kids its a fight to get them to do anything at all even take care of their self and shower is a fight. They don’t feel they should have to do anything and complain about everything. Nothing is ever good enough or just ok or looked as it is my life I decide what to do with it and even though it isn’t what you would do don’t mean it is wrong. Lately I keep hearing you can’t be loved over an over in my head and the things that were said when me and RC were arguing.
A confident women don’t live in fear. It seems I don’t make a move with out thinking so and so is going to say this and such and such is going to start about that. I don’t want to hear what that one has to say when they find out. Like I have to answer to them or something. I know I don’t but I still don’t feel like talking about it or listening to it. Then feeling guilty for doing something when there is really nothing to feel guilty about. It was my decision and I did what I wanted or what I wanted felt was best.
I don’t feel positive at all any more. It seems that no matter what I do or try to do how good it seems to be going something comes along and it turns into a mess. About the only thing I can say I am positive of is that whatever it is something will happen to keep it from happening or working out the way I would like. I really try hard not to look at things that way and feel that way. I go into things feeling and thinking this is it its going to be great and it still ends up not working.
Recovers from set backs. Setbacks use to be nothing more than something for me to over come and say see I could do it no matter what happens or tries to stop me. I had so many set backs trying to buy my house I know my poor boss was ready to throw in the towel and give up. But I go in he said this came up they said this we can’t close now until it is taken care of or it looks like it isn’t going to work out. I just look at him say what do they want I will make it happen and I would. We had I think 4 closing dates before we finally closed and there were a ton of things that happen before we even could get a closing date. There was no giving up or forgetting it. I was that way with everything. Now with all that has happen over the years I feel like I live in one big set back that I am never going to get out of so why try. I still do try at times but I feel that there is so much stacked against me that this is it.
A Confident Woman Avoids Comparison, I think this is the only one that I really don’t do. I am not sure why and I may in sometimes. But for the most part I don’t feel that anyone is any better or any less than I am. I know the things I want and I work to get them. It don’t bother me if others have things or what they have. I just figure they got theirs and I will get mine in time if it is I’m supposed to.
Ah the good old “If only’s” And “what if’s” I have never really had a problem with the what if’s because if they happen then you do what you have to do get through them and move on. Not something to worry about because what if I never did anything because of what might happen? Then I would never leave my house and have a life. The if only’s I have said if only this or that but mostly just in passing joking or just a in our dreams kind of thing. Never really feeling that if only I had this or that things would be better. But lately I have lived with the if only’s and the what if’s. If I had more money was able to just go out and work whatever job and hours like father of the year and rc me and the kids would be a lot better off. I wouldn’t have to worry about what is going to happen once we are on our own again. But that comes up a lot. That leads to the what if we end up homeless again or how do we not end up homeless again and not have to live the way we are now with everyone unhappy. I feel if only things had turned out different than they did when I was out the first time.
A confident women takes action. Again use to be me a set back came up, and what if happen it wasn’t a big deal. I just go into what needs to be done to fix it how do we make that happen? What if we do this and this. It isn’t working ok then do it this way or fight for it because it is supposed to work or be that way. Now I feel like I am beat down and wore out. I feel that I am tired of being the one to always take action and have to handle everything. I am tired of being the one to always take action and fix everything or try to. I am tired of always being the one fighting to make sure everything is being done right and making sure it is if it wasn’t. I feel like I have no more action or fight left in me. I feel like I have no more energy in me to do anything. Like I said I fight to get out of bed most days and be any kind of productive where am I supposed to get the energy to take action on anything else.
I feel like why do any of this when no one cares and all I hear is how I should have done this I needed to do that, I didn’t do this and that over there is just not right. Why even care and why do more than just get through a day and day to day things.
I really don’t know how to get back to where I was and how I use to be. I have often thought about this and how I lost myself and everything I was over the last few years or more. Mostly the last year or so that I was with father of the year and he did me the way he did and treated me how he did and still to this day the way he dose and treats me still and I feel stuck and as if I can’t get a way from it or out of it. It is hard to believe that a person can make such a 360 degree turn around from what they where and what they are now and not even notice until its to late and it is done. I feel like someone just took that part of me and erased it from ever existing but there is that little part of me that knows it did but I can’t get it back or prove it. I feel like but an empty shell trying to figure out what to do and where to go from here and how to get there.