{January 31, 2012}   Mr. Not So Shy

The other day I posted a picture and told what happen with it and a somewhat friend. After I posted that a few other people had liked it. Then I thought I am just going to like it and see what happens. This way he knows that I seen that he liked it and responded back you could say.  I did that on Monday.  Wednesday I was up later than normal doing stuff about 12am I looked and I had a message in my inbox. I looked and it was from him. It just said how have you and soon to be ex been? He is on both our pages and soon to be ex has said a lot about us not being together and I have gotten upset about a few of his post and said a lot about everything that has happened and why things are the way they are. I have said little things here and there indirect about things. Not like he shouldn’t already know since this has been going on since November.

I asked how he was doing and told him that we had split up back in November. That I was doing really good and that soon to be ex seem to be getting use to the idea and that we had pretty much worked everything out. We just had to get it through the courts.  He never answered my question about how he was doing either.

By like 7 that night he was back online and replied back to me. He just said sorry to hear that I thought you all would be together for a long time. I sent something back but we keep missing each other. by the time I can reply back he is off-line. This happen both times. I was on but not showing on. But it has been 6 days now and he hasn’t been back on and said anything. I don’t think he has been back on at all really because he is hardly ever on. I figured it would be days before I would hear from him the first time. But it was like he got on to see if I replied but hasn’t gotten on since.

I am wondering if he wasn’t trying to get info maybe for the girl my soon to be ex is talking too. But I talk to her and made it very clear to her that I did not want him and that if she did she could have him and told her way more than what I told him. lol She should know what she is getting into. Or if he didn’t say more because maybe the fact that we aren’t divorced yet or if he was just waiting to see what I said again. But it seems like he would have gotten back on and said something else sooner. I don’t know.

The thing is like I said before we know each other because I got my soon to be ex a job with his uncle when we first got together. My family and his family have known each other for over 40 years. My mom his uncles aunts, dad and things and my mom and them all use to be really good friends. He had just moved here and they all don’t talk as much as they use too so we had never met.

Today soon to be ex’s girl who also knows them texted him and said that the uncle wanted him to call him about going back to work. He came and told me I didn’t know what to say. It is just the uncle and Mr. Not Shy working there now. They want to find Mr. Not Shy someone to help him because the uncle had another heart attack and more surgery the last few weeks and really can’t do it anymore. I didn’t say anything to soon to be ex about this. He knew he liked the picture but that is it. I didn’t feel he needed to know more. I didn’t want him to say anything to the one he is talking to or someone else and blow something up that isn’t even anything yet. I don’t know if he found out maybe they were going to ask him to go back to work with them or not either. That would be way to awkward I am sure if he went back to work for them because they are the only two and would be together all day every day. Right now everything is still up in the air with him going back to work. but boy it’s funny how things work and how small the world is.

{January 30, 2012}   My Poor Baby

It’s 11:45pm and my poor little guy is up feeling so bad. He is getting all his back molars and his allergies are bothering him. Causing him to have drainage and his throat to hurt. I feel so bad for him he just keeps whining mmm mom mom over and over. There isn’t a lot I can do for him. I gave him some Motrin for the pain but it hasn’t kicked in yet. We sat in the recliner and rocked that is his favorite place when he isn’t feeling good to lay back with mom and rock why he sleeps. But even that isn’t helping tonight.  He went with daddy to see if he Wal-Mart has teething tablets. They are the only thing that seem to help when his teeth are bothering him like this. I just pray they have them most the time they are out. I wonder if they even really carry them anymore. There isn’t another 24 hour store anywhere near close and it is a hit an miss what stores have them. Hopefully if they don’t have them his other meds will have made him sleepy enough he won’t be able to stay a wake and he will at least get some rest. I have to find him something to teeth on that he can get back in his jaw so it helps the teeth coming in back there.

I had just finished cleaning my room and was getting ready to lay down and watch tv until I fell a sleep when i heard him crying. Well they just called getting out didn’t help to calm him any and they don’t have the tablets. We are going to try the gel and pray that helps him. I think it is going to be a long night for me and my poor Mr. Man.

{January 28, 2012}   Hoping and Praying

Today he had to take the truck to take the kids to breakfast with his family for Chey’s birthday. So I wasn’t able to get out and do what I wanted to do today. But maybe that was for the best I slept in. I think I really needed that. When I got up I checked my facebook page. One of the first things I seen was a store in the area I just found out about last weekend is looking for help. I decided that as soon as he got back and dropped the truck off I was going to apply. It is Wednesday-Friday and probably weekends too. When he got back I told him I was going to apply and asked him if he would be able to take the kids every weekend instead of every other. He was fine with that. He will keep the baby and pick up the other kids and sit with them at my house until I get off the other days. He is going to get something working the evenings so that I can work daytime hours. We are trying really hard not to put the baby in daycare and we have to have some one to run the other two to horse back riding and therapy through the week. It just works better if one of us can do it.

But anyway it is a small little clothing store over on the island. I went in with two things to accomplish apply and get a job and to get a pair of boots lol. When I got there he had some customers. I just walked around and shopped. I seen Halloween costumes so I asked if I could look through them. I did looked through and pick some of them out and when every one left I took them up to pay for them. I asked him if I could have an application to apply for the job. He gave it to me. He then told me that it was only going to pay around minimum wage right now and that it would be 26 or less hours a week. He wanted me to know before I spent my time to fill out the app. in case it was something I wouldn’t want to do or be able to do. I told him that was fine. We talked a little more. After we talked a bit he said I am sure there will be chances for a raise and I may even do commission also. I just depends how things work out.

I told him I would fill it out and bring it back in for sure. He asked me when I thought I would bring it back. I told him I was going to go out fill it out a bring it right back because I was very interested in the position. I left my info at home so I took it up the street to Mc Donalds sat down filled it out looked everything up and took it back to him. He wanted to know if I had time to talk now or if he needed to call me back. I told him no I was free today and that I could talk now or when was good for him.

I ended up talking to him for a while. He told me all about how he ended up with the store and why he needed someone to work. What he was looking for someone to do and how things were run. He said he wanted to rearrange the store and if I would be willing to do that and interested in that. Of course I told him yes. He talked about different ideas he was thinking about to get more customers into the store and things like that because it  had been a little slow and he didn’t think to many people knew they were there. I gave him a few small ideas and told him I thought I had some more that would help get people in and things. He seemed very interested in what I had to say.

I he sounded like I had a good chance at the job. he was a little worried because I do have kids and I will be the only employee and he is going to be working another full-time job so he couldn’t come in. If I can’t be there the store would have to be closed. I told him I was very sure about the kids and had things arranged with a few different people to take care of anything that may come up with them. That it would be an extreme thing I needed to call off or take off for something. He said he understood that and wouldn’t expect me to be there if it was something extreme. He is really nice and seem like he would be really good to work for. I would open and close and handle everything day-to-day. It seems like the perfect job for me right now. he is looking at starting the other job in the next two weeks plus has another company he runs. So he really wants to get someone started. He said I would probably be hearing back from him in the next two to three days. I figure by Wednesday of next week. They are closed Mon-Tuesday. I am going to stop rambling I am just so excited and really want this job.

How can you say something is your fault and you take the blame and responsibility for it, then in the next breath say it was both of our faults and it was 50/50? We both could have done more but you know it was your fault. It was my fault because I made it very clear what was wrong why I was unhappy and what needed to be done to fix that? Because I begged to spend time with you and be treated like a person not an animal kept at home unless you wanted to show it off to someone. It is my fault because I did this for a year and it is my fault because even after doing this for a year I stayed almost another whole year why you pretend you were going to fix things like the year before? It’s my fault because I want to live my life and have a life not just exist or go through my day doing what ever to get by. Or is it my fault because I don’t want my daughter growing up thinking that what she wants and what she feels and her needs don’t mater in a relationship as long as her husband is happy. Because I don’t want my sons growing up thinking it is fine to treat their wife any old way at all as long as things are the way they want them to be and they are happy. It don’t matter how she feels or what she wants what her needs are. Or is it because I’m not lost without you and I can get out and do it on my own. I’m not the one sitting around measurable and unhappy anymore you are. You forgot what attracted you to me made it possible for me to stand up and say enough is enough I don’t have to be treated this way and I will not be treated this way anymore. You maybe attracted to a strong women but a strong women is not what you will keep. And a strong women is not what you really want. Maybe you didn’t really think I was that strong or you could break me. Or that like you say feelings would never go a way so I would stay anyway. But you don’t realize this isn’t just for show or something. This is just me this is just who I am. I have had to be a strong women all my life to have made it a far as I have. A now I have to be as strong as ever to make it through this. Once I do I will come out even stronger than when we got together.

{January 27, 2012}   2 Hours of Counseling

Today was soon to be ex’s first one on one counseling and he asked me to go with him to give my perspective of how things have been and why we are getting a divorce. I really didn’t know what to expect to happen or be said going into it. I was just there to go over the things that have happened and what lead me to decide this is how things should be. So that he could then fill in the what he felt he needed help with and why. That is not how I feel it really went at all.

The counselor felt there was no need for me to be there from the start. Even though soon to be ex wanted me to tell him things he didn’t seem interested in hearing them. I was cut off and told that wasn’t what were here to discuss and how he wish we had come in two years ago. Well we didn’t we are here now this is what we have to say and we feel it needs to be said and you need to know for a reason so how about listen and find out why before you cut people off. Just because you feel you have the idea of what is wrong and how to fix it there are other things that need to be dealt with too. If not it isn’t going to matter how much work goes into fixing the big picture because you’re not really fixing the big picture if you are just looking at a small fraction of it. A lot of what he said is the same stuff I have said for two years that needed to be done.

Dealing with the soon to be ex there today just made me see even more that getting out was the best thing I could have done. Even there he could not be completely open an honest a just talk about things. The few times I tried to talk and didn’t get stopped by the counselor for whatever reason. He would get all defensive or tell me that wasn’t how things were and turn it around. When I would sit there and call him out on it and say no this is how it is and this is how you do and this is how you handle things all the time and a big part of the reason things are the way they are. The counselor would say nothing or that this isn’t why we are here. Maybe I’m wrong but to me that is just validating to him that the way he is handling things is fine when it isn’t. I was talking in a normal tone and talking about a few key things where what he did or didn’t do really mattered and really effected things. And it was just kind of blown off or pushed under the rug.

When I said something in the truck on the way home about it soon to be ex says well I was just saying that I did do this or that once in a while. But what he really sat there and said is no you didn’t do that as much as you say you did it once in a while. I did more of it most the time. Just like I told the guy he has this low view of himself and how he feels other people look at him and I think that it is part of the reason he does the things the way he does them. The counselor then says no I don’t see that he thinks you are blah blah blah because this is how you are wired to handle things and this is what he sees and how he takes it. Ok that maybe true but I tell him this is what I what I want this is how I feel this is why I say what I say or do. I’m not trying  to attack you and I’m not trying to make you feel bad or say that I look at you in a bad why. I am just trying to tell you this to try and fix things and to try to make this work. But he still says this stuff. If the counselor would listen and not cut people of or stop them and say that isn’t what we are here for and really pay attention to what is being said and examples of why it seems that way from my side or his side then maybe he would see there really is something there and that I’m not just saying this. But that’s not how it was at all.

We are paying you to listen to us and to hear what we are saying. Not just the parts you want to hear not just the parts that you feel are relevent to what is going on but everything that we have to say. Because we feel we need help in these areas also or have questions in these areas also that we would like answers for. Isn’t that what you are supposed to be here for. To listen to everything to look at EVERYTHING the two parties have to say and to dig a little deeper and see where they are really coming from how they really feel. Isn’t the ideal kind of people to work with the ones who want to be open and honest and upfront about everything get it all out in the open. I would think so because even though you can’t address everything or have a cure for everything right now isn’t the idea to sit down take everything and make a plan of action to work on it all as a whole. To tie it all together and show how it all works together and one thing relates to another even in the smallest way and plays a part in why things are the way they are. Even if there is one or two things that may not tie into the rest if they are something that needs to be addressed to make that person’s life better shouldn’t you work on that too.

By all means I didn’t go in their thinking that he is going to fix him and make him perfect. But at the same time I think that it is like being sick. If you are throwing up and have pain in your side and a high fever. Your going to want to get the fever down right a way get something down to keep the person from being sick any more and then run test and try to figure out what that pain in the side is and take care of it. The odds are they are not going to let you sit there and give you nothing for the fever and let it just keep spiking and nothing for the throwing up and let you get dehydrated why they try to run test and see what they pain in your side it from. In the same aspect of things if you go in sick and with a fever and never say anything about the pain in your side they are just going to be randomly running test and things trying to figure it out. Or think it is just the flu and send you home when it could really be your appendix or something. I feel this is along the same lines.

{January 26, 2012}   How Soon Is Too Soon

To bring the person your seeing, talking to or dating around to meet your kids? I have went back and forth with this and just don’t know. I would like to at least be in a relationship with the person not just dating or hanging out before I bring them around. But then realistically thinking that just don’t seem feasible seeing as I have them threw the week and every other weekend. That would mean we would go two weeks with out seeing each other or doing anything together. I can’t see that working out to well either.

I just don’t want the kids to get use to having someone around or doing things with someone and then things not work out with that person. It’s bad enough things went the way they did with me and their dad. Not only that then they are dealing with the same kind of thing at their dads because he is going to be dating again too I’m sure. We don’t really agree on this. He thinks it is fine to bring them around from the start. Really he don’t have to worry about it to much because he don’t have them all the time so he can see them whenever. So he wouldn’t have to have them around the kids until they were more sure about where or if the relationship was going somewhere or not. I guess it will have to be worked out when the time comes. It is just something that has been on my mind.


{January 24, 2012}   Was It Really Love

Is it possible to lose all feelings for someone? Were you every really in love with that person if 9 years and 3 kids later you have no feelings for them at all? I really thought I loved him. I found my self caring about his thoughts and feelings when I went to do or say things. I found myself talking to him about things before I did them. Most the time if I wanted to do something I just did it. If the person I was dating didn’t like it to  bad. This was me and like it or leave it. We would sit and talk for hours day and night and never run out of stuff to talk about. We did everything together no mater how big or small.

We went threw about a 2 year rocky patch about a year after we got married. But we got threw it. There were a few little things that over the course of our marrage I always had problems with like him telling me one thing and doing another or changing him mind anytime we talked about something. But it was more petty stuff to start with and got bigger from there. Other than that things were pretty good up until the last two years.

Thats when it got to the point that he stopped wanting to have anything to do with me. We stopped going out we stopped doing anything together. It got to the point when he came home from work we hardly said two words to each other. I felt like his mad and babysitter with benefits.  I tried begging him to spend time with me and everything else I could think of. I talked to him about it and he would swear it was going to be different or it wasn’t me but nothing ever changed. I went from trying/begging to fix things to being hurt, to angry, to bitter until I finally just didn’t care and there were no feelings.

He says there is no way that I could just lose all feelings for him. He says I’m just bitter of hurt still. Really I’m not I truly feel   completely indifferent to him anymore. Now with all the stuff going on with the kids and him not doing what he says he is going to do I have been pretty mad at him lately. He says oh if you didn’t still have feelings you wouldn’t get mad. That isn’t the case at all.

Was it really love or did we just think it was love? How do I know next time if its love or if I am getting into the same thing again? I haven’t dated a ton but I dated quite a bit before we got together and I can’t say I ever felt the same way about any two guys that I have ever dated. I have talk to a few since we split up and I don’t feel the same way about either one of them or them the same as any others. I think love is just an illusion.

{January 23, 2012}   What Would You Think

I need opinions about something that happen with this photo a week or so ago that I still can’t make sense of. I have a Facebook page. I posed this a 1 1/2 years ago in support of breastfeeding. It is a random picture I found online and used. It was set as my profile picture for a short time back then. today it is in the middle or close to the bottom of the album it is in. Probably 100 or more pictures in there. No one has ever commented on it liked i or anything and it has not been my profile pic for a very long time.

About 2 weeks ago I woke up early and went online for a few minutes and all of a sudden it said I have a like on a picture. I go to see what one and it is this one. I would think nothing of it any other time. But it was from a guy who I have hardly ever talked to more than hi how you doing see you later type of thing. He use to work with my soon to be ex years ago I seen him on the  job or company parties the few they had. He is single and has no kids. Him and my soon to be ex don’t even talk anymore unless they see each other somewhere. I have never commented or liked any of his stuff he has never mine. To me it seems very odd that out of all the pictures on my page that he would look through them all and decide to like this one. There are hundreds probably thousands of pictures on my profile. I guess what really makes it seem odd to me is that he had to look me up go to my page then go to my albums go through each one and then click like. It isn’t like it could have really been done by accident. he had to pull my page up and look for them. why would he be pulling my page up at 6:30 in the morning going threw my pictures.

I showed it to my soon to be ex the other day and he thought it was odd and kind of funny. He said maybe he liked me and was hinting around. But wouldn’t you comment on a picture of that person not something like this? Even comment on one of the kids or something else just to try to start a conversation. He could even inbox me something if he didn’t want anyone else to see we were talking. assuming he didn’t want my soon to be ex to think anything of it or to know we were talking or maybe some of his other family that I know who is also on my page. I have had other guys inbox me comments about my pictures.

This person has always put me in mind of being the kind of shy type too. But soon to be ex says that when it comes to relationships or girls he likes he really isn’t but he isn’t one that talks about them with everyone either. But he isn’t afraid to let someone know if he is interested in them. So I really don’t know what to think. Am I the only one who finds this a little odd. How am I supposed to respond to that? Am I supposed to? Would you find it odd or just think nothing of it?

{January 22, 2012}   Coming Around Again

He seems to be getting use to the idea of us not being together. I hope that he really is and that he isn’t just saying it this time. Or that it isn’t because he is talking to his “friend” again. I think he is starting to really feel different just by the way he wrote it. He said something about feeling a change in his heart and feeling more neutral. Not really something I see him saying normally. Only time will tell how he is really feeling. We shall see in the next few days if that is how he really feels. He may just be trying to see if I will change my mind if he acts like he is ok with everything. I got news for him I will not be changing my mind. It is made up. He has been trying so hard the last few weeks to make me jealous or to get me to show some kind of feelings toward him. I really am not jealous at all because there are not feeling for him other than being mad at him. It isn’t mad over what has been done or what happened it is mad because he keeps telling the kids he is going to do things and don’t do them. It isn’t right to them to say you are taking them for the weekend and then not do it. He say oh you did this or said that there must be underlining feelings. He don’t get that I am mad because of the here and now the games he is playing. I think he may get it but he just so badly wants me to let him come home he tells his self that it is because I have feelings I am trying to hide. All the while not paying attention to the fact he is just making me madder and screwing things up for him and the kids. I feel like we get one step forward and take 4 back. I pray that this time he really feels what he says. I am done being nice. I am just going to have to be brutally honest and put my foot down about stuff. I should have long ago instead I let him cause me problems even after he was gone. I’m not doing it no more.

{January 20, 2012}   Will Counseling Fix Things

When I started this blog a blogger commented on one of my post. Her blog name caught my eye and I went to check hers out. As I sat reading her blog and the things she has been/gone through. I think to myself I could have written this. It wasn’t like one or two it was post after post. What was this passive-aggressive thing she was talking about? I had heard the term before kind of had an idea what it meant but no clue really. I started looking around at the links she shared and found one that said Passive/Aggressive Behaviors. I could not check it out she seemed to be on to something. As I sat reading threw them all I am sad to say there wasn’t one on the list that didn’t fit my soon to be ex. A few days went by and couldn’t help but to think about it. Like she said I was so happy to see that there really was something there and I wasn’t crazy or making it up in my head. As everyone seems to think because they don’t see what goes on behind closed doors. Few days ago in the truck we were talking and I was a little annoyed he was on his kick about why everything was the way it is and why he does stuff. None of it was his fault of course. Before I thought I said things are the way they are because you are so passive aggressive it isn’t even funny. He just looked at me a minute and then asked what that was. I didn’t know how to explain it to him. I told him I had read about it online. So when I got home I pulled up the link copied it and sent it to him. I wasn’t sure what it was going to lead to or how he was going to take it but I am over it and he needs to know.

A little while later he came to me and said your right that is me to a T. I don’t know why am this way or why I have done you the way I have. I feel so bad I have hurt you and put you through all this the last two years. How do I fix it and make it up to you? How do I keep this from happening again between us or in my relationships in the future if we don’t end up getting back together? I told him the only thing I could tell him to do is to go to counseling and that it would probably be a life time fight to keep it from happening again. That he may not have to go all the time but that he would always need to have someone to talk to.

He went to the church where he use to go an has started going again and talked to them about getting in for counseling. He set up to meet with someone today and got information on a men’s meeting. They meet a few times a month and a deal with all kinds of problems the men are facing. We got a flyer that told about other groups they offer and he will also go to a group for parents. I think it was a good idea because of all that we have had going on with our daughter and dealing with our son with autism. He has a hard time dealing and relating to him sometimes.

He didn’t get to keep his meeting today because I had forgotten that I had appointments at the school at the same time he was supposed to be there. With one car and no one to watch the baby for either one of us to go he called and changed it to next Friday. It would have been harder and took a lot longer to get the meetings for my son reset to different dates.

He is still talking about wanting us to get back together but it is really to late for us to be more than anything but friends. I want to be friends so that we can get along for the kids. He is having a hard time dealing with that. He keeps saying he is going to win my feelings back over and he wants to have date nights. I have told him I would go out with him one night to talk things over and get some things settled with the kids. To let him have his say and closure that he says he needs. He has a hard time believing that this is really it and that we can’t get back together. He understands the feelings aren’t there but he thinks he can change that.

Deep down in my heart, soul and gut feeling says it is over. There is too much hurt there. My mind is on board for once too. Well most of it anyway. There is that one little pinhead of a spot in my mind that says but the kids try for them. But then the rest of me says it isn’t good for them no more than it is good for me and that it is a really bad idea. I know it upsets him and I am not trying to be hurtful or mean about it. But like I told him I listened to my mind saying what about the kids and try for the kids for two years. All the while my heart, soul and gut were screaming no it is done get out. I have not said this to him because I really don’t want to crush him. But like I said in my other post. I am happier now than I have ever been in my life. I just can’t see turning around and going back now that I am out.

I have to say thank you so much to for your blog. It has helped me so much the last week or so. Helped me to really understand why things have been the way they are. Maybe not why but to see that I am not alone.

et cetera
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