I posted a few months ago about a job I had applied for. I talked to the guy for a while and it really sounded like I had a good shot at getting it. Only to never hear back from the guy. I think he gave it to another woman who checked on it the next day. She didn’t have kids and things. He was kind of worried about that. But any way I had thought about going online and looking at businesses for sale for a few days but had not been close to a computer I could get online with. I didn’t spend the weekend at home. Today I got up and something said check the listings. I looked through the last couple days and seen a few things. Then I decided to go back to Friday when I first thought of it and wasn’t able to look. One of the first ads I see if for a store like the one I applied at a few months ago. I had a feeling but wasn’t sure. I emailed and asked where it was. I just got the email back and it is the same store I applied at. The guy got the engineering job he was telling me he was trying for and he says he don’t have time to mess with it. He either has to sell it or just close it. I guess he decided he couldn’t find someone he trusted to run it or it is just too much to mess with doing the new job.

He isn’t asking a lot for it and I could probably get him down some on it since he really wants rid of it. I am thinking about  setting up a meeting and going to talk to him see what he makes from it in a month what the over head is and things like that. I really think if I got in there and really put my mind to it I could make this work and make some money at it. I just don’t really have the upfront money to buy it. If it seemed worth it and like I could make money at it pretty fast I could get the money or maybe work something out with him.

I really want to do it have wanted to do something for a while and this seems like a really good opportunity. But then I have that little voice in the back of my head with all the what if’s. I am going to try to sit down an talk with a friend tonight about it go over all the good and bad. It’s always good to get someone from the outside’s opinion they think of things you don’t. Then I think I may see if they would go with me and set up a meeting to go talk to the guy and get the details on it and see where things go from there. If I listen to the little what if voice I won’t ever do anything. I have listen to it for to long. It is time to start doing.

It would be so great if I could get it and make a go of it. I could be there for my kids more. I could just hire someone to be there when I couldn’t be as a part-time person. If I did it my sister would probably love to do it. She don’t have to work or need to but wants to do something just to have some extra cash. She could even bring her little girl with her if she wanted too once in a while. I want to move out-of-state in a year or so and if I did she could just take it over and run it if she wanted too even.

{March 23, 2012}   Moving On

Things have been ok between me and soon to be ex the last month or two. We really hadn’t been fighting and things like we had been. More just tolerating each other or avoiding each other. But whatever better than fighting  right? Well since I met someone and we have talked and getting closer he has started getting nasty. Making comments here and there. He wants to chit-chat and talk about me and him and things between us. I just say things are fine or whatever it really isn’t any of his business and I just don’t talk about much of anything like that with anyone. I am not like him I don’t need relationship advice nor do I want to talk about my relationship good or bad. So that makes him even madder.

The last few days he is on this I want you back kick. Why can’t we get back together what can I do to try to fight for you. What can I use to fight for you. I keep telling him nothing it is done over and that it was when I asked him to leave or I wouldn’t have asked him too. I have said this to him more than once and made it very clear to him when I asked him to leave. I made it clear to him what it would mean if it came down to me asking him to leave before it did when i was trying to get him to fix things.

He has the kids from tonight until Wednesday and he knows that me and him are going out tonight. He said something about his kids and where they would be. I said his in-laws take them every so often for a night or two. He then made some comment about that. I said something about it and he said he has someone to watch his kids so he can take you out and do things with you. I stopped him and told him we didn’t always have a sitter but that when we did have one he didn’t do what he said and that even when he didn’t need one he didn’t do what he said he was going to do. Well I have changed he says.

He is telling how I wanted him to change so bad and how I wanted him to do things different for so long and that now he is and now I won’t give him a chance. It don’t matter that he didn’t bother to do it for two years it just matters that he did. I told him good then maybe if he really changed he wouldn’t go through this again. I can’t say he has changed at all. He moved in November never went to counseling or anything else until a few months ago. went one and never went back. Just the other day and signed up to talk to someone else. He wants me to go with him again. I don’t see any point other than to try to get back to terms where we can get along for the kids. Because it is getting past that point again. I told him I would go this time but he had to find someone to watch the baby because he can’t go. He said I don’t have in-laws that will watch my kids. Again another snide comment because he knew my friends were taking his. I said something he said I’m not saying anything it’s just. Always a reason always an excuse. When there was no excuse or reason for saying it. I can’t help it if my family don’t help me or help us. I told him that upfront and he knows. He knows that I can do and do for them and they can’t lift a finger when it comes to me. I’m fine with that as long as they mind their own business and stay out of my life. It would be nice to have that happy everyone helps everyone family but the point is we don’t have that.

I just wish he would find some friends and leave me alone. He kills me because he keeps saying I don’t have someone there to be with to help me move on. He don’t get that I had already moved on from our relationship and what was us long long before I ever started looking for someone else to be in a relationship with. I keep telling him you can’t just get with someone else and expect that you are going to magical move on. That isn’t how it works. He says I know but and goes back into telling me why he needs someone so he can move on. I really hope this Councillor person can help him. I told him he needed to talk to her about some of this stuff and he says to me she isn’t going to be able to help with this. This is different. No that is what she is there for. She can help him deal with all this if he would tell her whats really going on. I guess the one good things is he has given me full contact with the office and the therapist so I can talk to her and tell her things that are going on and she can tell me things if need me. He didn’t tell her things upfront that he needed to tell her. I didn’t know and told her but oh well unless they know everything they aren’t ever going to be able to help him.

I have probably rambled through this I am just so frustrated with all this. I told him today if it keeps being this way it was going to go to him siting in the car waiting on the kids to come out with their stuff and getting in and leaving he wasn’t going to be allowed back in my house. I am not going to keep going over and over this with him every time he don’t like something.


{March 19, 2012}   What a Weekend I’m So Happy

I had such a great weekend, the best I have had in a very long time. I got up Saturday and met up with my friend I met RM. We took all the kids to the Flea Market that’s between our houses. I had said something about maybe going there but wasn’t sure. He said something about it being a ways a way. I said yeah I know. One reason I probably wouldn’t go. It is about 20 miles or so a way from me and he is about 15 miles a way from me in the other direction.

We walked around the first one and the kids were having fun playing and looking around. Then we sat down at the tables they have there and started talking on the way back to the cars. The his boys had been talking about going to some bounce house place. I asked him what he was going to do when he left there. He said he wasn’t sure. I told him I was going to go ahead and take the kids down to the other flea market since it was still early and they wanted to go. I asked him if he wanted to go or if he was going to take the kids to the bounce place they had been asking to go to. He said he wanted to go with us. I told him we could all go in my truck and pick his up on the way back. He said he couldn’t leave it there it wasn’t his and he was worried something might happen to it. We ended up taking it back to his place and then going to the flea market. We had a good time down there too.

He is so good with the kids especially Elisha. He got quarters a few times and let them ride the different little rides that were around there. The last one they all were taking turns riding it and Elisha was off looking at something. I kept telling him come so you get your turn he didn’t. All the other kids road and I told him get on it was his turn so he did. We stuck the money in and the thing wouldn’t work. we put more money in and it still wouldn’t come on. I don’t know what happen to the crazy thing it worked through 4 other kids in a row. So we told him it broke we didn’t know what was wrong with it. He was upset. I told him that when we got to the truck I would give him two quarters to put in his bank or put a way for next time we went some where since he couldn’t ride. He was still pouting as we walked along. His feelings just get hurt so easily and he takes it so personal like the ride didn’t like him or something and that’s why it stopped working. In a minute I hear RM saying to him and giving him something. I look over and he gave him a dollar to get something with why we were there if he wanted too.  He cheered up some then.

After we left there we stopped at Mc Donald’s and got lunch when we got back up by his house. Then I dropped him and the boys off at home. He asked me what I was going to do now. I told him nothing soon to be ex was going to be taking the kids for the night. He asked me to come back and have dinner. I took the kids home got a shower and changed and went back up for dinner. His mom step dad and the woman next to him all ended up being there. He said I’m so sorry I was trying to get rid of them before you came. His mom and step dad live in the same apartments he does. It wasn’t bad they were all nice. After we had dinner they took the boys and went home so it was just us there together.

We talked all night just about. It got to be about 2am I told him I better go so he could get some sleep and I needed to get home. He said he knew but just went on. I started getting tired after a while. I should have left but I really didn’t want to. It was so nice to just sit there talk and be with him. He said you could stay I said I can’t I don’t like not being there when the kids get up. Because he stayed at my house with them because he was just sitting with them until I got home. I still never got home until the next morning. We just sat there talking all night.

Then Sunday after noon he brought the boat over to our friends house a block a way from me finally. We met over there and we went to the park. We just took the 4 older kids with us this time. They played at the park for about 4 hours. We walked the trail and talked then they played for a while. They had to climb the trees and then wanted to play soccer. We ended up being the last ones there and went back to play on the swings and things for a bit.

Even at the park he played with the kids and things. Elisha was playing pirates and he took his sunglasses and took a lines out and gave them to him so he could have his “pirate patch” he thought that was great. We got home after we dropped them back off and he said ha ha I keep their daddy’s glasses. I told him when I was talking to him later. He laughed said he wasn’t worried about it they were his fishing glasses just let him keep them.

When I dropped him off after the park he was standing there at my window talking to me. He said he was parking the truck and going to start driving the car again. He don’t like driving the truck because it isn’t his. Then he said he was going to have to find him another truck he hated driving the car. He said well I guess I am going to have to look for a bigger truck then what I normally get now with all the kids I’m going to be hauling around lol.

He keeps saying you know all this is so different from when I dated in the past and things just feel different this time. He says I’m just so confused because it is so soon to have all these feelings I’m not sure what to think. He keeps telling me I think I like you. I think I more than like you but it’s just to good I keep waiting for things to change. I told him he didn’t have to worry about that what you see if just how it is nothing is going to change. Then when he went home he text me and said my mom and step dad said im in love and happy I smile more the last week than I do ever and I’m always on the phone with you. I told him I wasn’t going anywhere but that I wanted to talk things slow. That I had rushed into what I am in now and that I didn’t want to end up with things like they are now because  I rushed things and that it was different now because of the kids. He said he understood and felt the same way. I guess we shall see.

I took my sister and brother in law to the doctor today and ended up waiting forever for them. Why I was waiting the guy I been talking to the last few nights texted and called me for a bit. I will call him RM. He asked me when he was going to see me again. I told him that I had tonight and maybe Sunday after noon free. So then he asked me why I didn’t come up his way tonight. I told him I could do that what did he want to do. He said he wanted to cook me dinner. We talked for a bit and I thought about him telling me that he cooks for him mom and her husband and things most nights too. They live in the same complex and they help him with the kids and things. So he cooks for them. I really wasn’t into meeting the mom and all that tonight. His kids would be fine but enough also. I asked him who’s going to be there for dinner tonight. He said you and if you bring your kids and. I said I’m not going to bring them they can go with their dad tonight. He said then just me and you. He could have still had his kids there but I figured they would go over to his moms.

It took them forever at the doctor and then we had to make a few stops. I was supposed to bring a jack and things from my house to my sisters for my mom and her husband to use to take the tranny out of her truck. I forgot it. Right before we got home I they were calling saying they were there. I had to make another stop and found out the jack wasn’t at my house it was at my dads. I asked soon to be ex to go get it and bring it to my sisters. This way I wasn’t going out of my way and he had to go right by there to get the kids from school.

I dropped them off and he got there right after us. I was going to go home and my mom insisted I go get the kids something at Mc Donalds because she had gotten something on the way there didn’t know all the kids were going to be there. I figured I may as well I wouldn’t have to bring them home and feed them give me a little time to get ready. Wrong I get home and we are sitting there and she looks at soon to be ex an says will you go out there and see if he needs any help. I knew when she did he would be there til the job was done. I don’t want her to be in the middle of anything or know anything about all this. She already said something the other day to someone who started a bunch of trouble. I don’t tell my mom anything or talk to her about anything we are not close.

The kids were getting cranky and rowdy so I loaded them up and brought them home. Called him and told him I couldn’t make it. He told me he was making more than enough to come and bring the kids, I had to tell him no 😦 . I feel it is just to soon to bring the kids into things. And he said he understood completely and respected me for that. I think that was kind of a test to see what I would do because I had told him the other day and today I wasn’t going to bring them along if we met up and did stuff until I felt more sure about where things were going. I think he just wanted to see if it came down to something like this if I would still be the same or just bring them and go just to get to see him. Like I told him they are all I have and if it means upsetting some people I have to do what I feel is right by them and for them. I don’t feel it is right to drag them into something with someone I just met and have only seen once for an hour in person. I really wanted to go see him tonight and talk to him in person. There is something I want to talk to him about that could change the way things go from here or put a stop to everything. I didn’t want to try and talk why chasing the kids around and all that.

I was rather surprised when I got home with the kids there was a box at the door. The kids looked at it and said oh it’s for you mom and walked in the house past it. I don’t think in the 5 or 6 years we have been in this house I have ever gotten a package like that. I look and it is from proflowers. I get in get all them in and everything put down. Go back out get them and put the box on the bed and open it. there were two dozen red roses and a vase. I wasn’t sure who they were from there was no name on the box. I open the card and they were from my mom. I was very shocked and surprised when I seen that. They are very pretty.


I feel like I have been so busy the last week or so and looking back thinking about it I can’t really think of with what. Just so much little stuff here and there been trying to catch up on. Looking for places to move and helping out a friend. I took my dad some places and things too. The last two days I have spent A LOT of time on the phone.

But one good thing did happen. Why I was over talking to my friend and helping him out the last week or so I asked him if he had any friends that were single and decent lol. He started out telling me no or that the ones he had weren’t any good. Different times we would be talking and joking around I would say something about finding me one of his friends. So the other night I was over there and he asked me how I felt about something I said it just depends on the person and how they are like everyone else. We went on talking and in a little bit I got up and came home. Then I thought about him asking me that so I text him and ask him why he asked me that and he said he had this one friend. I said what makes him not a loser like you say the rest of your friends are or what makes him more special than the other losers or something like that. He said he’s just not and that was it and we stopped talking.

Tuesday I was out with my dad and soon to be ex taking care of things. We all had to go to a bunch of the same places so we went together. On the way to pick up my big boy from school I got a call and it was my friend. He said hey I talked to my friend about you and he said to give you his number tell you to call him. I said I can’t talk but he can text me if he wants too. Then he said he is probably going to send you a friends request. When I got where I was going I went on to see if he was on there and he had. Then he sent me his number and things. I sent him mine. Later I got a call and had to go to my dads unexpectely. On the way there he sent me a message on facebook. I got it an replied and we talked like that here and there for a while. then he said he was off work could he call me. Of course I said yes lol. It was kind of awkward talking with soon to be ex there and my dad and a friend of ours. But I talked to him until we got in the truck  to go home then I asked him if he would mind calling me back later or if I could call him back after i got the kids in bed.

He did and we talked for hours. We have talked off and on all day today and talked for hours tonight. He said he had to come over to our friends house around the corner from me today after work he would like to meet me in person. I said ok buy I couldn’t stay long because I was going to try and go to church . Then he said well what if I come tomorrow so I said ok. Then today he tells me he has to go over to the Island and do something and he is going to be stopping over there . He got over there and then our friend wasn’t home. He text me said he was heading back home. I told him I was in the store but that I would be passing his house in a bit on the way home. So he waited and I stopped over and we sat and talked for over an hour until the baby started to get mad and want out of his seat. He called me later after he got home and we talked. He wants to go out tomorrow once he gets the boat dropped off to our friends house. He wants to get together Saturday and do something before I have to go to Jacksonville that afternoon. We had been talking about me having to go up there when we first met and was talking. He asked when he called me if I was going to be going by myself and why I had to go. I told him no I had to take soon to be ex with me. He was disappointed he said he was going to offer to go with me. I thought that was pretty nice of him it is a drive and I am going up there for a hour maybe two and driving back home in the night.

I really like him already, he is really nice he has 3 boys and a girl. His two younger boys live with him. He goes to church and things. We have a lot of the same interest. He has made it very clear what he is and isn’t looking for and things. We have talked just about everything and anything. Few things we touched on but he changed the subject lol. Kind of cute he is a little shy when it comes to somethings. But that’s ok just give us something to talk about later right. He keeps saying where have you been. He is 3 years younger than me and I was kind of worried about that as I have never really dated younger guys. But he seems to really have it to together. It has been a good two days.

{March 14, 2012}   Stronger Than The Boys

My baby girl is so funny. She came home all excited the other day telling me. The boys at school said I’m the toughest girl they know and I am tougher than some of the boys. Because I would do stuff the boys were to scared to do.

I don’t know where she gets this from 😉 soon to be ex says he hopes it scares the boys for a longtime.

{March 11, 2012}   To Scared

I was laying on the bed today and my 6yr came in and started rubbing my legs. he said he was giving me a gassage (massage) he puts G for M not sure why. I said oh ok thanks that is sweet of you. I was thinking and I said do you give your girlfriend a massage? He said no I’m to scared. I said why what are you scared will happen if you give her a massage? He looked at me for a minute or two and said I don’t know I’m just to scared lol.

The other day him and my 8yr were talking and she said I love mommy this much. He said well I love you a 100 much and I love BB 100 much too.

The last time he was down to see his girlfriend he left his favorite toy in the world there. He has had it since he was a year old or less. When he noticed he left it there he was all upset. I said but it is ok he can stay with BB and she will take good care of him and love him just like you. You can give him to her and he could be hers now. She would think you really loved her if you did that. He said um no I need him back he is mine I love him. I said but don’t you want to make her happy and show her that you really love her too. He said he loves me and I need him back he has to come home. He started to get upset so then I told him her mom found it and they wouldn’t let anything happen to it we would get it next time we went down.A few days later we were down there and helped them move and he got him back he was so happy. He said she gave him back and she still loves me. See it’s ok.

{March 9, 2012}   How I Got The Grass Mowed

I have to share a funny story I thought of today. First I have to say there really isn’t anything I won’t say and not much that I won’t do. Get me mad and forget it.

Back around September I had asked soon to be ex to mow the yard. I asked a few different days made commonts about it as we got in and out of the truck. Talked to him about doing it later in the evening just before dark or right after he took the kids to school so it wouldn’t be so hot. This went on for about a month and it still hadn’t been mowed. I said something about it one day and he then called me from work and said that there was going to be a guy coming by to mow the yard. Not to worry about paying him he worked a deal out with him at work. Ok whatever as long as it gets mowed and I didn’t have to put money out I really didn’t have to get it done. He calls that after noon and asked if the guy came by or not. I told him no. I really never thought he was going to any way didn’t sound like a very good deal and it just seemed like it was the guys way of getting something for free. He just said oh it don’t get dark for a while maybe he will be there in a bit probably had to finish his customers first for the day.

I really didn’t think the guy was going to show and knew now that he wasn’t going to cut it anytime soon. It was already knee high just about. I heard someone cutting a yard around me so I went out to see who it was. There was a guy with a lawn crew at the empty house next to me doing the yard. I walked over and talk to him and got him to cut ours why he was at it and paid him.

I was mad at soon to be ex for letting it get that bad and for having to pay someone to do it when I could have used the money for other things. On top of it all I had to pay way more than if he had just said look i’m not going to do it pay someone to start with. Because it had gotten so high and out of hand. So when soon to be ex called back then to tell me he was going to be working late because he looked at his hours wrong once again. I told him oh by the way don’t worry about the yard I had it cut. He wanted to know how. I told him the guy who was cutting the grass at the empty house did it for me. He wanted to know how much that cost me. I said nothing I got him to do it for free basically. Of course he wanted to know how I did that.

I told him that I flashed him and let him grab my tits so I didn’t have to pay him. Freaked out what did you do that for I can’t believe you would do that I told you I would cut it. I said hey don’t get so bent out of shape and mad at least now you don’t have to do it and it didn’t cost you anything to get it cut. That’s not the point blah blah blah he went on. I said look I thought you would be happy you didn’t have to do it you have been working so hard and that it would be even better that you didn’t have to pay to have it done. I said go ask the other guys at work if they would be mad if they would be mad if their wives got the grass cut and it didn’t cost them anything. He said I’m sure they would be if they did that. I said I bet they wouldn’t since they didn’t have to do it. He was still going on and I just said look I have other things to do I am not going to listen to you have a fit the rest of the night. What is done is done. Oh and he said that he would stop in the next time he was over there and see if I needed the yard done again since he don’t have set dates he comes. Talk to you later bye.

He gets his friend to bring him home that evening since he had to work late and I told him him I wasn’t coming to get him because the kids would be in bed. If he had told me before I could have given him the truck and we wouldn’t have had that problem. His friend gets out when they get here to put water in his car. I said hey he can even get to the water hose now that I had the grass cut. We said something about it. I said what they are just boobs. We are all adults we all know that the other has different parts and I’m pretty sure we all have seen the other sex naked and felt them up before. His friend just kind of acted like he was not hearing what was going on shook his head and smiled. Soon to be ex was standing there going on about how could I do that to myself and all this. I said man I wonder what other things I could get done with a little flash and grab. I thought his friend was going to die trying not to laugh and at the same time looked so shocked.

I never thought he would ask them about it at work because he would not want them to know I did it or that I did it because he didn’t cut it. There were one or two there I figured he may ask off to the side. One is a friend of mine that I have known all our life and then another guy he talked to. But he asked this other guy and a new guy that had just started they were the only ones there. He said they just laughed at him. By the next day it was all over the shop about his wife and what she did. I didn’t care I thought it was funny and he deserved it for not cutting it for a month or more why I asked. I never told but one person that I really didn’t do that and that I paid the guy to mow the yard.

Let me tell you after that even when he didn’t live here if I said the lest little thing about the grass needing cut he was out there johnny on the spot cutting it. It didn’t matter if he had just got off work or if he had to go in to work in a hour or so. I would look for him and he would be gone. When I found him he was out there mowing the yard. To bad it don’t work anymore because it needs to be done so bad and he is back to his I will do it later or tomorrow and it hasn’t happen. Maybe I should tell him the yard guy should be coming back around in a few days and see what happens.



I think the most important thing is a relationship is respect, aside from having feelings for the person. If you have respect for the person you are with the rest will come naturally. You are going to want to do things with that person and care about them you’ll want to be honest with them. You won’t want to hurt them or see them upset.

I think what hurts a relationship when it comes to respect are that men and women look at respect like a lot of things much different than each other.

I use to tell soon to be ex all the time you have no respect for me and he would say yes I do. Then name off all this stuff that he did. Some I never asked him to do or told him I would take care of myself.

When I think of respect I am thinking of things like, calling them before they are on their way to pick you up from work to it’s going to be another hour. Or even better telling them after they get there 10 more minutes and it turning into an hour or more. Doing what you tell them you are going to do not changing your mind and doing nothing or doing something else instead. Not talking about them to all the guys at work and making them look at them like they are a bitch every time they pick you up or drop you off. Not letting people talk about her or to her like she is dirt even if it is her family or yours. Who are you in this relationship with them or her?

Respect is thinking more of her and her feelings more than anyone else’s. Not putting everyone else first because your worried about what everyone else is going to say or think about. Yes she is your wife and yes she should understand things and forgive things but only so much and so many times. Accidents happen but they don’t repeat their self over and over again every time something comes up.

Most of all respect yourself because if you don’t truly respect yourself you won’t be able to truly respect her or anyone else.

{March 8, 2012}   Moving On

I have thought about moving on for a while now. But everyone I talk to says oh you don’t want to jump right back into a relationship you want to take time for yourself time to heal time to be alone. There is nothing wrong with being alone and any number of other things they can think of. Let me just start by saying I am not co dependent or scared to be along like they are all thinking or trying to make it sound. I have been ready to move on and find someone new for a while now.

I have taken time to heal and to be alone and to figure out what I want in a relationship. I had a year to do that. Even though we weren’t split and living apart for the last two years we have not had a relationship either. He was at work all the time and when he was here we didn’t talk or spend time together. Even when we went places together it was more like friends. Other than just being there together and the kids being with us most people probably wouldn’t think we were a couple. I have had guys talk to me when we were out because they didn’t think we were a couple. Even at home we fought more than anything. It  got to where I stayed in my room and him and the kids did whatever in the rest of the house. If we talked it was what are we doing about his or that with the kids.

At that time I went through the being being depressed I stop talking to most everyone stopped doing a lot of the things that I use to do with the kids and their friends. I stayed home as much as I could and did very little. A few times I went through being angry because he wouldn’t listen because he would say he was going to fix things an didn’t. I went through being angry at myself for a while and still bounce back and forth with that. For staying when I knew I should have left sooner, for not being able to do the things I want to do with my kids. At first I tried talking to him about it and telling him we are in trouble lets work on things. When that didn’t work I went to begging him to please do these things why he didn’t want to or wouldn’t. Then I just came to this peace about things and decided that I can’t fix things by myself I can’t make him change and I can’t live this way so now I have to do what is best for me and my kids. That I was tired of being lonely unhappy and not having someone who cared about me. If he wasn’t going to be the man he was supposed to be and once was then I was ok with moving on and finding someone to treat me the way I deserve to be treated and deserve to be treated that way without begging someone to treat me that way.

Who says that you have to be split up and living in two different homes to go through this? The fact that I have already done this is why I can walk a way so Easley and not be upset and unhappy because we are not together. That is why I can say I am ready to move on and be in another relationship.

I am friends with a lot of my ex’s from the past. He always use to say how can you be friends with them isn’t there ever that thought of getting back with them or don’t you have some kind of feelings for them now and then. I always said no we are just friends that’s it. It bothered him a lot when we first got together but he slowly got use to it and it isn’t like we hang out and talk all the time. We talk on-line every now and again or we might run into each other somewhere but that’s about it. But I have always been that way with relationships and guys. I was never one that oh my god he broke up with me I’m going to die or anything like that. It was ok we broke up for whatever reason and that’s just that. I think that’s why i didn’t get along with a lot of girls either because I didn’t care when they broke up with their guy and really didn’t want to hear about it. I always look at it as oh well I got/had that one and I have had others and there will be others. Life is too short to waste crying over someone who don’t want to be with you. And really why do you want to be with someone who don’t want to be with you any way? I know I don’t. There is only one guy I ever dated from my past that I would ever consider dating again but things were different with us. I should say would have ever he passed a way a few years ago. Other than that I can honestly say there is no one I ever dated that I would consider dating again.

I never really understood why I could just walk a way so easy and not be bothered by it either. But after dealing with this the last few years and really thinking about it the last few months I think I under stand now why I have always been that way. I am one who as long as I have feelings for someone will stick with them through anything and everything as long as they treat me right. Even if things seem like they are starting to not go good for whatever reason I will stick with them and try to figure out why and if we can fix it. But then I will get to a point that it just seems like it can’t be fixed or that they don’t want to fix it or it just wasn’t meant to be for whatever reasons. By that time I usually have lost what feelings there was there for that person. Once I get the point that I feel there is nothing to do but live with it or walk a way I have to decide if it is something I can live with and want to live with or not. If it isn’t then I can just as easily walk a way knowing that I did everything I could to try to make things work. And I can do so ready to move on and be in another relationship if i so choose to be. But you know most the time I don’t. I have never really been one to jump out of one relationship into another even if I am ready. Because I don’t just want to be with who ever is there at the time or whatever. I want to be in a relationship that seems like it is going somewhere. Most of the relationships I have been in have been long-term 2 years or more.

It just seems so hard for people to understand how you could be in a relationship or a marriage for 9 years no less and walk out and be ready to move on like nothing ever happen. I am also one that shares my feeling an emotions with very few people. I always have a smile and everything is always fine or great. Even as I went through all this very few people really knew anything was going on and only a couple even had an idea of how bad it really was. It has only been since he has moved out have I told two how bad it has truly affected me and how bad it had gotten. One was the guy I was talking to for a short time and the other was a friend that I have gotten close to. She keeps saying oh you two can work it out and it is hard but you two are so good together and things. I told her the other night things and she was surprised.

et cetera
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