{March 8, 2012}   Moving On

I have thought about moving on for a while now. But everyone I talk to says oh you don’t want to jump right back into a relationship you want to take time for yourself time to heal time to be alone. There is nothing wrong with being alone and any number of other things they can think of. Let me just start by saying I am not co dependent or scared to be along like they are all thinking or trying to make it sound. I have been ready to move on and find someone new for a while now.

I have taken time to heal and to be alone and to figure out what I want in a relationship. I had a year to do that. Even though we weren’t split and living apart for the last two years we have not had a relationship either. He was at work all the time and when he was here we didn’t talk or spend time together. Even when we went places together it was more like friends. Other than just being there together and the kids being with us most people probably wouldn’t think we were a couple. I have had guys talk to me when we were out because they didn’t think we were a couple. Even at home we fought more than anything. It  got to where I stayed in my room and him and the kids did whatever in the rest of the house. If we talked it was what are we doing about his or that with the kids.

At that time I went through the being being depressed I stop talking to most everyone stopped doing a lot of the things that I use to do with the kids and their friends. I stayed home as much as I could and did very little. A few times I went through being angry because he wouldn’t listen because he would say he was going to fix things an didn’t. I went through being angry at myself for a while and still bounce back and forth with that. For staying when I knew I should have left sooner, for not being able to do the things I want to do with my kids. At first I tried talking to him about it and telling him we are in trouble lets work on things. When that didn’t work I went to begging him to please do these things why he didn’t want to or wouldn’t. Then I just came to this peace about things and decided that I can’t fix things by myself I can’t make him change and I can’t live this way so now I have to do what is best for me and my kids. That I was tired of being lonely unhappy and not having someone who cared about me. If he wasn’t going to be the man he was supposed to be and once was then I was ok with moving on and finding someone to treat me the way I deserve to be treated and deserve to be treated that way without begging someone to treat me that way.

Who says that you have to be split up and living in two different homes to go through this? The fact that I have already done this is why I can walk a way so Easley and not be upset and unhappy because we are not together. That is why I can say I am ready to move on and be in another relationship.

I am friends with a lot of my ex’s from the past. He always use to say how can you be friends with them isn’t there ever that thought of getting back with them or don’t you have some kind of feelings for them now and then. I always said no we are just friends that’s it. It bothered him a lot when we first got together but he slowly got use to it and it isn’t like we hang out and talk all the time. We talk on-line every now and again or we might run into each other somewhere but that’s about it. But I have always been that way with relationships and guys. I was never one that oh my god he broke up with me I’m going to die or anything like that. It was ok we broke up for whatever reason and that’s just that. I think that’s why i didn’t get along with a lot of girls either because I didn’t care when they broke up with their guy and really didn’t want to hear about it. I always look at it as oh well I got/had that one and I have had others and there will be others. Life is too short to waste crying over someone who don’t want to be with you. And really why do you want to be with someone who don’t want to be with you any way? I know I don’t. There is only one guy I ever dated from my past that I would ever consider dating again but things were different with us. I should say would have ever he passed a way a few years ago. Other than that I can honestly say there is no one I ever dated that I would consider dating again.

I never really understood why I could just walk a way so easy and not be bothered by it either. But after dealing with this the last few years and really thinking about it the last few months I think I under stand now why I have always been that way. I am one who as long as I have feelings for someone will stick with them through anything and everything as long as they treat me right. Even if things seem like they are starting to not go good for whatever reason I will stick with them and try to figure out why and if we can fix it. But then I will get to a point that it just seems like it can’t be fixed or that they don’t want to fix it or it just wasn’t meant to be for whatever reasons. By that time I usually have lost what feelings there was there for that person. Once I get the point that I feel there is nothing to do but live with it or walk a way I have to decide if it is something I can live with and want to live with or not. If it isn’t then I can just as easily walk a way knowing that I did everything I could to try to make things work. And I can do so ready to move on and be in another relationship if i so choose to be. But you know most the time I don’t. I have never really been one to jump out of one relationship into another even if I am ready. Because I don’t just want to be with who ever is there at the time or whatever. I want to be in a relationship that seems like it is going somewhere. Most of the relationships I have been in have been long-term 2 years or more.

It just seems so hard for people to understand how you could be in a relationship or a marriage for 9 years no less and walk out and be ready to move on like nothing ever happen. I am also one that shares my feeling an emotions with very few people. I always have a smile and everything is always fine or great. Even as I went through all this very few people really knew anything was going on and only a couple even had an idea of how bad it really was. It has only been since he has moved out have I told two how bad it has truly affected me and how bad it had gotten. One was the guy I was talking to for a short time and the other was a friend that I have gotten close to. She keeps saying oh you two can work it out and it is hard but you two are so good together and things. I told her the other night things and she was surprised.

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