I hadn’t really been looking for anyone else since me and soon to be ex split up. I did what I did with the one but that has been it. I had kind of decided to wait until I had at least filed for the Divorce and gotten that on it’s way. But considering I have no idea how long that will take and the fact that I was ready to move on a year ago. That isn’t working out for me. I am not looking to jump into anything major right off the bat or even to have someone to be intimate with or whatever you want to call it. I just want to find someone to talk to to be close to and just see how things go from there.

But it is down right scary out there anymore. Like I told my friend when we were talking the other night about the the guys around us. a) they make your skin crawl just looking from across the room. b) look good until they start to speak. c) way to young d) in trouble. Don’t forget taken and happy or taken and trying to step out. My family all the way around are known here, all three sides have been here forever. It really don’t seem like that small of a county but when you get out there and start talking to people everyone knows everyone, That don’t help either.

Soon to be ex has been telling me how he signed up for this dating site and how he got emails from a few different people. I know others who have went on them or who still do. But I just can’t see how people can go on sites like them and meet people like that. Not that there is anything wrong with it or the people that do. But I just can’t bring myself to just randomly pick some stranger off a page and contact them and say hey lets talk or do you want to go out. I don’t know why I find this to be such a big deal? But I do I can go up to a guy if I’m out and talk to him and things if I like him. I don’t know what it is I can’t put my finger on just one thing that bothers me about it. It just does.

I have never pulled one up and looked at it so I decided to just see what it was all about and how good or bad it really was. It wasn’t as bad as I expected.

First off if you are on there looking for a girl why you going to put a picture of you with some other girl all wrapped around you? What are you trying to prove and to who? To me that says still hung up on someone else and not ready to move on.

Then you have the women on there it says they are 40 something and you can clearly tell that the picture is a shot from when she was like 20. Looks like she is high school even. Did you really age that bad that you have to get them to talk to you with what you use to look like and hope that once they talk to you they won’t care when they meet you?

Then you have the pussy stretcher come on really what kind of response are you expecting to get from that?

That is just what I seen looking threw the pages at everyone. Then I decided to click into a few and see what that was like.

Most have one little line of something they have said about them self or what they are looking for. then there is the area where you answer the questioner about yourself. It looks like this.

It has height body type, hair color, and ethnicity. Most people answer these questions. Then it gets over and ask Marital Status, Religion, Have Children, want children, smokes, drinks.

How does anyone not know if they are married? That is pretty simple yes or no answer. Ladies if you don’t know if you have kids or not I think finding a date is the least of your problems. I don’t know about the rest of you but I know that sure isn’t something I will be forgetting anytime soon or later for that matter.

Why would you put no answer or don’t know for all or most of these? It isn’t like you wrote anything about yourself then you don’t want to give even this basic info either. Seems like they have stuff to hide.

Over all it really was better than what I expected it to be. It was like everything else you are going to have good and your going to have some bad or crazy. But the good seemed to out way the bad on this site.

And I do have to say I did see three guys that seemed like someone I would really like to talk to. But I still can’t bring myself to sign up and contact them.

As I write this and think about the three guys I did see on there that I was interested in I think I have figured out two of the biggest things that bother me about something like this. One is that a lot of the people you find are a couple hours or more a way. And the fact I have no idea who I am really talking too. Seems different talking to a stranger I meet out somewhere as to just some random person online. I don’t know where I would even start if I did sign up and contacted them. I just find it much easier to talk to people face to face I guess.

{March 5, 2012}   Who’s Mind Are You On

Depressing to think that the one whose mind is on you is not the one your mind is on and the one who is on your mind probably hasn’t had you on theirs. And the only one doing any talking is the one who blew it already.

{March 4, 2012}   As Long As You Have Underwear

I want to my women’s meeting today and when I got home it is dinner time. I tell my older two to decide what they would like to have for dinner and let me know. They want to go to Mc Donald’s eat in and play. They been hanging around the house all day and have not bothered to get dress. So I said ok we can do that go get ready.

6 year old says: I want to go in my pj pants and t-shirt (what he is standing there in at the time.)

Me: You can’t do that you need to go get some clothes on.

6yr: What I got underwear on.

Me: So as long as you have underwear on you can wear whatever you want when you go out?

6yr: Yeah!! Why Not

Me: No you can’t now go get dressed.

I wonder if that is what some of these people I see out in public think. That as long as they have underwear on it don’t matter what they are wearing. Because some of them I see out places I really don’t know why they could be thinking to wear that in public. But this would explain a lot.

{March 3, 2012}   Disappointed

TMI and adult content!!!!

I did something yesterday/this morning I still can’t believe I done and am still disappointed in myself for doing. I keep trying to tell myself I did it for the right reasons and really I didn’t. If I did I would have left it alone yesterday and not did what I did this morning that it isn’t as bad as what I could have done. but the truth is as bad as it may sound I would not be upset with my self and feel the way I do if I had done what I could have done and not what I done. Does that make sense or have I confused you? I confused myself for a mine. Mind thinking faster than I can type sometimes.

Me and soon to be ex have not had sex in like 10 months or more. I have really lost count but I know it has been close to a year because I told him this time last year I wanted him to leave and we tried a few times after that but didn’t. Of course this is one of the things he brings up to me all the time. Telling me how much he wants me and wants to be back with me. How it drives him crazy and how jealous he is that I was with someone else shortly after we broke up. I tell him he don’t miss me and want me back he just wants sex and that is it. He says it isn’t that way. Even when we have had major problems the last couple years it was like the only thing he cared and thought about was sex. It didn’t matter if we had fought or had fought for three days straight we could go to bed and he would act like nothing ever happen and be all over me wanting sex. A lot of times in the be gaining I would just do it to get it over and get him to leave me alone. But we still weren’t together as much as we use to be.

After a while it got to where it didn’t feel good at all. It wasn’t comfortable and I couldn’t just lay there and let him hurry up and get it over. If he even tried to touch me in that way I would flinch and want to get up off the bed and run. It got to be so bad that even if we were just out or doing something at the house and he tried to hug me or touch me on the back or shoulder I would flinch up and tense up. He noticed but it didn’t stop him from trying at night when we went to bed. He would say I feel terrible but he didn’t feel bad enough to stop. Until finally I just couldn’t do it anymore and told him that was it we were not having sex again unless things changed between us and that if we didn’t we wouldn’t at all. He didn’t seem to care or notice that before we even finished I would be in tears.

He has been begging me again to give him another chance and for us to get back together. But what he says and what he does are two different things by far. I keep telling him actions really do say more than words. He says no that’s not true and blah blah blah. But when you sit here and tell me I want to get back together and in the same breath tell how you have been online trying to meet other women. That don’t say I want to get back together. He says well you keep telling me no so I am just looking. I say if this is what you want then you would be spending the time trying to fix things and convince me to stay. Not doing the same old shit and looking for other women on top of it.

He knows it is hard for me because of the kids and I can’t stand that things turned out this way because of them. I stayed last year as long as I did because I was hoping that we could work it out if nothing else for them. So he thinks that he can wear me down or convince me things are different. Even if they aren’t if he can make it seem that way until he gets me to say yes, then he can keep me around for a while and if I decide to leave he could talk me into staying again on the grown he is going to fix things again and we will just go in this circle until one of us dies. He has said this to me just not in so many words and tries to make it sound better.

I won’t lie I had wanted it but I had not said anything or let on no mater how much he talked about it. I didn’t want it with him. But he was talking yesterday and telling me how he wanted to get back together how I am his everything and all this. I wasn’t buying it. He started messing around and I should have stopped him as soon as it started but I didn’t. But after a bit I just couldn’t do it and made him stop. I thought maybe just maybe if we got together there would be some kind of feelings there. Even though I really didn’t think so. But then I just couldn’t do it as bad as I wanted it. I figured what the hell even if there wasn’t nothing there I got what I wanted.

I was up all night talking to a friend off and on and talking to him. He started again. I went with it and after a while we ended up having sex. It was still hard for me at first and he even asked me if someone had done something to me to make things this way. He can’t see that things between us and us doing it just to get it over is what did this. But I can say that I am truly done and there are no feelings for him what so ever. Haven’t been in a very long time and never will be again.

But now I am so upset with myself for doing it as hard as it was. I got nothing out of it because as soon as I started too I felt horrible and started crying. I can’t enjoy it with him even if I’m not expecting anything more out of it but sex. I can’t explain how I feel for doing it. I just don’t feel good about it at all.

There isn’t really anyone I want to be with really. I have had plenty of offers even before he was gone and a few standing if I wanted too. I did get with DK but that didn’t turn out. If I had done something like that again last night instead of doing what I done with him I wouldn’t have thought twice about it. I know that sounds bad probably but it’s the truth.

Disappointed don’t even describe how I feel right now.

This is why the Why Do We Self Sabotage post came from.

Christmas came and went and it was the next day when I was supposed to go over to spend some time with DK and his daughter and we were going to talk. He ended up with an extra kid for the night and had to take them home when his brother got home from work. So we decided I would come over after that. Would be better to for us if we wanted to talk to because she would be going to bed. I went to my sisters and was hanging out with her and her daughter we were all playing the wii and stuff. until he was home. I was tired of being in the house and depressed I had to go do something.

Then he text me and they got broke down on their way home. They were stuck on the side of the high way. I asked him if they had someone coming to help and told him I had plenty of room for everyone and I could tow the car home if they wanted too. He said thanks but not to worry about it they had someone on there way to help them and they were going to take care of the car. They ended up fixing the car there where it was at and didn’t get home until really late. I told him I would come over if he wanted me too but that another day would be fine with me. We both had been up all night Christmas Eve and got up early Christmas and was up until really late and here it was the next day and 12am again. I was tired and I knew he was too because he isn’t use to being up late like that and not days in a row. He said yeah he had gotten her in bed and he was falling a sleep talking.

the next few days went by and we never did get together. We would talk here and there for a minute or two and that was about it. He was off for the week and had a bunch of stuff to take care of or something. I don’t know. He would say maybe tonight or tomorrow I’m sorry and nothing is going right. I asked him once or twice to call me instead of text for a minute or two. I just wanted to talk to him about something and it was easier to talk to him than try to explain it through text. we would get off on something else or he would say in a little bit and he never did. The last day I talked to him he said he was going to be cleaning all day and going through stuff at the house and things. Trying to make things easier to keep up with when they went back to work. His brother has 6 kids that are in and out and his idea of picked up and cleaned is different than what he does with him and his daughter. I had the kids here with me that day for a while and then they went back to their dads. I wanted to go get a pizza but knew I wouldn’t eat it all. Ok I probably would but didn’t want to or need too lol. I decided I would get one and take over there and he wouldn’t have to worry about stopping and making dinner since it was getting to be that time. Or he could just eat and relax if he was done. But I wanted to see who all was there before I just popped in. I didn’t want to show up with enough pizza for three people if there were 7 others there. Just wouldn’t work when 6 of them are kids. I couldn’t sit down and eat in front of them. I text and he didn’t reply. I waited a while and text again then asked him what he was doing if something was wrong. Because he hadn’t really said much at all that day. He replied back and said no dam it I am just busy and don’t have time to sit and talk on the phone all fucking day. I was very surprised and shocked to say the least. This was not like him at all. He never says anything out of the way or anything like that even if he is mad about something. I knew something was up. I felt like something had been going on all week that he was trying to deal with but he wasn’t telling me. I really didn’t think it was anything to do with me or with us or that he was trying to put me off or avoid me at all.

But that just hit the wrong nerve with me and I went off. I told him I was sorry I bothered him and that he wouldn’t have to worry about it I wouldn’t bother him any more for anything. I said a lot more too. Like how it seemed he had been avoiding me and he talks about being open and honest up front with people and that was sure a lie. That he calls me over there a week or more ago and tells me all this and then leaves it up in the air and that it seemed to me that he had changed his mind or never really meant the stuff he had said but wasn’t man enough to tell me and all kinds of stuff more.

All the while I didn’t really feel that way deep down in my heart I really didn’t feel he was avoiding me at all. I felt he probably had something going on either with his brother and his kids he was trying to help take care of or something with his daughter and her mother and her family that had to be handled. But like I said I was very upset and very depressed. I was mad at soon to be ex and we had been fighting. He is the one I was really mad at and even though I had told him I still hadn’t gotten it all out. My grandma died years ago on my birthday. I was very close to her and It has gotten to where most years I am ok now. I think of her but it isn’t as up setting to me. But with everything going on I was really missing her and wishing she was here to talk too. I had no one else I felt I could talk too about any of it but him and he was busy. Soon to be ex was good for we will talk later or do this later and later never came. So that didn’t help either. I was just feeling so hurt and alone. I let that little voice in my head speak instead of listening to my heart. I am bad about doing that. This year my goal is to listen to my feelings and things way more than I listen to my head. I have listen to my head and done what it said for years and things have not been good for me. Just everyone else.

I knew he was already dealing with something and if I text him anymore it was going to make things worse. I went online and wrote him a email. I told him everything that I wasn’t trying to be nasty and that I wasn’t trying to make him mad or upset him. But that I was also dealing with stuff and had a lot going on and that I didn’t really feel he was doing that stuff that I just let the what if or whatever you want to call it get the best of me. I never heard anything back. We have talked a few times here and there and that’s about it. It is kind of awkward when we do talk. I have heard different things here and there but we really aren’t talking now. I feel so bad because like I said before I never just say that kind of thing. I have tried to work it out or at least say i’m sorry. Not really for anything more than I just miss just being friends if nothing else. He really is a great guy and a good person and enjoyed talking to him and hanging out. Oh well nothing I can do I have said sorry and everything else. Maybe in time. I also told him that he forgot I lived with the king of we will talk later and later never came.

{March 3, 2012}   Confessions

As I said in my post Let’s Give Them Something To Talk About since I soon to be ex moved out I have been with someone else. I really wasn’t looking for anyone to have a relationship with or to even hook up with. Then a guy I knew from the past found me on Facebood and we started talking. He was just getting separated from his wife at the time. We were in kind of the same boat and we could relate. I was asking him about filing for the divorce and things too. He has filed for one a year or so before but then took her back. Trying to work things out for the baby.

We hung out a few times and just talked and watched movies and hung out with his daughter. Then things just kind of happen and we ended up hooking up when we felt like it. At first I figured I would feel guilty or bad about doing it because I was still married to soon to be ex even though we weren’t together and he wasn’t living with me. But I didn’t I still don’t feel guilty bad or sorry for what I done. I can’t say that I wouldn’t do it again with him if the chance came up.

Things just kind of stopped as quick as they started and we didn’t talk for a couple weeks. I wasn’t sure what was going on I tried to text and call him a few times but never got a response. Then it was like late the 23 early 24th of december he text me and asked if I was a wake and if he could call me. I am always up late and being the time it was I was rushing to get things done for Christmas. I was in the store with my sister getting last minute stuff. I told him I was in the store but he could call me if he didn’t mind. He did and I lost my sister and went to do what I had to do and we talked for a while. He said he had been thinking about me and he couldn’t get me out of his mind. He wanted to know what happen and why I had waited so long to call or text him after I left that night a few weeks ago.

I had went there and he wanted me to stay the night I had said ok. Well he goes to sleep way before I can even think about going to bed most nights. I liaded there and tried to sleep for a while and just couldn’t. His brother had people over and his kids there it was loud. I had a lot on my mind. I woke him up and just told him that I couldn’t sleep and would he be upset if I just went home and done some stuff that I needed to do. Since he was sleeping and it wasn’t even that late. I wasn’t made he was sleeping and understand he gets up early gets him and the baby ready and goes to work and comes home and does everything like the rest of us. I told him I could come back over in the morning and we could take her and go do something or we could hang out there and do something. He said that sounded good. He got up and walked me out to the truck and we talked for a few minutes and I left. I text him and told him that I didn’t know if I had told him but that I had a really good time that with him and her. We had went to a mall area and then stopped and got something to eat. He didn’t reply. I figured he had done went in and went back to sleep. The next day I texted again and didn’t get a reply. I said something a few times that day and never heard anything.

I then waited a few days and sent something and tried to call. He had been having some trouble with his phone so I figured that he was again because most the time he reply right back. Then I seen he had been online a few times and never sent me a message or said anything. I figured if his phone was broke he would have on there and I knew by the time he was on there he was at work and there for on his phone so it wasn’t broke. At that point I just said forget it I wasn’t playing games with him. If that is how he wanted to leave things that was fine with me. We didn’t go into it expecting anything more than what we had done.

When he text and wanted to call Christmas Eve I was a little surprised and wanted to see what he had to say. We talked until my phone was dead. He wanted to know why I hadn’t come back around and things. I told him I had tried to get back in touch with him but he never responded. He says he sent me a few messages but he never heard anything back for days. That was on how his wife would do she would be gone for days he wouldn’t hear from her. then when whoever she was with wasn’t in the picuter she would want to come home. Not a great reason but understandable. But at the same time if it was nothing more than what we were doing why would it matter? He then went on to tell me that he couldn’t stop thinking about it and about me and that he really liked me and wanted to get to “Know” me better and see where things went. We jumped around to a bunch of different stuff random back and forth. By this time it was late it was about 5am and I was supposed to have been home hours before. Soon to be ex was sitting with the kids so I could finish shopping. Here I had been at his house for about the last 6 hours or so. He wanted me to stay so we could talk more but I really had to go. He helped me carry stuff to the truck and we stood there and talked for a bit longer. I gave him a hug and we were standing there he wouldn’t let me go. I told him lets just go from there and not go weeks with out talking again. He laughed and said yeah. He was going to be gone Christmas so we said we would talk then and get together the next day.

We were both so busy Christmas but we text an talked a little and made plans that I was to come over the next day to hang out and talk.

et cetera
%d bloggers like this: