{April 17, 2012}   A Rock and A Hard Place

I am at a loss and have no idea what to do anymore. I have been applying for jobs like crazy trying to get something. I can put in 5 or 10 apps in a day. I go to check on them and they either tell me it has been filled or they will be going threw them and will call me if they are interested. Now soon to be ex got a job he goes at 445am to work and then never knows if he will be off at 12, 3 or sometime in between. He could watch the kids at night for me to work but I know how he is going to work at that time he will be passing out way before time for the kids to go to bed. He got off early today and picked them up from school and brought them home. Sat down here and one of the first things he said was I feel like I am going to pass out. If I get a job in the day time I have no one to watch the baby all day and then pick the other two up from school and take them to therapy and therapy riding and all that threw the week. Then if I have to be at work before they go to school to drive them to two different schools on top of it all. The money I would have to put out in gas alone would be insane. Then to pay them for their time to sit at all these places and wait for them and watch the other two who aren’t doing whatever it is that day. I wouldn’t do it for what I could afford to pay me.

RC wants to get a second job to help out but it isn’t his place he shouldn’t have to do that. That isn’t why I am with him. I can do it I just have to figure out how. I am so over hearing from everyone how I don’t have a job yet and things. I don’t have the help and things like a lot of people have from family and things. The only time I hear from my family is when they want or need something or when they want to tell me what a horrible job I’m doing with whatever it is I am trying to do at the time. Or how wrong I am for what I am doing. I have friends but they work or go to school or have kids of their own they have to run all over the place for. Most my friends have told me they wouldn’t do what I do and they only have one or two and don’t work or anything. I have been applying at jobs where if I got them I could pay daycare and things but I haven’t been getting called back. I would have decent hours and days and really good pay. Once I got started I could work something out for daycare and things. But since I haven’t gotten one of them I am going to have to take a job working in a store or something and I am not going to make hardly anything most of it will be paid out to daycare. I will have horrible hours and days. I have applied before places and they only have a few people working and need someone so bad. But then when you tell them you need  X day off or can come in at X time but then work until they close they tell you they cant hire you because you want X day off. If you are not open to work any hours any days they won’t hire you. This is the last little rut I have to get out of right now. I have gotten threw a lot and worked a lot of things out. This is the one last thing I need to get worked out and taken care of and it seems to be the hardest.

I am aggravated too because everyone says your not working blah blah. But then if I was working and my kids weren’t going to the things they needed to go to I would be the bad mom because I worked and my kids didn’t go to the therapy they should be going to. They weren’t in the schools where they could be getting the extra help or whatever. It’s bad when you are stuck in a situation like this. You need to be there to do what your kids need and at the same time you need to be able to work to provide for them. This is a place no parent should ever have to be but I am sure there are many more out there who unfortunately are.

{April 16, 2012}   Hurt

As I spent all day yesterday very down and depressed I fought the urges to say something and lash out at the ones who hurt me so. I truly don’t believe they ever meant to do it on purpuse or even know they did it. They know I am upset about something but they think it is same old things that have bothered me and something else. They aren’t sure if it has to do with them or not. I haven’t said a lot about it because it isn’t all them that I am mad at. It isn’t even them I am hurt the most by.

RC came over last night and was supposed to today and we were going to do something with all the kids. So I thought. I asked him if him and the kids wanted to go to church with me and the kids today we hadn’t been in a month or so and I wanted to go. He tells me then that he has somewhere to go. It bothered me but I just said ok and let it go. Then today he gets the boys and says he has to go. He says he isn’t going to do what he was supposed to but he still has to drop the kids off then he is going shopping for dinner and things. I thought when he got done with what they had to do this morning they were coming back here and we were all going to have dinner together. Now I am even more surprised and hurt. He then tells me where he will be if me and the kids want to come. I tell him I have no plans on making that trip today. He was going to be at his house. I have no money for another week and I have to save my gas for school and stuff for the kids. He then tosses some money down and says here you won’t spend your gas it will be what I paid for and Im not worried about it. Kind of made me mad at this point. I told him to take it that wasn’t what I was getting at and that I didn’t need his money nor did I want it. That I hadn’t plan to make that trip today. He then called me on the way to drop the boys and was talking and said something about dinner and if we wanted to come up for the day we could go in the pool and things. I told him again not to waste his time or money on dinner for us because we were not coming there today.

By this point I was mad and I was hurt. First when was he planing on telling me he had some place to go today? He had been here for hours when I said something and he told me. Second we don’t get to see each other because we aren’t that close. If I don’t have the kids I will go there on the weekend and then make the trip home each day to feed my dogs and things then go back. Other than that I try not to plan anything because I want to be able to spend time with him and for us to do some things together. If I have the kids then they come down here and we take them all and go do stuff. But I still try to have anything else done so that I’m not having to tell him oh we can’t get together I have this or that to do. The thing is where the boys were going they spent Friday there and he picked them up Sat before he came here. If they wanted them back again first thing this morning why didn’t they just keep them over night again and have him pick them up today when they were done? Same thing happen last weekend I think it was. He took them say picked them up that evening took them back first thing Sun and they brought them home Sun evening. I understand he has them and he has to do some things just like I have to with my kids. I am not complaining about that at all. I feel like the way he done me by not telling me to start with that he didn’t plan to be here and that he didn’t plan to come back when he got done was pretty crummy of him.

I know a big part of the problem I have to with it is it clicks in my head see he is like the other one don’t think about you and tell you one thing do another. But like I said I don’t think he is trying to really be that way at all. But then I tell myself why are you making up an excuse for him. I think I am more mad about the fact that I have put up with being hurt disappointed and lied to or told one thing and something else done. That when it happens with someone else it just really affects me. I have fought all day to not just say something to him about it. But I know that if I do it will just turn into a fight. I am going to wait until later and talk to him about it. I don’t want to have a big fight over something that can be talked about because I’m hurt from what someone else did over the last few years. We never really had set plans it was more a implied or given I guess. Just from how things are normally.

{April 15, 2012}   Not Feeling Good

I am feeling so mentally and emotionally drained today, and a little disappointed. Yesterday was a good day. But today I am just feeling so many thoughts going threw my head and feeling so many emotions all I want to do is get in my bed wrap myself in my blanket and cry. Of course I can’t do that because I have to be supper mommy for the kids. I don’t know if it is just me or if it is them too but they just want everything today and they want it right now. Not helping the way I am feeling by no means. I feel like I have hit bottom and everything is fulling in on me. I still haven’t found a job and the house needs so much stuff done to it it’s not even worth doing anymore to. We need to move and can’t because I can’t find a job. Now soon to be ex found a job so I have to find something working nights so that I have someone to take care of the kids. Not only does he have a job now but that leaves me with way more to take care of and get done because he isn’t going to be able to do things he has been doing. I understand he has to work but at the same time I am already doing everything for home school and after school stuff for them. he thinks he is doing something great because he gets them maybe 96 hours a month and I would say that half of that time he has them they are sleeping. Even then they hang out at the house or go do things they want to do. He isn’t worried about getting them to and from school to and from after school stuff who is going to watch them why he is working and get them to all this. he isn’t worried about do they have a bath at night dinner made and lunches packed or anything like that. He just shows up picks them up and goes and then brings them home with all their stuff drops them off for me to take care of and start the rest of the week over. I don’t mind doing all this I love my kids to death but when I say I have no help or support I really have no help or support from anyone. Not friends nor family. My mom use to live right next to me about 10 feet a way and and wouldn’t help when I was supposed to be on bed rest even. The only time she wants to come around and call is when she needs something or wants to start trouble. My sister won’t do anything for anyone she always has an excuse. But then they all want to look at me and talk about me and what I don’t do or don’t get done. they want to talk about how or when or why I do things and everything else. I am going to go i am rambling and I now have one begging me to go to the bathroom because they can’t walk to the other end of the house by them self and use it alone.

{April 13, 2012}   A Nice Night

Had a pretty good night last night. Talked to RC and he said he was going to take the kids to Mac Donald’s for dinner. He called back I asked him if he wanted to bring them down this way to the one around the corner. Told him me and the kids would meet them there, the kids could play and we could hang out if he wanted. We had just had Mac Donald’s the night before and I had stuff out for dinner. I went ahead and feed them and then took them. They had a good time playing and running around. They came and told us we had to leave they were closing the play area. Of course all the kids were dissapointed then wanted to come back to my house and play some more. As much as we wanted too we had to tell them no it was already after 9 and past my kids bedtime.

Looking forward to the weekend not sure what we are going to do yet but we get to spend it together and see each other. The kids are happy they get to see each other and play.

A lot has been going on the last two an a half weeks since I posted last. I haven’t been around a computer much with internet. By the time I get time at mine I am ready to pass out. But life is going great for me and the kids. They have been spending every other weekend with their dad and spent most of spring break with him too. I spent most of the time they were with him with my new friend I met a month or so ago. Things are going so good between us. It’s so nice to have someone who really cares and who is there for you. Its nice that he is great with my kids too. He treats them like his own as I do his. I hate that we don’t live closer there for we don’t get to see each other to much unless it is the weekends. It is only about 20 miles a way but with the kids and work. By the time you make the drive and spend anytime the kids are getting to bed late and it isn’t fair to them. All though they all love it when we get together and do things or just spend time at one of the houses. It would be nice if we lived closer. I want to move and he wants me to move closer to where he is. But I don’t know because of the kids schools and things. I would like to keep them in the same schools until I decide to move out of state. He just moved but don’t like where he is they don’t want to fix things. But his job and his kids schools are all up where he is. I don’t know I guess we shall see. Mine had said he wouldn’t fight me moving out of state with the kids. Then when we went to file the papers he said he didn’t want me to move out of state with them. He says he is going to fight it because he wants to keep having them every other weekend and stuff. Then he can move too. Why keep your kids in a area that isn’t good for them and who has nothing to offer them but crime and drugs when someone is trying to get them out of it and give them a better chance at life. Just because you don’t want to make the trip to see them or because you don’t want to pay for them to come see you or you to see them. That’s crazy.

I filed for my divorce Tuesday. I finally was able to get the pack of papers to fill out to get it started. Then I filled out a form and they said I don’t have to pay for the divorce. She said Tuesday that it would take 4 to 6 weeks to get it final since he went with me and signed everything. We each have to go take a 3 hour class about helping kids deal with divorce. We can take it at the same time or different times. I am taking it the 21st of this month why he has the kids. then the next one will be the 5th of next month. He will take that get them turned in and set a date to get it final. I am so happy he has been really nasty the last few weeks since he found out I have been talking to someone new. On the way to file the divorce he was telling me how he was glad we were doing this and he couldn’t wait to be rid of me and blah blah. But then he will turn back around and say something about how we could make this work and if only. He has been so nasty a few times this week then come over and start doing stuff around my house. He can’t stand it I am really done and really don’t have any feelings for him and that he still does and that I could careless. So he wants to make me think he don’t and he can’t. He post all kinds of stuff on facebook and everything. everyone knows he would come home right now if I would let him. But that isn’t going to happen. Because he hasn’t changed. He wants to say he has but he has’t.

Other than that not a lot going on. I am trying to sell my new truck I just bought now that I have it running good. I don’t know why but I keep wanting to go back to my old one. I like this one but it just isn’t the same as driving my old truck. But hey still not a bad deal I will more than likely double my money or more. What I paid for it and what I should get out of it. I found a truck I really want and if  I sold both trucks I could probably get it. But I need some of that money to do other stuff with. I am going to try and bank most of what I get from this one to move a way this summer if I win in court. Guess we shall see how it all unfolds.

{April 2, 2012}   Feelings and Worries

I knew if I finally met someone I wanted to be in a relationship with it wouldn’t be easy. Not only have I been through so much the last 2 years with him but I now have 3 kids to worry about and thank about. It isn’t just me and my feeling I have to consider if something goes wrong and things don’t work out. But I really thought my main concerns and worries would be with trusting, finding that balance of when to bring the kids into the picture and how to handle it with them.

I met someone a couple weeks ago and we have gotten pretty close in that time. I had met him once or twice before threw a friend but it was nothing more than just this is so and so at different get together. When my friend told me about him I didn’t even know who he was talking about until I seen him. Once I seen him I knew I had seen him at our friends house before. But we hit it off right a way and have been spending a lot of time together. He has two kids that are younger than my older two but older than my youngest by a few years. We have already gotten them together even and let them do things together. Of course they love being together it’s just new friends to all of them. My poor baby girl is kind of upset she is the only girl out of the 5 of them.

All the things I thought I would have a problem with are not the things I am having a problem with. I trust him when he tells me things. I trust that if or when I am not there he isn’t talking to other people or that he isn’t intrested in talking to other people. I brought the kids into the picture a little earlier than I had planed or wanted too. But I felt ok with that. Most the time I don’t like my kids to meet people I just met friends or other wise. Once I get to know them better then I will bring them around for the kids to meet. The kids love hanging out with him and his kids. They all play and get along most the time. They don’t really seem to care right now what is going on between me and him. They are to into themselves. The asked a few things and I answered them and they were happy with that. It’s funny because I am finding the trust thing I have more of a issue with people I already know verses someone I just met or someone I am interested in.

The things I am having problems with are the fact that there are feelings there that shouldn’t be this early into things. There are feelings there that I have never had for someone so soon. I feel like I shouldn’t have these feelings and that I am rushing into something. I’m not trying to but it just seems to be going that way. Before I would just say oh well lets just see what happens but there are 5 other lives that are in this now that we have to think of. He keeps saying that too. I think the biggest thing that is bothering me is the fact that he is still married to the kids mom. I know sounds bad. But I am still married to my ex too. We are working on taking care of all that. She is a way right now but I know she will be getting out soon and I guess I am afraid that when she gets out if she wants to come home and work things out that he will because it is the kids mom. He has moved them out of the house and gotten a place and he says there are no feelings there for her any more and that he is done. He says he has been doing this for years with her and he isn’t going to do it anymore. He says don’t you trust me when I tell you stuff? I do but there is always that chance even if he don’t intend for it to happen if she comes back and she is great and doing great he could change his mind. But he is talking about getting the divorce done before she gets out and comes back around. He was talking about it before I ever told him any of this. I didn’t want him to go file because of me or whatever. I guess we will see what happens. 

et cetera
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