{April 15, 2012}   Not Feeling Good

I am feeling so mentally and emotionally drained today, and a little disappointed. Yesterday was a good day. But today I am just feeling so many thoughts going threw my head and feeling so many emotions all I want to do is get in my bed wrap myself in my blanket and cry. Of course I can’t do that because I have to be supper mommy for the kids. I don’t know if it is just me or if it is them too but they just want everything today and they want it right now. Not helping the way I am feeling by no means. I feel like I have hit bottom and everything is fulling in on me. I still haven’t found a job and the house needs so much stuff done to it it’s not even worth doing anymore to. We need to move and can’t because I can’t find a job. Now soon to be ex found a job so I have to find something working nights so that I have someone to take care of the kids. Not only does he have a job now but that leaves me with way more to take care of and get done because he isn’t going to be able to do things he has been doing. I understand he has to work but at the same time I am already doing everything for home school and after school stuff for them. he thinks he is doing something great because he gets them maybe 96 hours a month and I would say that half of that time he has them they are sleeping. Even then they hang out at the house or go do things they want to do. He isn’t worried about getting them to and from school to and from after school stuff who is going to watch them why he is working and get them to all this. he isn’t worried about do they have a bath at night dinner made and lunches packed or anything like that. He just shows up picks them up and goes and then brings them home with all their stuff drops them off for me to take care of and start the rest of the week over. I don’t mind doing all this I love my kids to death but when I say I have no help or support I really have no help or support from anyone. Not friends nor family. My mom use to live right next to me about 10 feet a way and and wouldn’t help when I was supposed to be on bed rest even. The only time she wants to come around and call is when she needs something or wants to start trouble. My sister won’t do anything for anyone she always has an excuse. But then they all want to look at me and talk about me and what I don’t do or don’t get done. they want to talk about how or when or why I do things and everything else. I am going to go i am rambling and I now have one begging me to go to the bathroom because they can’t walk to the other end of the house by them self and use it alone.

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