{May 18, 2012}   Feeling Better

I have to say that I am feeling so much better from what I was in my last few post from a month or so ago. Not a lot has changed other than the kids aren’t sick anymore. But I am still feeling way better about things. I feel that there is a job out there and that things are just falling into place for me so that I can get it. I have thought about a lot of things and have a ruff idea of what I want and when I want it as far as moving the kids and school and my relationship with RC. Things are going really good with us and I am excited about that. He is great with the kids and the kids love him to death. Especially the baby he is all the time giving him hugs and wanting him to do things with him. My Big Boy said the other day when him and the kids weren’t here I miss them I love them him and his kids are nice. My Big Girl is still trying to a just and find her place  kind of. It is hard on her being the only girl out of 5 kids. The boys want to bother her and play with ruff with her like they do with each other. Normal sister brother kind of stuff and she don’t like it. They have never really been around little girls other than at school so it is different having one around all the time. They forget she isn’t a boy like them sometimes. And they get a rise out of her so that don’t help. But they all still beg and ask to go to the others house or if the other is coming over if we aren’t together even her.

The last few weeks if I’m not at his house they are at mine staying. Everyone keeps saying we just need to move in together and that we would be better off if we did. He wants to move in together. He wants to look for a place. I told him in a year if we were still together then we would look for a place. Everyone says oh you don’t think you will be together in a year or you think something is going to happen. That isn’t it at all. I think we will be together in a year. If I didn’t I wouldn’t be basing my plans for now and the nest little while on when we move in together. I just feel I need that space and things to get things on track and right for me and my kids. Sure I could do that if we moved in together but I feel I need to do it on my own first before I think about moving in with someone. I also know that I have wanted this divorce for over a year now and things weren’t good for a little while before that. So I am at that spot where I am ready to move on and ready to have someone else in my life. But even though my kids like RC and his kids they are still dealing with what is going on and still trying to come to terms with the fact that daddy isn’t coming home and mommy and daddy isn’t going to be husband and wife as my big boy puts it. He still says oh daddy your home half the time when soon to be ex comes to pick them up like he is coming back to stay. He was telling RC the other day my mommy and daddy were husband and wife they are and they are my mommy and daddy. The kids don’t understand the divorce and how that works and that it makes you not married anymore. He asked me when we were talking about soon to be ex not coming home to live anymore if that meant we aren’t husband and wife anymore. I just told him yes. I didn’t want to confuse him with well we have to go see the judge and all that. He said but you still look like my mommy and daddy. I told him we would always be mommy and daddy to him and his brother and sister. We just weren’t going to be husband and wife. He said ok and seem to understand. But like with any kid they still want that and don’t understand fully. They really knew nothing until about 6 months ago so they haven’t had the time to work threw things and be ok with it and get use to the idea.

That is a big part of why I haven’t been on much the last few months. Like I said before if I’m not there they are here. By the time we get dinner done and the kids to bed at night after work it is late. We try to spend a little time together before we are passing out it is so late. I have been extra sleepy the last few weeks too seems like I get a few minutes and sit down I am passing out even if I am online. I wake up in the middle of something I was trying to do. I think it must be because I was trying to fight this stuff off. They say mono makes you really sleepy and that you just have to rest because it is from your system being wore down already. When we are together we are always doing something for or with the kids. With 5 kids one is always wanting to do something or wanting something or needing something if they aren’t fighting with each other. But we love every minute of it and each other and wouldn’t want it any other way. I am going to try to get on more often and write. I really enjoy doing it and reading I just have to find a balance in everything. Find that me time again. I’m sure things will be a lot better when I’m not sick and feeling so sleepy all the time too.

Soon to be ex hasn’t been great to deal with either the last few months. He can’t stand it I am seeing someone. He don’t like it that the kids like him and he is so good with the kids. He wouldn’t like anyone I dated no matter who they were though. He still hasn’t gotten over the fact that it is done between us and that we are not going to be back together ever. He says he found someone else but I don’t think he really has. I think he is talking to someone but it really don’t have a chance of going any where because he won’t get over us. He thinks he can just find someone else and when he does then he will be over us and move on but that don’t seem to be working. He is always making rude comments and remarks when he is here. It got to the point the other day I told him to leave and not to come back in my house he could get the kids at the door and go. He refused to leave I threaten to call the cops and then he showed his ass in the yard and threw a fit like a kid. Then he says if I stop making comments then he will. I don’t make comments about anything. I am making comments because he tells me he is going to do something or pay something and don’t. Then the kids miss a lesson or something because he didn’t pay. But I’m not supposed to ask why he didn’t pay it or why he isn’t giving me money to help with the kids. He thinks he can had me a couple dollars a week and that is supposed to take care of it. No where near what the court papers say he should have to pay once we go to court. He see’s nothing wrong with the fact that I spent my savings taken care of what he wasn’t when he was giving me no money for over 3 months. It’s ok that I can’t get things and do things I need to do now because my money got spent. Then he complains about what clothes the kids have or shoes and when I ask him to help buy them new ones he cries broke. Other than dealing with him everything else is going great but he can put me in a bad mood from a great one in a matter of minutes. I am really working hard on not letting him get to me but it is so hard. I’m a fighter when I know I’m right or when I’m being called a lire about something.

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