{July 8, 2012}   Can’t Win Or Catch Break

Not sure how I feel today, It started off pretty good me and RC went to my church and then headed south to spend the day. We were supposed to go give a friend an estimate on doing some work to her daughters car and then go to the things with my family. Why we were getting lunch I called my sister to see if she needed a ride and she told me no she was going to be riding with my soon to be ex. She called him since he had the kids and asked him if he was bringing them and if he would give them a ride. I had planed on picking my kids up and taking them with me. I told her that I would just go by and see my mom and my grandparents before or after they were done and went home.

We went looked at the car hung out there a while and talked. When I left I called to see where they were and my sister said they had just gotten to where they were going to eat. They were supposed to have been there a hour or more before. I just told her to tell them I would see them next weekend because we are going to go back down and do the job on the car. Then my mom calls and says oh she don’t know why we don’t come and as long as RC don’t say anything he won’t and we have to understand why he is mad and has said stuff and I could do this for my grandma and all this stuff. I just told her we weren’t coming and that I would see her next weekend. Sure we could sit at a different table and things but it still the point that RC shouldn’t have to be put in that position and neither should I. If I wanted to spend every family function and get together with him I would still be married to him. Guess I can’t say that I am he made sure of that. But I would still be with him not someone else. My kids shouldn’t have to be put in that situation either. They are confused enough with out that. I didn’t go Easter because he was there they should have known I wouldn’t come today if he was there. I feel bad because I really wanted to go and I wanted to see my grandparents because I haven’t seen them in almost a year and my grandma is sick and things. But at the same time I was over 50 miles from home it wasn’t like I was just going to run him home and go back and I shouldn’t have too. He should be able to go with me.

He just came and dropped them off I got the kids let them say goodbye and sent them in the house. I said something to him about going every time there is a get together and me not being able to go or whatever. He said well they are my family to and family is always family and all this bullshit. Then he says well you can come it don’t matter what I said about anyone or how I feel. He tells me I should have come and told him to leave if I didn’t want him there. Yeah that just makes it look like me starting shit in front of everyone or causing a problem. I’m not going to do that.

My poor girl come home all upset because she wants to spend more than just the weekends with him. He told her he didn’t have money to pay for someone to watch them why he was at work. She said mommy I think I could watch my brothers why daddy works and grandpa would be there. She is 8 she is to young and shouldn’t even have to think about watching them and taking care of them. Yeah my dad is there but he isn’t able to keep up with them all day every day.

I am so aggervated and upset. RC just wants to go beat his ass. He is mad about the way he talks to me and treats me he is mad about him saying stuff to and in front of the kids and upsetting them and he is mad about the stuff he has said about him. I don’t blame him but it isn’t going to help anything and it isn’t going to make anything better. I am so sick of trying to be the peace keeper and keep every one a way from each other. I’m over it all I’m just going to go to bed and try to forget it all. But I know I am so stressed I will just be up and down all night or have all kinds of crazy dreams. I have for weeks now.

Oh and he told me I can go to any of the get to gethers his family has he don’t care. I told him I don’t want to and I have enough respect to let him go and spend time with his family with out sitting there in the middle of all of them. He don’t see it that way.

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