{July 18, 2012}   About Out Of Ideas

I am trying to come up with the money so that we can move. We can cover the bills but to have anything to save after that is next to none. I put my truck up for sale hoping it would sell pretty fast and we would use that to move and take care of a few things. Like getting the other one running right so I can start driving that one once I sell this one. I got a lot of people ask about it but no one ever comes back. It isn’t that the price is too high I have talk to two different people at lots I know and they say it is priced good. It’s just things are not selling right now. I have it under blue book right now and they would sell it for more than what I want if they had it on their lots.

Yesterday I had the idea of why don’t I just go get a loan on it and use that. Then I can keep the truck and still move. I like to have two cars in case something happens to one with how far I have to go to get the kids back and forth to school and the fact I don’t like to not be able to go when I want too until I can get it fixed. I don’t do good depending on someone else to get me where I need to go.

We were going to go to a few yesterday but one was gone and one was closed. Today I called two different ones and they both said no. I tried first with me and him on the loan to show two incomes and use the truck. They said we didn’t make enough. Then I tied with just me and the truck and they still said they weren’t able to give me anything. So now I am back at square one. I want to go to work but it’s just to hard to do right now with the way things are here with the kids. I just don’t know anymore I have been very patiently waiting for something to happen and tried every way that I can think of so far to work it out and it isn’t working. School starts back in just a few weeks for all the kids and I know all hell is really going to break lose here with the way things are and bedtimes for every one. My kids are not happy because they are use to having their own rooms since they were babies for the most part. My oldest has had her own room since she was like 2 1/2 and my middle has had his since he was one. My baby boy has always had his own room.

Wouldn’t you know right now why we have no money I have found house after house up for rent at really good deals. Before when I was looking they were all really high for what people had to offer. We where even looking at getting a 3 bedroom instead of a 4 and making it work some way. But right now I have found a bunch of 4 bedrooms at great prices. Not all are areas where we were looking at going but we would move there if the price was right. They are in good areas just farther than we had planed. I’m afraid that when we get the money they will all be way too high again and we are going to be stuck here trying to find something in our price range. I just don’t know anymore. All we can do is pray it’s all in Gods time right?

{July 16, 2012}   So Angry

I am so tired of every time the kids go over to their dad’s and come back it’s a fight between me and him. This weekend was great. Me and RC left as soon as he got home Friday night and made the 4 hour trip up to his sisters to pick up the boys. We got there about 10:30pm we sat around and talked for a little while and then they went to bed. I laid there and read for hours and then just laid there and thought about things. I couldn’t sleep I never do when I am somewhere I haven’t been before. I slept all of 2o minutes or less. We spent Saturday there with them. We went to the auction and road the 4 wheeler and dirt bike. Then me and his sister sat there and talked a while why he went with his brother in law for a bit to do something. Then we came home.

Today was a really good day we got some time alone. The boys got up and went with their grandma for a while. Me and RC got up and went to the flea markets to find the kids controllers for their game. Then we came home and watched a movie together. After we picked the boys up and came home RC started dinner for everyone. We had the kid and his girlfriend from across the way over. I went down and picked my dad up and brought him over.

I wanted to get my kids then but they weren’t home they were at a party. So I told soon to be ex to call me after they had dinner and baths. I was going to pick them up or let him bring them home and get my dad and take him home. Like I said in my other post he never took them for half the summer. Now we have about two and a half weeks left and the last week or two my daughter has been crying and wanting to go spend a week or so with her dad. They get here tonight when I walked up to the car she was already crying. I asked her what was wrong and he said she wanted to stay with daddy longer. I told her she couldn’t he needed someone to watch her and things. Me and him went to the back of the car to get their stuff and I ask him about it and all he could say is he is working on it but he don’t know. He works on everything but never gets it done. That is part of the problem we had when we were together. I said if it would make it easier I can keep the baby and you can take just the bigger two. My dad had already told them they didn’t have to come home they could stay if it was ok with him. They are big enough to stay with my dad and be ok. My dad just isn’t able to run around after a 2 year old all day and do what needs to be done for him.

He says well I don’t know this and that. Then he says yeah then he says what if I pick them up Wednesday after work. I said why he says I have things I have to take care of after work. My dad said it’s ok they can come they are fine. I asked him what he had to do after work and he just said things. It don’t make since what he has to do that he couldn’t take them with him or that he wouldn’t be home shortly after work. I said so how long is it going to take you to take care of them when are you going to be home. I didn’t want him to leave them until late with my dad he needed to be there to make dinner get baths bed time and things like that. Then he says I wasn’t going to come home I was going to be gone for the night. Then tells the kids get out of the car. So then my daughter is all upset she had calmed down when she thought they were going. I figured my big boy wouldn’t want to go but he never got out of the car and started telling him he wanted to stay. I said thats really good you have more important things to do than let your kids come and stay with you. I said she is crying her eyes out and upset begging you to stay with you and spend time with her and you tell her I will come get you in 3 days. He says she said it was ok and went on. I said yeah she did and she is crying. What is she going to say when you just stood here and said you didn’t want to spend time with her you wanted to go stay with someone for the night. I said but it don’t matter because you aren’t the on2e who has to listen to her cry and talk about it for days until you come back and get them if you even do. And your not the one who has had to try and talk to her why she cries almost every day because she just wants to see her daddy and spend more time with him than just the weekend. He started yelling at me and having a fit. Telling me yeah your way and what you want and at least your getting some. Something about things here. Meaning with me and Matt and things. I said I don’t tell my kids you can’t some stay with mommy or mommy will come and get you in 2 or 3 days after she gets done spending time with someone else. I told you I had to figure something out and work something out and now I have someone to watch you I still don’t want you. I said how do you think that makes her feel. I said you may not put it that way but that’s how she sees it and feels. She is a kids she don’t understand that. I said besides you were supposed to have them over the summer for half the summer then didn’t and now you can’t change your plans for one night to spend time with your kids but we will make it easy on me and do it the way I want to do it. He said something about part of the reason she wasn’t happy is because of RC’s kids and things. Something about them lieing and stuff. I said she is one of the biggest lien ones her she lies all the time and starts stuff and gets the other kids to start stuff. No she isn’t no she don’t. She does she will lie for no reason other than to lie. I get on to her all the time about it she is in trouble all the time over it. I know she isn’t 100% happy because of not having a lot of space and things they all get on each others nerves sometimes. But we are working on it and trying to get them more space. I said you know what we are all still living here like this because you were supposed to have them half the summer and I was going to work but you didn’t take them and I wasn’t able to work. So now I am waiting on my truck to sell and trying to work something else out to get us moved. Plus if you know she is unhappy here for whatever reason and you have it worked out so that you can take them and things wouldn’t that be all the more reason to let them come. Give them a little bit of a break from each other let them be there at your house where they have a little more room and things. Really they all haven’t been here all in the same house together for more than a few days to a week at a time since we moved in. When they were the boys went to day care all day most days so they weren’t here then either. But since she spent a week a way in NC then the boys went a way for the week that just past. My kids are with their dad every weekend. This summer they all have bounced here and there pretty much all summer long. As soon as two get back with in a day and a half two days two or three are leaving for two days to a week or more then they come home and the other two are gone for a little bit. She really can’t complain. He just ran his mouth saying all kinds of stuff and things that should have never been said in front of the kids or my dad.

I’m sorry I maybe wrong but any parent man or women in that spot should want to see their kids take their kids and spend time with them. More so knowing you were supposed to have them half the summer and didn’t take them and that your kid has been crying for a week or more because they want to spend time with you. How can you drop your kid off crying and tell her I’m working on it knowing you haven’t done the first thing to make it happen and don’t plan to. Your just trying to slide by until school starts. Then when someone says let them come they can stay with me why you work your going to still tell them I’ll pick you up in 3 days I want to go see some girl and spend the night with her. Really where how can you do that. I just hope he don’t take them to this girls house to spend the night. I will be pissed if he dose. But I don’t think he will because if it is the same one he was talking to before she don’t have kids and she don’t sound like the kind that is going to want kids around. If it isn’t who knows what he is with from what I seen of the girls he was talking too. I guess we shall see. I think the whole I can’t take them this weekend things after telling them he was coming was so he could go spend the weekend with her. He has never had to work Saturdays. He had clothes in the back of his car like he was going to go somewhere tonight too. Oh well you have kids now they should come first. He has had all this summer that he didn’t take them like he was supposed too to be running around with who ever this is or staying with them. He should have done it then.

It just makes me so mad that he can do them that way and just walk off and it not bother him one bit. I could never leave my kids crying because they want to spend time with me and tell them I am going to spend the night with some guy but when I get back. And to be talking to me the way he was and about RC and his kids the way he did. I am so over it with him.

I wonder if he told this girl how he was begging me for another chance and to work things out just the other day. Wonder what she would think of that and how she would feel. Bet she wouldn’t want him to spend the night still then.

{July 13, 2012}   Out Of Control

I keep having this dream well these dreams. There is always different stuff going on in the dream but I always end up driving this same car. Most the time I can’t even remember the dream just the part about the car. All kinds of crazy stuff happens I do remember that. Then I end up in this big old car of my moms to go somewhere. Every time I get in it and start to drive it’s like the breaks are out in it. I can have the break peddle pushed to the floor hear it making noise and but the car won’t stop. It”s crazy because most the time I’m not going that fast it’s like when I first get in it and start to go or it will slow down to about 10mph but won’t go any slower than that. I never hit anything but I come very close to hitting other cars people or whatever is there around me. I end up spinning most the time. But then when I get it straightened out and under control again I just keep going to where ever it is I’m supposed to be going and then wake up before I get there.

Today when I got up I remembered all of the dream I’m not sure why. I was at the jail with my mom and some lady she had met who’s son was in jail. They were watching his first appearance on the tv at the jail. But again it wasn’t our local jail here. We were in some city or some place I have never been. But I knew the jail and knew the area like we had lived there forever. We had two of my kids with us but they weren’t mine they were someone else my moms or this ladies I’m still not sure. The jail had all these rows and rows of two story apartments and people living in them. then there were some little single story ones out by where we were watching the court. Something happen they ended up having to stay there for hours longer than they thought. They told me to take the kids home and they would call when they were ready or ride together. I went to get the car and it wasn’t there. Then I remembered we parked some where else because of where we were going. Then i had to hunt for the kids. I ran into a officer and he was helping me find the kids and the car. I wasn’t supposed to be wondering around that time of the night by myself at the jail they said. Then I couldn’t figure out why it was night or why I couldn’t walk around the parking lot at night. I notice that all the apartments had people in them and i am trying to figure out why these people are living at the jail and why they would live there with their kids. Then the officer stops at a window and is saying something to this guy getting loud with this kid. About that time I notice all the bars on the windows and relies it is the guys who are in jail and they have their family there with them. They get to come for the weekend or something like that. I find the kids and the car and go to leave finally. I put the car in reverse and go to back out and we start spinning again and we are going down off the side of the road and with in inches of these apartments that people live in and things. I am not sure what was different about these guys compared to the others but they were allowed to sit outside and things like that. But I am about to crash into their apartments. I never did and I finally got the car back under control. I was telling the kids see I told you this happens all the time then they drive it and say it is fine and I have my truck right over there and they insist I take this one and take you two home. I was mad and then I woke up.

I think it is all because I feel like I have no control right now with everything going on. I wasn’t able to work I didn’t know I was going to have my kids when I moved or I probably wouldn’t have moved. I am waiting on my truck to sell so that we can move and until it does there is just about no hope of moving. Where we are not I feel like a animal in a cage with so many of us in one little spot. I am very great full and think full we have a place and to RC for trying to help out under the conditions that it is. I love him and the kids to death. I just feel like it is my fault everything is the way that it is. I feel bad that any of the kids have to be here this way. It isn’t bad it could be much worse but I still feel bad. I am the one who is use to fixing things and getting us out of things and right now I’m just at a loss and don’t know where to go or what to do any more. I have a very hard time picking when it comes down to what needs to be done and my kids. I feel that no matter what the kids come first and the other will work itself out. It will if I am pationt and make the best of what I have. I have been trying to do that. But it is very hard when you feel you have messed things up for so many. And I know it isn’t that bad for any of them but I can’t help but feel that way. I think this is why I have been dreaming such wild and crazy stuff the last month or so.

{July 12, 2012}   Father Of The Year

I have sat here and dealt with my daughter crying about every day or two since she came back from her dads Sunday. She is upset because she wants to spend more time with him and she wants him to take them for part of the summer like he said he would. Then he tells me yesterday or the day before I have to work Saturday can you watch the kids. I’m supposed to be out of town tomorrow evening and not getting home until sometime Saturday evening. I told him I couldn’t that I had plans and that he wasn’t supposed to work the weekends because he was supposed to have the kids. The deal was when he got the job he didn’t have to work weekends unless he asked too. He works Monday – Friday already. He gets at least 40 hours in then. Sometimes a few more once in a while a little less. He gives me some story about how they changed stuff and everyone is doing it but him and one other guy and how they are telling him now he has to work it.

I tell him how she is sitting here upset and wants to know when he is going to take them for more than just a weekend. He just says I am working on it. Next year I am up for a week vacation I can save it until Summer and take it then maybe. Wow really how great of a dad are you? Your supposed to have your kid about 6 weeks but you think it is great you will have a week off. She wants to see you and spend time with you and you tell her maybe in a year I can spend more time with you other than just weekends. She tells me he told her it would take all of his check if he had to work and pay someone to watch them that’s why he can’t keep them. It would have cost him about $160 every week if that to have them for a few weeks over the summer. I even told him he didn’t have to pay me the time that he had them. He gives me a $100 a week so he would have put out $60 a week more than what he is putting out now. Plus if he really wanted to make it happen and it was going to cost him more than what he wanted to put out of his check I was going to have them every other weekend or every weekend. He could have worked over time here and there if that was really going to make or break him. I shouldn’t have to pay his daycare anyway. No one pays it for me so I can go to work that and the fact he didn’t take them over the summer is why we are stuck living the way we are right now. I was going to work the 6 weeks or so that he had them get us into a place and start paying on daycare so that when they came home I had it covered. Plus I could have started taking the money he would be paying me again to put toward it. Right now I have nothing to put toward daycare and I have nothing to put toward moving because every little bit I get goes to pay bills that need taken care of for us right now. That leaves none to save or do anything with.

I had to tell my daughter today that he may have to work Saturday. That messes my plans up too because I won’t be able to go out of town if he does because he won’t be taking them. She was up set and crying again because she had just asked me when he was picking them up tomorrow. RC is mad because I was supposed to make the trip with him tomorrow evening when he got off work. He didn’t want to ride by himself after working all day because it will be late when he gets there. But like I told him if they go and he leaves them somewhere and goes to work I am coming home to get them. He wants to leave them with a friend of his who has a 3 year old that is about the size of a 5 year old who hits her and does what he wants. I’m not leaving my baby over there for him to be smacking around and hitting. When he does it more than once or twice and no one does anything about it my 7 year old the big boy will hit him back. He don’t notice that kids are that much younger if they are that big and he don’t put up with anyone hitting his brother or picking on him. She don’t have room for them either they will all 4 be right on top of each other tripping over each other. Plus she don’t need to be pumping my kids for information and she will about whats going on with mommy and daddy and where they are living and mommies new boyfriend. She will have something smart to say about that and they don’t need to be pumped for info or smart comments made about things. They are having a hard enough time with out all that. He said something about my dad but my dad can’t keep up with the baby all day like that. The bigger two may not be so bad once in a while but the baby he just isn’t able to. RC said so what your saying is you should just stay here because you know it will probably happen. I said yeah I guess so because if something happens and he leaves them somewhere I will be coming home to pick them up. He says you can’t do anything about it where ever he leaves them. But yes I can I can go pick them up and take them and no one can say anything. They are my kids and if he isn’t there with them I have the right to have them. If he does that he will have to take me to court and get a court order to see them if he wants to take them again. I don’t see where he has any room to talk or get mad if it did happen and we had to come home to get them. It’s not like we haven’t had to stop what we were doing to come and get his kids just because their mom had them and decided she couldn’t handle them. Or be here at the drop of a hat to run them here and there an every where because when others want to take them they tell him what time they are picking them up and bring them back or what time he is to pick them up and come back and pick them up. It don’t matter if we have plans or whats going on he jumps and does it.

Then he wants to talk about when my kids go somewhere and if they don’t for some reason. He says he didn’t do this or he was supposed to do that. I told him one day look he comes and gets his kids at a set time and he brings them back at a set time. If I have something to do at the time he wants to come then he has to come before that or when I get back. I don’t drop every thing to be here at his call when he is ready. When they come home he tells me what time he is going to bring them and same thing. If I’m here fine if I’m not going to be there he either has to bring them before I go or wait until I get back. Then he will say I don’t have that to worry about with my ex because she hardly ever takes the kids and it’s only if I want to let her have them. Yeah that’s nice but you drop everything for their grandma your ex’s mom like that. She has no rights to them so she should be more flexible when she wants to see them. My kids dad wants to see them that’s great I want him to see them and want them to spend time with them. Even if I don’t like him and at times it would be easier if he wasn’t in the picture. But that is their dad and I will not tell them they can’t see him. Unless he leaves them somewhere they shouldn’t be. Then they will understand and he will have to take me to court.

I know I am just stressed and RC is too and we are trying to come together and make this work and it is a lot of hard work with 5 kids. Once we get moved I’m sure things will calm down. But this thing with the soon to be ex is crazy and he needs to grow the fuck up and start doing what he says he is going to do with these kids. I have told him before this is why I left you because you didn’t do what you said and was never here. I told him he could see his kids as long as he done what he told them and took them when he said he was going to be here. If he didn’t then he could forget it. He isn’t going to be there when he wants too or when it is easy for him and leave them sit crying and for me to take care of when he don’t. It isn’t fair to me and most of all it isn’t fair to them. I am not going to sugar coat it if he leaves them and don’t come. Just like I told my daughter the other day when she said it would cost all of his check. No it won’t and he won’t be paying me so I will be paying most your daycare why your there. How does he think it makes her feel when he sits there and says I can’t afford to keep you because I won’t have any money left if I do. She even said mommy if he works at night I can stay home with the boys and get up with them if they get up grandpa will be there so there will be an adult there. But he won’t have to get up or do anything I think I can handle it and do it all. My 8 year old shouldn’t have to be thinking about things like that. She shouldn’t have to be worried about taking care of anyone. She should know someone is going to do it and take care of her. I just feel so bad things are the way they are right now. I have been thinking really hard the last few days about moving back into my old house. It is a mess and I had everything turned off. They could do something with it any day but I have talked to them and they still want to try and work something out. I can’t work nothing out because I have no job. But I could probably tie things up for a few more months to buy me some time and get things worked out. I don’t know what to do anymore. my poor dogs are still up there two of them any way. I have to get them out of there this weekend. I was trying to get rid of the puppy but soon to be ex said he is going to take her for a little while. So I can bring my girl home. I feel horrible about them all being out there but I can only do so much.

{July 12, 2012}   My Big Boy

My middle child my first son is autistic he falls in the Aspergers category on the spectrum. In adtion to that he has comprehension delays speech delays and sensory problems. I always knew from the time I had him something seemed different. I asked them when I held him the first time if something was wrong they told me no. He was always about 6 months behind in the things he was supposed to be doing. I know all kids do things at their own pace but he wouldn’t do anything then all of a sudden just do it all with in days or a week. How do you go from not doing anything to everything I didn’t understand either. They kept telling me he could do it he knew how he was just lazy.

When he was about a year and a half old I had to put him in daycare they started telling me he was behind and he should be doing things. They were really worried about his speech. They didn’t do testing for it but they said I should take him somewhere and get him tested. He could say words but he could not communicate with you when he needed or wanted something. He would get really upset and frustrated with things he couldn’t do or when he would try to get you to get him stuff. But if I said a word to him he could say it back. His brain just couldn’t put them together or let him get out what he wanted to say it seemed.

At two they finally got him in to be tested it was so frustrating to me because they acted like it was my fault and that he was fine. They told me his problem was behavioral because when they would say a word he could repeat it back. they said I didn’t make him listen and do what he needed to be doing. I let him get a way with to much. I told them I could teach a bird to repeat words to me but that didn’t mean that he could tell me what he wanted or what was wrong with him if something was bothering him. They just said that he was very active that his motor skills were about off the chart but his other skills were lacking or going to lack because he didn’t sit still long enough to work on them. They gave us a OT and a behavioral therapist to work with him. They were to come to the house once a week and work with him for a half hour to hour each time. Upset and feeling as though we were getting no where I took him home and called the people to set up times for them to come out and work with him.

The Behavioral person came out first we will call her Mrs. T she was great I really liked her. I felt we may get somewhere with her even though that isn’t what I felt he needed. I felt like she knew what she was doing and would help me get him what he needed. The first time she came was just to do some paper work and get things set up so she could come back the next week and work with him. He went into one of his melt downs and fits why she was there because he was playing and his sister did something or took something. He held her down and was pulling her hair out. Mrs. T stopped and showed us something to do with him to try and keep it from happening and to do because he did it. He already got in trouble when he did things like this but she showed us other ways to handle it. Mrs. T came back once a week for a month after that and worked with him. He was doing better but still having a lot of problems because he still couldn’t talk to us like he needed to be doing.

In the mean time the OT lady came out and worked with him a little bit over the course of that month. She just brought with her more bad news and to me false info about my child who she had worked with for less than an hour. She said he was 16 months delayed. A year more than what we already seen and told them about ourselves. I did not see that big of a delay in him at all. The school never said they seen such a delay and Mrs T never seem to think he was that delayed. Then she tells us after working with him for a little over a month she thought he was doing better and she was only going to come once a month from now on. I never seen her after that and he wasn’t doing any more when she told us that than he was doing when she first got there.

With in that first month of working with him Mrs. T and the OT lady asked us what the speech lady said about something. I told them both that he didn’t have a speech person and that they told me he didn’t need it he needed Mrs. T. Of course the OT person didn’t say anything she just said ok and went on. When I told Mrs. T what they said she said I don’t say this very often because most the kids I work with really have problems and I need to be working with them. But he don’t have problems that need me out here he has problems because he can’t communication with you and he needs a speech person. I was so glad to hear her say this because it was what I had been saying all along. I know my kids and they do get in trouble and things but they aren’t bad kids. They do your normal kid stuff and when I get on to them they stop and go on. They don’t throw fits and cause a problem.

It took them forever to get a speech person so by the time they got him one it was only a month or so before he aged out and went to the school board. He was delayed enough with speech they sent him to school all day every day just like the rest of the kids starting at 3. He was in school for 3 years before he started kindergarten. This year was his kindergarten year. They told me last year about half way through the year that he would more than likely fail kindergarten and have to repeat it.

It’s amazing what finding a new school with teachers who love the kids and want to see them progress can do. He had his kindergarten graduation in May. I am so happy for him and proud of him. He has worked so hard and I have fought so hard to get him the help he is supposed to have and to see him do good. He still has things that go on and probably always will. But it is all in teaching him to handle the things that arise.

It’s still hard at times because he is the way he is. Like when we go places he is really good all the time but he will do little things and people look and comment. At times it gets really hard for me to not say anything and I’m sure soon I probably will. They don’t need to be talking about any kid when they don’t know what is going on. The biggest thing with me is when he was little he didn’t know people were talking about him or making comments about him. Now he is old enough to know that they are talking about him and commenting about him. I won’t have him sitting anywhere and know people are talking about him and not say anything. He shouldn’t have to feel that way for something that is out of  his control.

I started this post because of something totally different but then thought I should give a little history to kind of make it make sense. But that I guess will be a different post all together now.

{July 8, 2012}   Can’t Win Or Catch Break

Not sure how I feel today, It started off pretty good me and RC went to my church and then headed south to spend the day. We were supposed to go give a friend an estimate on doing some work to her daughters car and then go to the things with my family. Why we were getting lunch I called my sister to see if she needed a ride and she told me no she was going to be riding with my soon to be ex. She called him since he had the kids and asked him if he was bringing them and if he would give them a ride. I had planed on picking my kids up and taking them with me. I told her that I would just go by and see my mom and my grandparents before or after they were done and went home.

We went looked at the car hung out there a while and talked. When I left I called to see where they were and my sister said they had just gotten to where they were going to eat. They were supposed to have been there a hour or more before. I just told her to tell them I would see them next weekend because we are going to go back down and do the job on the car. Then my mom calls and says oh she don’t know why we don’t come and as long as RC don’t say anything he won’t and we have to understand why he is mad and has said stuff and I could do this for my grandma and all this stuff. I just told her we weren’t coming and that I would see her next weekend. Sure we could sit at a different table and things but it still the point that RC shouldn’t have to be put in that position and neither should I. If I wanted to spend every family function and get together with him I would still be married to him. Guess I can’t say that I am he made sure of that. But I would still be with him not someone else. My kids shouldn’t have to be put in that situation either. They are confused enough with out that. I didn’t go Easter because he was there they should have known I wouldn’t come today if he was there. I feel bad because I really wanted to go and I wanted to see my grandparents because I haven’t seen them in almost a year and my grandma is sick and things. But at the same time I was over 50 miles from home it wasn’t like I was just going to run him home and go back and I shouldn’t have too. He should be able to go with me.

He just came and dropped them off I got the kids let them say goodbye and sent them in the house. I said something to him about going every time there is a get together and me not being able to go or whatever. He said well they are my family to and family is always family and all this bullshit. Then he says well you can come it don’t matter what I said about anyone or how I feel. He tells me I should have come and told him to leave if I didn’t want him there. Yeah that just makes it look like me starting shit in front of everyone or causing a problem. I’m not going to do that.

My poor girl come home all upset because she wants to spend more than just the weekends with him. He told her he didn’t have money to pay for someone to watch them why he was at work. She said mommy I think I could watch my brothers why daddy works and grandpa would be there. She is 8 she is to young and shouldn’t even have to think about watching them and taking care of them. Yeah my dad is there but he isn’t able to keep up with them all day every day.

I am so aggervated and upset. RC just wants to go beat his ass. He is mad about the way he talks to me and treats me he is mad about him saying stuff to and in front of the kids and upsetting them and he is mad about the stuff he has said about him. I don’t blame him but it isn’t going to help anything and it isn’t going to make anything better. I am so sick of trying to be the peace keeper and keep every one a way from each other. I’m over it all I’m just going to go to bed and try to forget it all. But I know I am so stressed I will just be up and down all night or have all kinds of crazy dreams. I have for weeks now.

Oh and he told me I can go to any of the get to gethers his family has he don’t care. I told him I don’t want to and I have enough respect to let him go and spend time with his family with out sitting there in the middle of all of them. He don’t see it that way.

{July 7, 2012}   Long Day

Didn’t get to bed until after 2am then up by 7 and on the road by 7:30. Made the 8 hour or more round trip to RC’s sisters house to drop his kids off for a week or two. Went up stayed for a couple hours and drove home. We stopped and had dinner that was the exstent of our day. Now we are just sitting here online and getting ready to go to bed. Have another long day ahead of us tomorrow.

But we will only be going about two hours a way from home tomorrow. I hope every thing works out like it is supposed to. We are supposed to celebreate my grandma’s 70th birthday, their 52 anniversary and my sisters 2nd  anniversary I think that is all right.

My grandma got married on her 18th birthday my sister decided to get married on her 18th birthday on their 50th anniversary. I was thinking it was only a year ago but then I am pretty sure I was pregnant with my baby boy when she did this so it would be 52 for them and 2 for my sister. I haven’t seen my grandparents in a while and my grandma hasn’t been doing the best. I can’t wait.

Need to get home early tomorrow whatever we do and try to get some sleep. I am supposed to start school Monday at 7am til 430pm. Not sure if I am going to get to go now or not. I need to go and figure that out so I can call the guy tomorrow and let him know if I will be there or not. But for tonight I am just going to go relax in the peace. There are no children here right now I could hear a pin drop.

{July 6, 2012}   I Should Have Known

That when I texted him back yesterday morning that wouldn’t be the end of it even though he didn’t respond back. Later that evening around 6:30pm I got a text from him again out of the blue. Saying how he still cares about me and he wants to know if there was any way we could give it another try and he knew it would take time and counseling for both of us and blah blah blah.

I told him that I had went to counseling with him. That when we went he lied to the guy attacked me and let the guy tell me how I didn’t need to be there. I also told him that he never went back to him or anywhere else but once or twice since then like he had said he was going to. He said he has been going and that he would have to go for a while that he see’s things differently now. He said we both said somethings and did somethings. I told him I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true or that I didn’t mean. I haven’t I meant and felt everything I said to him or about him and I have never lied to or about him about any of this. No matter how hurtful or upsetting it may have been. If I felt it needed to be said or he needed to know I said it. Him on the other hand has told a lot of lies to people about me and said a lot of things to me just to try and hurt me. He will say it and I can say to him that isn’t true or why are you saying that. He would get mad and say I just wanted to hurt you or just wanted to make you mad. Why play games kids do shit like that not grown adults or supposed to be grown adults.

He said we were both stuborne and needed to work on that and a bunch of other stuff. I asked him why I would leave someone that I was happy with and go back to someone making me the same promises I had heard and waited on for years. He didn’t like that he said like I said to start with I know there isn’t a chance there but I had to try one more time sorry I bothered you and wasted your time. I reminded him of the stuff he started with the last guy I was talking to and how he sat at work and talked to and about me to the guys and things. Of course he said the other person lied and said more than what he said. Oh and when I said something about the guys at work and things is when he said we both done somethings and said somethings. He still don’t know that me and my mom talked and that she knows most the stuff he has told her is a lie. So he is still doing it.

Then today I took all the kids to McDonald’s to eat and play. I went to the one by my old house because I was going to meet a friend. He met me there when he got off work and picked the kids up. As he was putting the baby in his seat he said something about yesterday. I didn’t understand what he said. Then he said you didn’t want to do something for yesterday did you? I said no why would I? He just looked at me and said he was just making sure. Last year this time I was told not to make any plans and that he had a surprise for me he was going to take me out and show me something and show me how much he cared and wanted things to change. The day came and went and he never said a word. That after noon he got up and said get ready I said where are we going and he said to my moms house. Then we got in a fight and he made a 101 excuses. Then promised we would go the next and begged me to go with them to his mommies house. I told him the only way I would go with them was if he packed all his shit in the back of my truck and stayed there when we got there. He wouldn’t and I didn’t go. The next weekend was excuses and we would go the following one. the following one came and went I never said anything about it and he didn’t either. He was at the house 3 more months 3 months longer than I had given him and never tried to show me anything. So that is why we are where we are today.


{July 5, 2012}   9 Years Today

I knew it was today but really hadn’t thought about it and forgot about it until last night sometime. I knew it was the 4th but wasn’t really thinking about it in terms of date. But today is supposed to be my 9 year anniversary. I guess since the divorce didn’t get granted it is but there is nothing to celebrate. Before I even got up this morning my phone was going off. It was a text from soon to be ex. all it said was 9 years. I didn’t know if I was supposed to respond to that how I was supposed to respond to it or what he was getting at with it. Finally in a few minutes I just responded with yeah I know. Did he want me to say happy anniversary or your right what are we doing lets fix things. I just really didn’t know where this should go. I wanted to say yeah I know it would have been but look what you done or something like that. Once I text him back and just said yeah I know he never said anything back.

Later I seen he posted on facebook and said 9 years wish I could say happy anniversary Guess things are ment to change. I so want to respond but I haven’t and I’m not. He knows why things are this way. I am trying to forget about what he does and what he says and not let it get to me. I get so aggravated because he plays this poor me shit and everyone buys into it. It just feeds his I have done nothing wrong attitude and this is all your fault. Then he wants to start with me about how I am and if I would have just done this or that and what I am doing now. All things that don’t need to be gone over or talked about what is done is done it’s over. We can talk about it a 100 times or none nothing is going to change.

{July 5, 2012}   Happy 4th

Yesterday was a great day even though my kids weren’t with us. Me, RC his kids and the couple across from us all went down to the river when it finally stopped raining. We cooked out and stayed for the fireworks. It was very nice and relaxing. I feel bad for RC one of the kids took and was poking around in the grill with a stick and knocked one of the peaces of coal out on the ground. They got in trouble when we seen them playing with it but we didn’t know it got knocked out. RC had his shoes off and stepped on it right in the arch of his foot. Now he has a big nasty blister there. He had to work today and put his boots on. I tried to tell him to put a sock and slipper or something on but they can’t really be wearing anything like that in the shop. I know it is going to take a while to heal I just hope it heals fast and don’t get infected because he has to work and wear his shoes.

I think the adults were more into the moon than the fireworks last night. Where we were sitting we could see the big building from NASA. When it first got dark good you could see a faint glow of something right beside it. At first we thought it was fireworks then when we looked again it was still there. We kept watching it off and on. Before long it was right next to the building and really bright orange/red. It looked like if you went over there and got on top of the building you could reach right out and touch it. It really was cool the way it looked. Me and the girl with us were trying to take pictures of it but it was to far a way from us with what we had. It would have been a great picture it would have looked like a post card or something you photo shopped. It was funny because the kid was just saying as big as NASA is you would think they would put on a fireworks show being right there on the water and things. Then that happen they were like that’s better than a fireworks show lol. Probably sounds crazy but it was just one of them you had to see it things.

et cetera
%d bloggers like this: