Seen this re-blogged and thought it should continue to be re-blogged by everyone who see’s it.

Let Down

I feel like I have let the most importaint people in my life down, my kids. I went and picked them up today to take them with us to a friends house so they could play with the kids and maybe go swimming with us. They were happy when I got there and woke them up at lunch time. They been staying up late and sleeping in. Kind of good I guess for my dad. We went to my friends had lunch and they all played. When we left they both started asking if they were going to go back to daddy’s and why not. When we got home we were getting out of the truck and my big boy says you haven’t moved us you haven’t moved any of us you don’t care what we think and a bunch of stuff. He is upset we are still all staying in the apartment. I told him why and that I am trying. They are both unhappy about being home even just for the night. I feel so bad. I am trying I am doing all I can do right now. I want to go get us a bigger place so bad. They think we are just still here because I want to be here to be with RC. That isn’t it at all. They don’t understand because their dad runs his mouth and says stuff and he don’t tell them how he didn’t pay me for almost 4 months or more after he moved out and I had to spend the money I had to move on. How he didn’t do what he was supposed to do this summer so I could do what I needed too. I tell them and they just look at me because they don’t know what is really going on and their dad tells them stuff and gets them into stuff that they don’t need to be in. I can’t stand it.

Changing Fast

It’s funny how fast things in life change. I sit here and think about where I was a few years ago and just 8 months ago and where I am today. Things haven’t went how I planed but do things every go as we plan for them too. A few years ago I was hating life and had no plan all I knew was that I wanted out of the situation I was in. I was worried about my family my kids the most and how it would effect them and where we would go what we would do.

8 months ago I was even more unhappy and miserable than I was a year or two before. I finally decided enough was enough things were going to change we were getting out. I didn’t know where we were going to go how it was going to effect any of us or what we were going to do. I just knew we had to get out and we had to get out now. Things between me and soon to be were worse now we hardly spoke to each other and when we did it always turned into a huge fight. It was to the point I didn’t care anymore and I knew it was going to come down to blows. I wasn’t going to let myself get in trouble for something like that and risk losing my licence and not being able to work down the road. I finally told him he had to get out and sat the kids down and told them that he was going to be moving out.

I was already ok with my decision I knew a long time before that I wanted out there were no feelings there for him at all. I was at the point I wanted to go out and date find someone new to be with. I wanted someone to talk to someone who cared how I felt and what I wanted not just about what I did for them or what they wanted. I wanted a relationship again to feel that closeness with someone again. I figured it would be forever before I found someone that I would want to even be in a relationship with. To my surprise it wasn’t long at all. About 4 months later I met RC threw my friend and things have been great.

Things are hard right now trying to get moved and get the kids settled since we hadn’t really planed on moving like this right a way. But other than that things with us are going good. The kids are all doing good and taken care off. It’s hard on them with the space and getting use to each other but I think they will be better once we get moved. They all want to know where the others are and when they are coming home if some of them are gone.

I’m still working on going to work and getting back in school. Like I told RC just because we moved together don’t mean I’m not going to still do the things I had planed to do. I planed to start working and take some trips when the kids are out of school and with their dad or on the weekends when they are with their dad. I want to get new stuff for the house and things when I start working. I am going to go to school for sure. And with in a year to two years I plan on having the truck I want and if everything goes as I want it to in court be moved out of FL in a few years.

He understands and don’t have a problem with it. He said something once about not being able to go to school and work with the kids and him working and things. That I would probably be able to just go to school. He would like it if I just went to school and not work any way so that I’m not trying to jaugle so much and I can do good in school. But like I told him this was already my plan and I’m not going to change that. I know the things I want and where I want to be in a few years and I know that in order for me to have them and to be where I want to be I am going to have to work too. I don’t mind doing that. I am not one who sits there and thinks he should make enough to cover everything for the house and everything I want or want to do. I like to work and help out with things and to have the extra money.

I don’t know how things are going to work when I want to take trips now and then I guess that is a bridge we will have to cross when we get to it. My kids go to their dads on the weekend and things so I know I have x days free. His don’t do that right now they go to her moms now and then but it is just for the day or maybe over night now and then but that’s it. I want him to go with me but I’m not taking kids it is time for me to get a way and do something I want to do kid free. I don’t have to make a ton of stops on the way and I can hang out with my friends when I get there and we can get up and do whatever we want to do when we want too. We will have to work on finding someone to watch them for the weekend or what ever time we are going to be going. But that is the least of our worries right now. Right now we just have to get moved and threw the birthdays and holidays. We have 3 birthdays with in 2 weeks coming up and then go right into the Christmas.

The last 8 months have brought a lot of change mostly for the good. Can’t wait to see what the next 8 months bring. Hopefully more great changes.

About Out Of Ideas

I am trying to come up with the money so that we can move. We can cover the bills but to have anything to save after that is next to none. I put my truck up for sale hoping it would sell pretty fast and we would use that to move and take care of a few things. Like getting the other one running right so I can start driving that one once I sell this one. I got a lot of people ask about it but no one ever comes back. It isn’t that the price is too high I have talk to two different people at lots I know and they say it is priced good. It’s just things are not selling right now. I have it under blue book right now and they would sell it for more than what I want if they had it on their lots.

Yesterday I had the idea of why don’t I just go get a loan on it and use that. Then I can keep the truck and still move. I like to have two cars in case something happens to one with how far I have to go to get the kids back and forth to school and the fact I don’t like to not be able to go when I want too until I can get it fixed. I don’t do good depending on someone else to get me where I need to go.

We were going to go to a few yesterday but one was gone and one was closed. Today I called two different ones and they both said no. I tried first with me and him on the loan to show two incomes and use the truck. They said we didn’t make enough. Then I tied with just me and the truck and they still said they weren’t able to give me anything. So now I am back at square one. I want to go to work but it’s just to hard to do right now with the way things are here with the kids. I just don’t know anymore I have been very patiently waiting for something to happen and tried every way that I can think of so far to work it out and it isn’t working. School starts back in just a few weeks for all the kids and I know all hell is really going to break lose here with the way things are and bedtimes for every one. My kids are not happy because they are use to having their own rooms since they were babies for the most part. My oldest has had her own room since she was like 2 1/2 and my middle has had his since he was one. My baby boy has always had his own room.

Wouldn’t you know right now why we have no money I have found house after house up for rent at really good deals. Before when I was looking they were all really high for what people had to offer. We where even looking at getting a 3 bedroom instead of a 4 and making it work some way. But right now I have found a bunch of 4 bedrooms at great prices. Not all are areas where we were looking at going but we would move there if the price was right. They are in good areas just farther than we had planed. I’m afraid that when we get the money they will all be way too high again and we are going to be stuck here trying to find something in our price range. I just don’t know anymore. All we can do is pray it’s all in Gods time right?

So Angry

I am so tired of every time the kids go over to their dad’s and come back it’s a fight between me and him. This weekend was great. Me and RC left as soon as he got home Friday night and made the 4 hour trip up to his sisters to pick up the boys. We got there about 10:30pm we sat around and talked for a little while and then they went to bed. I laid there and read for hours and then just laid there and thought about things. I couldn’t sleep I never do when I am somewhere I haven’t been before. I slept all of 2o minutes or less. We spent Saturday there with them. We went to the auction and road the 4 wheeler and dirt bike. Then me and his sister sat there and talked a while why he went with his brother in law for a bit to do something. Then we came home.

Today was a really good day we got some time alone. The boys got up and went with their grandma for a while. Me and RC got up and went to the flea markets to find the kids controllers for their game. Then we came home and watched a movie together. After we picked the boys up and came home RC started dinner for everyone. We had the kid and his girlfriend from across the way over. I went down and picked my dad up and brought him over.

I wanted to get my kids then but they weren’t home they were at a party. So I told soon to be ex to call me after they had dinner and baths. I was going to pick them up or let him bring them home and get my dad and take him home. Like I said in my other post he never took them for half the summer. Now we have about two and a half weeks left and the last week or two my daughter has been crying and wanting to go spend a week or so with her dad. They get here tonight when I walked up to the car she was already crying. I asked her what was wrong and he said she wanted to stay with daddy longer. I told her she couldn’t he needed someone to watch her and things. Me and him went to the back of the car to get their stuff and I ask him about it and all he could say is he is working on it but he don’t know. He works on everything but never gets it done. That is part of the problem we had when we were together. I said if it would make it easier I can keep the baby and you can take just the bigger two. My dad had already told them they didn’t have to come home they could stay if it was ok with him. They are big enough to stay with my dad and be ok. My dad just isn’t able to run around after a 2 year old all day and do what needs to be done for him.

He says well I don’t know this and that. Then he says yeah then he says what if I pick them up Wednesday after work. I said why he says I have things I have to take care of after work. My dad said it’s ok they can come they are fine. I asked him what he had to do after work and he just said things. It don’t make since what he has to do that he couldn’t take them with him or that he wouldn’t be home shortly after work. I said so how long is it going to take you to take care of them when are you going to be home. I didn’t want him to leave them until late with my dad he needed to be there to make dinner get baths bed time and things like that. Then he says I wasn’t going to come home I was going to be gone for the night. Then tells the kids get out of the car. So then my daughter is all upset she had calmed down when she thought they were going. I figured my big boy wouldn’t want to go but he never got out of the car and started telling him he wanted to stay. I said thats really good you have more important things to do than let your kids come and stay with you. I said she is crying her eyes out and upset begging you to stay with you and spend time with her and you tell her I will come get you in 3 days. He says she said it was ok and went on. I said yeah she did and she is crying. What is she going to say when you just stood here and said you didn’t want to spend time with her you wanted to go stay with someone for the night. I said but it don’t matter because you aren’t the on2e who has to listen to her cry and talk about it for days until you come back and get them if you even do. And your not the one who has had to try and talk to her why she cries almost every day because she just wants to see her daddy and spend more time with him than just the weekend. He started yelling at me and having a fit. Telling me yeah your way and what you want and at least your getting some. Something about things here. Meaning with me and Matt and things. I said I don’t tell my kids you can’t some stay with mommy or mommy will come and get you in 2 or 3 days after she gets done spending time with someone else. I told you I had to figure something out and work something out and now I have someone to watch you I still don’t want you. I said how do you think that makes her feel. I said you may not put it that way but that’s how she sees it and feels. She is a kids she don’t understand that. I said besides you were supposed to have them over the summer for half the summer then didn’t and now you can’t change your plans for one night to spend time with your kids but we will make it easy on me and do it the way I want to do it. He said something about part of the reason she wasn’t happy is because of RC’s kids and things. Something about them lieing and stuff. I said she is one of the biggest lien ones her she lies all the time and starts stuff and gets the other kids to start stuff. No she isn’t no she don’t. She does she will lie for no reason other than to lie. I get on to her all the time about it she is in trouble all the time over it. I know she isn’t 100% happy because of not having a lot of space and things they all get on each others nerves sometimes. But we are working on it and trying to get them more space. I said you know what we are all still living here like this because you were supposed to have them half the summer and I was going to work but you didn’t take them and I wasn’t able to work. So now I am waiting on my truck to sell and trying to work something else out to get us moved. Plus if you know she is unhappy here for whatever reason and you have it worked out so that you can take them and things wouldn’t that be all the more reason to let them come. Give them a little bit of a break from each other let them be there at your house where they have a little more room and things. Really they all haven’t been here all in the same house together for more than a few days to a week at a time since we moved in. When they were the boys went to day care all day most days so they weren’t here then either. But since she spent a week a way in NC then the boys went a way for the week that just past. My kids are with their dad every weekend. This summer they all have bounced here and there pretty much all summer long. As soon as two get back with in a day and a half two days two or three are leaving for two days to a week or more then they come home and the other two are gone for a little bit. She really can’t complain. He just ran his mouth saying all kinds of stuff and things that should have never been said in front of the kids or my dad.

I’m sorry I maybe wrong but any parent man or women in that spot should want to see their kids take their kids and spend time with them. More so knowing you were supposed to have them half the summer and didn’t take them and that your kid has been crying for a week or more because they want to spend time with you. How can you drop your kid off crying and tell her I’m working on it knowing you haven’t done the first thing to make it happen and don’t plan to. Your just trying to slide by until school starts. Then when someone says let them come they can stay with me why you work your going to still tell them I’ll pick you up in 3 days I want to go see some girl and spend the night with her. Really where how can you do that. I just hope he don’t take them to this girls house to spend the night. I will be pissed if he dose. But I don’t think he will because if it is the same one he was talking to before she don’t have kids and she don’t sound like the kind that is going to want kids around. If it isn’t who knows what he is with from what I seen of the girls he was talking too. I guess we shall see. I think the whole I can’t take them this weekend things after telling them he was coming was so he could go spend the weekend with her. He has never had to work Saturdays. He had clothes in the back of his car like he was going to go somewhere tonight too. Oh well you have kids now they should come first. He has had all this summer that he didn’t take them like he was supposed too to be running around with who ever this is or staying with them. He should have done it then.

It just makes me so mad that he can do them that way and just walk off and it not bother him one bit. I could never leave my kids crying because they want to spend time with me and tell them I am going to spend the night with some guy but when I get back. And to be talking to me the way he was and about RC and his kids the way he did. I am so over it with him.

I wonder if he told this girl how he was begging me for another chance and to work things out just the other day. Wonder what she would think of that and how she would feel. Bet she wouldn’t want him to spend the night still then.

Out Of Control

I keep having this dream well these dreams. There is always different stuff going on in the dream but I always end up driving this same car. Most the time I can’t even remember the dream just the part about the car. All kinds of crazy stuff happens I do remember that. Then I end up in this big old car of my moms to go somewhere. Every time I get in it and start to drive it’s like the breaks are out in it. I can have the break peddle pushed to the floor hear it making noise and but the car won’t stop. It”s crazy because most the time I’m not going that fast it’s like when I first get in it and start to go or it will slow down to about 10mph but won’t go any slower than that. I never hit anything but I come very close to hitting other cars people or whatever is there around me. I end up spinning most the time. But then when I get it straightened out and under control again I just keep going to where ever it is I’m supposed to be going and then wake up before I get there.

Today when I got up I remembered all of the dream I’m not sure why. I was at the jail with my mom and some lady she had met who’s son was in jail. They were watching his first appearance on the tv at the jail. But again it wasn’t our local jail here. We were in some city or some place I have never been. But I knew the jail and knew the area like we had lived there forever. We had two of my kids with us but they weren’t mine they were someone else my moms or this ladies I’m still not sure. The jail had all these rows and rows of two story apartments and people living in them. then there were some little single story ones out by where we were watching the court. Something happen they ended up having to stay there for hours longer than they thought. They told me to take the kids home and they would call when they were ready or ride together. I went to get the car and it wasn’t there. Then I remembered we parked some where else because of where we were going. Then i had to hunt for the kids. I ran into a officer and he was helping me find the kids and the car. I wasn’t supposed to be wondering around that time of the night by myself at the jail they said. Then I couldn’t figure out why it was night or why I couldn’t walk around the parking lot at night. I notice that all the apartments had people in them and i am trying to figure out why these people are living at the jail and why they would live there with their kids. Then the officer stops at a window and is saying something to this guy getting loud with this kid. About that time I notice all the bars on the windows and relies it is the guys who are in jail and they have their family there with them. They get to come for the weekend or something like that. I find the kids and the car and go to leave finally. I put the car in reverse and go to back out and we start spinning again and we are going down off the side of the road and with in inches of these apartments that people live in and things. I am not sure what was different about these guys compared to the others but they were allowed to sit outside and things like that. But I am about to crash into their apartments. I never did and I finally got the car back under control. I was telling the kids see I told you this happens all the time then they drive it and say it is fine and I have my truck right over there and they insist I take this one and take you two home. I was mad and then I woke up.

I think it is all because I feel like I have no control right now with everything going on. I wasn’t able to work I didn’t know I was going to have my kids when I moved or I probably wouldn’t have moved. I am waiting on my truck to sell so that we can move and until it does there is just about no hope of moving. Where we are not I feel like a animal in a cage with so many of us in one little spot. I am very great full and think full we have a place and to RC for trying to help out under the conditions that it is. I love him and the kids to death. I just feel like it is my fault everything is the way that it is. I feel bad that any of the kids have to be here this way. It isn’t bad it could be much worse but I still feel bad. I am the one who is use to fixing things and getting us out of things and right now I’m just at a loss and don’t know where to go or what to do any more. I have a very hard time picking when it comes down to what needs to be done and my kids. I feel that no matter what the kids come first and the other will work itself out. It will if I am pationt and make the best of what I have. I have been trying to do that. But it is very hard when you feel you have messed things up for so many. And I know it isn’t that bad for any of them but I can’t help but feel that way. I think this is why I have been dreaming such wild and crazy stuff the last month or so.

Father Of The Year

I have sat here and dealt with my daughter crying about every day or two since she came back from her dads Sunday. She is upset because she wants to spend more time with him and she wants him to take them for part of the summer like he said he would. Then he tells me yesterday or the day before I have to work Saturday can you watch the kids. I’m supposed to be out of town tomorrow evening and not getting home until sometime Saturday evening. I told him I couldn’t that I had plans and that he wasn’t supposed to work the weekends because he was supposed to have the kids. The deal was when he got the job he didn’t have to work weekends unless he asked too. He works Monday – Friday already. He gets at least 40 hours in then. Sometimes a few more once in a while a little less. He gives me some story about how they changed stuff and everyone is doing it but him and one other guy and how they are telling him now he has to work it.

I tell him how she is sitting here upset and wants to know when he is going to take them for more than just a weekend. He just says I am working on it. Next year I am up for a week vacation I can save it until Summer and take it then maybe. Wow really how great of a dad are you? Your supposed to have your kid about 6 weeks but you think it is great you will have a week off. She wants to see you and spend time with you and you tell her maybe in a year I can spend more time with you other than just weekends. She tells me he told her it would take all of his check if he had to work and pay someone to watch them that’s why he can’t keep them. It would have cost him about $160 every week if that to have them for a few weeks over the summer. I even told him he didn’t have to pay me the time that he had them. He gives me a $100 a week so he would have put out $60 a week more than what he is putting out now. Plus if he really wanted to make it happen and it was going to cost him more than what he wanted to put out of his check I was going to have them every other weekend or every weekend. He could have worked over time here and there if that was really going to make or break him. I shouldn’t have to pay his daycare anyway. No one pays it for me so I can go to work that and the fact he didn’t take them over the summer is why we are stuck living the way we are right now. I was going to work the 6 weeks or so that he had them get us into a place and start paying on daycare so that when they came home I had it covered. Plus I could have started taking the money he would be paying me again to put toward it. Right now I have nothing to put toward daycare and I have nothing to put toward moving because every little bit I get goes to pay bills that need taken care of for us right now. That leaves none to save or do anything with.

I had to tell my daughter today that he may have to work Saturday. That messes my plans up too because I won’t be able to go out of town if he does because he won’t be taking them. She was up set and crying again because she had just asked me when he was picking them up tomorrow. RC is mad because I was supposed to make the trip with him tomorrow evening when he got off work. He didn’t want to ride by himself after working all day because it will be late when he gets there. But like I told him if they go and he leaves them somewhere and goes to work I am coming home to get them. He wants to leave them with a friend of his who has a 3 year old that is about the size of a 5 year old who hits her and does what he wants. I’m not leaving my baby over there for him to be smacking around and hitting. When he does it more than once or twice and no one does anything about it my 7 year old the big boy will hit him back. He don’t notice that kids are that much younger if they are that big and he don’t put up with anyone hitting his brother or picking on him. She don’t have room for them either they will all 4 be right on top of each other tripping over each other. Plus she don’t need to be pumping my kids for information and she will about whats going on with mommy and daddy and where they are living and mommies new boyfriend. She will have something smart to say about that and they don’t need to be pumped for info or smart comments made about things. They are having a hard enough time with out all that. He said something about my dad but my dad can’t keep up with the baby all day like that. The bigger two may not be so bad once in a while but the baby he just isn’t able to. RC said so what your saying is you should just stay here because you know it will probably happen. I said yeah I guess so because if something happens and he leaves them somewhere I will be coming home to pick them up. He says you can’t do anything about it where ever he leaves them. But yes I can I can go pick them up and take them and no one can say anything. They are my kids and if he isn’t there with them I have the right to have them. If he does that he will have to take me to court and get a court order to see them if he wants to take them again. I don’t see where he has any room to talk or get mad if it did happen and we had to come home to get them. It’s not like we haven’t had to stop what we were doing to come and get his kids just because their mom had them and decided she couldn’t handle them. Or be here at the drop of a hat to run them here and there an every where because when others want to take them they tell him what time they are picking them up and bring them back or what time he is to pick them up and come back and pick them up. It don’t matter if we have plans or whats going on he jumps and does it.

Then he wants to talk about when my kids go somewhere and if they don’t for some reason. He says he didn’t do this or he was supposed to do that. I told him one day look he comes and gets his kids at a set time and he brings them back at a set time. If I have something to do at the time he wants to come then he has to come before that or when I get back. I don’t drop every thing to be here at his call when he is ready. When they come home he tells me what time he is going to bring them and same thing. If I’m here fine if I’m not going to be there he either has to bring them before I go or wait until I get back. Then he will say I don’t have that to worry about with my ex because she hardly ever takes the kids and it’s only if I want to let her have them. Yeah that’s nice but you drop everything for their grandma your ex’s mom like that. She has no rights to them so she should be more flexible when she wants to see them. My kids dad wants to see them that’s great I want him to see them and want them to spend time with them. Even if I don’t like him and at times it would be easier if he wasn’t in the picture. But that is their dad and I will not tell them they can’t see him. Unless he leaves them somewhere they shouldn’t be. Then they will understand and he will have to take me to court.

I know I am just stressed and RC is too and we are trying to come together and make this work and it is a lot of hard work with 5 kids. Once we get moved I’m sure things will calm down. But this thing with the soon to be ex is crazy and he needs to grow the fuck up and start doing what he says he is going to do with these kids. I have told him before this is why I left you because you didn’t do what you said and was never here. I told him he could see his kids as long as he done what he told them and took them when he said he was going to be here. If he didn’t then he could forget it. He isn’t going to be there when he wants too or when it is easy for him and leave them sit crying and for me to take care of when he don’t. It isn’t fair to me and most of all it isn’t fair to them. I am not going to sugar coat it if he leaves them and don’t come. Just like I told my daughter the other day when she said it would cost all of his check. No it won’t and he won’t be paying me so I will be paying most your daycare why your there. How does he think it makes her feel when he sits there and says I can’t afford to keep you because I won’t have any money left if I do. She even said mommy if he works at night I can stay home with the boys and get up with them if they get up grandpa will be there so there will be an adult there. But he won’t have to get up or do anything I think I can handle it and do it all. My 8 year old shouldn’t have to be thinking about things like that. She shouldn’t have to be worried about taking care of anyone. She should know someone is going to do it and take care of her. I just feel so bad things are the way they are right now. I have been thinking really hard the last few days about moving back into my old house. It is a mess and I had everything turned off. They could do something with it any day but I have talked to them and they still want to try and work something out. I can’t work nothing out because I have no job. But I could probably tie things up for a few more months to buy me some time and get things worked out. I don’t know what to do anymore. my poor dogs are still up there two of them any way. I have to get them out of there this weekend. I was trying to get rid of the puppy but soon to be ex said he is going to take her for a little while. So I can bring my girl home. I feel horrible about them all being out there but I can only do so much.

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