The kids were sitting at the table eating tonight and started talking about their “girlfriends”, They are 4, 5, and 6yrs old. Mine the who is 6 has had his girl for about 3 years now. He starts off telling them if she ever falls in love with one of them he is going to crush them. Then he says let me tell you how your supposed to treat your girlfriend.

Rule one: when you go on a date tell her to talk about her feelings.

Rule one: never hit a girl

Rule two: Girls like hot and spoken people like me with spiky hair.

Rule one: Girls want you to be nice to them

Rule three: Show them love and respect

Rule three: Watch cartoons with them

Rule one: Grow up and marry them

Rule three: Cook with them

Rule one: Date them

Rule One: If my BB falls in love with you I will crush you

I have no idea where he gets this stuff from. But it sounds pretty good to me.  I love to just sit and listen to kids talk.

{August 26, 2012}   What You Are

How can a guy or girl sit and tell their partner they are this this and this and all these things she dose that they don’t like and turn around in the next breath and tell them they are still in love with them? They feel the same about them as they did when they first got together. I don’t understand this at all, If I felt that way about someone I wouldn’t be in love with them. If there were that many problems and that many things wrong with them and they had changed that much since we got together I think I would want to be splitting up. How can you love someone you feel has so many problems, faults or whatever you want to call it? How are you going to be with someone and not care how they are and how are you going to love them but not care how they are? I don’t know I just don’t get people a lot of times.

I know that you are not going to like everything that someone does and your not going to like everything about them. But when you sit there and come off with this list a mile long and then talk about how much they have changed what are you in love with? How are you going to tell them you don’t think they are going to change when they are trying to tell you why things are the way they are and how they feel? To me if I have a problem with something someone is doing or the way something is I am going to tell them and talk to them about why it is a problem and what needs to change. If they tell me why it is a problem and how they feel and that they want to change or that it is going to change I’m not going to tell them I don’t think they are going too. What about that makes them want to even try. What about that gives them hope that they really can? It’s like you have not faith in them. If you are the one with a problem with what is wrong or going on and the person is saying they know there is a problem and they want to change if you want to be with that person shouldn’t you support them? I see this so much with people it’s like why stay if you don’t think they are going to change and why even bring it up and talk about it like you want them to fix it if you don’t think they are going to any way? If you have that big of an issue with the things going on and truly feel they are not going to change why not just move on? Why talk to that person that way say them things to them and then turn around and say but I love you any way and even if I stop caring I will still love you. I don’t know about other people but if I really feel that way about someone I am willing to talk to them tell them what is going on how I feel and see if we can come up with something that will make us both happy and give them time to make changes and see if it is going to work. But once I get to that point that I don’t care or I don’t think that they are going to make the changes or they have showed me they aren’t going to make the changes then I’m not going to be there anymore either. Why waste my time and theirs. Why give them the wrong impression like everything is fine and we are great if they aren’t?

I don’t know maybe it is just me. I am pretty cut and dry about most things. One of three things are going to happen in any given situation, you will come to a agreement that both parties are happy with, the person feels it is really a problem and changes or the person don’t feel it is a problem isn’t willing to change or come to a happy middle ground agreement. Then you have to decide from there where things are going to go. Is that one of them things you can live with and say everyone is different your not going to like everything about a person or is it something that is a all or nothing kind of thing? And how much are you willing to live with before enough is enough and it becomes to much and you do decide to leave? I really think people make relationships way more complicated than they really are or really have to be.

{August 26, 2012}   The Mommy Rut

I can’t wait to get moved and everything set up and settled. I just want to get back to work and going to school. I don’t know what I want to take but I want to take something. I had something picked out but am thinking of taking it a different way. I love being at home and doing for and with my kids don’t get me wrong. But I also need to do somethings for me that make me happy. When me and father of the year split and I finally got him out of the house I had plans. I had planed how I wanted the next two years to go, where I wanted to be the things I wanted and everything. Pretty detailed plan of things I wanted. I love being with RC and it is nice living together but I wanted to wait before we moved in together. Things got to be such a mess and that didn’t happen. I feel like in the blur of things all my plans have gotten pushed to the side and have pretty much been thrown out the window. Between working around my three and school for the older two and a sitter for the younger one. Then someone to pick them up and take them if I need them too. But now I have three extra people and their job, school hours to work around and three other people to worry about doing stuff for and spending time with. I really wish things had worked out different and I had waited at least the year I had said to start with to move in together. Even when I did this it was supposed to be for a month or so and I was going to still get a place for me and the kids. Then when things didn’t work out with the kids like they were supposed too and we were here longer than planed we decided to just get a place together. Be a mess to move after all the kids getting use to being together then to pull them apart and toss them back together again. Didn’t seem right to them and seemed like more mess than it was worth.

But that was a big reason I didn’t want too so soon. I needed to get myself working and in school get a routine set up that worked and get things in place for me. My kids are a mess they aren’t bed kids or brats but after two years or more of mostly just having farther of the year who didn’t get onto them for anything and let them do what they want pretty much. Then getting use to me and their dad being split up the last 10 months and getting use to that. I have been pretty lean-ant on them with all that is going on. I know they need work they need to get back into listening better and picking up and cleaning up more after their self. I didn’t want anyone else to be there and see where they are because that isn’t them and they aren’t really like that. It isn’t their fault things are the way they are. I felt it would be easier to get me and them back on track if it was just me and them. Give them time to get use to it just being us also. I feel bad for the way I have let things go and the way things happen. I didn’t really talk to them about it before hand and things have been stressful all around. It is hard when a new adult comes into the picture and then to add two extra kids on top of it don’t help. I know I was about my daughters age when my mom and step dad got together and my brother and him came to live with us. It was a little easier for me because my step brother was 5 years older. It is harder for my kids because RC’s kids are younger than they are and they want to play more and things. Where as when my kids get home from school they are use to sitting down having a snack and doing homework just relaxing. His kids are up and going and all around wanting them to play play play. They are getting use to each other more now. My girl is coming around and starting to talk to RC more and listening more to him if he tells her to do something or ask her something. He has been talking them to school the last week since he got the new job. They have had time to talk after Elisha gets on the bus and when they are driving.

I just know I am not being fair to anyone right now. RC and I have had a lot of talks the last few weeks. I have been pretty down and just getting by or not even getting by. I have just fallen into that mommy rut of getting the kids ready for school making sure lunches are done uniforms are washed everyone is there on time everyone is picked up on time and shuttled to where they have to go or whatever. I have really let things at the house go haven’t done anything for myself. I want to get up and do stuff around the house I want it to be nice and to have people over I want to have dinner done when he gets home . But I just can’t force myself to get up and do the stuff. I know a lot of it is the fact that I am here 24/7 4 of the kids are in school but I still have one with me 24/7 even when the other two are in school. I have them all back by about 5. Even when it is just me and the baby I am still sitting here at the house. With money being tight the last few weeks and waiting on paycheck there in’t money to go anywhere or gas to even get there. I have pawned stuff just to get gas money. Hope to have enough to get threw this week. I feel like I am in this house 24/7 with kids 24/7 I look around at the stuff and I think it will be here tomorrow and guess what so will I so why rush pick it up. I know I shouldn’t feel that way but I do. I am trying to get use to all the changes and everything going on myself. I am not use to having this many people crammed in such a little space either. I can clean and it can be spotless but there is still stuff all over because we have stuff stored all over the house and packed in my truck that isn’t running. So it is still cluttered. I know when I have the space and everyone has their space I can get it all together and have the house together and keep it up. He don’t think so and he don’t think things are going to change. He says it shouldn’t matter where we are and how many people are living here. He don’t get it because he isn’t here all day every day. He even said the week that he was home the kids were in school so not even here all week that it was getting to him being here with them all the time like that. I don’t mind the kids I don’t mind having all the kids I am use to having a lot of kids around and dealing with kids. I won’t lie it does get to me but most the time is when everything else is bothering me already. I most the time don’t mind having all the kids and being here doing for them and things. But I need that break a way from them and they need that break a way from me. Even if I just work 15 or 20 hours a week and do online classes. Right now I get maybe 12 hours ever two weeks kid free. Some people are ok doing it all the time but I am one I have to have that a way time and more than just a hour or so here and there. Even if the kids aren’t here it still bothers me I want to be out doing something. I would rather be working or going to school then anything else. I don’t shop or go to the movies and things like that even when I can. I like to go to lunch with friends now and then but that’s about it. I have all ways said if I ever won a bunch of money I would be in school and or working still even if I didn’t have too. I have worked since I was 14 I like to work and now that I can go to school and take things I want and do things I want I like to go to school.

I feel like I fall into this rut of just everyday to do stuff and it sucks the life out of me. I was not meant to be a stay at home person. I take after my dad a lot when it comes to that he don’t really go out or do much but he will work all the time. It has drove him crazy just being home now that he can’t work. He hates it but he is like me he don’t want to go shopping to a movie fishing or anything like that. I have to be thinking I have to be doing something or learning something to feel like I am really relaxing or doing something. Just doing mindless mundane stuff does nothing for me. I get bored with things very easy too. So if I am not thinking or doing stuff being challenged I may as well be sitting there staring at the wall.

{August 23, 2012}   The Worst Person To Deal With

Sometimes the hardest person in the world to deal with is yourself!!! I don’t think you ever really do fully no matter how hard you try or how old you get. There is always going to be something from the past thats to burnt in, to ingrained to ever fully deal with.

{August 23, 2012}   Tight

Man I am so very thankful that RC got this new job the pay is a lot better than his last and it is better than the one he was going for to start with. But him being out of work that week has made things so tight around here the last couple of weeks and we still have until the 31st before either one of us get any money. He will only get paid for a week because they hold out a week. We have to catch rent up and that will leave us gas money maybe until he gets a full check two weeks after that. It may be a little longer before we get to move now since we have to play catch up and get things paid back.

One good thing about this job is the owner of the company owns a bunch of houses and things around. His boss said he is going to call him and see if he has anything that will work for us open and see if he can get us into it. If he can we may get to move when we wanted too. The manager where we are has started about things of the kids we have under our window. It was never a problem before but now the lady next to us who stole my stuff I guess has said something about it so she says we have to move it all. We don’t have any where to store the stuff. I can’t wait to tell her we are moving she has been rude since we moved here. I have found the people in this little area are all pretty rude. We are in an area where it is mostly old money and if you just work and don’t have money they don’t have the time of day for you and would prefer you find somewhere else to live. Me and a friend were talking about it before they aren’t very family friendly either to me. We want to move about 8 miles a way but it is a hole different world there. They are all about the kids and family everyone is pretty much in the same boat. Everyone is a lot friendlier and nicer. It is between here and where I just moved from. My girl went to school in that area last year and is back there this year. It is a drive to take her but my boy catches the bus right around the corner from her school to go to his because he is much farther a way. But it is the best school for him with his disability. I looked for one north of us or around us but I really couldn’t find one. We wanted to move about 5 to 10 miles north more like country area but there wasn’t any schools.


{August 17, 2012}   Waiting Game

It’s barely 7am and I am sitting here waiting to to get dressed and take the younger kids to school. The two older ones have been up and ready they just left a little bit ago. Normally I would be gone taking them to the bus and school. But RC got the other job yesterday and he starts today. He has to be there about 20 minutes after my last one goes to school. To save gas and time he is going to drop them in the morning and I am going to drop his two off since they go close to the house and not until like 8.

I hate to wait it’s ok if it is a few minutes but when I have to wait hours it drives me crazy. Like now I really don’t have anything else that needs to be done. I don’t feel good and didn’t sleep good last night. I would like to lay down but as soon as I do and get to sleep it would be time to be getting ready. Plus even though they don’t have to get up early they are already up and the baby has gotten up. Once I take them to school I spend the rest of the day waiting for it to be time to do what I have to do next or mostly just for everyone to get home. Normally I would go out to the flea markets or yard sales things like that just to get out of the house and waste a little time. But we are trying to save money and that takes a lot of gas and I would find a ton of things I want to buy. Today I have one of the kids home with me since they don’t have school on Friday. I got news for him when the baby goes to take a nap we are all going to be taking a nap since I don’t feel good and didn’t sleep last night.

I am so glad RC got this other job and not the one at the tire place he was going to go to. He is going to be making $5 more and hour at his new job. He works 8 to 6 through the week and 8 to 1 on Saturday. That still gives us time to go out and do stuff with the kids when he gets off and things or to go out and do something together if we don’t have the kids. I don’t think he has to work Sunday’s at all. They rotate Saturdays so he will have one or two off a month but he told them that for right now he would work them since we are trying to get moved and things like that. He wants to get moved pay the car off and a couple other things. Then he wants to get some money in the bank. That’s good because our bills are going to be going up when we move we are going to be going into the holiday season and things may get slow at work so he won’t be making as much a week. Good to make as much as he can now so that we can have it if it gets a little slow here and there and if something ever happen and he needed to take time off.

Well I thought I would do this and pass some time but that really didn’t work out very good. It sure didn’t take as long as I thought. I am back to waiting again guess I should go referee the kids since all they want to do is fight this morning.

{August 15, 2012}   Things Are Looking Up

RC quit his job last Tuesday so he has been home the last week I don’t blame him for doing it there was only him and one other guy working. The other guy was always playing on the computer or at lunch forever. Then if RC had to take off for a doctors appointment for court stuff he would complain. When stuff came back the other guy worked on they would jump on him for it not being right and crazy stuff. The shop is kind of split in half the owners got divorced a while back and are still trying to run the shop together. The wife I guess is trying to get it all under her control but until she does she can’t really do anything. She don’t like the other guy either but her ex does and keeps him. He already had another job when he quit he is just waiting on them to call and tell him what day he can start. He went done the drug test and physical for it last week. The corprate office had to run the paper work and give all the ok. They did had a question about something and instead of just being able to give them the proof of what they wanted and them saying ok they have to run all the paper work again and wait for it to come back. I still don’t like the idea of this job but he says that when I get ready to go back to work he will find something different. He says it is more money it will get us moved faster and that we won’t have to worry about paying stuff. That he isn’t going to do more than his set hours and then come home.

The kids went back to school last Wednesday so we have been working all that out. We have 4 kids in 3 schools now. Mine go 8 mile and farther a way to school. I am lucky my middle one catches the bus at 7 an my older one can be dropped off at 730. He catches the bus less than a mile from her school. I just wait for his bus to come and then take her and sit with her until they open the gate for her to get in. It’s just a lot of sitting and waiting but they are both at schools that they like and that work with them the way they need. They are both happy and smart as can be.

RC’s are both at the same school closer to us where they went last year and the little one is back in daycare again. He said that the one didn’t want to change schools that’s why he didn’t take them out and change them. We went around about that for a while because he never told me this. We talked about it and decided to give it a try for a month or two and see how it is working when we move. He said he would drop them at school or daycare on his way to work and pick them up on break and bring them home or meet me half way. I don’t know how long he is going to want to do that. The older one gets picked up my his grandma now because I can’t be back in time to pick him up. We have been picking the little one up from daycare. He was saying tonight he don’t like it because when she picks him up she don’t bring him home even if we are home she keeps him until 5 or 6 then calls and says he is ready to come home and waits for him to pick him up after saying she will bring him home. I know he is getting tired of picking him up and he don’t like that he don’t get to see him after school but for a few minutes before it is time to go to bed.

Then tonight he got a call about a different job it is closer to where we want to move and it pays more than the one he had or the one he is waiting to start. But then he won’t be coming all the way back up here every morning so it would be a speacel trip to take the kids to school and to pick them up and he probably won’t be able to pick them up with the hours it is. I already told him I will not be going back to the daycare to pick the kids up. The lady was very rude to me the last time I went and had been rude to me from the first time I went there. I just hope he gets the job he was called about tonight. I think it would be a much better job for him and it would be much better at giving him time to spend with the kids and things. He thinks he don’t see them now he really isn’t going to be seeing them much with the other.

We have took the last week to get a lot of things done that needed to be done and talked about a lot of stuff. We have gotten a lot of different news the last few weeks from different places lucky so far it has all been good new. We just have to wait on all the peaces to the puzzle to fall in place in order to use it all. Starting with the job. If he gets that then other things we were trying to do will fall into place and we will get to move as long as we can find a place by the first week of next month.

{August 8, 2012}   Love My Friends

Boy has it been a day, My soon to be ex posted something on his facebook things about someone stealing his women!! Bahahaha how did he steal something from him that he didn’t have at the time? Of course the first one to comment was the one who I done said something to before about getting into the middle of things between us. Up until we finally split and he moved out she didn’t talk to either of us anymore. She told him not to worry about it and that he done him a favor and that I am his nightmare now referring to RC. I have said very little when he post things and try not to get all into things on there. All though there has been a few times I did say something because it was lies or whatever he was telling. She said that I couldn’t not say something. I let her have it and told him that I wasn’t with him when we got together so he didn’t steal anything from him. I wasn’t real nice about it. I said more than a few 4 letter words. I know it probably wasn’t right but I’m over the poor him and this one running her mouth about stuff that has nothing to do with her. She told him when we were still together that he could do better and things. Called herself  trying to help. I told her about her and her old man and how she told me this and that about him and how unhappy she really was and all kinds of stuff. She then come back and told me I wasn’t a christian and I split my family up and that I was going to hell and all kinds of stuff. Then she said something about she knew that I cheated on my ex with my boyfriend now and that we were seen together so she knew it for a fact that I was talking to people before he ever moved out and before we ever split up. I don’t know how all this happen unless it was in her freaken dreams because me and RC didn’t even know each other until March. Me and ex split in October. We had split before that but he didn’t move out until the night before Halloween. But she say two or three times that she knows for fact I was with him well before we split up. I said I don’t know who seen us together but I would like for them to come tell me they seen us together before we split up because I will tell them to their face they didn’t see us and it is a lie because it is and they are. I asked her a few times and she never said anything. Tried to say the stuff I said about her wasn’t true and I was spreading rumors and shit. Then I said it isn’t rumors when it came straight from you. She still tried to say it didn’t until I told her I still have the text saved in my phone if she would like me to post them for every one. She has never said a word since then to anyone.

Before that why she was saying all this shit to me two friends of mine got on there with out me even knowing it and started telling her she was wrong and the stuff she was saying was a lie and that they knew we hadn’t been together until at least march. They were telling her she needed to stop and that the things she was saying about being a christian and stuff wasn’t right if she really was she shouldn’t be gossiping and tearing people down and talking about the things she was when she didn’t know what went on behind closed doors and things.  She came back and said a lot of stuff but they both came back and stood up to her and let her know she was wrong.

Not that I wanted what happen to happen or to happen the way that it did but in a way I have to say I am glad it did. I am really happy that they both came out and said something to her and set things straight rather people believe them or her I don’t know and really don’t care. But it is about time that someone stood up and said no this isn’t right and you shouldn’t be doing this. Because 100% of the time from the time we split he has posted shit and everyone has poor him poor him and acted like I was the worse thing ever and I did something so horrible. Others will say that isn’t right and we are tired of seeing it and stuff but we don’t want to get in the middle of things. I under stand 10o% not wanting to get in the middle of things or not take sides. I am not asking anyone to take sides and the two girls today who said something didn’t take sides. They both said many times they felt bad for what happen but this was between me and him and if he put something no one should respond the way they did and that no one should be dogging the other even if they did take sides and that they were both our friends and was there for either one of us but that it wasn’t right for her to say the things she said and really not right for her to be saying things that were not true at all. If more people would do that then he wouldn’t keep posting the whoa is me poor me my life is so horrible stuff. He would see that everyone knows it isn’t me or just me who messed things up and that he needs to grow up and move on and stop trying to cause drama.

Them doing that and my cuz calling to see if I was ok and checking in when he seen what was going on it’s been a pretty good day. I have talked to the three of them most the day.

{August 7, 2012}   The Doormat Aka: Me

For most of my life growing up and after I was grown I took a lot of shit off of a lot of people. High school I stood up for myself a lot more and once I became an adult I did to a point. Over the last few years since I have been pretty much doing this all on my own and I had DCF called on me for no resason I have stopped taking shit from anyone. You have went as far as trying to have my kids taken away you have went to far. After that I said no more. I stopped being there for everyone at the drop of a hat I stopped taking shit off of people. Before if someone needed something it didn’t matter what they said or how they done I would go do it. Knowing they wouldn’t call or come around again unless they needed something or was trying to cause problems.  I would just over look it and forget about it. When everything happen last summer and with everything else going on I just snapped and said no more not happening.

Since I have moved in with RC I have stopped talking to a few people around here. Well one I stopped talking to before I moved in here. When I moved in there is a old lady next to us that we talked to all the time and even gave dinner too most nights. She told me I could store some things in her extra room that she didn’t use. I told her I would pay her and he was going to do some work on her car for her. It was over there for about a month and then she tells me the 4th of July I had to get it out of there she was having a inspection of her place. We already knew that it was going to be at the end of the month. My stuff wouldn’t have caused a problem but she said it had to be out. I was going to move it that day and she said no do it tomorrow since it was the holiday. I didn’t like the idea but said ok because we had plans with friends and I didn’t want RC to have to rush and move it. She then calls me the next day knowing we couldn’t get it out until that evening after 5 when he got off work and started cussing me out about getting that stuff out of there. I told her I was going to but she knew I couldn’t do it until he got off and that he burnt his foot up the night before I was waiting on the kid to get home across the way and him and his friend were going to move it. She started about how I was screwing her and causing her problems and all this stuff. I was hot I told her off and hung up. Then in a little bit someone knocks on my door. It was the manager telling me I needed to move my stuff from over there and saying that I told her that I wasn’t going to move it because someone had a hurt back and stuff. I told her the same thing, that she knew it couldn’t be done until he got home and that now I had to wait on the kid and his friend to get home. She said ok and went on. I called RC as soon as it happen and told him everything. When he got home we went and moved it. She started running her mouth then why we were going in and out trying to get it out. I went outside and him and a friend moved it. I can’t lift stuff because of where I hurt my back and things. I wasn’t going to stand in there why they did it and she ran her mouth because I would have went off again and it wouldn’t have been good. Then when I got it out I found that a bunch of my stuff was missing. Things that she knew meant a lot to me. I said something to her about it and of course she swears she never touched it and that her granddaughters didn’t do it. I know they did they were over there that day after we got into the argument. I could hear them going threw stuff. But nothing I could do. We got into it that evening some how she ended up at my door. I closed it and walked a way and she opened it. I slammed it closed and told her she did anything else I would get her for home invasion it is against the law for her to open my door and walk in when she wanted and slammed it shut again. I have not said two words to her since then. I see her out there now and then and I walk buy like she isn’t even there.

The other one is his mom she lives down the way and across from us. Before I ever moved in she had me set up this passion party with a lady and invite people to it. I talked to her a few times about it and then the next time I seen her like a week or two before the party she never said two words to me. She hasn’t spoke to me since then. I ask him what was going on or what her problem was he said he had no clue and to just have it at his house if I wanted too. Then something happen and they stopped talking too. She drinks way to much and lies and tries to start trouble. She tried to start something between me and the lady next to us granddaughter before I ever moved in. I told her then I didn’t care if she came over or not I didn’t have a problem with her. But she didn’t like her so she thought she could turn me against her and I would run her off or something. She just isn’t someone you want to be around. I wasn’t sad she stopped talking to me at all. The only reason I really talked to her and put up with her was because it is his mom and I was trying to be nice. She hadn’t really done anything or said anything to me. But when she done that with the party I wasn’t happy and it didn’t bother me she wasn’t talking to me. The lady next to us I got into it with to start with said she is jealous of me RC and our kids. I don’t know. She probably is because we have our kids and are raising them. More than she can say she did for hers. Even after I moved in she never tried to talk to me or anything. Then right after that RC and her got into it over something and she stopped talking to any of us. Again fine with me. Then she got mad a few weeks later and called and left him a message and said she was going to call and report that we had to many kids in the apartment an all kinds of stuff. She left this on his phone when he didn’t answer. She has done this 3 times since I been here. The last time I was pissed and went to go down there and confront her about it. She done crossed that line don’t threaten to cause problems for me and you sure don’t threaten to cause problems with my kids. RC’s dad called and said something to do her and she cooled it. We hadn’t heard from her in a while. Then his kids wanted to go down there so they have been going back and forth the last few weeks and stayed down there a few times. That’s fine they are not mine they are his and that is his family. I don’t want her in our house or to come around and I will not talk to her again. I don’t feel I should have too after what she has done and I feel letting her come around and in my home just gives her the chance to take any little things she see’s that is nothing and twist it into something it isn’t and the next time she gets mad her call and report it. I don’t feel I should have to be put in that situation. He got kind of mad when I said something the other night about not wanting her at our house when we move and not talking to her. He said something about the problem I had with my mom last summer and things. I have very limited contact with my mom and she may come over 4 or 5 times a year. She has no problems with him and has never threaten to cause problems for us. I could see if it was the way it is between him and her as it is with his mom and me but it isn’t.

He acts like I should just forget about how she has done and what she has threaten and not be best friends with her but tolerate her. I just can’t she calls me to ask me stuff about the kids or to get a hold of him and I don’t answer it. I have her number in my phone I know who it is and I send it right to voice mail. Then tell him she is calling if he wants to find out why he can if not ok that is between them. Just like this one next two me I had it out with. She was telling the kids wife the  other day how she missed me and how she wished we were still friends and the good times we had and stuff. I can’t go back and be friends with her either. People like that I feel I can’t trust and trust is the number one thing with me and people. I can love you to death but if I don’t feel I can trust you I can’t have you around me. That was the old me I was friends with everyone no matter what. I knew who I could trust and who I couldn’t. I had friends I would tell anything to and do anything with. Then I had friends that I couldn’t say and do somethings in front of because I had to worry about what they might think or say or that they might tell someone something I didn’t want them to even if i told them not too. I just decided that if I had to worry about what I say and do as far as just my normal every day life and things around people and if they are going to get into my business and try to start trouble I didn’t need them around. I don’t feel he should expect me to except having them around either. I am not going to be the door mat for everyone to say and do how they want no more. If I over look it with them or his mom then next time it’s going to be well it’s just this person or they didn’t really mean it. Like he says with his mom she is all talk she was just mad. Well I don’t need someone around and in my life who is going to try to threaten or push me into doing what they want when they want it.

{August 6, 2012}   So Much To Work On

The last few weeks have been ruff for me. I am trying really hard to not get down and depressed about things but it is starting to get harder and harder. The kids come home every weekend crying they don’t want to be here and they want to be with daddy. My big boy who never wants to be at daddy’s more than a night maybe two tells me every day he wants to live with his dad and wants to know how many more wake up’s before he gets to go back. It kills me because he has always been right there no matter what if mommy was there or it was what mommy said he was ok with it. Like he knew it was all going to be ok. Now it’s like he can’t stand me. I know that isn’t true but I feel like it. I feel like they all have given up on me and that I have screwed everything up for them. they are everything to me I always try to talk to them and get their input on things and try to take what they want and their feelings into whatever it is we are doing and make sure everyone is ok with it. This time I didn’t do that. I didn’t think this was how things were going to be I did tell them how they were supposed to be and they were ok with that. When things changed we were in the middle of moving out of our house and they weren’t with me so I couldn’t and there wasn’t much I could have done at that point. I feel like I have been backed into a corner an every one turned against me because of what their dad has done. He is the one who backed out on what was supposed to be done if he hadn’t things wouldn’t be this way. I have been here for my kids instead of  leaving them when things are such a mess and they don’t even seem to care.

Now RC is about to take a new job in the next week or so and I really don’t like the idea of that. He will be working more hours and weekends. We will never see him and it will be almost impossible for me to get a job or go to school with the hours he will be working. The kids and I will never see him. He will go in around when they go to school and get home about bedtime. I told him today that I have already lived in that situation and that I wouldn’t live in it again. I want to work I want to go to school and I can’t do that when he goes to work at 8 or 9 am and don’t get off until 7 or 8 that night then has to drive home and things. I am not putting my life on hold again like I did before. We talked a little bit this morning and we are supposed to talk tonight after we get the kids in bed. I don’t know what is going to happen. I want to be with him I just didn’t want to be living together right now. He says he just wants to get us a bigger place and he wants every one to be happy and I understand that and love that he wants to do that for all of us. But at the same time you can’t do that at the expense of your family. We have to get together and work more as a family. We talk but it still seems that we are both doing our own thing and then dealing with it after the fact and I don’t want to be that way. It can’t be that way or it isn’t going to work out. I hope that when we talk tonight we get everything pretty much worked out once and for all. We are both just to use to doing it on our own and not having to worry about talking to anyone else about things or worrying about anyone else but our self and our kids. If I could just get my truck sold we would be ok with where he is. I know he don’t like it where he is but he could look for another job that isn’t going to have him gone all the time too. I don’t know this could go either way tonight everything could be great or it could all blow up. I don’t really see there being a happy middle with some of this. He knows and I know. I just want to get some things worked out before we move.

et cetera
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