{August 26, 2012}   The Mommy Rut

I can’t wait to get moved and everything set up and settled. I just want to get back to work and going to school. I don’t know what I want to take but I want to take something. I had something picked out but am thinking of taking it a different way. I love being at home and doing for and with my kids don’t get me wrong. But I also need to do somethings for me that make me happy. When me and father of the year split and I finally got him out of the house I had plans. I had planed how I wanted the next two years to go, where I wanted to be the things I wanted and everything. Pretty detailed plan of things I wanted. I love being with RC and it is nice living together but I wanted to wait before we moved in together. Things got to be such a mess and that didn’t happen. I feel like in the blur of things all my plans have gotten pushed to the side and have pretty much been thrown out the window. Between working around my three and school for the older two and a sitter for the younger one. Then someone to pick them up and take them if I need them too. But now I have three extra people and their job, school hours to work around and three other people to worry about doing stuff for and spending time with. I really wish things had worked out different and I had waited at least the year I had said to start with to move in together. Even when I did this it was supposed to be for a month or so and I was going to still get a place for me and the kids. Then when things didn’t work out with the kids like they were supposed too and we were here longer than planed we decided to just get a place together. Be a mess to move after all the kids getting use to being together then to pull them apart and toss them back together again. Didn’t seem right to them and seemed like more mess than it was worth.

But that was a big reason I didn’t want too so soon. I needed to get myself working and in school get a routine set up that worked and get things in place for me. My kids are a mess they aren’t bed kids or brats but after two years or more of mostly just having farther of the year who didn’t get onto them for anything and let them do what they want pretty much. Then getting use to me and their dad being split up the last 10 months and getting use to that. I have been pretty lean-ant on them with all that is going on. I know they need work they need to get back into listening better and picking up and cleaning up more after their self. I didn’t want anyone else to be there and see where they are because that isn’t them and they aren’t really like that. It isn’t their fault things are the way they are. I felt it would be easier to get me and them back on track if it was just me and them. Give them time to get use to it just being us also. I feel bad for the way I have let things go and the way things happen. I didn’t really talk to them about it before hand and things have been stressful all around. It is hard when a new adult comes into the picture and then to add two extra kids on top of it don’t help. I know I was about my daughters age when my mom and step dad got together and my brother and him came to live with us. It was a little easier for me because my step brother was 5 years older. It is harder for my kids because RC’s kids are younger than they are and they want to play more and things. Where as when my kids get home from school they are use to sitting down having a snack and doing homework just relaxing. His kids are up and going and all around wanting them to play play play. They are getting use to each other more now. My girl is coming around and starting to talk to RC more and listening more to him if he tells her to do something or ask her something. He has been talking them to school the last week since he got the new job. They have had time to talk after Elisha gets on the bus and when they are driving.

I just know I am not being fair to anyone right now. RC and I have had a lot of talks the last few weeks. I have been pretty down and just getting by or not even getting by. I have just fallen into that mommy rut of getting the kids ready for school making sure lunches are done uniforms are washed everyone is there on time everyone is picked up on time and shuttled to where they have to go or whatever. I have really let things at the house go haven’t done anything for myself. I want to get up and do stuff around the house I want it to be nice and to have people over I want to have dinner done when he gets home . But I just can’t force myself to get up and do the stuff. I know a lot of it is the fact that I am here 24/7 4 of the kids are in school but I still have one with me 24/7 even when the other two are in school. I have them all back by about 5. Even when it is just me and the baby I am still sitting here at the house. With money being tight the last few weeks and waiting on paycheck there in’t money to go anywhere or gas to even get there. I have pawned stuff just to get gas money. Hope to have enough to get threw this week. I feel like I am in this house 24/7 with kids 24/7 I look around at the stuff and I think it will be here tomorrow and guess what so will I so why rush pick it up. I know I shouldn’t feel that way but I do. I am trying to get use to all the changes and everything going on myself. I am not use to having this many people crammed in such a little space either. I can clean and it can be spotless but there is still stuff all over because we have stuff stored all over the house and packed in my truck that isn’t running. So it is still cluttered. I know when I have the space and everyone has their space I can get it all together and have the house together and keep it up. He don’t think so and he don’t think things are going to change. He says it shouldn’t matter where we are and how many people are living here. He don’t get it because he isn’t here all day every day. He even said the week that he was home the kids were in school so not even here all week that it was getting to him being here with them all the time like that. I don’t mind the kids I don’t mind having all the kids I am use to having a lot of kids around and dealing with kids. I won’t lie it does get to me but most the time is when everything else is bothering me already. I most the time don’t mind having all the kids and being here doing for them and things. But I need that break a way from them and they need that break a way from me. Even if I just work 15 or 20 hours a week and do online classes. Right now I get maybe 12 hours ever two weeks kid free. Some people are ok doing it all the time but I am one I have to have that a way time and more than just a hour or so here and there. Even if the kids aren’t here it still bothers me I want to be out doing something. I would rather be working or going to school then anything else. I don’t shop or go to the movies and things like that even when I can. I like to go to lunch with friends now and then but that’s about it. I have all ways said if I ever won a bunch of money I would be in school and or working still even if I didn’t have too. I have worked since I was 14 I like to work and now that I can go to school and take things I want and do things I want I like to go to school.

I feel like I fall into this rut of just everyday to do stuff and it sucks the life out of me. I was not meant to be a stay at home person. I take after my dad a lot when it comes to that he don’t really go out or do much but he will work all the time. It has drove him crazy just being home now that he can’t work. He hates it but he is like me he don’t want to go shopping to a movie fishing or anything like that. I have to be thinking I have to be doing something or learning something to feel like I am really relaxing or doing something. Just doing mindless mundane stuff does nothing for me. I get bored with things very easy too. So if I am not thinking or doing stuff being challenged I may as well be sitting there staring at the wall.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

et cetera
%d bloggers like this: