{September 14, 2012}   Losing My Mind

I haven’t been around much because I have been way to much of a mess to do anything the last few weeks. I feel so sleep deprived it isn’t even funny. I can sleep 5 hours or 10 and still feel like I haven’t slept at all and can’t hold my eyes open. It is all I can do to hold them open and watch the kids all day. They are all on my last nerve from the time they get out of bed until they go back I can’t wait. Just being around does it. I know it is from being so sleepy. My little one won’t nap in the day time and is up by 63o most every day. If he naps it is right at time to leave or in the truck running around to pick the other kids up.

Me and RC haven’t been talking much he don’t understand how I feel. He says every time he talks to me I cry I know I do. i can’t help it by the time he gets here in the evening all I want to do is cry or run a way. By the time I get the kids to bed it is all I can do not to cry and I lose most nights. The other night I wanted to drink a bottle of liquor but I know that won’t help anything and that I can’t so I didn’t. I just cried and took a shower. Crazy thing I never cry in the bathroom I don’t know why but that is always been my one place I can go and get it together and not cry. That don’t even work anymore. The house is a major mess I have slacked on it so much the last couple weeks. I know he is really unhappy about that. I know he is working longer hours and doing a lot of work when he is at work and he is tired when he gets home he don’t feel like doing it. He shouldn’t have too. But when it is all I can do to hold my eyes open and make sure the kids don’t kill themselves or each other I can’t force myself to get up and do anything hardly. I have done a few things that needed to be done. But nothing major and not what really needs it.

Tomorrow he leaves for Tenn until midnight Monday/Tuesday morning. The kids are going with their dad sometime Saturday evening until Sometime Sunday evening. I can’t tell you how happy I am for that and how bad I feel for wanting them to go and not wanting them to be here. They are my kids and I love them but I need a break. I need a big break but that isn’t going to happen so I am grabbing any little one I can get right now. No matter how much I sleep or sleep in I am still sleepy no time after I get up. My friend is going to come why everyone is gone Saturday and help me try to get the house back in order and put together a little better for so many of us living here right now.

I know RC is stressed too with talking to his daughter and all that is going on with her. I know he is worried about her and things too. I haven’t really talk to him about it I have been so wore out. I feel bad I haven’t talk to him about it but by the time he gets done talking to her in the evening and I get the kids to bed and the way things have been with us I just hadn’t. It isn’t that I don’t care I just hadn’t really thought about it. He had been telling me and we had been talking about it but then the last week or so with things the way they are he hasn’t and I haven’t asked. He said something about her last night I don’t know what to say to him. What do you say to someone who just found their kid and then to find out they are so sick and things. I hope that everything goes good when he goes up there and they don’t end up at the ER or in the hospital for something. They are going to go to the mountains, fishing and out to dinner why he is there. He will get to spend Saturday evening all Sunday and most of Monday with her. I hope they have a good time.

I hope that this break everyone is getting from everyone and the break I am getting from everyone helps. Everyone has been in a crabby unhappy mood lately. I have been the worst one of them all and I am sure that is why the kids aren’t happy. I try not to say to much to them because they really aren’t being that bad just doing things kids do. But feeling the way I am right now they may as well be setting off bombs and stealing cars or something. It is so late and they haven’t eaten and I just want to send them to bed. They are asking to eat and I am waiting on RC to get back from seeing his boys and bring a pizza so they can eat. I am getting ready to just make them sandwiches and send them to bed. I feel like such a horrible mom for feeling this way and thinking like that. But for my well being it is the best thing at this point.

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