{September 24, 2012}   Panic Anxiety

It’s back and it feels like it has consumed me and it is just going to get worse although I am not sure how it could get worse than it is. I don’t know why I didn’t notice it before I just blamed it on the hormones. I know a lot of different things play a factor in it, it isn’t just the hormones, whats going on or nothing else. It is everything all together. The panic and anxiety the fight or flight is a big part of what has been wrong and why I feel the way I have. It’s the panic attacks they have come back worse than ever and all at once. I have not dealt with them in almost 15 years. I may start to have a little one here or there but I know when it is trying to come on and can bring myself out of it. That is maybe once or twice a year if that. These just hit all at once and with out me even realize it until now. I guess maybe I just got to comfortable in not thinking about it and thinking that I was ok. I went through really bad depression and anxiety when I was in Jr High. I have dealt with depression a lot over the years. Way more than the panic attacks and things like that. Before I had the panic attacks and things supper bad. But since then it was always just dealing with depression from time to time. Most the time all it took was to change things and get out of what ever it was that was causing the problem.

I think the attacks came from feeling like I was losing had lost control and everything I didn’t want was happening. Then the fear of causing problems and things didn’t help I just kind of shut down. The attacks took over. I didn’t notice it was the attacks and not the hormones until tonight. The kids dad is going back to work tomorrow I have to get them to school and keep the baby all day until he gets home at whatever time tomorrow evening. Probably 8 or 9pm and he will leave by 5am. I have done nothing but think about it all day it just keeps nagging at me and bothering me. I know it isn’t a big deal I can do it I have done it many times before, I have been doing it for months now. But at the same time all I can think is how horrible it is and how all I want to do is run and not be here. The thought of waking up here tomorrow I feel like something is sitting on my chest and smothering me. I don’t feel down or unhappy anymore, I don’t feel depressed any more. I just feel fear now. I feel like I could just cry and I probably would if I hadn’t done so much over the past few weeks. I don’t know if I could cry a tear if my life depended on it at this point. I feel bad for the way I feel because I love my kids and want to be here for them and do everything they need done for them. But  at the same time I just want to be left alone. Locked in a cool dark room and left to just stay until I feel better.

It is so hard to be nice right now. I keep snapping at the kids. Their dad is driving me crazy I have made it very clear I don’t want to be with him I haven’t in years and nothing he can say or do at this point can change the way I feel. If he wanted to do that he should have tried harder before it got to this point. He keeps wanting to touch me and rub me and pat me. I keep moving pulling a way and stuff but he is making it very hard to not just go off on him. He keeps telling me how bad he feels for what happen and how bad he feels that we aren’t together and how he loves me so much and wants us back together and on and on. It is so hard to even act like it isn’t driving me insane just having him in the same house. Then he says to me tonight can I just hold you? I said no you can’t he went on. I am going to be moving into my truck tomorrow night because I am not in for another day like this. Right now I am so sleepy I can’t hardly hold my eyes open.

[…] Or Is The Situation Causing The Depression)  and just in the last month I wrote this one on Panic Anxiety. . I thought I had done pretty good dealing with the depression after the first post. I was feeling […]

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