One Year Ago

One year ago today my ex husband moved out of our house and around the corner with a friend. It felt so good to have him out of the house and to finally feel free. It was nice to be able to walk threw the house and not have  him there. To go out and sit with the kids with out him being there. It got to where I stayed in my room most of the time when he was home. We started doing things again and having fun. We started living our lives again. I had been so down and so unhappy I kind of stopped doing anything. I started going threw my house and cleaning it out and putting it back together how I wanted it and everything.

The kids weren’t sure what to think really my girl wanted to go live with her dad when we told them what was going on and he was going to be leaving. My big boy didn’t really say much he didn’t really act like it bothered him but I could tell it did. He would get up in the night and come get in my bed he never done that. He would ask things once in a while. He I think had a harder time understanding what was going on so it didn’t hit him right a way. Later when he understood better he would talk about it a little more. The baby had no clue what was going on it really didn’t bother him. Ex still came and took the older two to school and would come over after work and on his days off and see them. He just didn’t eat here and stay here at night. They would go with him on the weekends and stay. To everyone else it was a huge shock and they all thought it was just a temporary thing. They all swore we would get back together and just knew we could work things out. We were the “perfect couple” as everyone said.

I had made so many plans and knew what I wanted out of life. I knew what I needed to do to get there and was in the process of putting it all together and making it happen. I had started going to church again and even got into a group for women dealing with divorce and different things in life. I was getting out and seeing old friends and making new ones. Everything was going great.

We got threw the holidays and I got a job. We held out until tax time got our many back and me and the kids moved into a new house just the 4 of us and the dogs. We went threw all the rooms and got new stuff and decorated them just how we wanted. We were able to do them all not just the kids rooms. We had a home that felt like home again. It was alive with all the laughter and friends who would come over. It still bothered the kids that me and their dad weren’t together but they were getting more use to the way things were.

We had a fun summer they went on their trip to NC and stayed with their dad for half the Summer. He was coming around and starting to realize that it was to late and that we weren’t getting back together. He was starting to focused on the kids and do what he should for them and really be a dad. Summer came to a close and we all started school in August  Me and the two older kids. I started some online classes so I could work them around all the kids had going on and work it’s self. Our new place is right by the school and the bus stop so it makes it so much easier and the daycare is just down the road. I have two really close friends that live close by so if something comes up and I really have to I can call one of them and they are around to help out. It’s nice because we all help each other out. We are all doing really good in school and waiting for the holiday break so we can spend some more time together. Sometimes it is hard to get in all the time we want or to get to go to the places we want with all the different schools and work and activity’s but we are still happy none the less. But we always love spending that time together. Getting ready for the holidays.

This year at tax time we are talking about moving a way. We want to go north some where. Maybe GA or SC not really sure yet. Tenn is nice too but don’t really know to much about that area. We are going to do some research and see what we find for jobs places to live and schools for everyone. We want to move somewhere we can be out in the country and a way from every thing. Well not to far out but just out where we aren’t right on top of the person that lives next to you. Somewhere the kids can build forts and tree houses and run and play and not worry about a thing. If we decide not to move this year then we are going to start a business and get a new truck. Well a new to us truck. We got one last year at tax time and it is nice but it is still small for us. Not really small we can go places and take people with us with out cramming everyone in or taking two cars. But it just has no room if we buy things and we have anyone with us. We want to have room to put things if we decide to go out shopping for the day or buy something that is bigger than can fit on your lap and room for the dogs if we decide to take them somewhere with out having them on the seats. Not sure what we are doing just yet. But either way I will be happy because we are all doing so good and are so happy with our new little family. We will be happy doing either way.

See how great that sounds and how easily it all happen and fell into place? If only that is how it went and it had really fell in place that easy. Unfortunately that is no where near what really happen or  how things went. The kids did go on their trip to NC that’s about it. Unfortunately I met RC and you all know how everything went from there. and now I am dealing with consequences of believing that someone really was what they said and really did love me. I did get my 4th and last baby I just never thought it would be this way when or if I did. But everything happens for a reason. It is depressing to think how different things really went and how much we have all been threw this last few months.

Funny how easy it is to know just what we want in life and when we want it to happen. Yet it can be so much harder to make it happen and take so much longer to accomplish it when you start trying. And the littlest thing can come along distract us and throw everything off by so much. I figure everything is off by at least a year or more now. Since I stayed home with the all the kids up there and didn’t work I won’t get tax money back. I can’t start school now because I have to worry about getting a job and then getting us moved. I won’t be able to work for a while once I have the baby. So I won’t get to work as much next year. I hope that we can truly get moved a way at least this year by Feb or March. But even then it will be a temp place for a while until I can go back to work. I may get to start classes next year when the kids start but I don’t know. I won’t be able to get a truck or start a business this year for sure. It will have to wait until the following year if then. I guess we will just have to believe obey and follow. Know that we are where we should be rather it is where we want to be or think we should be.

Father of The Year Strikes Again

It started out as such a nice day. The school calls and says that my middle needs picked up at 12 there is no bus. I knew this already and had told ex that he had to be there at 12 no later to pick him up. I call to make sure he knows because the school said they would see him at the bus not thinking. I call work they tell me he is on the truck out of the county. I tell them he needs to call me right a way because when she is on the truck he never gets home before 2 or 3. Both kids get out early and he has my truck. He never even called to tell me he was going out or to bring my truck home before he did. He finally calls me back and tells me he don’t know and that he didn’t know. I told him we went threw this last night and this morning that they got off early and that if he took my truck then he had to be here to pick them up. I told him he better get my kids home or my truck to me with gas in it so I could get them.

He calls back at 10 and says one of the guys at work is going to take off early and go pick them up to call the school and tell them he was coming. I tell him that I don’t think my son will go with him because he don’t know him that well and the way he is he don’t like to be with people he isn’t use to being around. Then he says that he will have him pick me up and take me to pick them up. I don’t want to go anywhere with this guy. He isn’t a bad guy he is alright and everything. But he is one that to him this is all my fault that me and my ex isn’t together and all this. He hasn’t said 2 words to me since me and him split up. Then he is going to want to know what is going on why I don’t have the truck to get them and why he takes them to school and get all into stuff that is none of his business.

I had it and I finally told him to either have my truck back here by 1130 with gas in it or him and my son better show up here by 1230 in it. If he didn’t I would be reporting it stolen because he was supposed to have it here in time to get the kids and that if it wasn’t back by said time there for it was considered stolen. He started about us being married and half his and all this good BS. Normally it would be that way. But we are in the middle of a divorce and we have been to court once already and the judge already addressed the issue of the trucks and said that my two were my two he was not entitled to anything to do with them and his was his and I had nothing to do with it. There for it is not half his anymore and his is not half mine. He tells me go ahead he don’t care and he will just call DCF to pick the kids up since he can’t.

The only reason he has my truck is because he has no gas money and no gas. He already told me his wouldn’t make it to take the kids or pick them up. I borrowed gas money to have gas for the week. Told him to make sure that middle road the bus not to take him to school because we wouldn’t have enough gas for the week if he took him to the school not the bus. They have missed the bus every day this week. So now my truck is out of gas. I don’t have enough to make the trip if I had it. So he was supposed to borrow money for gas to get threw the next few days. Since he didn’t have gas for the week I had enough for the kids to get to school and him to work I didn’t have anywhere to go so he could take them and take my truck. This way he got to work and they got to school. But he missed the bus all week and didn’t have the gas to do what he was supposed too.

He tells me well I don’t know what to tell you I guess you need to figure something out. Um hello you have my truck and you were supposed to be back here in time to get the kids. Your the one not doing what you were supposed to do yet again. I told him he needed to figure it out and either get there to get them or get my truck here and that he needed to call me back in a little bit and let me know what was going to happen. Good thing I got a hold of my friend and had her come take me to get them. Because it was almost 1:00 and I still never heard from him. I told her if she could take me he would give her $20 in gas Friday when he got paid. He should pay her it is a 25 mile round trip. He has done this before and left me to walk to get them. Good thing there was they were at the local school. It was still about a mile a way and 100 degrees outside. My little one was just a few months old to be drug around in the heat. But he didn’t see anything wrong with that either. He makes me so mad. My friend drops us off at home and I relaize that his house key wasn’t on the key ring. He had taken all the house keys and we were locked out.  I called him again and asked him what about the kids. He said I will be there about 130 I guess I have to go get them then. I said he got out at 12 and she is getting out that isn’t going to work. Well I don’t know what to tell you to do. Like no big deal. I finally told him that I had someone to go get them and he owed them gas money and that we were locked out. He is telling me to pick one of the kids up about 4 foot or more off the ground and poke them threw this little window that has stuff all in front of it and my stomach and things are already hurting from picking up on the back door and trying to open it. I am not supposed to be picking stuff up. My heart is hurting from everything going on and won’t stop. He says well you will just have to wait I’ll be there in a little bit. We we sit locked out the kids have to go to the bathroom and need to eat lunch.

He has the nerve to say to me you act like I just don’t care. I said you don’t if you did you would have never got on that truck and went out of town knowing that the kids needed picked up and that you had my truck and I had no way to get them. I said you say you care and that your daddy and want to be husband but I sure don’t see it some daddy and “husband” you are to leave us like this yet again. He has been boo hoo I want to get back together and making comments to himself for weeks about wanting to get back together and about me. But then goes and does this shit. I really don’t think he cares at all or he would have never done what he done. It’s 2:20 and he just walked in the door. If I had not called him he would have never called back never known if the kids had gotten picked up or anything until he got here. That don’t bother him and he see’s no problem with that. I don’t get how you can be that way and not care about your kids and where they are, if they made if home from school when you left them stuck like that.

I was supposed to bring them get them all settled so that I could leave and go up find a job get us a place to live and then come back and get them. I am so glad that I didn’t leave them because he acts like he can’t even stand to have them around 9 times out of 10. They ask for something or need something and he throws a fit like he is 2 and makes nasty comments and talks to them like dirt like he always has but worse now. I guess he likes them not being with him all the time and has gotten use to being able to get up and do what he wants when he wants with out worrying 25 days a month out of 31. I say something when he does it and he says it’s fine blah blah they need to learn to do things for them self and all this. My kids are 2, 7 and 8. They do do a lot for their self and they do a lot to help. If they need something once in a while or need him once in a while then he should do it not complain and talk about how he has to do for them all the time and how he can’t have a life and things. It’s not like he really has one any way. He is mad because it takes him 2 seconds longer to text some tramp he is talking to off line back and she might not like it. Thats all he does is sit online and hunt for women to talk to or sit and text them 24/7. Then wants to complain because it goes no where with them or that he has no friends. Maybe if you got out went places and really met people you would have. Maybe the few times you meet in person they see what you really are and don’t want anything else to do with you. It isn’t the kids fault that you haven’t got friends or met someone. It isn’t there fault that the last one you wanted didn’t like it that you had kids and didn’t want to keep talking. He acts like it is and that they are in his way. But then at the same time he don’t want to to just go on and have nothing to do with them because they are all he has and then he treats them the way he dose. It makes me sick.

He is in the kitchen now why I am sitting her doing this slamming stuff around and talking shit to him self. Big deal don’t bother me none you are the one who screwed up and he is very lucky I didn’t call the police and report my truck stolon. He is also lucky I got the back door pried open because I was ready to knock the glass out and go in. I tried it once last time and it open. He went to my sister and borrowed $20 after work for gas for the next couple of days. My sister he can’t do nothing with out coming to me or my family to help him out. I haven’t told him yet because we have trick or treating in a little bit and I still really don’t feel good. My heart won’t stop hurting and I don’t want to get all worked up and mad again. But when we get home tonight I am going to tell him that my truck and take the kids to and from school and that is it. It will not ever again take him to work. He wants to do what he done he can keep his ass out of my truck it isn’t riding him around every where he needs to go anymore. If he needs money he better save enough out of his check for the next few weeks until he gets another one to get there. I’m telling him too that when I move he isn’t going with if he goes he better move a town or so over and he better get a place when we get there. If he don’t I will move again. I am not having him on top of me like I did when he first moved out and I am not living with him like we are now until he gets a place and a job. He even tried to tell me today because I got so mad about what he done to move and get out of the house. I said again you need to know the law my name is on it and I am staying here it is my house too and you can’t put me out or make me move. If you really want to go there take me to court and by the time it gets in court I will be moving any way because it will take a month or more to go to court and we have to move by the first of December. He really got mad then. I don’t care. I am done being done this way and when I am not even with him and I let him use my truck with my gas in it so he can get to work and he can’t bring it back on time or be there to get the kids like he is supposed too. I don’t think I am in the wrong at all.

I have to get off here and go to the doctor and get home so I can get the kids ready to go trick or treating tonight. Hope everyone has a safe and fun night. Please remember

Oven Fried Pork Chops & Cooked Apples

1. box of Herb stove top stuffing or cornbread stove top stuffing uncooked ( I like the cornbread better)

Family pack of pork chops (thin work best but thick are good too) You may need 2 boxes of stuffing if you use the thick.

3 to 5lb bag of apples enough for your family.

brown sugar

cinnamon

2 TBS butter or cooking spray

1 cup milk

Start by putting stuffing in gallon zip lock bag and roll with rolling pin until big pieces are broken up. Cut apples into chunks or wedges and put into baking dish. Cover with brown sugar and cinnamon to taste

Pour milk in small bowl. Spray glass baking pan with cooking spray or melt butter and coat pan. Dip both sides of pork chops in milk and put in bag of stuffing coating both sides. Place coated pork chop in baking pan a repeat with rest of pork chops. When all pork chops are in baking pan bake in oven at 350 degrees for approx 10 minutes on each side. Until the juices run clear.

Cook apples until they are fork tinder and sugar is melted.

 

The apples are good but not what I was expecting. I am looking for a different way to cook them. I will let you know if I find something better. We like to make green beans with this when we have it most the time. Seems to give it that finishing touch. Would love to hear how you like it when you try them. I will start taking pictures of the things I make when I cook them and post them with the recipe. When I make this again I will ad one.

 

Thought I Would Share

I am getting back into cooking again the last month or so now that I can cook and not have someone always complaining or about what I’m making and that they don’t like it. I can just go cook and know that everyone will sit down eat it and enjoy it. I love to cook but I have to have the time to cook and space. I hate small kitchens and I hate to be rushed. I like to take my tame and really get into it. But I have decided to share some of my favorite meals I like to make.

I am also going to start putting together a menu for next year. I want to make something different about every night. I have my always go to way of making just about everything. I have one or two ways I make it and that’s how we always make it. Next year I want to try all different ways to make different things. There are some things that will always just be made the way it is but there are a lot of things that can be made so many different ways.

I hope that you and your family find some new ideas for your old favor its and enjoy them as much as me and my family enjoy them. I won’t post something until I try it and know how we all feel about it. Feel free to share your favorites in the comment box if you have a favorite way of making something I post. I will be looking for lots of ideas.

Very Relaxed Day So Far

It has been a really nice day. Me and my little guy got up about 8am and just hung out and played. He was excited to see his dogs from outside in since it was cold outside. When we moved they didn’t get to go with us so he didn’t get to see them much. We have this one little puppy that we have to find a home for and she is just to much to have in the house all the time. I forgot how nice it was to have my girl in the house. She was herself she just laid around and wanted pet by every one. I had forgot how nice it was just having her in the house. Just having her around. I can’t wait to give the puppy a way so she can be in all the time.

Me and my baby boy had lunch and he decided to lay down on the couch and take a nap for a few hours. I was surprised I fell asleep for a little bit too. He was happy he got up just in time to go with daddy to get the older kids. I wasn’t ready I stayed home. Just been sitting here watching a little tv and enjoying being alone it has been a while since I was alone for even an hour. They should be back soon.

I feel  really good today better than I have in a long time. I think it is the weather. I love this weather. The only thing missing is the fire. When I was younger we use to have big bonfires. When we moved into our house we got a fire pit and would make fires in it and let the kids roast marshmallows and hot dogs. They would run around and play and jump on the trampoline.

This is a big reason I want to get moved a way from where we are. It has grown up so much since I was younger. I want my kids to do them kind of things. I want them to be able to just go out and run around and play. I like not having people live right next to me. I have so many ideas and plans that I want to do for my kids. I just have to get things in order and figure out how I am going to do them. I want to really do them not just talk about it think about it and dream about it. My mom talked for years about moving and things when I was younger but she always was scared. Always waiting for the time to just right and everything to be in order. If you wait for everything to be just right and perfect before you do something you will never do it no matter what it is because everything isn’t going to fall in place and end up just right 90% of the time. You have to get them as good as you can and not be afraid to take a risk. Even with 3 kids and one on the way I am not afraid to jump and take the risk. I trust that as along as I am doing what is right and what I feel is best for my family that our needs will be met. I will be able to figure it out and keep us a float until things work out. I always have. It gets scary at times and sometimes it feels and looks like we are not going to but then something always happens and things turn around. It is all in his time not ours.

Want To Get Better

I want to get better at my blog I want to make it better. I am not sure what to do with it to make it better. I feel like when I do get to sit down and write that is about all I get to do type up whatever it is that is on my mind quick and post it. I don’t sit down ahead of time to write things up. I write what is on my mind at the time and when I feel that I need to just get it out. So everything is pretty much as it is happening. I do have a few things I want to sit down and type up but I am debating on if I even want to put that out there yet and I want my stuff to be together more. I am not even sure how to use half the stuff on here still. I know it is all very simple and easy and I have looked it up and when I try to do it it just don’t seem to work for me. I am a more of a show me or give me a book and let me do it myself kind of person. It is hard for me to look stuff up online and learn it and do it. I don’t know what it is but for me there is a big difference in having the book in my hand and being able to learn it and doing it on here. Maybe because with a book I can take it any where and read it when i have free time and when i am othatn here I am don’t have a lot of time and I kind of rush threw it. I really don’t know.

I don’t know why I feel so rushed or that I don’t have time I spend all day at home just me and the 2 year old. I may go out once a day and pick the kids up. Once in a while I will go to the store if I have too. But only if I have to. I know it is because I am not feeling good and have been so down. Its crazy too because when I am working and things are going good at home and I have other stuff to do then I seem to take on more and get more done. It’s like if I don’t have 10 different things going on at one time and only have one or two I get so detracted so easily or just can’t get into doing them. But if I have a bunch of stuff to get done I will put the time aside to do it and make sure everything gets done and it’s right and good. I work better when I have a deadline and under pressure  I think when I only have a couple things to do and there is no deadline for them or they are for myself I feel like oh well I have all the time in the world to work on it or I will get to it later it will be there tomorrow and so will I. where as if I have other things and died lines I know I have to sit down and do it now it can’t wait til tomorrow. Or I if it is for me I will stop to do things for others and if mine gets done it gets done no big deal. I’m not letting anyone else down I am the one that suffers or does with out or just don’t get it done if it is just for me. If it is for someone else or others involved I have to get it done I it has to be right and it has to be on time. Even when buying things at the store. I can see something that cost $20 for myself and won’t buy it because we could really use the money for this or that at the house. But then in the same trip 5 minutes later I can spend $20 one something for each of the kids and come out spending way more than the $20 I was going to spend for myself. But it is ok because it is for the kids is what I tell myself and I figure it out in my head how I am going to arrange things and put the money back  or have the money to pay everything when it should be paid. Even if we have the money I won’t spend it on myself because something might come up and we might need it. But then spend twice as much or the same.

I know this isn’t good and I shouldn’t do it and I need to buy myself things some times but I just don’t. I won’t buy clothes unless I just can’t get by with out buying them. Then I look for whatever is a good deal and get just enough to do me for a little bit. It’s anything I just don’t do for myself. I have been trying to do better with that but I really haven’t done any better with it. A few years ago I bought myself a brand new lap top. That is probably the most money I have spent on myself all together in the last I couldn’t tell you how many years. Probably  9 or so since I got married and had kids. Other than a car or something if we needed it but that was ok because I needed it for the kids and I paid cash for them so I didn’t have payments and wasn’t taking a way from the kids. I have worked every since I was 14 and I didn’t blow my money even back then. I bought me stuff with it that I wanted. I remember with my first pay check I bought myself this really nice bed set I had seen in a book that I wanted. My mom said she was not paying that for a bed set when she had to buy for three kids and that it was over priced because of where it came from. I took my first check and bought it. When I got older I bought clothes books and what ever I wanted but I also saved a lot of it too. Plus I paid part of the rent and other bills at the house when I worked. Because I lived there and had a job.

Way off topic here but this is just how I am if it isn’t for me I do better at taking care of getting it done. I really want to find some places to get some ideas and things on how to make my blog better. I am going to look into getting a few books maybe and read them. Start there. I know there are probably simple things that I could be doing I just haven’t thought of them. I hate that I just get on here type whatever it is up post and run. I want to take the time to make it look nicer and be better. When I first started it I was feeling a lot better than I have been too and really wanted to make something out of it and took the time to find a theme and all that for it. But then things happen and now I am where I am. But I guess like they say everyone happens for a reason. I hope to figure out the reason soon and come back better than before because it hasn’t killed me so it has to make me stronger too right?

Where Are Moms Today

You know when I was younger a lot of kids parents were not together but all the kids lived with their mothers. I am not saying that the fathers were not fit and I know it was a lot easier for mothers back then to get custody of their kids than it was for fathers. But it seems like a lot of the dads just weren’t around and didn’t seem to care if they seen their kids or not. They were there when they wanted to be and gone when they didn’t. Sometimes months or more at a time.

Sad to say I have seen a huge shift in that. It seems the dads are way more on the ball and taking care of the kids a lot more than the moms these days. I’m not talking about just the moms who lose the kids to the father in court. Even then it takes a lot to lose your kids and a lot of them who do don’t ever fight to get them back or have much to do with them. But even ones where it has never been to court. The mothers just walk a way or so caught up in everything else that if the father decides to leave he packs the kids up and takes them with him because he knows it is better for them to not be left there. I know  a lot of dads that have their kids because the moms just don’t care. They don’t bother to come around and they don’t even bother to pay support for their kids. If the shoe was on the other foot and they were the ones with the kids they would be the first ones asking for support. The fathers don’t say anything or ask for a dime they just work and take care of the kids and do what has to be done.

I understand that sometimes things happen and you can’t get your kids or keep them at the time for what ever the reason maybe. I found myself in that situation just the other month. I had no clue where I was going to go or how I was going to go because I became homeless in just a few minutes just about. Then I did the only thing I knew to do I called their dad and ask him if he could take them why I found us a place to move and got going again. But I am still in the picture I am still helping with them and see them every day. The way things have ended up we were all able to stay here and be together. Ex gave me his room and moved in to the boys room. I am not saying that’s how things should be done with everyone. But I do understand that things happen and sometimes with their dad is the best place for the time being. But I am doing every thing I can to get a job and get a place of our own so that I can get us out of here as soon as I can. Because I sure don’t want to be here. But these women don’t seem to care or want anything to do with their kids. They are out parting hanging out or just doing their thing. I know some of them who don’t come around for months at a time and then half the time when they do they hardly have anything to do with the kids. They are to busy trying to get money from the dad or trying to get back with him. I don’t know of any of them that even take the kids for a night much less a weekend or anything like that.

I just don’t understand how a mother could just not care like that. I can see how it can be easier for the fathers they may not have the same type of bond as mothers do. But how do you carry a child for 9 months and then just not care what happens to it after that? I will never understand that as long as I live. It killed me when I thought mine were going to be staying with their dad and I wasn’t going to have them it was even harder when I thought I was going to be going out of state and not able to see them for weeks at a time. I guess it just comes down to the person. If that was my kid and they did that to their kid or kids I don’t care if they were the father or the mother I would not be happy and they sure would know about it.

It’s funny everyone still talks about the dads and the dads not being around and doing their part but what about the dead beat mothers? They all talked and still talk about all these kids growing up with out a father figure in their life but you don’t hear about the ones growing up with out a mother figure in their life and how it is going to effect them. I think this next generation or two we are going to see how it effects them. But I don’t know the dads I know of and the dads I see seem to be doing a pretty awesome job. But they still can’t take the place of a mom.

You know the funny thing is most of the dads I know don’t get help from the state or with daycare of anything like that like the moms would be getting. And they don’t have that great of a job making all that much money. But they are doing it and they don’t complain about not getting help or support from the mother. Most feel like I do they hate it for the kid/kids the other parent isn’t around but if that is the way they are going to be it is better. They would rather not have the support and have them there than to go for support and have to have them there all the time.

All I Care About

After we got my boy from the bus we stopped at my dads to get a few things. He is a way helping take care of my grandpa so he wasn’t there. The kids asked to go in and get a few of their toys they wanted. Something said something about how many toys she brought or how many someone had. My boy went in got a few things and came back to the truck. He said I don’t care how much stuff I got. It is ok if someone has more than me. All I care about is my family. You, sissy, brother and daddy. He is so sweet I love him so much.

Definitely Not A Boring Day

Got up early with my baby boy and we just hung out around the house. We played and had breakfast tried to watch tv but it was all messed up. Late when I went to get lunch I open the freezer to get something out and see it is glowing red and I hear something sounds like water hitting a fire in the back at the bottom  I don’t know why reach back there and it is very hot odd to be on the freezer side and inside the freezer. I tried to call the ex to see if he was on his way home and couldn’t get him. Thinking it is on fire I tried moving it out to see behind it and to unplug it. But it is a big side by side and sits between the cabinet and stove. I got it out enough to see it wasn’t on fire behind it but not unplug it. I finally decided to call the fire department. I called the non emergency  line. I wasn’t really worried about it flaming up or anything to fast. But figured it would end up burning more of the fridge until it had spread to the outside. The fire department is only like two blocks a way. She said I called the wrong office to hang up and call 911 anyway. I called and the lady of course told me to get everyone out of the house. I got me and baby boy out the dog wouldn’t come. I told her we were all out I was going to get the dog. She told me not to go back in just to call him or leave him. I really still wasn’t to worried about it just wanted to get it out and needed help to get it unplugged. The dog finally came out when I called him she said to stay a way from the house. We went and sat at the end of the drive way until they came up. They had to go around back and look threw the glass door to make sure it hadn’t caught fire and all over. Then they went in and looked at it. They had me come back in and show them where it was red and everything. By then it wasn’t red or hot anymore and they are looking at me like I’m crazy. They already had to fire extinguisher and the ax out. They were going to cut it up to get it out since it was between the walls in it. They had a thing to check for heat and things they checked it from inside and outside and it didn’t show any heat at all. Was just like a normal fridge. They are looking at me like I’m crazy. They asked if they could unplug it and said that they advised that I just get a new one and not take any risk with that one they didn’t know what had happen but it had went out.

So then I try to get a hold of ex again and he finally answers and I tell him they where here and just left and that we need to get a new fridge for the month. He ask why. I tell him and he says oh I seen it do that before it is the defrosting thing that is in it is all I thought it was. Then he tells me that when him and my grandpa fixed it a few years ago that that is what they had to fix and that is where they put it in and that he hooked it up and turned it on and showed him how it worked. I called my grandpa to be sure he has worked on that stuff forever. He called me back why I was waiting for my boy to get off the bus and I was talking to him. He said yes it was normal and nothing to worry about and that it stays on for like 2 or 3 minutes that’s why it was off and cool by the time they got here. I hang up and my daughter say oh mommy I have seen it glowing like that in the bottom of the freezer before. I said you didn’t tell anyone or think anything was wrong. She said no I just did what I was doing and closed it. I guess I am the only one in the house that has never seen this and I am the only one in the house who thought anything of it when I did see it. I have had this fridge for like 4 years and had never seen it do that before. Oh well guess the fireman have a good laugh and story to tell. But hey they didn’t know what to think of it either they said toss it and get a new one. Thank god it wasn’t still glowing and hot when they got here. They probably would have took the ax to it and tried to put the fire out. i would have to buy a new one or find another one to use and that would really suck since we are only here for about another 30 days before we move.

They send 3 guys out and not one hot fireman in the three of them.

Really Bad Day

I feel like the worse mom ever I’m sitting here scrapping for gas money to get threw until Thursday. Trying to figure out what to do for lunches for my son until then. The kids are asking for things and I have to tell them I can’t get it or I will get it in a few days when I go shopping again. I sit here thinking about what is going to be coming in and what needs to be done and don’t know how I am going to do it all then. It isn’t like it is stuff that can wait it is stuff that has to be gotten now stuff that has to be paid or else. I see that every thing I get is already gone and so much left to still be taken care of. I really want to go to a friends BBQ today she is having. I haven’t seen her in a long time everyone is always so busy. But I’m not even going to it because it is a covered dish kind of thing and I don’t even have anything in there I could throw together and take. I have just what we need to get by the next 4 days.

It’s getting cold now and two of the kid need jackets and all three need a pair of shoes. I still need to buy two more pair of pants for school. 4 would be good but I can make 2 work. They all need long sleeved shirts to wear under their other shirts so they aren’t wearing short sleeves. That’s just so they have uniforms for school. I really hate uniforms at schools. You have to buy two sets of clothes when they first go back to school and two sets when winter comes around. By the time the cold is over they need another two sets for spring because they grow so fast that what they had before winter most don’t fit anymore. It is so much easier and cheaper when they can wear their normal clothes to school. I think my oldest is pretty set for winter stuff for when she isn’t in school. I just need to get my big boy stuff and my baby boy some shirts. I found a bunch of pants for him when I was going threw stuff the other day. I’m happy about that. My friend said she was going threw jackets today and may have one for my big girl. But I feel bad because I got my boy a new one and I have to get the baby one. We were at the store the other day and she found one she really liked and wanted I told her she had to wait until this week and I would get it for her. My friend has 5 girls and she gives me clothes a lot so I don’t have to buy stuff for her to much. I still get her a new stuff when I get the other kids stuff but not as much a lot of time because she has so much nice stuff already.

I can’t even buy a few newspapers today. I always try to get some on Sunday to get the coupons out of them. It really messes things up when I miss a week. I haven’t done it in a while with everything going on. But I had been getting them the last month or so. It saves a lot when I can get them and put a list of stuff together and really go shopping. I can get a lot of the dry goods, caned goods, and stuff for lunches cheap when I have them. I haven’t even had the money to really go and do that.

If my dad was here I could borrow a little bit off of him to get by the next few days and get a few things we really need. But I hate doing that too because it just shorts me when I do get my money because I have to pay him back. It is better if I can just work it out and I normally do until it comes down to the kids. I will go with out whatever until I can get it if it’s weeks or months. But when it comes down to the basic every day things that my kids need I can’t sit and make them wait or do with out. I have to do what I have to do to get it and then pay it back and then work out everything else at the end of next month or when it pops up because I had to this time. But my dad isn’t here he is 100’s of miles a way staying with his dad because he is sick and can’t be left alone.

I feel bad about that too I want to take my kids to see their grandpa. My older two have seen him he has never seen my baby boy and don’t even know I am having another one. I don’t have the gas to go there and see him or to take the kids. I am so embarrassed things have never been this bad. I have always had the money to do what needed to be done for my kids or able to go out and make it. I have applied and applied at jobs and don’t get a call back. I call to check on my application and they tell me they done hired someone. I have them tell me we had 50 or 100 people apply. These are jobs that were just added to the job list in the middle of the night. or just added at like 7am and it’s 10. I have had them tell me I can’t apply because they have had so many people already apply.

I don’t know what we are going to do because we have to move out of our house at the end of the month and I have no idea where we are going to go or how. I have no idea how I am going to by Christmas for the kids or anything. I think about it we are coming up on or last Halloween here we are about to have our last thanksgiving. It wasn’t so hard when we didn’t know. But now knowing and knowing I have no clue where we are going to be in 30 days makes it really hard. Knowing that I have failed my kids horribly makes it so hard. Its bad enough I haven’t felt good for a few months now but then to have all this going threw my head and to think about all the time just makes it almost unbearable.

I feel I am doing so bad and have done so bad for them that they would just be better off if I wasn’t here. I know it isn’t true but I feel that way. I just want to get in my truck and leave just start driving and see where I would end up. Not that I would end up very far seeing as I may have a quarter of a tank of gas and if I’m lucky $5 to put in it and it really needs to go to other stuff. At $3.50 a gallon I’m not going to get every far at all.

I just feel so bad. I haven’t been talking to anyone. I don’t know why I just don’t want to talk to anyone. My mom and my dad call I just let it go to voice mail. Mom text me I don’t reply. I have my phone turned down and laying somewhere. I don’t even know when or if someone is trying to get a hold of me. I really don’t care. I just want to be left alone by everyone. I use to talk to everyone all the time always out and going places doing things with the kids. All ways with my sister or my dad and them doing stuff or taking the kids to things. Now I just want to be left alone. I don’t want to do anything I don’t want to go anywhere. The few times I do want to do something or go somewhere like today I can’t. I don’t even think about it anymore when someone brings something up because I know I probably won’t be able to go any way. I just need a place to vent and cry. Funny Cry I never cry and that is all I seem to be able to do anymore for months is cry. When me and RC were together something happen and I was really mad and upset. It wasn’t really anything he had done it was just everything going on with the kids and the ex. I started crying. I did a few times in that week or month. He said to me things must really be bad or something like that. I asked him why. He said because word is around that you don’t cry what ever happens or is going on that you don’t cry. Everyone says they don’t ever remember seeing you cry so what ever you have been threw and are going threw has to be pretty bad. He is right I am always the one that is there taking care of everything getting everything done. It’s just life what is going to happen is going to happen all we can do is just keep moving on and do what we have to to get threw it and come out on the other side stronger and ready for the next thing. And I don’t have the help and support and things like most people have it is all up to me it is all me or it don’t get done. I don’t have time or energy to sit down and cry or feel bad and things. I have to use my time and energy to get the things that need to be done done and get ready for whats next.

But the last few months I can’t help it I can’t force myself to get up and do things. I can’t force myself to go on. I don’t know how to explain it and make it make since to anyone really. I don’t get it. The only way I can explain it is I have done it for so long I just can’t anymore. I have run out of energy I have run out of ideas I have been beat down and wore down and I can’t get back up. I have done it for so long with out that support with out that help with out anyone. I have had my kids with me every day every night every afternoon 24/7 just about since they were born 8, 7, and 2 years ago. I can count on one hand how many nights a way from me all of them together have spent other than the last year since me and their dad have been split up. and have fingers left over. I can count on one hand how many times I have had a baby sitter for them and went out since I have had them. Because I don’t have baby sitters to watch them so I could get out and things. I am to the point I need that I need some type of help some support. I still don’t have it. My family knows you when they want something or need something. They know you when they want to tell you what a horrible job your doing they know you when they want to butt in and cause problems. If you ask them to watch the kids for a few hours or god forbid take them for a weekend like a lot of grandparents do they tell you how wrong you are. How you shouldn’t go out and you shouldn’t leave your kids with a sitter and this that and the other. My mom has always said she didn’t want grand kids she meant it. Because even now that she has them she loves them and buys them things and stuff like that but really doing things with them and things she don’t. She will say I don’t bring them over to see her or I am never home for them to come over but when I do or I let them all i hear is how I need to do this or this should be done this way or that way. Nothing positive ever. That is one big reason I have stop having anything to do with them or talking to them. I don’t need them telling me how to live my life.