{October 15, 2012}   Should I Tell Him or Shouldn’t I

I have been thinking about this for while now. Then ex brought it up for some reason last night. When me and RC were together he was going to go to some of my doctors appointments with me. He wanted to go to the ultra sound with me and of course be there when I had the baby. I was happy he wanted to. When I had the u/s at the hospital that night and they wouldn’t let him go back he asked me if I had looked at it. I told him no they didn’t let me and I didn’t even really think to ask them. I was so upset with everything that was going on. He said he was glad I didn’t he wanted us to see it together for the first time.

After everything that has happen and now that we are not together I don’t want him at the doctors with me. They really don’t do anything anyway check for heartbeat and things like that make you pee in the cup and send you on your way. There were a few that I would want him to be there for if we were still together so we could decide what to do and things. But at this point I really don’t even care if he is there nor do I really want him there. I plan to pretty much do the same with this one as I did with my other 3. I may have done some things different if we were still together and he really wanted to. But as far as I’m concerned we aren’t together he has pretty much lost say in what I do. Mostly just test they offer and extra test they may offer because of my age and things. I never got any of the test with my other three and the extra test I really don’t want them either. One the test aren’t correct enough to really make any decisions off of. They can say something and there be nothing wrong in the end. Two no matter what the test says I am still keeping the baby no matter what. Three because the test results are so unreliable I don’t think I would really prepair any differently than normal no matter what they said. But I know everyone else would always be talking about it and worrying about it and putting their two cents in if it got out. He is the dad and if we were together then I would like I said talk it over with him and see if it would be something he wanted to do or not. But just me I don’t plan to do any of them.

I will be getting an appointment to go get the 20 week u/s done when I go to the doctor the first of the month. For some reason I am torn on this one. I kind of feel he has a right to be there and then at the same time I feel that if he really cared and wanted to be there things wouldn’t be the way they are. I am debating on if I should text/call him and tell him when it is and telling him if HE wants to come he can or just going and having it done and if he needs to know anything telling him. I don’t even know if I should tell him anything anyway the way things are. In a way I feel that if he contacts me and ask then fine I will tell him but if he don’t then why do I want to go out of my way to get a hold of him and tell him anything.

I really hope to be out of here by the time I have it so he won’t be there when I have it. I don’t think I will be contacting him to tell him when I have it either. He says he is going to be in contact around time for it to be born because he wants to take it to court and try to take it. I figure if I don’t contact him and he don’t know where I am then the longer I don’t have to be bothered with him. I feel bad because the baby should have it’s dad in it’s life but at the same time it shouldn’t be drug back and forthwith all the time and it shouldn’t be over there with drunks and things.

If he wanted to take it on the weekends and other times he was off and going to be there with it that would be fine. But I don’t want it taken and left with just anyone. The people he leaves his kids with are not people I feel conferrable leaving mine with. This women he has moved in with him I don’t know here but I know she was with a crack addict and things up until she came down here with him. Was with him for years. I don’t think believe that she isn’t doing something herself to put up with him all this time even after he almost killed her and her kids scared to death of him and everything. If he wasn’t going to fight me for it and try to take it and if he would bring it back and drop it off if he wasn’t going to be there with it then I wouldn’t care if he seen it and was in it’s life. Just like I told him before. But from the time he told me he was done he started and went back on everything he told me about if we ever had a kid together.

With the way he done things and going back on what he said and things he has told people that were supposed to be between me and him. I don’t feel I can trust him anymore about anything. I feel that if I am not going to be here when the kid is born and he isn’t going to be around why even bother with having him around now for things before it is here. I just hate it for the baby because the baby didn’t ask to be born into this and now it is and it isn’t fair to it. But I am not going to have my baby around druggies and drunks and things.

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