{October 24, 2012}   Depression Has Come To Stay

When I first started my blog or not long after I wrote this peace on depression (Is Depression Magnifying the Situation Or Is The Situation Causing The Depression)  and just in the last month I wrote this one on Panic Anxiety.
I thought I had done pretty good dealing with the depression after the first post. I was feeling so much better going threw my house getting things cleaned out and gone threw. I was making plans for me and the kids. And really living life again. I meet RC and things really seemed like they were starting to turn around. I was getting out and doing things I was getting out with friends and doing things. I was moving on.Then I moved up there with RC for a while and we decided to just stay together and get a place. I was ok with that still. Then later when we hadn’t moved after a while and I found out about the baby and then he was saying we weren’t going to move until some things were paid off and stuff. Around that point I think is when the panic anxiety and depression came into play. Like I said in the above post I just thought it was hormones from being pregnant and things.

The anxiety and panic attacks are gone pretty much. But it’s the depression the depression has set in to stay for a while. It is making me feel so bad all the time. All I want to do is stay in my bed and not get out of it for anything. I am sleepy all the time and am lucky if I sleep more than a hour or two a night most nights. I hurt all over. I know some of it is from where I got hurt but a lot of it is from this. Just the being tired and feeling wore out all the time. I have to force myself to get up and do anything. It is horrible when the baby gets up in the mornings. He won’t sit and pay or watch tv he is up and in to stuff from the time he gets up until he goes to bed. I have to stay right with him keeping him out of stuff. I can’t wait for ex to get home so he can do it.

I know that things aren’t going to get any better any time soon and that right now they are going to get worse before they even think about getting better. I have been thinking about asking my doctor for something to take when I get to see her. But at the same time I am afraid to. I am to the point that I am going to talk to her about it when I get to see her. I don’t even know if I will get to see her before December. I can’t go another month like this. I am going to see if I can get in to see her first instead of the nurse when I go in November. I don’t know if they will do that or not. I am just going to tell them I have something that I really need to talk to the doctor about. I can’t keep going like this. I feel like a walking zombie when I do force myself to get up and do something. If I know I have something I need to do coming up I dread it and do whatever I have to to get out of doing it. Ex is missing hours at work and things over it because it is so bad. Wanting to or not I have to see what I can do to get threw this.

I don’t know if I will keep taking it after things turn and start doing better or if I will stop taking it. I have only took something once before for a few months. Then I stopped and haven’t taken anything in 7 years. Not that I haven’t needed it I just stick it out until I get threw it. But it has been harder and harder to stick out and get thew. I always have it there to a point. It just isn’t always this bad. I think that maybe if I just stay on something it wouldn’t get this bad at times. I guess it is just something I am going to have to wait and see and figure out when the time comes. It isn’t just me I have to worry about now like in the past. I am going to have 4 kids looking at me for everything.

[…] you all know from past post such as (Depression Has Come To Stay) I have dealt with depression for about half my life from the time I was about 14 years old. […]

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