Dreading tomorrow. I could understand if I was awake because something was going on tomorrow that I really didn’t want to do and it was keeping me a wake. But it isn’t at all, I am dreading tomorrow because I can’t sleep tonight and I need to get up and do things tomorrow. I have to go get my dad take him and me shopping and then take him to look at some places to move. I know that by the time I should be getting up all I will want to do is sleep. Even if I slept then it would only be for an hour or two if I am lucky probably not even that and then I would be awake anyway. Still tired and feeling bad but awake. Then I sit here not able to sleep dreading tomorrow and then thinking about everything and the way the way things are right now and I feel even worse. Because I can’t figure out what to do to make anything better and I have three kids sitting here to face when everything happens.
Like I said in my other post things are just going to get worse before they get better. You see they are selling my house, our house, the house, whatever you want to call it. I don’t even really consider it mine anymore. I don’t like being here I don’t like that I had to come back here. I am thankful that we had somewhere to come back too when everything happen. But in ways maybe it made things a little to easy. I just don’t know. But any way they are selling it on the 8th of December so we have to be out by the first. Merry Christmas right. I have nothing but the one little check I have coming in since we are living here ex isn’t paying child support right now. He isn’t even getting that many hours at work right now. Maybe 20 a week. I don’t know how or where we are going to move and I don’t know how we are going to afford anything for Christmas for the kids. Then I have to sit them down and explain to them that we are moving yet again and that we are not going to be in our home for Christmas and can’t even tell them where we are going to be. I just sit here feeling so down so helpless and like such a failure.
Of course then I start thinking about the mistakes I have made the last few months and how they are effecting my kids now and how horrible of a person I feel for that. Then I start to think about the baby who isn’t even here yet and how I have screwed things up and ruined this ones life and it isn’t even here yet. How that no matter if I figure out how to make everything better for the kids here and now and work it all out by the time we have to move that I can never work things all out and make things better for this one. It will probably never know it’s dad or he will be in and out of it and never really be a true father. I feel like they are all going to hate me because of stupid mistakes I made over the course of a few months. This really isn’t how I thought things were going to go and this isn’t what I wanted to happen. I don’t think it would have mattered if every thing was 100% perfect with us I think that things would have still turned out the way they did.
It’s nights nights like this that I feel the loneliest and then feel guilty for feeling that way. I just wish I had someone to hold me and to talk to. To tell me everything is going to be ok and that we will get threw this. To just feel like someone cared about me and how I felt like I mattered to someone. I feel like I’m never going to matter to anyone and that no one is ever going to care. Like I said feel guilty even for wishing I even had someone that’s what got me into this mess in the first place. If I hadn’t talk to him and got messed up with him I would have went to work and got a place for me and the kids. I would be getting ready to get back in school and I would be excited about the holidays coming up and enjoying my life. I would be able to move the first of the year or to wait and get me the things I want for the kids and the truck I want so we have room and to look into starting a business.
But instead I let someone come in and tell me I mattered and how much they cared for me and how much they loved my kids and wanted to be a family. I let them convince me that we should move in together sooner than I wanted too. Sooner than I felt was good for my kids. I let him tell me how we should just get a place together instead of running back and forth staying at each others houses. Because we are always at one or the other anyway one is always sitting empty. Why pay for stuff at two. How things were going to be so different and how great I was and a dream come true. The kids were happy they loved the other kids around and they liked RC. We went places and done things together. Then that all changed when we moved in together. And now here I sit another long lonely miserable night. Dreading another long miserable day. I feel like I can’t function anymore.