I feel like the worse mom ever I’m sitting here scrapping for gas money to get threw until Thursday. Trying to figure out what to do for lunches for my son until then. The kids are asking for things and I have to tell them I can’t get it or I will get it in a few days when I go shopping again. I sit here thinking about what is going to be coming in and what needs to be done and don’t know how I am going to do it all then. It isn’t like it is stuff that can wait it is stuff that has to be gotten now stuff that has to be paid or else. I see that every thing I get is already gone and so much left to still be taken care of. I really want to go to a friends BBQ today she is having. I haven’t seen her in a long time everyone is always so busy. But I’m not even going to it because it is a covered dish kind of thing and I don’t even have anything in there I could throw together and take. I have just what we need to get by the next 4 days.
It’s getting cold now and two of the kid need jackets and all three need a pair of shoes. I still need to buy two more pair of pants for school. 4 would be good but I can make 2 work. They all need long sleeved shirts to wear under their other shirts so they aren’t wearing short sleeves. That’s just so they have uniforms for school. I really hate uniforms at schools. You have to buy two sets of clothes when they first go back to school and two sets when winter comes around. By the time the cold is over they need another two sets for spring because they grow so fast that what they had before winter most don’t fit anymore. It is so much easier and cheaper when they can wear their normal clothes to school. I think my oldest is pretty set for winter stuff for when she isn’t in school. I just need to get my big boy stuff and my baby boy some shirts. I found a bunch of pants for him when I was going threw stuff the other day. I’m happy about that. My friend said she was going threw jackets today and may have one for my big girl. But I feel bad because I got my boy a new one and I have to get the baby one. We were at the store the other day and she found one she really liked and wanted I told her she had to wait until this week and I would get it for her. My friend has 5 girls and she gives me clothes a lot so I don’t have to buy stuff for her to much. I still get her a new stuff when I get the other kids stuff but not as much a lot of time because she has so much nice stuff already.
I can’t even buy a few newspapers today. I always try to get some on Sunday to get the coupons out of them. It really messes things up when I miss a week. I haven’t done it in a while with everything going on. But I had been getting them the last month or so. It saves a lot when I can get them and put a list of stuff together and really go shopping. I can get a lot of the dry goods, caned goods, and stuff for lunches cheap when I have them. I haven’t even had the money to really go and do that.
If my dad was here I could borrow a little bit off of him to get by the next few days and get a few things we really need. But I hate doing that too because it just shorts me when I do get my money because I have to pay him back. It is better if I can just work it out and I normally do until it comes down to the kids. I will go with out whatever until I can get it if it’s weeks or months. But when it comes down to the basic every day things that my kids need I can’t sit and make them wait or do with out. I have to do what I have to do to get it and then pay it back and then work out everything else at the end of next month or when it pops up because I had to this time. But my dad isn’t here he is 100’s of miles a way staying with his dad because he is sick and can’t be left alone.
I feel bad about that too I want to take my kids to see their grandpa. My older two have seen him he has never seen my baby boy and don’t even know I am having another one. I don’t have the gas to go there and see him or to take the kids. I am so embarrassed things have never been this bad. I have always had the money to do what needed to be done for my kids or able to go out and make it. I have applied and applied at jobs and don’t get a call back. I call to check on my application and they tell me they done hired someone. I have them tell me we had 50 or 100 people apply. These are jobs that were just added to the job list in the middle of the night. or just added at like 7am and it’s 10. I have had them tell me I can’t apply because they have had so many people already apply.
I don’t know what we are going to do because we have to move out of our house at the end of the month and I have no idea where we are going to go or how. I have no idea how I am going to by Christmas for the kids or anything. I think about it we are coming up on or last Halloween here we are about to have our last thanksgiving. It wasn’t so hard when we didn’t know. But now knowing and knowing I have no clue where we are going to be in 30 days makes it really hard. Knowing that I have failed my kids horribly makes it so hard. Its bad enough I haven’t felt good for a few months now but then to have all this going threw my head and to think about all the time just makes it almost unbearable.
I feel I am doing so bad and have done so bad for them that they would just be better off if I wasn’t here. I know it isn’t true but I feel that way. I just want to get in my truck and leave just start driving and see where I would end up. Not that I would end up very far seeing as I may have a quarter of a tank of gas and if I’m lucky $5 to put in it and it really needs to go to other stuff. At $3.50 a gallon I’m not going to get every far at all.
I just feel so bad. I haven’t been talking to anyone. I don’t know why I just don’t want to talk to anyone. My mom and my dad call I just let it go to voice mail. Mom text me I don’t reply. I have my phone turned down and laying somewhere. I don’t even know when or if someone is trying to get a hold of me. I really don’t care. I just want to be left alone by everyone. I use to talk to everyone all the time always out and going places doing things with the kids. All ways with my sister or my dad and them doing stuff or taking the kids to things. Now I just want to be left alone. I don’t want to do anything I don’t want to go anywhere. The few times I do want to do something or go somewhere like today I can’t. I don’t even think about it anymore when someone brings something up because I know I probably won’t be able to go any way. I just need a place to vent and cry. Funny Cry I never cry and that is all I seem to be able to do anymore for months is cry. When me and RC were together something happen and I was really mad and upset. It wasn’t really anything he had done it was just everything going on with the kids and the ex. I started crying. I did a few times in that week or month. He said to me things must really be bad or something like that. I asked him why. He said because word is around that you don’t cry what ever happens or is going on that you don’t cry. Everyone says they don’t ever remember seeing you cry so what ever you have been threw and are going threw has to be pretty bad. He is right I am always the one that is there taking care of everything getting everything done. It’s just life what is going to happen is going to happen all we can do is just keep moving on and do what we have to to get threw it and come out on the other side stronger and ready for the next thing. And I don’t have the help and support and things like most people have it is all up to me it is all me or it don’t get done. I don’t have time or energy to sit down and cry or feel bad and things. I have to use my time and energy to get the things that need to be done done and get ready for whats next.
But the last few months I can’t help it I can’t force myself to get up and do things. I can’t force myself to go on. I don’t know how to explain it and make it make since to anyone really. I don’t get it. The only way I can explain it is I have done it for so long I just can’t anymore. I have run out of energy I have run out of ideas I have been beat down and wore down and I can’t get back up. I have done it for so long with out that support with out that help with out anyone. I have had my kids with me every day every night every afternoon 24/7 just about since they were born 8, 7, and 2 years ago. I can count on one hand how many nights a way from me all of them together have spent other than the last year since me and their dad have been split up. and have fingers left over. I can count on one hand how many times I have had a baby sitter for them and went out since I have had them. Because I don’t have baby sitters to watch them so I could get out and things. I am to the point I need that I need some type of help some support. I still don’t have it. My family knows you when they want something or need something. They know you when they want to tell you what a horrible job your doing they know you when they want to butt in and cause problems. If you ask them to watch the kids for a few hours or god forbid take them for a weekend like a lot of grandparents do they tell you how wrong you are. How you shouldn’t go out and you shouldn’t leave your kids with a sitter and this that and the other. My mom has always said she didn’t want grand kids she meant it. Because even now that she has them she loves them and buys them things and stuff like that but really doing things with them and things she don’t. She will say I don’t bring them over to see her or I am never home for them to come over but when I do or I let them all i hear is how I need to do this or this should be done this way or that way. Nothing positive ever. That is one big reason I have stop having anything to do with them or talking to them. I don’t need them telling me how to live my life.