{October 30, 2012}   Want To Get Better

I want to get better at my blog I want to make it better. I am not sure what to do with it to make it better. I feel like when I do get to sit down and write that is about all I get to do type up whatever it is that is on my mind quick and post it. I don’t sit down ahead of time to write things up. I write what is on my mind at the time and when I feel that I need to just get it out. So everything is pretty much as it is happening. I do have a few things I want to sit down and type up but I am debating on if I even want to put that out there yet and I want my stuff to be together more. I am not even sure how to use half the stuff on here still. I know it is all very simple and easy and I have looked it up and when I try to do it it just don’t seem to work for me. I am a more of a show me or give me a book and let me do it myself kind of person. It is hard for me to look stuff up online and learn it and do it. I don’t know what it is but for me there is a big difference in having the book in my hand and being able to learn it and doing it on here. Maybe because with a book I can take it any where and read it when i have free time and when i am othatn here I am don’t have a lot of time and I kind of rush threw it. I really don’t know.

I don’t know why I feel so rushed or that I don’t have time I spend all day at home just me and the 2 year old. I may go out once a day and pick the kids up. Once in a while I will go to the store if I have too. But only if I have to. I know it is because I am not feeling good and have been so down. Its crazy too because when I am working and things are going good at home and I have other stuff to do then I seem to take on more and get more done. It’s like if I don’t have 10 different things going on at one time and only have one or two I get so detracted so easily or just can’t get into doing them. But if I have a bunch of stuff to get done I will put the time aside to do it and make sure everything gets done and it’s right and good. I work better when I have a deadline and under pressure  I think when I only have a couple things to do and there is no deadline for them or they are for myself I feel like oh well I have all the time in the world to work on it or I will get to it later it will be there tomorrow and so will I. where as if I have other things and died lines I know I have to sit down and do it now it can’t wait til tomorrow. Or I if it is for me I will stop to do things for others and if mine gets done it gets done no big deal. I’m not letting anyone else down I am the one that suffers or does with out or just don’t get it done if it is just for me. If it is for someone else or others involved I have to get it done I it has to be right and it has to be on time. Even when buying things at the store. I can see something that cost $20 for myself and won’t buy it because we could really use the money for this or that at the house. But then in the same trip 5 minutes later I can spend $20 one something for each of the kids and come out spending way more than the $20 I was going to spend for myself. But it is ok because it is for the kids is what I tell myself and I figure it out in my head how I am going to arrange things and put the money back  or have the money to pay everything when it should be paid. Even if we have the money I won’t spend it on myself because something might come up and we might need it. But then spend twice as much or the same.

I know this isn’t good and I shouldn’t do it and I need to buy myself things some times but I just don’t. I won’t buy clothes unless I just can’t get by with out buying them. Then I look for whatever is a good deal and get just enough to do me for a little bit. It’s anything I just don’t do for myself. I have been trying to do better with that but I really haven’t done any better with it. A few years ago I bought myself a brand new lap top. That is probably the most money I have spent on myself all together in the last I couldn’t tell you how many years. Probably  9 or so since I got married and had kids. Other than a car or something if we needed it but that was ok because I needed it for the kids and I paid cash for them so I didn’t have payments and wasn’t taking a way from the kids. I have worked every since I was 14 and I didn’t blow my money even back then. I bought me stuff with it that I wanted. I remember with my first pay check I bought myself this really nice bed set I had seen in a book that I wanted. My mom said she was not paying that for a bed set when she had to buy for three kids and that it was over priced because of where it came from. I took my first check and bought it. When I got older I bought clothes books and what ever I wanted but I also saved a lot of it too. Plus I paid part of the rent and other bills at the house when I worked. Because I lived there and had a job.

Way off topic here but this is just how I am if it isn’t for me I do better at taking care of getting it done. I really want to find some places to get some ideas and things on how to make my blog better. I am going to look into getting a few books maybe and read them. Start there. I know there are probably simple things that I could be doing I just haven’t thought of them. I hate that I just get on here type whatever it is up post and run. I want to take the time to make it look nicer and be better. When I first started it I was feeling a lot better than I have been too and really wanted to make something out of it and took the time to find a theme and all that for it. But then things happen and now I am where I am. But I guess like they say everyone happens for a reason. I hope to figure out the reason soon and come back better than before because it hasn’t killed me so it has to make me stronger too right?

I swear I could have written this post. My blog posts are never planned. Same as you, I have some things that I should probably share, but I haven’t been able to type it out. Perhaps its the painful memories. Perhaps its the fear of not being able to accurately describe it or sounding whiny. Perhaps I’m just plain lazy and my blog is just about venting and no real substance.
I also don’t do things for myself. I can’t justify the purchases. My kids might need something. I don’t take any time for myself. My kids might need something. Maybe I will make that my New Years resolution, although that’s just setting myself up to fail because I never stick to those things!!!

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