I want to get better at my blog I want to make it better. I am not sure what to do with it to make it better. I feel like when I do get to sit down and write that is about all I get to do type up whatever it is that is on my mind quick and post it. I don’t sit down ahead of time to write things up. I write what is on my mind at the time and when I feel that I need to just get it out. So everything is pretty much as it is happening. I do have a few things I want to sit down and type up but I am debating on if I even want to put that out there yet and I want my stuff to be together more. I am not even sure how to use half the stuff on here still. I know it is all very simple and easy and I have looked it up and when I try to do it it just don’t seem to work for me. I am a more of a show me or give me a book and let me do it myself kind of person. It is hard for me to look stuff up online and learn it and do it. I don’t know what it is but for me there is a big difference in having the book in my hand and being able to learn it and doing it on here. Maybe because with a book I can take it any where and read it when i have free time and when i am othatn here I am don’t have a lot of time and I kind of rush threw it. I really don’t know.
I don’t know why I feel so rushed or that I don’t have time I spend all day at home just me and the 2 year old. I may go out once a day and pick the kids up. Once in a while I will go to the store if I have too. But only if I have to. I know it is because I am not feeling good and have been so down. Its crazy too because when I am working and things are going good at home and I have other stuff to do then I seem to take on more and get more done. It’s like if I don’t have 10 different things going on at one time and only have one or two I get so detracted so easily or just can’t get into doing them. But if I have a bunch of stuff to get done I will put the time aside to do it and make sure everything gets done and it’s right and good. I work better when I have a deadline and under pressure I think when I only have a couple things to do and there is no deadline for them or they are for myself I feel like oh well I have all the time in the world to work on it or I will get to it later it will be there tomorrow and so will I. where as if I have other things and died lines I know I have to sit down and do it now it can’t wait til tomorrow. Or I if it is for me I will stop to do things for others and if mine gets done it gets done no big deal. I’m not letting anyone else down I am the one that suffers or does with out or just don’t get it done if it is just for me. If it is for someone else or others involved I have to get it done I it has to be right and it has to be on time. Even when buying things at the store. I can see something that cost $20 for myself and won’t buy it because we could really use the money for this or that at the house. But then in the same trip 5 minutes later I can spend $20 one something for each of the kids and come out spending way more than the $20 I was going to spend for myself. But it is ok because it is for the kids is what I tell myself and I figure it out in my head how I am going to arrange things and put the money back or have the money to pay everything when it should be paid. Even if we have the money I won’t spend it on myself because something might come up and we might need it. But then spend twice as much or the same.
I know this isn’t good and I shouldn’t do it and I need to buy myself things some times but I just don’t. I won’t buy clothes unless I just can’t get by with out buying them. Then I look for whatever is a good deal and get just enough to do me for a little bit. It’s anything I just don’t do for myself. I have been trying to do better with that but I really haven’t done any better with it. A few years ago I bought myself a brand new lap top. That is probably the most money I have spent on myself all together in the last I couldn’t tell you how many years. Probably 9 or so since I got married and had kids. Other than a car or something if we needed it but that was ok because I needed it for the kids and I paid cash for them so I didn’t have payments and wasn’t taking a way from the kids. I have worked every since I was 14 and I didn’t blow my money even back then. I bought me stuff with it that I wanted. I remember with my first pay check I bought myself this really nice bed set I had seen in a book that I wanted. My mom said she was not paying that for a bed set when she had to buy for three kids and that it was over priced because of where it came from. I took my first check and bought it. When I got older I bought clothes books and what ever I wanted but I also saved a lot of it too. Plus I paid part of the rent and other bills at the house when I worked. Because I lived there and had a job.
Way off topic here but this is just how I am if it isn’t for me I do better at taking care of getting it done. I really want to find some places to get some ideas and things on how to make my blog better. I am going to look into getting a few books maybe and read them. Start there. I know there are probably simple things that I could be doing I just haven’t thought of them. I hate that I just get on here type whatever it is up post and run. I want to take the time to make it look nicer and be better. When I first started it I was feeling a lot better than I have been too and really wanted to make something out of it and took the time to find a theme and all that for it. But then things happen and now I am where I am. But I guess like they say everyone happens for a reason. I hope to figure out the reason soon and come back better than before because it hasn’t killed me so it has to make me stronger too right?