I talk to my friend today I guess I should give her a name besides friend since I talk about her a lot. She has really become my best friend over the last few years. We talk about every day and always together for holidays or birthdays. Her daughter is BB the one my big boy is in love with and wants to marry. We were talking tonight on the phone and joking around about the baby. I told her me and her needed to go walk the rail road tracks. I want to go look for something out there that is found by them but anyway. She said her hubby said it was a federal offense to do that she wasn’t allowed to go with me. I said well I hear federal prison is better than the others or the jails and I won’t have to worry about being homeless in a few weeks. Hey some jails let you keep your baby with you, wonder if the prisons do.

I said all this just joking  if you can’t joke about it what are you going to do cry? I have cried more than my share the last month or two. I got to joke about something. I think this is the denial or coping stage of dealing with all this. I forget what each stage is called when going threw dramatic or stressful things.

I told her we wouldn’t go to jail because I would start crying and tell them I am a single mom of 3 with one on the way and that I am about to be homeless that I am just out there looking for these things to make stuff out of them so I could sell them to make money so we won’t be homeless. I told her I would tell them not to arrest her because she was just there to make sure I didn’t get raped or killed or in case I went into labor she is my Doula/bodyguard.

In a minute she called me. She said hubby said I can’t go but if you go to jail I will keep the baby and take care of it until you get out and then give it back. You won’t have to worry about it. I said yeah like that would happen RC would come and get it and fight you for it. He wouldn’t let that happen at all. She said no I don’t think so and I don’t think he would want to mess with hubby he would fight it and tell him. I said I don’t know. Then she said I am going to tell you what I know but don’t say anything or I won’t get anymore info. Then she comes out with all this stuff about RC and how he don’t have his two boys now and they are up there most the time and that he just has them weekends or every other weekend and how his in laws are not to happy with him and not helping him like they use too and everything since all this went down. And things like that. She said she thinks they stay up there with them or their mom for the week then come here for the weekend or every other weekend. She said when he talks to him he never talks about them anymore it is just his girls his girls and what they have done or what they are going to do.

She said that he texted her hubby asking about finding a 2nd job and he said something about he thought his new girlfriend was going to get a job. Said he told him if she did they would never see each other. Her husband said how are they going to see each other if he has two jobs or they both have one. He thought it was crazy because he knows when we were together I had as much as him coming in and he wanted me to go get a job. He wasn’t about to get a 2nd one.

Then said before something was said about cleaning or cooking or something said he told her hubby yeah he had him a wife like his. He was like what is that supposed to mean? He started telling him how she cooks and cleans and has his clothes laid out for him in the bathroom so he can get a shower when he gets home and has his beer sitting at the recliner when he gets out so he can just sit and relax and he don’t have to worry about doing anything around the house she does it all. Yeah I guess it is pretty easy for her when he tossed his two kids aside to have her and her three kids there and them and him is all she has to do for. She don’t have 5 kids 6 and under running around all the time they aren’t all cramped together in a little two bedroom place they all have their own space and room to be alone. Her kids are 4 9 and 14 and I am sure from what he has told me from the past and things the 14 year old is doing a lot of stuff around there not her. She don’t have two schools to run too 3 times a day and a bus stop to go to and sit and wait. She don’t have his kid there every night at dinner telling her how he don’t like anything if it don’t come out of a can and made by chef boy R D.

I feel bad for his boys that they are going threw this and that he is doing them the way that he is. Their mom is in and out of jail all the time and they really loved being with him. I always included them and done stuff with them. Then when we broke up he made it look like I was the one that didn’t want them around said that I mistreated them to people and that I abused them and didn’t treat them fair and all kinds of stuff. But funny how the last time I saw the little one was when I dropped him off at school. He begged me to pick him up that day and wanted to come home and help me do stuff and everything. I told him I would then RC called said his grandpa was back in town he was picking him up. I still knew nothing that was going on. I thought he would be home the next day or that night. Then I was told he would be staying there until he got back from his trip. Then he came home and everything happen and he told me they wouldn’t be coming home until I left. I wasn’t allowed to see them tell them bye nothing. My kids were not allowed to say bye or nothing. He didn’t even say anything to my kids. It wasn’t fair to the kids the kids really loved each other and cared about each other. Just like my kids saying what are the boys going to sleep on if we take our beds just give them to his kids. Now his kids aren’t even using them his girls as he calls them are. It makes me sick.

ARH said her hubby said I think there is more about him than what we are seeing. He is starting to see too now. I asked ARH to be in the room with me when I had the baby if I was still here because I don’t want to be alone and I don’t want my family and things in there. She is more excited about this baby coming than anyone I know I think. I think she is more excited about it than me. I know that sounds horrible to say and I love this baby and want this baby and will do anything for it just like my other three. It is just everything going on and the I feel horrible it isn’t going to have a dad. I have felt that something is wrong from the time I got pregnant too. Not being able to get into the doctor and have the test and hear a heartbeat and not feeling it move yet at 18 weeks plus other things I have figured out the last few weeks. I think subconsciously I am not letting myself get to excited in case something is wrong and something happens. If that makes since. I keep having this feeling that I shouldn’t have told the kids and what am I going to do how am I going to explain to them if something happens or something is wrong. Anyway she said after I asked her that they were all together for something and said she said something about the baby and said she said yeah I get to be in the room when it is born if she is still here. Said he just looked at her like yeah so what or who cares and said good for you or something. Said she like he could careless like we were talking about someone else baby. Said he said something before about he just didn’t want it to grow up like my kids did or some bs. There is nothing wrong with the way my kids have grown up. The last few years have been ruff but for the most part my kids are dealing pretty well. I get told almost any time I take them out how good they are how polite they are just complements all the time. I have people tell me all the time they wish their kids were half as good as mine. Mine are no angles don’t get me wrong. I want to pull my hair out some days with them. But for the most part when they are at school, other peoples houses, stores out to eat or anything like that they are good. I do a lot for my kids that a lot of parents won’t do for theirs. I do way more for mine than he has or is doing for his. I did more for and with his when I was there than he did.

I would really like to know what is going on and things and talk to his in laws. They think I am one of the worst people around I am sure after what all he has told them. I am sure they are wondering now too that they have the kids most the time now and he has brought his girls as he calls them down. But I am sure they are seeing and figuring it out just like his other friend that called and wanted to know what was going on. I just would like to talk to them and tell them no I didn’t not want your grand kids around no I didn’t mistreat them no I didn’t treat mine better than them. I would like the boys to be able to see their brother and sister and get to know it and it to get to know them too. I couldn’t do that right now with him involved but if he just walked a way from them and left them and stopped having contact with them like he is so good at doing. I wouldn’t mind setting something up with them so they could get together if they wanted to when I came down or as long as I was still here if I was here when I had it. But I wouldn’t with him still in the picture because then he would get pissed probably and try to take it. I don’t even know if they know I am having a baby because he would never tell them. I don’t know if he ever did or if their mom or grandma ever told them or not.

I still want to move before it is born just in case and so he don’t change his mind and want to fight me for it. But the way things are looking it maybe after the baby comes before I get to move. If I could I would stay here a year and work and move on better terms but I just don’t feel I can do that and not have a fight with him. I guess we will just see how it goes. That’s all we really can do. If I don’t get to move I will just have to put the money a way I get at tax time to pay my lawyer in case he comes back and tries to fight it. If he don’t it will be there to put with the rest of the money I get to save until I get to move. I put it back in with my moving money. It is the only thing I really can do at this time.


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