I don’t know why but the last few weeks I had been thinking about the boys a lot. They are a handful but they are sweet boys most the time. They were just thrown into something new and unexpected as were the rest of us. Even though we knew what we were doing we didn’t know how it was going to go having all the kids. It really wasn’t handled as it should have been with any of the kids either. That’s just my feelings on it but it is also my fault too. But everything just changed so fast that we just kind of done it and went from there. But anyway that isn’t what has really been bothering me.

It is still hard for me to think that this baby isn’t going to have the mom and dad like my other kids and so many others around it will have. Even if we aren’t together at least my other 3 still have their dad in their life. I know how it was on me growing up and not having my dad around as much as he should have been. I am sure it would have been even harder if I had other brothers and sisters around that had theirs and I didn’t and didn’t even know mine. I am not 100% ok with it but I have pretty much come to terms with it and try not to think about it. But there was something else that was really bothering I couldn’t figure out what was wrong but something else just wasn’t right about all this either.

Today when I was replying to a comment that was left on my post about RC and the boys it hit me. This baby is going to have 4 other siblings out there other than my 3 that it may never get to know. Two of whom my kids and I were close to up until all this happen. It’s bad enough the kids now don’t get to see each other but that’s just how it is. But the fact that this baby is related to them by blood it isn’t fair to them or the baby. If it is like I think he probably hasn’t even told them that I am having a baby or that it is there brother or sister. So they would never know for who knows how long. I could not tell the baby when it is growing up that it has any brothers and sisters and she would never know unless we ended having to start talking to RC again or the baby decided to fine him or start asking when it gets older. I don’t want to lie to it and it isn’t right too either. But then how is it going to feel that it never got to meet them or have a chance to form a bond with them? What if she decides she wants to find them or they try to find us? If the baby tries to find them are they going to want anything to do with it at that point after not knowing it all these years or maybe not knowing about it at all til then? If they try to find us is the baby going to want to have anything to do with them? I would feel better to let them start getting to know each other now and grow up knowing about each other and go from there.

Then that is probably going to involve having him in the picture in some way and I don’t want the baby to go threw all that his other kids have been threw. I feel he should either be there all the time like a father should be or he should just stay out of the picture all together. Not like he is doing his boys now and takes them when it is easy for him or when he feels like it. Then they sit and wait and wonder when daddy is coming to get them or why daddy isn’t coming to get them. What’s wrong with them that he don’t want to have them at home or over. Why he moved 3 other kids into their home and them out of it. I am hoping that by the time I have to cross these bridges he will be out of the picture with the boys too. Not that that is what I want for them because it isn’t fair to them. But if he is going to do them like he is now and have almost nothing to do with them. Then maybe if her parents have them or even her I don’t know then I will maybe try to get a hold of them and talk to them about letting the kids see each other and get to have a relationship with the boys. I guess it is just a bridge I have to figure out and cross once I get to it. That’s all I can do really.

They already have a bother and sister they wonder about and don’t know. Then he finds the sister brings her down her and lets them met her and things. Then he pushes them to the side to spend his time with her her sisters that aren’t his and her mom instead of them all as a family. I do feel really bad for the kids and wish I could do more for them. But there really isn’t. But I would like to at least do that and let them get to know their baby brother or sister and keep in touch with my other kids if they all want too also. They told everyone my kids where their brothers and sister. But for sure the baby.

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