It seems that my mind is always working overtime. It never just shuts down or slows down and rest. It’s like the energizer bunny. My cousin stopped by yesterday to tell me when the service was for my grandpa and things. She was talking about how much it all cost to have and we started talking about the kids and what if something happen to us and their dads at the same time where they would go and things. I never even thought about it I said mine would go to NC to live with ex’s brother and sister if that ever happen. She said hers would go to her dad and his wife they were the best option they had. We could take each others but like we said that is a lot to ask them to take on and a lot for me to take on by myself for sure. They would go from two kids to 6 or I would go from 4 to 6.

Some how me and Gabe started talking about it later when he got home and we were on the way to the store. It hit me like a ton of breaks. I never thought of it when we were talking earlier or even when I was writing From Adoption to I Don’t Want Any of This I never thought about it. But this baby is not my es’s not that I didn’t know that but that don’t know who will take it and take care of it if something happens to even just me. I wasn’t really worried a before because I knew they would go to their dad or his brother and them. Thinking about this one and it not going to know it’s dad and him not wanting to be involved then I don’t want it to get sent to live with him out of the blue and taken from the only family it is going to know. It also isn’t fair to take it a way from the other three kids and it not get to see them but once a year. If it came down to just the baby my sister would probably take it but that still puts it and the kids not being able to see each other everyday and growing up together like they will have all along. I really don’t have anyone on my side of the family that would be able to take them all. My mom isn’t really able to take them she would but it would be hard on her she has a lot of health problems and things. Then this that they think is cancer.

Ex said that if something happen to me they would give the baby to RC but if he isn’t on the birth certificate and they all say they don’t know who the father is then they are not going to know who to go after to give the baby to. Plus they don’t look at all that when something happens they look see who the kids are supposed to go to and that is where they send them. The only way he would really come into play is if he found out that something happen to me and came around to fight it. But again if I am not here and in another state he would probably never know. I know that if something happen to just me and he could I think that ex would take it with the other three and just raise it like the other three. He wants a 4th so bad and wants us to get back together and wants me to give it his last name and things and just raise it as ours anyway. But who knows if it really happen if he would really do it or not. He goes back and forth on what he says to much.

My kids need me to much I don’t plan on going anywhere for along time. I have to be here to fight for them and take care of them. Because there isn’t anyone else who will do half the stuff I do for them or fight for them half as much as I do. If someone else had to take them and finish raising them they would do just what they had too to get by. Unless it was his brother and sister in law. I think they would do and fight for them just the same as I do. But no one plans to pass a way before their kids a grown but it happens and when it does things need to be in order so they will be taken care of.

Just something else for me to sit and think about now. I don’t know why my mind does this to me. I seems it just looks for stuff to make me wonder and think about. Stuff to figure out and work on.

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