The last year or more have taken a harder toll on me than even I realized or thought they would. I know that what I have decided to do was the right thing to do even now a year later. I am as sure of  it now as I was a year ago. I still have no desire or wish to be back in a relationship with my ex. I don’t think it is so much the fact of the divorce that is bothering me as it is all the changes in my family as a hole that are going on. When I was little my family was very close on my moms side. We had the Sunday dinners at my grandma’s house every Sunday and everyone better be there. We had all the holidays at her house too. Me my mom brothers sister dad aunts uncles and cousins and the guest who had no where to go that we would take in if we knew. People slowly disappeared and others came in. Most uncles as my aunt and uncle got divorced my other aunt wasn’t with anyone most the time. Then my mom and dad split up when I was about 9 so he wasn’t there. But we still went all the time my step dad came into the picture and that was ok we all really liked him and got along with him. It wasn’t the same as having my dad there. But we still got to see him he would stop by for a little while bring us what he got us or come and get us after we had lunch/dinner and we would spend the night with him. I am not sure when how or why things changed they just slowly did over the next few years from that point on. A lot of the changes came when my grandparents moved out of the house they had lived in all my life. They had lived in the same house for 30 years. But my grandma wanted to buy a house and the owner didn’t want to sell. She found her a house and bought it. We had holidays there the first year or so but it still wasn’t the same. It went from grandma making the dinner and everything being so good to everyone bringing something and it was all ok but not the same. We have more who can’t cook than can on that side of the family. I don’t know why my grandma she can cook. But it made it easier for her and she was getting older and still working. So understand able by far. Plus we were all getting older and more needed to be made. Then it went from going over for the day and everyone hanging out talking playing with the babies or whatever to going for a few hours and everyone just kind of there but not being together. Eating and getting out as fast as they came. Everything kind of just broke down for whatever reasons it seemed that no one really got along anymore. It became a hassle to get everyone together and there much less to figure out a time to work around everyone’s other plans because the family getting together had slipped to the bottom of everyone’s list it has seemed. Then my grandma got to where she didn’t even want to be bothered with it anymore. Not that anyone could blame her when it seemed to be a hassle for most to come.

I loved that our family was so close and we spent the holidays together. We really had that t.v family holiday that everyone wants and wishes they had. The last 8 years or so has been hit and miss as to who will get together and where it will be who will bring what. It has come down to no one really getting together but me and my mom and sister and our families. My brother will stop in for a few minutes sometimes. Last thanksgiving the kids went with ex and his family. Me and my mom amd sister were supposed to get together and do something. It ended in a mess. I spent the day alone then went out to dinner with them. The service was horrible the manager was rude and we had stake. Stake is good but it is freaken turkey day and I want to have some freaken turkey. Christmas we did at my house and my mom and sister and her family came. I think I can’t even remember for sure now. I try to make it nice and special and fun like it was when we were kids but everything and everyone has changed so much that it just about seems like just any other day. Sometimes I think it would be better if we didn’t even get together and just did whatever with our own kids. I always liked the fact that no matter what my kids had me and their dad and we spent it together no matter what. And I figured that as they got older and had kids and everyone stopped getting together we would have it at our house and have everyone over. But now we aren’t together and we are just another broke home trying to make it work. I know I will be spending more and more holidays alone or most of it anyway. Even if I have the kids they will be leaving to go to their dads at some point.

This year we were all going to get together for thanksgiving in a few days. I just talk to my mom why I was writing this she called and informed me that it wasn’t going to be at my grandma’s it was going to be at her house and that it would be my sister and her family and me and my family and my grandma and grandpa. That is if my grandma comes at all. She says she will up until the end and then back out for some reason. Bur my grandma has been pretty sick the last couple of years. They say it isn’t Alzheimer but I don’t know what it is. She is fine one minute and then off on this kick everyone is out to get her or no one wants her around so that makes things hard too.

Just the loss of family is what bothers me the most and how everyone has grown apart and so much has come between everyone. It’s one of them things you know so many are going threw but you never think is going to happen to you I guess. I just want my kids to have that close bond and since of family that I had for so many years. I think that is a lot of what bothers me too because I am not close to any of them really anymore. I have never really been close to my mom we were close in ways but not in a lot. But all together over all we were all pretty close. I feel all my kids have really are me. They have their dad and his family but they really aren’t close and never really have been. They just come and go and hardly talk at all. Once in a while a few will get together for Christmas but that’s about it. His brothers both live in different states and none of them are all that close really. It isn’t even like family getting together when they do it is like friends or something.

It’s been hard for along time at the holidays too because we had so many family members that were really sick and so many that passed a way right at the holidays. So that on top of everything else just makes it so hard to get into the holiday mood. This year with everything going on with me and the kids alone thrown on top of it all just don’t make for a good mix or holiday cheer.

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