{November 21, 2012}   I Feel

Right now I feel like my heart is going to pound out of my chest. I feel scared I don’t know of what just scared. I feel like running I feel like I need to get a way I feel like I just want to get in my truck and start driving. I don’t know to where I don’t even want to go anywhere. But I feel like I need to get a way. I don’t know what I need to get a way from there is nothing here nothing going on. Everyone is in bed have been for hours my big boy in watching tv being good not bothering anything. I am laying in my bed and I feel like just staying here and hiding under by blanket and not getting up even though I want to get a way like I need to get a way. The erge to just go is so over whelming. But that would take energy I feel I just don’t have. I feel I should just get under my blanket and go to sleep and I try but sleep just won’t come. So then I go back to leave just leave just get a way. But a way from what I cry I can’t help it I can’t stop it I just cry and cry. I feel like talking to someone but at the same time I really don’t want too. I feel like I need to get this all out and I don’t know what to say or where to start if I had someone sitting here in front of me to listen all night. I wouldn’t know what to say I wouldn’t be able to say anything I wouldn’t want them to know how I feel or that anything was wrong. I am not sure why I am writing then I just feel I need to do something anything. To try to busy my mind and get it off of everything running threw it. But it don’t matter what I do it just won’t stop it. Everything just keeps coming and flooding threw me I feel like I can’t breath at times like I am smothering. I just want it to go a way I want it to stop. I have thought about going to the hospital a lot the last day or so but why what are they going to do what do I tell them? I feel like it isn’t that big of a deal and that I will get threw it I always have before. But how long do I have to wait this time how bad does it have to get before it gets better. It seems to last longer and be worse and get worse every time. It seems to get worse every day lately. I don’t understand yesterday wasn’t to bad the day before wasn’t good it was drab cold and rainy the air was thick. yesterday I wasn’t happy but wasn’t sad I just felt in a funk. I don’t know what it is even when I am doing other stuff I keep having this thought to go to the hospital and I keep having this thought to go to church. I don’t have a church and like the hospital if I went to one what am I going to tell them? They are all just going to think that it is no big deal and that there is nothing wrong I just need to get up and do something and get happy or whatever. I want to so bad I want to be happy again like I was a few years ago. this is just not a good time of year and with everything that has happen and that is happening I just don’ t know. Thee is just so much going on so much I am worried about then I worry about the baby and the stress I am going threw and the effects it is having on it. I just feel like if I wasn’t here everyone would be better off. My kids would be better off because if I wasn’t in the picture they wouldn’t have to wonder why mommy never does anything or stays in her room all the time. If I wasn’t here they would just get use to it and have a new normal and go on with life and forget about it. All while having them thoughts I am thinking no they wouldn’t they need me here they need me to get better and be the mom I use to be. That I am the only one who really fights for them and makes sure they are ok safe and have the things they need. I am sure part of that is why I feel the way I do because I am pretty much the only one who dose for them. Ex does what he has to do for them to get by. He don’t fight for them or take care of them like they are use too. He gets over whelmed and throws fits and says things to them and in front of them. Even if that is how you feel you don’t say that or do that in front of them. They didn’t ask to be here they can’t help it they can’t do it them self and things. They don’t understand how hard it can be and how over whelmed you can feel because of everything going on. They don’t understand that yes sometimes we just need a break because of everything and that moms and dads just don’t get that break often enough. They don’t know none of that and they shouldn’t they are kids. They shouldn’t be made to feel bad because they need something want some thing or because something happens. I am the one who tries to hold it all together and keep everything from them and make sure that everything gets done. I heart hurts I feel feel sick I feel like I am going to be sick. My head is pounding from crying my jaw and neck hurt from being so tense. My blanket and pillow are wet from all the crying since I laid down here to write this and my other post. As all this stuff runs or should I say flies threw my mind because I don’t know how anyone person and can have such thoughts and contradicting thoughts to go with them all at the same time and so many so fast. It is like I took a cd or a move and put it on fast forward and am trying to watch it. That’s how it seems the thought are going threw my head a whole move and warp speed all in a matter of minutes and then it starts over or just keeps going like it has no ending ever. The last 3 days or so I can’t even sleep good when I do fall asleep. I keep having these dreams bad dreams I am just trying to get a way. I don’t know what I am trying to get a way from most the time there is just something after me and I am trying to get a way. Sometimes it is about the snakes lizards and reptiles all around and trying to get me I feel like they are trying to kill me. A new one the last couple of day I my ex is chasing me and trying to get me he is really mad at me for something. Not RC but father of the year ex. I don’t know why we are all right here in the same house together him in his room over there or at work and me in mine. We have had a few arguments but nothing big. He hasn’t said or done anything out of the way or even gotten mean or nasty in a while. We got into a argument Saturday night and he left to go see a friend he had plans to go out. I was upset and typed him a not so great email and I figured we would get into it about that but he has never really said anything about it. I know he got it and read it because he made a couple comments. But he wasn’t really mad then and didn’t really say anything about it. Everything is just as is doing our every day thing. I was kind of surprised about it and that he didn’t get really mad about it and say more. But I don’t feel like he would try to do anything to me or anything like that. I have had the thought the last couple of weeks that he may try to take the kids and things because of the way I have been and how bad I have been. I don’t know why but that has been bothering me for a week or so now it keeps going threw my head. That that he is going to use what I have went threw the last few months against me to try and keep them and not let them have them back. I feel i need to go and fix everything with them and make sure people know that I am with them and that I have them or have them back. But then I can’t show I have a place and things so that don’t look good when they ask. Even if I do he can still use the fact that we are still living here and things to try and keep them. But then I know it is all just my mind because at the same time I tell myself you know he don’t want them all the time and he can’t handle them all the time. He has done said it to many times and to many people have seen it. He has said it in text and letters to me all of witch i have. He says all the time in the same letters and things what a great mom I am and that he don’t want to take them a way from me and they need to be with me and they are better off being with me all the time and that he is ok with just having them on holidays weekends and when he is off and come and get them. He don’t want to not be in their life but he just knows that he can’t do it all on his own like I have been for so long. He couldn’t do it for a week with just two of them. i know part of it is being here with him again all the time too. It bothers me because it confuses the kids and they don’t understand and they are going to have to get use to us all living in different house and things again. I tell them all the time this isn’t going to be this way and it is just a temp thing and stuff but I don’t think they really get it. I have applied to job after job after job and don’t even get a call back. I have a 3 year gap in my employment history because I stayed home with my kids when I got laid off. I put that I worked for my friends store for a while. But there are gaps all in it where I worked until the places closed or I got laid off a lot of times and then if I didn’t have to I didn’t go right back to work I stayed home until I had the baby and stayed home for at least a year or so with them and things. So they still don’t call you back because they don’t feel you are looking for something full time all the time. they don’t think that things change and you may need to work full time now. I can’t do the things I use to do either. I hurt my neck and upper back when I got hit. Plus I got a report from two years ago they just done x rays and said that the bones in my back are deteriorating, there are flat spots in a few different places my back was turning in and like a trapezoid in a spot and that i had all this stuff forming all threw the spine. There isn’t a day that goes by that I am not in some kind of pain most days from it. I have built up such I high pain tolerance from it because I can’t walk around popping pills all the time. I know how to do stuff on the computers but I don’t know the office programs and things like that that everywhere once you to know. I am not a good speller and things either but I can do good and get by I always have with no problems. Then feeling the way I do if I had a job I can only imagain trying to drag my self threw the day and hold it together. I don’t like going out and being around a bunch of people and things. I use to be bad in big crowds I couldn’t do it. But I could go to the store and places and if I had to go into big crowds i knew what was going on and I would talk myself out of wanting to run or have an attack and things. Right now the thought of going into the store is just something I don’t even want to think about. i don’t know so much it is the fact of being around the crowds of people or if it is more the fact that it would take energy to get up get ready and even go threw the store to get the things I need and like everything else I feel I have none left to do anything with. I just don’t know anymore. I feel like a huge mess. I feel like I just want someone to hug me and love me like I do my kids and to tell me everything is going to be ok and that they are here to help take some of the stress off. I have never had that. I never really felt that much when I was a kid I always felt like a berden and like everyone just done what they had to to get by and get us grown on our own. I think that is one reason I fight so hard for my kids and care so much about my kids. I don’t want them to feel that way ever. I love my kids to death and I want them to know that and feel that. I want to be close to them and them to be close to me. That is another reason why this is so hard on me because I know even though they don’t say it and they don’t show it it is effecting them me being this way. I just got to get out of this and get over it and I just don’t know feel like I can this time. I feel like something has a hold of me that is way bigger than me that there is just no way out this time. I have never really felt like this even when I didn’t want to live before I didn’t feel this way. I want to live I want to get over this I want to be here for my kids I want to be that mom they use to know. I just don’t think I am going to ever get back there. Even when I am having really good days I feel like I am walking around in a haze or something. I feel like I have been sleeping the last two or three years. I feel so lost with everything and how to do even the most basic simple things at times. I just don’t know what is going to happen or what to do at this point i really don’t anymore. This has went on for way to long and it just seems there is no end in sight. At least for right now this few minutes now I am starting to calm down some. The wanting to run a way is going a way I feel like I can breath again and I am not crying my eyes out. I feel so exhausted but yet still don’t feel sleepy. My body feels so heavy. I am going to go try to find something to watch and hope peaceful sleep comes soon. I am sure two out of three will be up by at least 8 if not before. I need to be at least a wake and know what is going on and feed them and things. Ex has to work. I really feel like i do just need to get a way for a little bit just me by myself for just a few days or week even to just relax and not have to worry or think about anyone but me for a change. I have not had a kid with me for more than a few hours in the last 4 years. Probably. I all most always have a kid with me or thinking about where they are and being there to pick them up in a little bit or something all the time for the last 3 to 4 years. I might get a break for a few hours once every 6 months. Even then I am still thinking about them what they need if they are ok getting done in time to get back and be there with them on time and on and on. if your a mom you know what I mean. but you probably don’t because you probably have people who help you and support you and your spouse. People who know it is important that that you have a night or two here and there every so often to not have to worry about the kids and just relax. I really don’t have that. I don’t have anyone who watches my kids or takes my kids for the night or weekend or even the day. I really don’t. They are all to busy with their own life or feel that you should be with your kids 24/7 and your a horrible person for not wanting to be.

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