It is such a nice day out to get out of the house and do something fun with the kids. But yet here it is 3 pm and we have been in the house all day and done nothing. They have run around and played I have watched a few shows or poked around online. Mostly just wanting to stay in bed and sleep. I had plan to take them to the park today but that got cancelled last night on the way home. As I pulled into the drive way with my gas light on and praying we would even make it home. All the stores to get more were closed between my house and where I was.

Sure I could go put some in it today but what I put in it today has to last until next Saturday before I can get more. I have to get the kids to and from school all next week. I don’t think I even have enough to do that with the money I do have.

I am not use to this at all with money. I have worked since I was 14, it isn’t like I have every really had money but I have always had a little in savings. I have been able to buy things if I wanted them or to at least save up a few weeks and buy it. It got a little tighter when I got with my ex and had kids but we still had enough we were living check to check every week. If we wanted to go out to dinner or something we had the money to take the kids and go. Sometimes we would get up and spend the day going to flea markets stores and sales. We didn’t spend a lot but we had fun and the kids could get out and pick up a little something. Once in a while we would just spend the weekend out doing whatever we wanted to do shopping going places or whatever we found that looked like fun. But we always had the bills paid and always had the extra if we decided to do that once in a while.

Right now we have nothing to do anything with. The bills are stacking up we are supposed to be out of our house in a week. We have no idea where we are going to go or how. We go on fumes to get to and from school and work the last 3 days of the week most the time. I don’t even have gas to put in the truck to take them to the park to play for free. My daughter has asked me for weeks for a book that she wants so badly to finish her collection. She has read them all but this one and I can’t take her to get it. Because I don’t have it. She even said last night maybe it will be on sale today we could get it for less and why don’t we go shopping we can get a lot of it done today why they are having deals. I had to tell her we weren’t shopping today. I couldn’t. I am not even shopping for anyone other than my kids if I get any money between now and then.

I have $300 worth of stuff in pawn so that I could make the stupid loan payment on my truck that RC talked me into getting to pay his stuff. It was about $100 but then I knew I needed to buy food and gas for the rest of the week so I took the extra. I will probably have to leave it there until the first of the year before I can get it out. I won’t have extra then either but if I don’t get it then I will lose it all. Only one thing in the bunch really is worth anything and that is my daughters so I can’t lose it. I tried to just use my stuff but it wasn’t worth hardly anything. I don’t wear jewelry so I don’t have anything worth a lot.

Now the starter in both cars is going out. I have my other truck sitting there with a new one I guess I have to pull it of it and put it on the one I am driving. I have decided I don’t have the $60 to get it running again. It has a ton of new parts on it. I am going to pull them all off and put them in a box so that if or when something breaks on my other I can put it on instead of buying new. The one that is parked I just put brand new a/c all the way threw it 2 years ago. It messed up and they had to replace it about a year ago and it has hardly been used because it got parked right after that. I am going to take that off and have it moved to my truck also. Then just part the rest out or junk it. I will probably sell it for scrap and use that to buy Christmas with for the kids so they have somethings. It sucks because it is worth about $2500 if it was running but right now no one is looking to buy trucks and has no money too. If I held onto it until tax time and didn’t strip it I could probably sell it and get that out of it to use for what I need then. But with moving by next weekend i have no where to take it and no way to really get it there. I have had it towed twice. My friends husband towed it for me then or I would have lost it.

I know that is a lot of why I am so depressed too. Because we are stuck in the house and being stuck here I just think about all the bills adding up and the move and the not having the money to do what I need to do or to do things with the kids why they have a week out of school. I feel like I have failed and like I am a horrible mom. I feel like I screwed up so mad and made such a horrible decision over the summer. But I really thought at the time I was going to be able to save money and be in a better place and much better off by now. It would help me and him out we both would save some money and be better off. Now RC is better off and I am worse off than I was when we got together. He has a new job making twice the money he was making or more that he wouldn’t have had if we hadn’t gotten together and I hadn’t introduced him to my friends husband and his sister who got him the job. And then he does me the way he did over some body from the past and dumps his boys the way he did. Soon as he gets in a better spot dump everyone else and go live life and have fun. Forget everyone else kids and all.

I sit here and stress because of my kids and trying to provide for them and give them the things they need much less anything else. He sits over there and could provide for his and do anything for them and he dumps them off for someone else to take care of and don’t think twice about it why he provides for kids that aren’t even his. It’s crazy. I am going to get off of here or this is going to turn into a huge rambling post about something other than what it was meant to be about.

I am truly thankful and blessed to have what I do have. I am down to just about nothing and who knows what I will have next week. But there are people out there who are much worse off than we are. They are homeless, sick, or something like that. I thank God for what we do have. I just wish I could figure out how to get back to where I was at. I want to go out and buy the stuff for the kids for Christmas and take the kids to buy the stuff to give to toys for tots like we do and shop for all the food and things we put together to give to the food drives and give to the red pots out side the stores when we go by. The kids love doing those things and it teaches them so much and makes them think about so much  more than just their self. We just can’t do it this year. I feel horrible that I can’t do that stuff and give the stuff we give most the time. The kids have asked when we are going to do our toys for tots shopping. I had to tell them we couldn’t this year. They were so disappointed.


2 thoughts on “So Not Use To This

  1. I was raised by a single mom, and I appreciate what you’re doing. Hang in there! Your kids will grow up to praise you for being there for them. I love my mom, who struggled for our family. Your kids are lucky to have you.

  2. Thank you my mom was a single mom most my life and it was hard but I don’t ever remember it being this hard. If it was I sure don’t remember it or she hid it very well. I think what is really hard for me is I don’t have the support and things that my mom had when she was raising us on her own. My grandma and grandpa were there for her and helped her a lot with daycare and giving her breaks. There were times we would be at their house for weeks or months at a time. Because my mom worked at the packing house and would 12 to 15 hour days or on the lines at the port. It was all temp work but she made way more money that way than she would working a Mon-Friday 9 to 5 job or something like that. The jobs paid way better to start with and she got all the over time on top of it. I don’t have that. She is not like they were at all. She don’t want to watch my kids for a few hours much less over night or for days for me to work or get a break. She loves them wants to see them but anything more she don’t want no part of it. I don’t have a lot of family around so it is mostly just me. Their dad is in the picture and helps when and how he wants to.

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