The walls feel like they are closing in feels like something squishing my heart. Feel the tears coming no matter how hard I try to stop them or hold them back they won’t stay away. Try to hide it but I’m sure it isn’t working. It’s just been a lazy day the kids and ex are up doing stuff eating. I’m just laying here on the bed. Thinking about getting up and ready. Yesterday was my moms 50th birthday my sister is having a little surprise party for her. I don’t really want to go. Not so much as I don’t want to go I just don’t feel like getting up getting ready and going. It seems like such and effort to get ready and get there. It seems like such a huge effort to get off the bed much less do anything else. Now I told my big boy it was grandma’s birthday and he wants to buy her a gift. I have to tell him we can’t. More like he said we need to buy her a gift and we aren’t going to be able to right. My baby at 7 shouldn’t have to think about us not being able to get such simple things. He knows we can’t get that he has to know other things aren’t getting taken care of. Just makes things so much better. I love them so much. He just wants to get her a candle maybe I will take him to the dollar store and let him pick one out. I should be getting there in a little while i better force myself up and get ready. maybe I can get there on time.