I am sure like me you have heard the age-old saying that women date guys like their fathers and guys look for women who remind them of their mothers or who are like them. I never paid it much mind until I read something along those lines on a blog the other day. When I read it this little light went on in my head. One of them aha moments.
I didn’t marry a guy like my dad. My dad was a great dad when he was around. He is the one I am closest to out of all my family and who has always tried to help me and support me no matter what. I don’t know how to explain it but I just never really seen too much in guys like my dad. He is hard-working and things but he is a home body who don’t really do anything but work and go home. I want someone who wants to get out do things go places or whatever.
I did however marry a guy like my step dad. Not 100% like him but I would say 95% like him. That wasn’t really a good thing after all it seems. When you’re a kid you don’t notice a lot of things about people you mostly notice the good things unless there is just something really creepy or odd about them you get bad vibes I guess you would say. He wasn’t around much when I was older as him and my mom got a divorce and he was out of the picture for a while. But I always remembered him working, and spending time with us and taking us places and he always helped my mom do things that needed done around the house. He would try to cook sometimes you could even eat it. He went out but it didn’t seem like a lot to me back then and mostly him and my mom went out when us kids weren’t home on the weekends. Over all he was just your all around dad and husband.
When I got with ex he was like that always do little things for me we were always together doing things. When we moved in together we would cook together and clean up after. Whatever needed done around the house we did together to get it done and over with so that we could go do whatever with the rest of our day. If one of us went somewhere the other was always there. When we had our first baby he was kind of not sure what to do or expect he had never really been around kids and babies. But he was ready to learn and help and always spending time with her.
As the years went on you start to see little things and notice little things and at first they aren’t a big deal. But then after a while they grow from just little things to bigger things and then it becomes a problem. It got to where he would lie a lot and about stupid stuff that was pointless to lie about. He would do every thing he could to avoid any kind of conflict no matter what it was how bad it was or what anyone done. They could say or do just about anything they wanted to him or me and he would act like it was no big deal and go on. It didn’t matter if it was right or wrong. He would never tell people no or do anything he thought might make another person upset, mad, mad at him or to think something bad of him. If he told someone he couldn’t give them a ride they might think he was an ass or be mad at him. He couldn’t have that so he just done it. No matter how much he didn’t want to or how far out-of-the-way it was or how much they put him out.
It got to where they became big problems between us because he started lying to me about anything and everything. It didn’t matter if I already knew he would still try to lie to me. No matter what happen or who it was he let them treat me and talk about me any way they wanted too. Even if it was nothing to do with me and something he done. He would let them jump me for it. I would be trying to defend myself and explain it and he would just sit there and say nothing or run a way. Then tell me later he was sorry and that was supposed to fix everything. After a while sorry don’t cut it. I want a man who is going to stand up for me and take up for me. They damn sure better if I am getting jumped and shit for something I had no part of and it was all them.
Then I got with RC and he was nothing like my dad or my step dad. He was different all together. I don’t know how to explain it. He was a lot like me. Didn’t care who you were if you were wrong you were wrong and he wouldn’t mind telling you. If you asked something you better really want the answer because it isn’t going to be sugar-coated or beat around the bush good or bad your going to hear the truth. And if someone starts they better be ready to handle it because we aren’t going to back down. But he also if someone started with me messed with me or disrespected me he was quick to jump in and put a stop to it. I know I stepped on toes there some because somethings he would be handling that had nothing to do with me but I felt they weren’t treating him right or doing what they could be or something I would want to step in and say something or I would. I know he didn’t like it he would say he could handle his own stuff and he didn’t need me to take care of stuff for him. I knew he didn’t but I was just so use to always doing it for myself my kids and for my ex. If I didn’t do it or handle things they didn’t get done. It was hard to sit back and not say something or fix it. Plus it would make me mad if I felt he still wasn’t getting done right even if he did.
He use to say when we first got together that when we talked it was like talking to himself in the mirror, because we had pretty much the same view on most things. But it was nice to have someone who was more of and equal than the experiences I had with my ex and guys in the past. He at first helped with stuff and we did most stuff together and things too. If he was working on a the truck or had a side job to do I went with him and would help him or just go to keep him company. We would go out when we didn’t have the kids and things. He would help around the house with dinner and we had to go out to wash the clothes so he would go with me and help me when we didn’t have all the kids. It gave us time together and it got it done faster so we could do something we wanted to why we didn’t have them.
But after I moved it the helping around the house and with things pretty much stopped. The going places together did too. We use to talk every night we would sit outside or somewhere and just talk for an hour or two sometimes more. We talked about everything from what was going on anything that happen that day the other needed to know about and then just things between us and where we were going what we were doing and make plans to get moved and things like that. That slowly faded a way too. If we did sit and talk it was more him telling me what was wrong what I needed to do and what he wasn’t going to do and things like that. He talked at me not to me or with me.
When I read that tonight on that blog that aha moment hit me. I know what happen with me and ex and I know what happen with me and RC.
You see no my ex isn’t like my dad and too much like my step dad. My step dad lied a lot too and really looking back was very passive aggressive. To us it was just mom and RF are fighting again or whatever and many times I would try to figure out why my mom was so mad at him because he did so much and was always there. But looking back he treated her a lot like my ex treated me. As I was living threw it with my ex I seen a lot from when my mom and RF were together that you don’t notice when you’re a kid or don’t think about as something being wrong.
But I could see why it didn’t work out between them like it didn’t with my ex and me. I should haven’t had picked someone like my step dad to be with. Because I don’t want someone like that either. Their they have a lot of good about them but the few bad trump the good when they don’t try to fix it or just don’t want to fix things.
My ex messed up when we got together because he didn’t pick someone like his mom when looking for someone to be with. If he wants to be the way he is and not change things or work on things he needs someone like his mom who will put up with him and take his shit. Like his mom does with his dad. His dad drinks a lot and is a lot like him in ways all though I think his dad is more out spoken and things but he is still not a very nice person and not very good to him mom either. But she just keeps quiet does what he says and what he wants and lives with it what ever he does. Truth me known I am sure that he hits her too. I didn’t know it but ex told me a while back that his mom and dad almost split up and got a divorce right after I left him. I am sure he threaten her or scared her into coming home I don’t know. Supposedly they went to counselling but it couldn’t have been for very long or very many times. Because when ex told me about it they hadn’t been talking about it for very long and then it was they were together and everything was fine again. He probably done like ex tried to do to me and went somewhere long enough to get her to stay and then stop going. But he really does need to find someone like his mom if he is going to have a relationship that is going to last.
RC messed up because he didn’t get with someone like his mom either. He didn’t find alcoholic drunk who drank and smoked from the time she got up until the time she went to bed. Who was jealous of him and anyone else who had their kids and was trying to take care of them and raise their family. Because she didn’t she was to busy drinking partying and drugging all the time to do it. Their grandparents raised them. His sister is scared of her. She came and seen us his mom lived 3 doors down from us she hid when she came out and went by to go to work and wouldn’t let any of the kids outside alone or close to her door. She said she might pull them inside and refuse to give them back try to kidnap them. The woman next door to me use to talk to his mom some she told me how she would talk about us and our kids and things. She said she can’t stand it you all have your kids and you all are doing it alone until you got together and was doing it. She didn’t like it because it was something she couldn’t do and she felt guilty. She had gotten a little better I guess now that they are grown and he had something to do with her. She did cook and clean and stuff and help him by cleaning and things. But for the most part she is just a stone cold alcoholic and he would even say that. Her liver was about shot she was going to the doctor and having problems with it when I was up there.
But when he was looking for someone he was looking for someone like June Cleaver. The parts that would come clean his house 2 or 3 days a week for him and keep his kids when ever he told her to so he could do what he wanted and who he could control by threatening to not talk to them, not taking them places, or whatever he thought of.
He too should have looked for someone like his mom because there are not do many people who are not drunks going to be treated that way and be instant mommy to his kids. I loved his kids to death and treated and thought of them as my own. But when you are putting two families together like that and you are increasing the size of a family to that size there needs to be some help. One person should not be expected to do it all. Plus when they are expected to pay half the bills and paying yours too. Not like I moved in had no money coming in and expected him to work take care of me and my kids and to come home and help take care of stuff and think I shouldn’t have to work. It wasn’t like that at all. I helped with everything bill wise and kid wise around there and handled the kids 90% of the time because he was at work. But I didn’t feel it was to much to ask for a little help around the house with stuff that was to do with everyone. He told everyone I didn’t work or pay anything when I was there.
I think like me when we met and got together he liked that we were more equal than it had been with his ex’s and things in the past. I was more down to earth and could handle most things on my own and take care of myself. He didn’t have to worry about me like the others. He would tell me some of the stupid stuff they would do or get into he would have to take off work or drop what he was doing to go take care of what ever it was. Or he couldn’t trust them to do things and get them done and taken care of and they would complain because when he wasn’t working he wasn’t stuck to them like glue. Like me they could go where ever he went or do whatever he done but they didn’t want too. They didn’t like it he wasn’t always doing just what they wanted to do. I wasn’t like that. I didn’t mind going and doing what he wanted to do or needed to do. I was use to doing a lot of it already because I grew up around it and I hung out with guys most the time anyway so if I didn’t I was around it with them. I like hanging out why they work on the car or going out to the river and fishing, I use to fish all the time when I was little now I like to just sit by the water and talk or whatever why he fishes. Sometimes I would fish with him or just help the kids so he could fish if we had them because he didn’t get to go that often. But he would also go to the store with me if I needed to go shopping for something or get the kids stuff and if I just wanted to look around. I know he wasn’t crazy about it but he would go because just like when I went with him it is time we are getting to spend together. We did things we both liked to do too like go to the flea market thrift stores and actions and things too.
When I decide to get back into a relationship I don’t want someone like my dad or my step dad. I want someone who is more of an equal to me. I want someone who is like me. Someone who can take care of their self, someone who can handle their own and isn’t going to back down or worry about what other people think of them because they are standing up and doing what is right. Or because they are not bending over back wards to please everyone. Maybe if us women stop looking for a daddy and guys stop looking for a mommy and we start looking for an equal we would all be better off and the divorce rate would go down. Really if you think about it why do we want some one like our dad we are grown we don’t need daddy around all the time. Men you are grown you don’t need mommy’s apron strings to hang on to. We need a partner in a relationship. A father daughter or mother son is not a partner type relationship. There is a big in balance in power there and that just don’t work when you are trying to have a relationship. I know the term is a figure of speech or just a general idea of how you are supposed to want someone to treat you. But I think in today’s time people really are looking for that daddy figure or that mommy figure and it just isn’t going to work.