I couldn’t even write last night I was so upset for so many reasons. I sat in disbelieve as I was on my way to pick ex up at work and my kids up from school. I was flipping threw the radio trying to find something worth listening too when I heard them talking about the school shooting. I hadn’t heard anything about it up until that point. I couldn’t hold back the tears they just came before I realized.

All I could think was I was going to meet my 1st grader at the bus stop in a little bit. That I was now on my way to pick up my 3rd grader. I felt such relief knowing they were going to be home so soon. I don’t know I could have went all day with them at school had I heard it earlier in the day. It is no where near us but it still shakes us to our core when something like that happens. I road listening to it going that could be one of my kids schools I could get a phone call or flip on the news any day and hear that something like this is going on at their school. At the same time going no they go to good schools they go to small schools the parents are all involved one is a private school the other is like a private school. I am thinking all at the same time they were in good schools this was a school for K-4th grade their biggest fights are over who cut in line or who didn’t play with who. They don’t talk and aren’t friends for a few minutes and are best friends in 5 minutes. This is my kids school or any other given school around me. This happen there it could happen at theirs. That scares the hell out of me.

I try not to live my life in fear and worry about things like that. But at the same time I try to be real about things. I think the other thing that made this seem so much worse to me is the fact that not only is this little kids who have done nothing to no one but this was a grown man who walked in and took their life. This happening at any school is a terrible terrible thing and by who ever. But this wasn’t other students mad at students this wasn’t middle school or high school kids in their schools. It’s a grown person going into our kids schools doing this. We are supposed to be roll models and set examples for these kids not showing them to go into schools and shoot them up. It don’t matter if you have kids or not. There are just things that you don’t do. I don’t understand how any one disability or not can go into a school with any age students and shoot it up and never think twice about it.

All I could think about was these poor little kids in class doing work having parties making things for the holidays and all excited about getting out for Christmas and Santa coming. Only the next minute to have such a horrible thing happen and never come home. Think about the families who were called to come to the fire department to pick their kids up. Standing there not knowing anything about your child watching as kid after kid walks by with their parents waiting on your child to walk up and them never walking up. Not even being able to be told before hand that your child was one who didn’t make it. Your child is just “miss” or whatever they told them until they were able to get all the students back with their parents and see what parents were left standing there waiting. Only then to be told that your child was one of the ones who won’t be walking out to meet them and go home. But one who you will have to identify and make arrangements for. What a terrible feeling that has to be. Not only knowing that you may have lost your child but to find out that way.

So much went threw my head why listening to this. I must have listen to it for a couple hours between going to pick up ex then my big girl and waiting in line for her. As soon as she got in the truck I turned it off. I didn’t want her to hear it or have to talk about it at that time. I was to upset and had to much on my mind. I had to many feelings and emotions to try to talk about it or answer questions. They are going threw so much I don’t want them to worry about something else or being scared to go to school.

Things have been hard the last few weeks with not having a place and staying with friends and family. Not getting along with ex but have to for now to do what is best for the kids. Feeling like such a bad mom for things being the way they are right now for my kids and things. At the same time I felt like such a terrible person for feeling so bad about the way things are in our lives when so many families had lost their child or children or a loved one. What a terrible person I was for feeling sorry for myself and my kids when I have my kids to hold hug kiss and snuggle with and get ready for the holidays with no matter where we end up if we have a house or not. So what if we are staying with someone or have no home. We have each other. I have my kids unlike 20 some other parents out there tonight.

I thought about all the things that have happen the last 10 years or so during the holidays. Before I met my ex and I had my kids we had a lot of sickness and death around the holidays. Christmas and things weren’t a happy time. cancer hit a lot of my family all at once and it was a bad battle that wasn’t won and it was right at this time of year. Thanksgiving threw new years. I thought about how that effected our family in my home and the extended family at that time and how it still effects me at times. All I could think about was how what happen was effecting those families right now and how it is going to effect them not only in the coming days and weeks but the rest of their life. How their holidays are never going to be the same or has happy no matter how hard you try. Their is always this thickness for say in the air this lingering of something missing. You just learn to go on and make the best of it for those around you and try to enjoy it yourself. I felt so bad for them that they are going to have to live life that way.

I try to tell myself that everything happens for a reason and that things go as they are meant to be. No matter how big or small no matter how good or bad. That God will never give any of us more than we can handle and that he knows what he is doing. But I have to say my faith isn’t that strong lately and this just makes me question things even more. These poor parents maybe able to handle it and get threw it and it may have happen for a reason and things may be meant to be the way they are. But I we are still talking about the lives of 20 little kids taken by a grown man. 20 little lives that had so much ahead of them. So much more to see do and experience in life. How could this be for a reason how can these parents brothers sisters aunts uncles grandparents handle this? How can they get threw such a thing? How could God let such a thing happen to such sweet wonderful helpless little people who we are supposed to protect and take care of? How can we take care of them and protect them? We are sending them to one of the places in the world they should be safest at. Not like we are sending them to play in the streets or to find for their self out in the world around them. We are just trying to get them a good education so they can be something when they grow up. We can’t be there to protect them 24/7 but we try to make sure they are somewhere safe and then something like this happens.

I have to get off here I could go on and on about all this I have so much running threw my head as I think about it hear about it and try to write about it. I just can’t wrap my mind around it like I’m sure so many others feel the same way. All I can say is my thoughts prays and anything else I can send go out to these families. Please everyone else please pray and do what you can for these families.

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2 thoughts on “Still Can’t Get Over Yesterday

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