It has been a very hard and trying month for me. The last day or two of last month RC called my friend that lives right around the corner from me that he knows. The one who came to help me get my stuff the night everything happen and I called the cops and moved out of his place and things. The one who’s husband help him get the job he has now. She was getting ready to start a birthday party for her little boys 2nd bday. I was on the phone when he called she hung up to see what he wanted. When I got over there she was telling me he wanted to know about some places to get help with something for the kids. She told him of one places she knew about and that was all she knew of. I told her about another place I knew of that was a lot better but she was busy. We went on and had the party and finished.

Later that night after I got home I thought of it and I knew she had probably forgot to tell him about it. I don’t want to see anyone’s kids do with out so I text him. I just said there is this place and this is where they are and this is the days you need to go there to talk to someone. I wasn’t sure of what kind of response I would get back if any. I wasn’t really worried about it. Figured if he wanted to get nasty then that was on him I was just trying to help the kids. I still care about the boys and things I raised them for like 8 or 9 months all day every day just like mine.

I didn’t hear anything back then in about 20 minutes I got a phone call and it was him. I answered it and he asked who it was. I knew he was but asked anyway. Figured he wanted to play games lets play. He told me I said it’s me and said my name. He sounded a little surprised. I think he didn’t have my number in his phone anymore. She probably made him get rid of it so he really didn’t know who it was at first by his response. He was surprised and acted as if he couldn’t really say anything. He just said thanks a lot that was really nice of you or something like that. I said no problem and hung up. About and hour later my phone said I had a missed call then another right in a row. I don’t have good service on my phone it never rang just popped up missed call and messages waiting. I was looking to see who it was and there was another missed call 3 in less than 5 minutes. But I wasn’t showing any incoming or out going calls since we had talked an hour or more before. I called my voice mail and there were 3. The first two you could tell someone was there but not saying anything then the 3rd one I could tell came from the same person but this time in a minute they said something. It was him. He said something about he just wanted to thank me again I didn’t have to do that and I had a big heart and all this. I didn’t know where he was but could tell he was driving and I probably alone. I just text him back and told him I wasn’t ignoring him that my phone never rang and it just popped up that I had messages. I said I just knew of that place I was with her when he called and heard them talking that I told her to tell him but knew she was busy and probably forgot. That we all have kids and that regardless of how things were or what happen I wasn’t going to see someones kids not get what they needed or do with out if I knew of somewhere to help. Again in a minute my phone was ringing and it was him.

We talked for a little bit and he told me he only had one of the boys and that they for some reason ended up back with their mom and then a DNA test came in the picture and that the older one wasn’t his. We already knew that but he had been there from the time she found out she was pregnant and raised him for the last 5 years. At first he really thought it was until things had gotten said by friends of hers and they started figuring things out and he really don’t look anything like him an is nothing like him. That don’t mean anything but still. He said he didn’t want to know he was his no matter what and things at the time. I just said yeah your right and left it at that. It didn’t matter to me either way. To me like he said he had been his kid from the time he was born and he had raised him he had been doing it alone then for almost a year. He was his he was ours.

He told me he was working the shop and towing now and that was where he was at then. He had gotten a call to tow a car. I don’t know if he really did I don’t think he really did because from the time he called me and the time he told me he was about home and had to go wasn’t long enough to go get a car hook it up and drop it off then be home. I think he told her that to get out of the house so he could call. After that he was calling and texting me everyday up until about the last 2 weeks. I already knew things weren’t going real good between them and stuff from things my friends husband had heard and been told. I never said anything. He made a few comments to me here and there about stuff and I just said you have and old lady or your with someone. He say yeah I know. Then later we would be talking and joking around about something or just talking and he would all of a sudden say I can’t talk to you I got to go. Or I can’t talk to you it don’t seem right and I’m with someone. I say ok I understand whatever and go on and it would be no time he was back texting me again that day. He said I can’t talk to you don’t want something to happen or something might happen. We are texting talking on the phone nothing can really happen and even if we were face to face nothing can happen that you don’t want to happen right?

After the first week he stopped really saying anything like that and would text me about every day when he got to work and things. At one point he started telling me a little about what was going on at home and things between him and her and how they don’t want him around and they just want him to work all the time and want the money. I can believe it because when they were together up north he worked out of town for a week or two at a time and brought home couple grand a week. That is one thing he about him he will work he will work 24/7 if that is what it takes to make the money. When we were together we had money he didn’t have to work like that and I didn’t want him to. I told him I wanted him there not gone working all the time just to have money. I had money coming in and he did as long as we could pay bills and that if something happen I would rather get a job than have him working 24/7 killing his self to do it all. She told him she was going to get a job when she got down here and all this and hasn’t done anything. She is talking to some guy from up there and things and that is causing problems. He was fit to be tied he was like I get called by his name all the time and she says it isn’t anything but all she does is sit online and talk to him all day and things. Says she can’t text or call him when he is at work because she has kids to take care of. She has 4 kids one in high school one that is 8 in school and two 4 year old that it. I said wow I had 5 kids at home with me all day and we still talked all threw the day when you were at work. He said yeah I don’t know. They rather me not be there and that I just bring the money home that’s what they like.

I just listen I never said anything about it or her. I just said it sounded like they needed to sit down and talk and figure things out and that everyone goes threw patches and things happen things like that. And that if they weren’t going to be happy together then maybe they should go their own ways or whatever that you can’t stay in something like that and not be happy forever. He said he guess he was getting what he had coming to him or what he deserved and things.

Few times we were talking and he said different things to me about what happen and things. Told me how he was sorry and it wasn’t my fault and what he did was wrong and things. He said he really didn’t want to hurt me and he had wanted to talk to me and that he wanted me to know that I wasn’t just a fling and things like that when we first started talking before he told me anything that was going on. What good time we had and how we use to have fun together and things. He said I don’t know what happen I found my daughter and then her mom started talking to me and got in my head and everything I was feeling and going threw with finding my daughter and things. She got in my head and I don’t know what I did. I couldn’t give you my heart. But that’s the past now and I’m sorry.

I had to get a new phone and I was texting my cousin and we were talking about things and meeting people and finding someone and then things being messed up or not what you thought. I said to him yeah look at me I got with this one really thought it was going somewhere and he wanted to get married and all this. I said I told him no I wasn’t getting married again but I wanted to be with him. I said you know I had started to think that if we were still together this March I might do it. But I hadn’t said anything to him I wanted to see how things went and make sure it was something i wanted to do again. But that I would have if we had still been together this year. Some how my phone sent it to RC my cousin and my friend. Everyone that was a contact in my phone at the time. The only ones I had added. I didn’t know at the time it went to everyone. The next morning he text me and said isn’t life funny and Fucked up all at the same time. I still hadn’t noticed it went to him. It didn’t show under his name. My other friend hadn’t said anything about getting it. I said what is everything ok. He said yeah just saying or thinking. I said whats going on need to talk. He just said no. Well later that night I was looking for something he had sent me and all of a sudden that text from me popped up under his name. And that was his response to it.

He never said anything about the baby for a while then something was said about it some how. I told him I said you know things got said that night that probably shouldn’t have but you attacked me telling me that you were going to take it and fight me for it and everything else when nothing had been said about it. I said I was upset and wanted you to go a way and leave me alone I didn’t want you to take it or fight me for it so I said what I did about it not being yours. I said but it is and like I said when you asked me something the other day I never cheated on you and you know me I am not that way. If I had I would tell you what is there to hide now and lie about. I said I understand if you want we can have her tested when I have before I ever leave the hospital. That is up to you and it won’t bother me none. He just said no it is yours I don’t want it I am not going to fight you for it and I am not going to take it. I don’t want to know nothing about it. I said well you need to be in it’s life and it needs to know her dad and her brother and sister. I told him it had been bothering me that they weren’t around and things. He didn’t say anything.

Later they told me at the doctor that the baby was very tiny and the bones weren’t growing. That she was only in the 9th% tile and they like them to be in the 90th or better. They were making me go for NST’s twice a week and then I found out that I could lose her at any point and that at any time if I came in and her states dropped and they didn’t like what the test were showing that I would have to go right into the hospital and deliver no matter how far along I was. At this point I was only about 27 weeks or so. I text him and asked if we could get together and talk. I had already told him I wanted to get together and talk before he just decided to not have anything to do with the baby. I told him if he wanted to bring her that was fine I would like to talk to her to if she would. Because his daughter has Downs and heart problems and different things wrong. I wanted to get medical history on her and see why they felt she had the problems she did and things. To give the doctors some idea maybe of why the baby was small or something to look for. I wanted to know if they had told her there were any problems before she had her and things or if they had thought everything was going to be ok. He said it would be better of we didn’t get together and talk and that if I didn’t talk to her. He asked why I wanted to talk. At first he was scared I guess that I was going to tell her we had been talking or something. I told him no I wouldn’t do that. It had nothing to do with him me and him or even her and him. I told him I wanted to talk to him about the baby. He called me and asked me what was wrong and things. I told him and why I wanted to talk to her. He said she was really early and that is why she had the problems she had her mom got in a car accident and went into labor. I told him I was going for test twice a week and things what they had told me about her. After that I would text him after my test and tell him what they said and how things were and he would respond. Then they set me up for another u/s and told me to go every 4 weeks until I had her. I told him I had it on the 14th of this month and if he wanted to go. He said probably not a good idea. We weren’t talking as much at that point. I just said ok I was letting you know and that you could come I am not trying to exclude you. I told you you could be a part of it if you wanted to and that I want you to be a part of her life so I was just letting you know.

When I went they said she is in the 17th% tile she is growing but still tiny. The doctor said she thinks she is just going to be a small baby since I am not that big and he isn’t either. He is 5’5 maybe 5’6 and I am only 5’3. He is 140lbs if he is lucky. I am bigger than that by to much lol but never had been until about 4 years ago when I had some health problems. So she isn’t to worried since she is growing just not as big as most babies this far. I am figuring on a 4 to 5lb baby. If she is much over 5 I will be very shocked.

We haven’t talked in the last week or so. I sent him a pic from the u/s and never heard anything back and a few text and haven’t heard anything back. I found out his phone is off and has been I guess since right about that time so he may not have gotten it. I know he didn’t get the ones after. I think it was off when I sent that one too or he would have said something. From what I hear threw the grape vine things are ok right now. She got her tax check and his so she has money and he finally got her to go get her meds and take them. Come to find out she is on meds for something and she flips out plus he told me she drinks all the time pretty much all day. What money she gets goes to her drinking and smoking and gas he pays everything.

You know I never texted him expecting that we would talk the way we did or expecting anything more than to just tell him that and go on not talking like we had been. One of the first things he said to me that night he called was I didn’t say anything to you at the shop that day when you were there with your friend because you told me to leave you alone and act as if you were dead. I said nope you told me to forget your number and not to speak to you so I told you that was fine but I wasn’t going to be calling you when I had the baby. I said it’s not a big deal I was just meeting her that was my cousin because my grandpa had just died and we were on our way out of town to be with her mom and my dad.

I didn’t realize the feelings I still really have for him. It had really bothered me since that we aren’t together the way things are there and that his youngest that we had is over there in the middle of it all. I know how he is and I know this is really hard on him. She has taken him out of school and everything else. I have to say I really was in love with him and that I still am and I still love the boys. I never thought I would feel the way I have about all this. I want to talk to him and tell him. At the same time I don’t want to come between him and her. I know things aren’t really good there and that neither of them are happy and he thinks she is going to leave before it is all over with the next few months.

I was talking to my friend about it I told her I would give it another try. Things just weren’t right at the time and we both said and done somethings. He really done somethings by going up there and getting with her and things but we all screw up. I think he was trying to figure out if there was still a chance there and things to by some of the things he said. I never told him there was or there wasn’t. If he would say something I would just say you have your girl at home and I’m not that way or you know I wouldn’t do that your with her. One point he said something about something I said. I said wait a minute I didn’t mean anything by it I was just saying as a friend and that is it. I said I am not trying to come between you and her you all need to sit down talk to each other not at each other and really listen to each other and work on what is wrong. Not you work all the time so your not there and her drink all the time. But he knows me and he knows that when I leave I’m done and don’t go back. There has only ever been one person I would have ever taken back other than him and they have passed a way.

I told her also I know a lot of people were not happy about the way things went and me and him splitting up and him bringing her down here like that. He tried to play it we were having problems and I had done things and thats why we weren’t together before he ever told anyone they were coming down and what he was doing. I guess to make it look good on his part and that he didn’t do what he really was doing. Because like everyone said we really didn’t have any problem but the place being to small for all the kids and we were going the next weekend after he got home to get a house. I think he is embarrassed about what he done and I think he also feels guilty about his daughter now that he has found her and hadn’t been there all these years. But I also think things aren’t as good with her as he thought they were going to be. I think the mom pushed the kid to say things and stuff like that to get him up there and get all this the way she wanted it. I think now he feels like a big ass because things weren’t what he thought and he don’t know what to do to get out of it and he feels bad about her.

I know how it is to be the one looked at as walking out and not trying or breaking the family apart and then having everything with the other fall apart. Even though I wasn’t the one that caused the problems with me and ex and I waited over two years for him to fix things most everyone looks down on me and stopped talking to me because they feel I was. Then they all think it is so funny that I ended up the way I am and back at my house and that me and ex had to get a place together so that the kids would have a place. Even though I know the truth it is embarrassing and I feel like crap over it. As soon as I get everything straight with child support with ex I can get a way from him. but until it shows threw the court no where will count it as income or I wouldn’t have had to go back to my house and then ended up homeless for months and in the spot I am in.

I just don’t know what to do. Something keeps telling me to go talk to him and tell him how I feel and things. I had written something I was going to send him then found out his phone was off. But then there is that little part that says yeah but he really don’t care and he is just going to get a good laugh at your expense and go on. But I really don’t believe that and I really don’t believe that he don’t want anything to do with the baby. I think he has gotten with her seen how she really is and don’t feel the baby should be around and her. I also think that she has told him to either fight me take the baby and get me out of the picture or to have nothing to do with it because of the way things went and what they done and how things are she don’t want me around. I think with everything that just happen with the oldest and having him taken back by the mother and things and it really not being his and him pretty much knowing it from the start after what was said the one night he is scared to get to close to involved not knowing for sure it is his. I think he knows and he had said before he knew for sure there wasn’t a doubt at all to him that it wasn’t his someone said something when we first found out joking around. But I think after I said what I said that night to get him to leave me alone he now had that hint of what if and look what I just went threw with the other one after 5 years. That may be why even if getting back together and he thought there was a chance he didn’t say or do more. Because he don’t know and don’t want to get into something like that again and if it isn’t his then that would mean i had been lieing to him and things and he don’t want to get into that either. I don’t blame him at all for feeling that way.

I just wish we could really get together talk and just be open and honest with each other about how we feel what we really want and set something up so that him and Cory are apart of the babies life no matter what. He said something about me stopping at the shop and being to good to come there or something. I have stopped in a few times but he don’t say much. Few times I don’t know if he was there or just busy. But we really can’t talk there. I don’t know I feel I should just leave it alone but I just can’t help the way I feel and the nagging to tell him. I think he is with her regardless of how things are between them they are together. Then I feel bad because at the same time I think who cares she didn’t care when she was going behind my back and doing this. Then I think what are you saying your not that way and I have never thought about doing that to anyone and will be the first to tell someone if I know they are being done that way but I really don’t care.

loveandfightI keep telling myself maybe you left to soon and into much of a rush. He said that morning at like 3 it was done whatever. I took my kids kept them home from school packed their stuff why he was at work took them dropped them off and went back to stay until I could pack my stuff and get it out. Then everything happen I threw it together that night had him move it and went back the next day got the rest and left. I think maybe I screwed up there. Maybe I should have stayed and tried to talk to him and see what was going on and figure things out work them out. But I was so upset and then he attacked me and brought them all down there in the middle of everything. I think maybe he really thought I didn’t care and wasn’t happy. He made that comment to me too you didn’t seem like you were happy and you didn’t act like you wanted to be there. I was just so hurt so shocked and upset that I didn’t know what to think or do what to say. I wanted to get the kids out of there because I didn’t know what to expect next and he had said his kids weren’t coming home until I had gotten my stuff and gotten out. I did think maybe we would talk but everything blew up before that had a chance to happen because I was so upset and hurt. Now I sit here and wonder if I screwed up if I should have said more then instead of just getting up and leaving. I just don’t know. I just feel I need to talk to him and that maybe I missed my chance to fight for what I really want. I even thought for a minute that even if I left things would cool down in a day or two and we would talk and see where things stood. Then I found out that he already had the plans to bring them down and was back up there in 3 or 4 days to get them. There was no time for things to cool down or to talk once I left. I just wish there was an easy answer and I knew what to do. Wow this is supper long thanks if you got this far. and read all my ramblings. I just don’t know and I am sure my friend is tired of hearing about it. I have been so down and depressed with everything going on with him and talking to him and with the stuff going on with the baby.

 

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