{July 31, 2013}   Lets Go Geocaching

I came across this Sunday night when I couldn’t sleep and started reading about it. I had heard about it never really knew what it was. After reading it it sounded like something that would be a lot of fun to do with the kids. I fell asleep reading about it I read and read. I looked up to see if there were any close to me and wow there are a lot just with in a mile radius of where I am. Most all them said they were good for kids and there is even a group named for the area we are in who does it that isn’t to far from us. I picked 6 that were really close. I didn’t figure with the kids we would get to all 6 I figured at least 2 maybe 3 depending on how hard it really was how the 3 little’s were doing. The two can lose interest in things really quick but figured since we would be looking for stuff and different places and they knew we got to see different things in the boxes it might keep them into it.

Monday I go drop ex at work get the little girl I watch and bring them home to eat. I explain it to the 4 of them the best I can and they are all in and think it is a great idea and can’t wait to get out there and go. Well in the mean time of us getting ready ex says he is on his way home and all that. So he ended up going with us. I am kind of glad he did. We did not find anything after looking for an hour.

I did manage to fall down in a hole, hurt both feet and my one leg and keep the baby from getting hurt all in one shot. Thank goodness I was wearing the baby and not just carrying her in my arms or I would have dropped and she would have gotten hurt too. We also learned that you can pull up park and wonder all over the fire the department for an hour before anyone will come out and ask what you are doing if there is something they can help you with. Even after a group of them watch you fall in the whole and say nothing. And still don’t say anything about it and ask if you or baby are alright.

I told him that we had seen the game online and that there was supposed to be one there somewhere that one of the guys there had hidden or that a fireman close to there had. He said he knew nothing about what we were doing or anything being hidden there and looked at me like we were crazy. I told him we were about done we were going to research it some more and see what we could find out we left after that. Thank goodness I didn’t get to hurt my one foot still hurts a little but not much.

I have been researching it some more and figured out what I did wrong. We just tracked the address not the coordinates. I have an app I got offline and it has a place for them but I can’t figure out how to work it. I put them in on google map and it will come up but I have to figure out how to get it to work on my phone so I have it when we go. The kids really want to go and try it again. I think it would be fun. They say we are looking for treasure lol. I think if I can get my phone to work it will be a fun hobby for us to do and we don’t have to travel far for now to go do it. Really you don’t have to travel far from anywhere to do it so when we have time to kill places or between going places we could look one up and try to find it. They want to hide one too and track it that seems like it would also be fun to do see where all it goes or set a goal and see if it can make it.

Anyone else out there doing the geocaching?

{July 31, 2013}   He’s Back

Mr. Not So Shy has been sending me messages again here and there that last month or so. I don’t know what to think of him he will send me a random message here and there and we will talk. We might talk one night then I don’t hear from him again for days or a week. I hadn’t heard from him since before me and RC got together and he sent me those few messages. About a month or two ago it was late and I was online and he started talking to me. Mostly just hey how are you why you up so late and things. Then in little bit he said he was going to go to bed and try to get some sleep. Something got said and we ended up talking for almost two hours. He started telling me how he likes to sleep and how he needed a massage and what they normally lead into and things. Said he was pretty good at giving them and if I ever wanted to swap massages to let him know.

He started sending me massages again Saturday when I was at my friend watching the kids right before they came in. I came home and talk to him some more. he was talking about massages and things.  I asked him where we were going to do this and he said my house in my room lol. I said yeah that wouldn’t be good right now. He asked why I just said that is kind of complicated right now. He said oh we will have to figure something out. I figured he was going to ask why or what was wrong he may just figure because of the kids. I don’t want to get all into it online in messages. I figured I would explain if we ever did meet up.

I don’t know what I think about him really. I use to like him and would have been interested if me and ex weren’t together. he is really nice seems quiet and like a said shy. But I have heard he has been going through a lot the last few years and he wasn’t looking so good the last time I seen him about a year ago. Ex had said about 9 months ago he seen him he wasn’t looking good either. Let me explain that not talking about oh he looks good or he is hot. But that he looked like he was sick or something. I heard rumors that other things were going on. I just can’t see that from him but the way he looked I just don’t know. I seen him a month or so ago at the store I didn’t stop and talk to him he didn’t see me and he looked a lot better than he had been. But if he is dealing with things I don’t know that I want to get into that.

I am not even sure what he is really interested in if he just wants to be “friends” if he wants more or what. I think it also bothers me that he is younger than me and that he has no kids. I am not sure how much younger than me he is but I know it is at least 3 years and I am thinking more maybe. I don’t know why it bothers me that he don’t have kids and that he is younger than me. Maybe that’s why because he is young and don’t have any. I really am done and don’t want anymore and him being younger and not having any he may want kids and I don’t want anymore. I think he would be fine around mine and with them. He has been around my older two some when they were little and he knows I have them and that I have 4 now if he has been looking at my stuff online. I don’t hide it 🙂 . I said something about the baby a few times the other night when we were talking so he knows that I have one that is pretty little. He didn’t say anything about her or ask anything about her dad. He asked me before about ex and he knows that we aren’t together and haven’t been. That I was filing for divorce and waiting for it to go through court. he hasn’t asked me if that went through or anything about that either. I haven’t told him it isn’t done yet. I think that is part of the reason he stop talking before was it hadn’t been done yet and the fact that they called ex back about going to work maybe. Then shortly after that is when I met RC and we got together.

I think he really is interested in maybe more than just friends. I think he would have talked to me before if me and ex hadn’t been together of if something had happen back then but then we ended up getting married and thing. We use to always talk and joke around and things when I would be talking to ex on the phone or at the job site parties and things. But he is that way he wouldn’t have said anything knowing we were together. He wouldn’t try to get between someone like that. I wouldn’t have done it either because me and ex were together. And I respect him for that too.

I am supposed to be going out on the gambling boat in a couple weeks. My friend and a group of us girls. They are having the male review. We were supposed to be caught up and out of the jam we are in by then so I was going to go. i have a sitter set up and everything. Now I don’t think I am going to be able to go if me or ex don’t find a job in the next day or so. I may still take the baby to the sitter and see if he wants to get together for a while we can talk. Maybe I can see what he is really looking for and how things are.  I am going to say something to him about it when I talk to him again. i am sure I will hear from him in the next few nights.

I figure I am not sure what I want that is no secret  Lonely from my other post. I should at least talk to him and see what he is thinking and fill him in some on where I’m at. Part me feels he isn’t really interested and then part of me says maybe he wants more than just friends. I hate this whole dating and guys thing. Why does it have to be so complicated? Or is it again just me? I feel like I am all over the place with everything anymore.

{July 31, 2013}   In A Funk

I haven’t posted in a few days, i have been in a funk the last few days. Not sure what is up haven’t really felt like writing or doing much of anything. I can’t even say because there hasn’t been anything to write about because there has. I can’t explain it really. I really don’t feel like it now but I know I need to and I have too. I don’t want to go months, weeks or days with out writing something anymore and it has been days already.  It isn’t just writing that I haven’t felt like doing I don’t feel like doing anything. I don’t feel like getting up and going anywhere or anything. I have come here and started a few post and but never finished them. I am going to try to do that tonight.

So far this week ex lost his job Monday. They told him and a few other guys to meet at the office Monday not the job site they were being moved to other jobs. I dropped him off since we are down to one car right now and he called in a little bit said one the guys from work dropped him off up the street he was on his way home. They told them they have no work maybe in 2 months they would have work but it was over 3 hours a way and they would call them if they needed them. They did just what i told him they were going to do work him at nothing until they got this school done so they could open it in a few days then get rid of him. The guy said it was a full time job but I had a feeling the way he did him from the start. So now he is looking to find something. We are hoping a tow truck job comes through. He is supposed to also go over to the station where RC was working when we split up and check on a lite service truck job there. It would be nice if he got both of them but I don’t know if he would be able to do them both or not really. I guess we shall see.

Saturday me and the baby went over to my friends and sat with her kids why they went out on the gambling boat. It was a nice evening. I was going to write after I got the kids to bed but then me and her older two girls got to talking and I spent time with them instead. They are 13 and almost 13 one is girly girl into the boys and the drama and everything else and she is super skinny. The almost 12 isn’t into the boys and all the girly stuff she is on the bigger side and into sports and stuff. But they both want to lose weight. The one really don’t need to she is already very skinny. The other is ok but it wouldn’t hurt for her to if she wanted to. The one that really don’t need to is going about it all wrong she is just not eating and things. So we got to talking about that and the right and wrong way to do it and things. I showed them an app they could put on their phones to help them do it but still eat what and how they need to so they are healthy. Then my friend started messaging me to and before I knew it it was 2am and they were home. I went home and pasted out too. I did catch up on some much needed sleep this weekend and feel better than I have in a very long time when it comes to sleep.

Saturday we went to see my mom and grandma for a while and other than that I just lazed around the house. The last few days have been lazy days too.

{July 25, 2013}   Lonely

I have been feeling very lonely lately. Well for a while really. It is 3:30am and I can’t sleep. I have a really hard time sleeping. I know part of it is stress and a big part is not having someone here with me. It has been 10 months since everything happen with me and RC. I haven’t talk to anyone or seen anyone since then. I have wanted to but I wasn’t in a place that I could talk to other people or think about a relationship. I wasn’t going to be talking to people when I was pregnant. It just didn’t seem right and to be honest I guess there was a part of me that hoped he would see what he had done and come home. I think to be honest there will always be that little part of me that will wish he would. But at the same time I have to be realistic and know that that isn’t going to happen. He is where ever he is doing what ever he is doing and in the situation he is in and may never get out of it. And even if he did don’t mean anything would ever happen between us.

As much as I want to meet someone new and move on with my life in that area I don’t at the same time. In ways I feel that I just need to forget about being with anyone and just take care of the kids. It seems weird thinking about meeting someone and having the baby. I feel like it makes it look like there is something wrong with me. I’m divorced going through a divorce whatever. And I now have a baby by some one who isn’t in the picture. I feel people look at me and think they didn’t want her we don’t. Or people look at me and think that I just jump from guy to guy and it really isn’t like that. I really wasn’t looking to get into a relationship when I met RC. I wanted someone to talk to to hang out with do things with to get to know and and just see over time where things went. I never intended to have the feelings I had for him like I did or when I did. I should have still waited a while longer before we got into such a relationship. But I really did love him. I have had a few people say oh you just fell for him because of being in the relationship with ex so long and him not being there for you and treating you how he should have and being lonely. But that really wasn’t it at all. If that was it I could have went with any number of people. I had a lot of guys talking to me and wanting to get together go out and things. But I just wasn’t people I wanted to be with some of them I knew very well some of them I just knew from here and there didn’t know a lot about. I did talk to one guy a little bit. It was just different with RC. There was just something there we just really hit it off from the first time we talked.

I know I could just take care of the kids and forget about moving on with that part of my life until they are older or what. But I really don’t want to do that and the kids even talk all the time about wanting mommy to find someone nice and be happy. Not that I’m not now they know I am but like being here with ex and things the way they are. They know I don’t like it here and it isn’t a good situation. They even talk about daddy and wanting daddy to find someone new to be with so he isn’t alone and things. They know that you don’t have to have some one to be happy but it is nice to have someone.  I also know that I know the truth about why I am in the situation that I am in and that I shouldn’t worry about what others think or say so much and really don’t most the time. But for some reason it just really bothers me when it comes to this. Then I think also who is going to be want to be with someone who has 4 kids already? If they do then they are probably going to have kids too and then you have the whole kids getting to know the other kids and getting close to not only who ever your with but to their kids. As if dating/relationships weren’t hard enough you throw kids into the mix and forget it. You take it to two new levels it seems. I am not ok with bring my kids into the picture to meet someone new as early as I did with RC. I think at this point we would have to have been talking for a long time before I would consider a relationship and then still be in a relationship for a while before I would really want to involve the kids. What are guys going to think if you don’t want them to meet your kids and things. I got to think about my little bitty too and the fact of her not having RC around. I don’t want to get into something with someone and have her get close to them and have something happen either. I’m not looking for a dad for her she has a dad he needs to stand up and be a dad to her. But just like with the other kids I don’t want them to get close to someone again like they did with RC and then have something happen. But I think that with things the way they are with her it would be harder or worse for her. I don’t want to do that to her or any of the kids.

Sometimes I feel like I over think it all and I do really think about anything that I go to do and go over everything and try to think about every little thing. But again I am not as bad about it with other things as I am this. This area of my life I just think of everything and anything and then some. I think really I want to have that relationship so bad and want to be with someone to have the closeness the companionship the friendship the someone to talk to someone to do things with to care about to care about me and to just have that bond or whatever you want to call it with. But I am so scared of getting hurt again myself rather it be right a way a few months down the road or years down the road like it was with ex. I just don’t want to be hurt and go through all that again. I don’t know how I would be if I had that happen again.

I don’t know how to get past and over what I went through with them. I can forgive but I don’t forget I can’t forget as much as I would like to and I try. I can’t forget the hurt that I feel I can’t forget the way I feel about myself and the way that I second guess everything because of the way I feel. I guess I just feel very insecure and very vulnerable. I never felt that way when thinking about relationships. Ex has said and done somethings that should have never been said or done. RC never really said anything he said one stupid thing that has stuck with me I think about it daily I guess probably because ex has said it or maybe not that but along the same lines. That I can’t be loved. RC told me that and ex tells me all the time and did before all that is wrong with me and not that things didn’t work out with me and RC it is worse. He tells me all the time what is wrong with me. He tells me that’s why he don’t want me and probably RC don’t want me either. I really never done anything to either one of them. If I am so horrible then why is it that EX still begs me to give him another chance? If I am that bad of a person why dose he want to be with me so bad? And RC he don’t know nothing about what went on between me and him. Things were really good between me and him. He has told me over and over that I didn’t do anything wrong and how sorry he was and how good I treated him and how he let someone else come in and come between us. He let her get in his head and talk him into doing all this. But when you hear it all the time it still gets to you even when you know different and you know the truth. I try to tell myself that but it don’t work. I know that I am not perfect but when it comes to relationships I don’t play and I take them very serious and I give it my all and really open myself up and let people in. To be hurt the way I have by the last two people who I cared so much about really messes with you.

The things they say are bad enough. But then if you are with someone who dose something bad enough it breaks the whole foundation that is and was your relationship to the point of never being able to go back and not having any feelings for them really does something to do you too. You feel that if someone who you had so much with for so many years who isn’t supposed to hurt you who isn’t supposed to treat you bad and who should protect you no matter what the relationship is like. When they hurt you to the core and like that it makes you scared to get so close to someone again and scared of being hurt again so badly. Because if they could do it so easily and see no problem with it why would anyone else have a problem with doing the something it’s not like they even have that kind of relationship with you.

{July 24, 2013}   R.I.P. Freddie

Freddie seemed ok yesterday but by the time evening came he seemed worse than when we first found him hurt. He didn’t seem like he could move his back legs for some reason. This morning after I dropped Ex at worked and picked up the girl I watch I got my dad to go with me to see what we could get done for him. I took him to the local shelter they were rude and no help. I stopped at the vets office they said by talking to them they couldn’t do anything. I tried to take him to a rescue they were shut down and gone. They told me I could take him to the north shelter but they wouldn’t be open til 12pm tomorrow. I had to go about half way to the shelter to take my dad home we were talking about it. I said they have to have someone there to take care of the animals and they have cages they have to have someone who checks them even when they are closed. I figured if I put him in one they would find him take care of him. When we got there a girl was by the door inside doing some stuff. she seen me and unlocked the door. She said since he was a pet I had to come back tomorrow and do a owner surrender and sign for him. I told her I needed to do it now and what was wrong and that they couldn’t just let him suffer til then to please do something for him they were my last resort. She asked the other lady they let me in and did the paper work. I felt so bad for him. The lady their said them and the winner dogs are two of the worse pets for kids because they are so long and their backs they hurt them easy even if they aren’t being ruff with them. I feel so bad he hurt himself mote. If I had known that could happen I wouldn’t have tried to see if he could get better first. I had him in a big 10 gallon rubber maid bin with a towel. They had already said they were going to do it they wouldn’t leave him sit to suffer they would do it right a way. after i signed the paper she asked if I wanted to keep the bin. I said yes then thought about it and told them no. I knew they would take him in the bin do what they were going to do and bring me the bin back and it would be empty it would be done. I almost started to cry i said no yall just keep it pet him some and left.

I don’t know how they do their job. God knows I couldn’t do it. They just talk about it like its nothing. The lady ask the one girl if she ever did a rabbit. she said no but ive done ferrets and things. its probably like that I would think. So the women tells the guy to go help her. Then the girl says I’ll go get so and so I’m sure she has probably done it before. I had to have a dog put to sleep because of back problems 15 years ago and I stayed with him why they done it and it was one of the hardest things I ever done. If I had to do that all the time like that I would be a crying blubbering mess every day.

{July 24, 2013}   Our Babies

Our babies don’t know what we thought or how we felt when we found out we were pregnant, why we were pregnant or even when we were having them. All they know is the love we give them once they get here.

I am so excited I feel like I have lost so much and sacraficed so much the last year or so. To get something I wanted to keep so much back is the best feeling ever. Maybe things are going to start looking up. I love the color too everyone else hates it. They were going to get it painted I saved it just in time lol

I am so excited I feel like I have lost so much and sacraficed so much the last year or so. To get something I wanted to keep so much back is the best feeling ever. Maybe things are going to start looking up. I love the color too everyone else hates it. They were going to get it painted I saved it just in time lol


My second most favorite vehicle ever. I say 2nd because the car I loved got totaled back in 2008. I had to get a lawyer and fight the insurance company for a year and still ended up with nothing really for all that happen. But I then took the money I got and got my SUV I had wanted for a very long time. I wanted it and to have my car but. You can’t have everything. I never thought I would ever like a car or truck as much as I did my blue wagon. 1 because I just really liked that car and had plans to fix it up. It was just about an antiques. It just ran very very good to be as old as it was. It looked good all but the driver side quarter panel had been hit. I couldn’t beat the mpg it got either. It was a 26 mile round trip to go to and from work and I went 6 days a week. I would use a quarter of tank of gas.

I wanted the expedition but didn’t have the money. I wanted more room to take people with me when I went places. I had two kids by this point and it sat 7 but safely i only felt 5 was good. It had the seat that popped up in the back that faced the rear window. Plus it was small I needed room for adults. When I got my money from the guy hitting me I hunted and hunted to find me and expedition at the price I wanted to pay in good shape and safe for me and the kids. I finally found one but it was a ways a way from me. I called the guy and talked to him and set up to go down and see it. He said he wanted to move it and would make me really good deal if I came down. I went and seen it and liked it. It didn’t have the back seat but I figured I could get one from the junk yard or online and put in it. Test drove it and it ran great rode nice cold a/c over all a nice truck. But I didn’t have what they were asking and wasn’t willing to give them what they were asking. It wasn’t to much over what I had so I figured I could get it. Plus he said he wanted to move it and would make a deal on it. Well after I drove it and he knew I wanted it and I was the one buying it and he was dealing with not my dad or ex that was with me he didn’t want to come down on it at all. He didn’t even want to talk about it. He just wrote up all the paper work why I was trying to talk to him about it. He started showing it to me and telling me the terms and where to sign and things. I said wait this is at sticker price. He said yeah I really can’t go any lower I did this and that to it. Nothing big one was fix the back gate so it would open and it wasn’t right only part of it open not both half’s. But it was a easy fix just whoever he had do it didn’t know what they were doing. I said no I’m not signing anything he said but you said you wanted it. I said I do but you also said if I came down here to look at it and wanted it you would make me a really good deal you wanted to move it. I also told you after looking at it I wasn’t willing to give you over X for it. He kept talking in circles (guys seem to do that a lot when dealing with women who aren’t afraid to tell them like it is). He kept looking over at ex who was walking around with the baby and trying to talk to him about it. He just looked at him and said look it is her truck it is her money I have nothing to do with it, that is between you and her. He try talk to my dad and tell him to tell me what a deal I was getting. My dad said I don’t buy my own cars she buys them lol. He finally looked at me and said well that is all I can do I can’t come off the price on the window. then you have to ad this fee and that fee and this over here and it brings it to this price. I said ok that’s fine and picked my purse up and stood up to walk off. He looked at me shocked and said so you really don’t want it? I said I do but I told you this is how much I have to work with not a penny more. I said you don’ t understand I WANT the truck. I don’t NEED the truck. See that truck out there I came in I have that one and at home I have another one. They both run just fine. But this is the truck I want and this is the price I am willing to pay and I am willing to hold out until I find what I want at what I want to pay. He just looked at me like he couldn’t believe I just said that. He tried to tell me I wouldn’t find that kind of truck in my price range and things. I said they tell me I won’ t a lot of things but I am that stubborn I hold out til I get what I want or something better. He started looking at his paper and crossing numbers out and rewriting things. I started walking a way. I was telling my little boy to pick his stuff up and telling them to come on I had to get my daughter from school soon and I had to get going. He said wait a minute let me see what I can do. I walked back over there. I said I don’t have time to waste now I have to get home to get my kid so if it isn’t what I want to give forget it. In a second he says how is $3000. I said is that tax tag title and dealer fees all included? He said yes. I said if I give you that much right now I won’ t owe another dime for anything else it will be mine free and clear and I will get a title for it. He said yeah. I looked at my dad and ex and said I don’ t know now he wants to take $3000 for it and that includes everything. Do you think it’s worth it and I should get it? I thought the guy was going to fall out of his chair the look on his face was priceless thinking we just went through all that and he was giving it to me for what I wanted and I wasn’t going to take it. I made him tell them the same thing it was everything included and all. I paid him and got my truck. After I drove it for a while I really liked it. Once i got the 3rd seat put in and things it was great. I drove it all the time. It was my daily driver for like 2 years. Then last year when I seen this one that was newer I went to look at it I got a deal on it. It was a 2001 and I got it for $2000 I got it thinking I could sell my other and have a newer truck. After I drove it a while I decided I didn’t really like my new one I liked my old one better but it needed a few things done to it before i could tag it and drive it again. With me and ex splitting up then me and RC getting together and trying to get a place and things I really didn’t have the money to put into it and get it back on the road. So it sat most of last year and this year.

Well in December when we were homeless I ended up selling it for $500. It sucked because I had just put new a/c in it a tun up other new parts and things. And I really wanted to keep it more than anything. I wanted to get it back on the road and sell the one I have been driving. But I didn’t have any where to keep it when I didn’t have anywhere for me and the kids to stay and it was Christmas and I wasn’t going to let my kids go with out Christmas. So I sold it to cover that and other things we needed why we had no where to live.

Last week when the air went in mine I was so upset because there is no way I can replace it right now even with a used part. It made me sick thinking about my other sitting up there at the shop just sitting with ice cold a/c I just paid to put in not long before it got parked. The fact that this truck needs some other work that I don’t really want to pay to fix because I really don’t like the truck and would love to sell it at tax time and get something else. I don’t want to put a bunch more money into it. But it is to the point that when my friends husband looked at it last week to see what was wrong he told her the other part was really bad but he had already told me so I knew and he didn’t want to say anything else about it then because I was already so upset about the air being broke. The poor baby gets so sick being in the heat and screams until we get her out. But she told me later what he said about it. Friday we all went somewhere and we were following them and when we got where we were going he said you can’t drive your truck anymore. He said you need to park it and use ex’s because he knows I have to pick up the little girl I watch. he said it is very unsafe I was just looking at it coming up the road and that part is going to give out any minute and it will not only ruin your truck it will probably flip it and have all the kids in it. Because I always have them all with me. We found out the part isn’t to bad. it is a lot right now seeing as i don’t have a lot. But not bad. But I also need to replace other parts under there and all of them on both sides of the front end. Not just the one but he said if I did just the one right now I could at least drive it a little longer but that I really needed to park it.

Later that night or the next day my friend called and said that he told her to tell me and ex he would trade ex’s car/suv thing for my old truck if we wanted to do it. That it had the cold air and everything was good on it for the most part. Noting big that needed done right now. He had taken care of all the big things that needed done. We have talked and talked about it. Ex wanted to trade me before but I didn’t I had decided to keep my blue one then. So me and ex talked about it an he said he wanted my gold one not my blue one really that if I wanted to he would trade him get my blue one back and then trade me for my gold one. So that is what we done tonight. He brought me my truck home tonight. I was so excited but it got cut short with everything with the poor bunny. He is going to get ex’s car tomorrow after I get everything changed over on to the blue one from the gold one. I know everyone is going to say I am crazy because I went back to a older truck but I know that truck I know everything that has been done to that truck and it has all brand new parts on it with most still under warranty. I think the only thing that I haven’t put on that truck is a water pump since I have had it. I had the front in redone i had everything to do with the front a/c redone. It is like a new truck under the hood just older body but most people don’t believe it is as old as it is by looking at it. I am happy with it. I can go back to hauling stuff if I need to or towing with it if i have too. My other truck would not tow or haul. It bogged down under a load and it had the same motor and everything in it. I am so happy to have my truck back I can’t wait to drive it in the morning. I have to go pick up the little girl i watch then go right to the tag office with it and change my tag over to it.


{July 23, 2013}   Finally Looking Like A Home

It is no secret that I am not happy with the living arrangements and having to be living with ex. I have had a hard time with it more than most people know or think. Well when we moved in I put most everything a way but didn’t really put anything out as far as trying to decorate and things like that. One reason is because stuff that I had put up when I was unpacking to put out has come up missing. It was stuff I have been collecting for a while and kept up with through two moves and being homeless. I had it when I moved in here because I seen it had it in my hand and put up. Well now no one in the house has a clue where it is. It is just gone no one knows what happen to it. I have made everyone go through the house and every box, shelve, draws and spot they could be and they are not here. My sling for the baby also came up missing at the same time. I had some stuff here I was going to have a yard sale with and ex took it upon himself to take it and donate it before work one day or after who knows. But it left here that day with out me knowing until I went looking for it and asked. He swears he don’t know what happen to my stuff but then says just get new I will replace it. If you didn’t know where it is and know you didn’t get rid of it with that stuff then why would you offer to replace it? He still says he don’t know and it wasn’t in that stuff but that is when it came up missing. I had went through a bunch of stuff and put stuff in boxes. Well a few I had to put up until I could hang stuff up and put baby stuff a way. I think he just picked up all the boxes and took them that day. I wasn’t worried about them because I knew what ones I wanted and I knew what ones I didn’t. And I always glance through the ones I am getting rid of just to make sure nothing go in them that shouldn’t have. I had asked him to put the ones that I was keeping somewhere else so I didn’t know my stuff was gone until it was even to late to go where he dumped it to see if I could get it back. But anyway. I got some pictures from a friend I knew from church. She wasn’t using them anymore so I got them from here. I didn’t want them to get broken so I hung them up that night. Why I was on a roll and had him helping me with the drill I went ahead and pulled some other stuff out and hung it up in the rest of the house too. It really does look a lot nicer now. My kitchen is so small it was kind of awkward the way I had to hang stuff. Plus the stuff for in there is part of what got loss and he brought me other stuff to make up for it. They are ok but nothing like my other and I would like to have had them and the other or just the other because there was more pieces to the others. But anyway here are some pictures. Don’t look at the toys every where. I will get them under control one day. That is my next project.

this is the only wall in the hallway big enough to hang anything.

this is the only wall in the hallway big enough to hang anything.

Behind my couch hung them a little high so the kids couldn't knock them off with pillows or playing around. Wanted to do them different but this seemed the best.

Behind my couch hung them a little high so the kids couldn’t knock them off with pillows or playing around. Wanted to do them different but this seemed the best.

behind my chair again higher so kids can't get to them.

behind my chair again higher so kids can’t get to them.

got the 3 behind the couch and 3 behind the chair from my friend. Then this one. Didn't have anything to hang with it then remembered I had the two small ones I had gotten a long time a go in there they look liked they belonged together.

got the 3 behind the couch and 3 behind the chair from my friend. Then this one. Didn’t have anything to hang with it then remembered I had the two small ones I had gotten a long time a go in there they look liked they belonged together.

also got these 4 from my friend. this is living room wall also.

also got these 4 from my friend. this is living room wall also.

love this big cup for the wall. it is all metal very cool would like to find some others to go with it.

love this big cup for the wall. it is all metal very cool would like to find some others to go with it.


this one is one ex got to make up for losing/giving a way my other stuff for the kitchen.

this one is one ex got to make up for losing/giving a way my other stuff for the kitchen.

nothing like what i had but nice.

nothing like what i had but nice.


{July 23, 2013}   Our New Pet

Toward the end of June I decided the kids were getting old enough (maybe) to get a pet. Well another pet. We have the two dogs and I let each of the older ones get Beta fish for Christmas. This time a pet in a cage they have asked and asked for years. I always told them no pets in cages until they were old enough to take care of it their self. The fish was supposed to be a test run see how they did with them. That didn’t work to well as they are to much for them to take care of with changing the water and things. But it hasn’t been to bad they feed them and like having them in their rooms. I seen a free rabbit in a group. I had thought about it at Christmas time. My friend was going to get rid of hers and I was going to get it for them as a gift. Then we ended up still being homeless at then so I got them the tanks and things for their fish and when we got the keys to our new place we went and got their fish. Kind of a it’s really ours things are going to be better kind of things. If that makes since. Something to give them to do and take care of to help get things back to normal. I had decided at that time they probably still weren’t ready for a bunny and we needed to do more to prepare if we were going to get a bunny. Well 5 months later I see this bunny and he is cute and I think about it for a while and decide they are getting bigger and there are two of them to take care of it why not go get the bunny and give it a try. I didn’t have a cage but I had just got a bunch of wood so I could build him one. I have a big dog cage that is open that they could keep him in until we got the cage done. My dad came over right after we got him like the next day went out got all the stuff we needed for a cage and started to build it why I was out one of the nights he stayed. They didn’t get it done but he has been coming over and they have been working on it and it is theirs and grandpa’s project.

This is Freddie the night we brought him home. He is huge, way bigger than we thought he was going to be. Freddie is a 11 1/2 lb bunny.


We had to give Freddie a bath he used the bathroom all over himself when we got him and brought him home he was scared of the car ride and being in the box.




He finally laid down and relaxed and seem to like his bath.  Well when ex came home today from work he said the bunny didn’t look like he felt good. I said I would go look at him in a few minutes. Figured he was just sleeping. Didn’t figure he been very hot it had rained and stormed pretty bad out so not hot at all. My friend came over and I had sent the kids to clean his cage they came back and said he didn’t have water and something was wrong with him. Now I am worried because he hadn’t had water. I make the kids clean his cage twice a day and feed and give him fresh water twice a day. Today is the only day since we have had him that I didn’t have them go check his water and clean his cage. My oldest has been staying with a Friend since Friday and I had her little girl here staying with my others. They cleaned the cage late last night about 8 or 8:30. I knew they gave him full bottle of fresh water then and feed him he always has some left when they go to feed and water him each time. But I still make them check because cage is supposed to be done by 5 every evening so over 12 hours later when they get up he may need some. Well me and my friend walked back there and we thought he was dead. My friend was like oh no he isn’t alive. But he was breathing but didn’t seem good. I had the baby I told her to open the cage and stick the water bottle down to him and try to give him some. I am thinking he didn’t have water it was out for a while and he is dehydrated. Soon as she stuck it down to him he started to drink. He jumped some. Well when he jumped we seen that something was wrong he wasn’t moving right. His front paw was all turned out to the side. Something has happen to his pawl. I feel so bad for the poor bunny I heard him out there jumping around like normal through the night and even today. I don’t know when or how he ran out of water. He was a mess because he had used the bath room on himself. Ex got him out we put him in the grass and he was jumping around pretty good. He took him in and gave him another bath. I had the kids clean his cage really good and get it ready. But he just went back in it and laided there like he was died or dieing again. I don’t know what to do for him. Not sure really how it happen we weren’t home today for a little bit and hadn’t been out there today. I can’t afford to take him to the vet. I just really don’t have it. I have maybe enough to get through the week and take care of the things we need to take care of. Still trying to dig out of this mess we are in. My friends bunny got dropped and they had to put it to sleep because it made him till he couldn’t move. Another friend said take him to the pound because they would take care of him or if he couldn’t be helped they would do what had to be done so he wouldn’t suffer. Me and my other friend was going to take him we had him in a bin and I wrote them a note telling them this was our pet and we really cared about him but something happen to him and we didn’t know what but couldn’t take him to get checked out and didn’t want to see him suffer. We would rather see him get help if he could and go to another home if that is what had to happen to get him the help he needed. I even took his food to leave with him. But he started hoping around the cage not the greatest and he started trying to hope and come out of the box and things. We talked about it and decided to wait until tomorrow and see how he was. She let me use a different cage not as big so he won’t be moving around to much to get to his food and things. He is still able to move unlike her bunny and he seems feisty and like he still wants to hop around and explore. So we made him conformable in his other cage and are going to see how he is tomorrow. I was happy to see he didn’t seem to be in pain and seem to feel a lot better after his bath and some water and food. Hopefully he will pull through it. I am going to try to call some places tomorrow and see if I can get him in somewhere that will see him and if they will let me make payments.


I feel bad because I didn’t have them go check him this morning. And because I call him Denny instead of Freddie it has been a joke since we started talking about getting him. That if they didn’t take really good care of him he was going to be dinner. I told them to call him Denny so that when they would remember what I said about taking care of him. It was really only a joke but I feel horrible for making it and that now something happen to him when we just got him. The kids were really doing a good job with him too. But they knew he had a home if they didn’t. My friend loves him and wants him. They know if they don’t take good care of him she would come get him all I had to do was make a phone call. Just pray poor Freddie just sprain his leg and that it gets better soon. My kids will be so heartbroken if we have to give him a way or something happens to him.

{July 23, 2013}   Another Long Talk

The older two kids went to VBS Monday night so it was just me and ex home with the baby and my boy. Ex was acting funny I could tell he had something he wanted to say or talk to me about. I can just tell with him. I fianily asked him what he wanted to say or talk about. He said nothing at first. Then he told me he had been thinking about us and what happen and how he put work and everything before me and things we were supposed to do. He said he see’s now that even though he didn’t cheat on me with someone else it was like cheating because he was spending time he should have been spending with me working for other people or working because they needed extra help. He said that he seen how just because other people he knew went through worse things then us and stayed together that what is worse to one person may not be to another and that it isn’t about what he did it was about how it hurt me and how it made me feel. Then he wanted to still know if there was any way I would give him another chance and things. I told him no that there had been things done that should have never been done and that I can’t just forget about them even if I forgive. He wanted to know what I was talking about so I told him. It was very hard to talk about and I could tell he didn’t take it very well. A few times he tried to make excuses. I just told him that he could say what he wanted but he knew what he was doing and he knew how I felt about it at the time and he didn’t care. That even if he really didn’t and really felt he hadn’t done nothing wrong intentional it was still done it still had a very large effect on me and that I could not take him back and give him any more chance.

Like I told him you spend 7/8 years with someone you build a relationship with them you build a bond and a trust that you have with no one else. This is the one person in your life that you should be able to go to with anything and everything no matter what. This is the one person who should be there and protect you you should never have to worry about them hurting you. And that when they do the things he did that it completely shatters that trust that bond that relationship that you can’t just move on pick up and move on or anything like that. I told him how what he did has effected me since splitting up and how it is always there and always on my mind. That I don’t know if I really ever want to have a relationship again between what he done and then what RC did on top of it. But mostly what I was dealing with that he had done. I don’t know that I want to ever let someone that close to be able to hurt me like that again. I don’t know if I could ever let someone in and that close again even if I wanted to.  I told him that’s why I flinch if he touches me. I’m not doing it I don’t even notice that I do it until he says something. That’s part of why I want out of here so bad and why I don’t want to be around him. I just have a very uneasy felling when I am around him. I am always on edge when around him anymore. It is a very hard feeling to explain

I told him if it was just the him and work thing I may have stayed longer and tried to work it out but with the other I could never do that again.

I would have posted this sooner but something is wrong with my net and I can only get on sometimes. Other times all I can get on  facebook. I did a lot of this from my phone but had to wait until I logged in to fix it and do everything before I posted it. This was last Monday evening 7/15/2013


et cetera
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