{July 23, 2013}   Another Long Talk

The older two kids went to VBS Monday night so it was just me and ex home with the baby and my boy. Ex was acting funny I could tell he had something he wanted to say or talk to me about. I can just tell with him. I fianily asked him what he wanted to say or talk about. He said nothing at first. Then he told me he had been thinking about us and what happen and how he put work and everything before me and things we were supposed to do. He said he see’s now that even though he didn’t cheat on me with someone else it was like cheating because he was spending time he should have been spending with me working for other people or working because they needed extra help. He said that he seen how just because other people he knew went through worse things then us and stayed together that what is worse to one person may not be to another and that it isn’t about what he did it was about how it hurt me and how it made me feel. Then he wanted to still know if there was any way I would give him another chance and things. I told him no that there had been things done that should have never been done and that I can’t just forget about them even if I forgive. He wanted to know what I was talking about so I told him. It was very hard to talk about and I could tell he didn’t take it very well. A few times he tried to make excuses. I just told him that he could say what he wanted but he knew what he was doing and he knew how I felt about it at the time and he didn’t care. That even if he really didn’t and really felt he hadn’t done nothing wrong intentional it was still done it still had a very large effect on me and that I could not take him back and give him any more chance.

Like I told him you spend 7/8 years with someone you build a relationship with them you build a bond and a trust that you have with no one else. This is the one person in your life that you should be able to go to with anything and everything no matter what. This is the one person who should be there and protect you you should never have to worry about them hurting you. And that when they do the things he did that it completely shatters that trust that bond that relationship that you can’t just move on pick up and move on or anything like that. I told him how what he did has effected me since splitting up and how it is always there and always on my mind. That I don’t know if I really ever want to have a relationship again between what he done and then what RC did on top of it. But mostly what I was dealing with that he had done. I don’t know that I want to ever let someone that close to be able to hurt me like that again. I don’t know if I could ever let someone in and that close again even if I wanted to.  I told him that’s why I flinch if he touches me. I’m not doing it I don’t even notice that I do it until he says something. That’s part of why I want out of here so bad and why I don’t want to be around him. I just have a very uneasy felling when I am around him. I am always on edge when around him anymore. It is a very hard feeling to explain

I told him if it was just the him and work thing I may have stayed longer and tried to work it out but with the other I could never do that again.

I would have posted this sooner but something is wrong with my net and I can only get on sometimes. Other times all I can get on  facebook. I did a lot of this from my phone but had to wait until I logged in to fix it and do everything before I posted it. This was last Monday evening 7/15/2013


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