I have been feeling very lonely lately. Well for a while really. It is 3:30am and I can’t sleep. I have a really hard time sleeping. I know part of it is stress and a big part is not having someone here with me. It has been 10 months since everything happen with me and RC. I haven’t talk to anyone or seen anyone since then. I have wanted to but I wasn’t in a place that I could talk to other people or think about a relationship. I wasn’t going to be talking to people when I was pregnant. It just didn’t seem right and to be honest I guess there was a part of me that hoped he would see what he had done and come home. I think to be honest there will always be that little part of me that will wish he would. But at the same time I have to be realistic and know that that isn’t going to happen. He is where ever he is doing what ever he is doing and in the situation he is in and may never get out of it. And even if he did don’t mean anything would ever happen between us.
As much as I want to meet someone new and move on with my life in that area I don’t at the same time. In ways I feel that I just need to forget about being with anyone and just take care of the kids. It seems weird thinking about meeting someone and having the baby. I feel like it makes it look like there is something wrong with me. I’m divorced going through a divorce whatever. And I now have a baby by some one who isn’t in the picture. I feel people look at me and think they didn’t want her we don’t. Or people look at me and think that I just jump from guy to guy and it really isn’t like that. I really wasn’t looking to get into a relationship when I met RC. I wanted someone to talk to to hang out with do things with to get to know and and just see over time where things went. I never intended to have the feelings I had for him like I did or when I did. I should have still waited a while longer before we got into such a relationship. But I really did love him. I have had a few people say oh you just fell for him because of being in the relationship with ex so long and him not being there for you and treating you how he should have and being lonely. But that really wasn’t it at all. If that was it I could have went with any number of people. I had a lot of guys talking to me and wanting to get together go out and things. But I just wasn’t people I wanted to be with some of them I knew very well some of them I just knew from here and there didn’t know a lot about. I did talk to one guy a little bit. It was just different with RC. There was just something there we just really hit it off from the first time we talked.
I know I could just take care of the kids and forget about moving on with that part of my life until they are older or what. But I really don’t want to do that and the kids even talk all the time about wanting mommy to find someone nice and be happy. Not that I’m not now they know I am but like being here with ex and things the way they are. They know I don’t like it here and it isn’t a good situation. They even talk about daddy and wanting daddy to find someone new to be with so he isn’t alone and things. They know that you don’t have to have some one to be happy but it is nice to have someone. I also know that I know the truth about why I am in the situation that I am in and that I shouldn’t worry about what others think or say so much and really don’t most the time. But for some reason it just really bothers me when it comes to this. Then I think also who is going to be want to be with someone who has 4 kids already? If they do then they are probably going to have kids too and then you have the whole kids getting to know the other kids and getting close to not only who ever your with but to their kids. As if dating/relationships weren’t hard enough you throw kids into the mix and forget it. You take it to two new levels it seems. I am not ok with bring my kids into the picture to meet someone new as early as I did with RC. I think at this point we would have to have been talking for a long time before I would consider a relationship and then still be in a relationship for a while before I would really want to involve the kids. What are guys going to think if you don’t want them to meet your kids and things. I got to think about my little bitty too and the fact of her not having RC around. I don’t want to get into something with someone and have her get close to them and have something happen either. I’m not looking for a dad for her she has a dad he needs to stand up and be a dad to her. But just like with the other kids I don’t want them to get close to someone again like they did with RC and then have something happen. But I think that with things the way they are with her it would be harder or worse for her. I don’t want to do that to her or any of the kids.
Sometimes I feel like I over think it all and I do really think about anything that I go to do and go over everything and try to think about every little thing. But again I am not as bad about it with other things as I am this. This area of my life I just think of everything and anything and then some. I think really I want to have that relationship so bad and want to be with someone to have the closeness the companionship the friendship the someone to talk to someone to do things with to care about to care about me and to just have that bond or whatever you want to call it with. But I am so scared of getting hurt again myself rather it be right a way a few months down the road or years down the road like it was with ex. I just don’t want to be hurt and go through all that again. I don’t know how I would be if I had that happen again.
I don’t know how to get past and over what I went through with them. I can forgive but I don’t forget I can’t forget as much as I would like to and I try. I can’t forget the hurt that I feel I can’t forget the way I feel about myself and the way that I second guess everything because of the way I feel. I guess I just feel very insecure and very vulnerable. I never felt that way when thinking about relationships. Ex has said and done somethings that should have never been said or done. RC never really said anything he said one stupid thing that has stuck with me I think about it daily I guess probably because ex has said it or maybe not that but along the same lines. That I can’t be loved. RC told me that and ex tells me all the time and did before all that is wrong with me and not that things didn’t work out with me and RC it is worse. He tells me all the time what is wrong with me. He tells me that’s why he don’t want me and probably RC don’t want me either. I really never done anything to either one of them. If I am so horrible then why is it that EX still begs me to give him another chance? If I am that bad of a person why dose he want to be with me so bad? And RC he don’t know nothing about what went on between me and him. Things were really good between me and him. He has told me over and over that I didn’t do anything wrong and how sorry he was and how good I treated him and how he let someone else come in and come between us. He let her get in his head and talk him into doing all this. But when you hear it all the time it still gets to you even when you know different and you know the truth. I try to tell myself that but it don’t work. I know that I am not perfect but when it comes to relationships I don’t play and I take them very serious and I give it my all and really open myself up and let people in. To be hurt the way I have by the last two people who I cared so much about really messes with you.
The things they say are bad enough. But then if you are with someone who dose something bad enough it breaks the whole foundation that is and was your relationship to the point of never being able to go back and not having any feelings for them really does something to do you too. You feel that if someone who you had so much with for so many years who isn’t supposed to hurt you who isn’t supposed to treat you bad and who should protect you no matter what the relationship is like. When they hurt you to the core and like that it makes you scared to get so close to someone again and scared of being hurt again so badly. Because if they could do it so easily and see no problem with it why would anyone else have a problem with doing the something it’s not like they even have that kind of relationship with you.