You know I was sitting here thinking about it tonight and in all the years that me and ex were together if anything major happened or needed done I was always the one to take care of it or make it happen. If the car broke down I had to tell him what was wrong check with someone to make sure then get the parts and hope he could fix it. If not get someone to fix it. If we needed a car or to replace one I was the one to go find it and deal with the people. He would tag along but he would sit to the side or be over there letting them talk him into something we couldn’t and did’t want to do. I would have to step in and take care of it. If we didn’t have money for the car or the repair or what ever it was I had to figure out how to make it happen. If I said something to him he would say I don’t know or what do you want me to do about it.

Just like when be got our house back in like 2007 we needed to show a bunch of money in the bank, have papers signed by friends or family, every time we turned something in they would delay it and want something else. He would say we should just stay where we are or maybe we should just rent something. We couldn’t just rent something because of his background and they wanted as much to rent or more than what I would pay to buy. I rent I can’t paint have animals and paying for someone else to have a house. I may as will just take my money and pay for us to own a house and we could do what we wanted to with it. Plus I wasn’t buying it to keep it I was buying it to fix it an sell it. Any way he was no help in getting any of it put together and put through. I had to work and run around and gather everything they wanted up and make sure they had it by the time they wanted it or before. The money my bosses let us borrow. 6 months after we got in the house he lost his job and didn’t work after that for two years. I didn’t say anything my son was having people come to the house and work with him and what he was finding at the time he would pay his check in daycare to work. I lost my sitter right after we moved in the house and had put them in daycare but wasn’t real happy with it. I worked for the next two years and paid all the money back and paid most the bills in the house. He got unemployment for a little bit of time and not very much. I even had to get a car in that time frame and pay it off because mine got totaled and I didn’t get enough to cover buying another one.

It aggravates me because he will sit here today and tell you none of that happen. He helped with it all and the kicker that his parents gave us thousands of dollars to help buy our house that was never paid back. That they didn’t ask for it back they just gave it to us. His parents never gave us anything toward the house. They wouldn’t even sign the paper work that we needed to get into the house and help us with the information we needed. And if they had given the amount of money that we needed to buy our house they would have wanted it back and they did not have the kind of money we needed. They would have had to take out a loan to give it to us and I can promise you they would have never done that. Not then not now not ever. They do not like me they never have and they would never do something like that for him to start with and not with me in the picture and on the property. If we needed money for anything I always was able to go to my dad to get it and then pay him back. But I was always the one to take my check and pay him back. I was always the one to have to ask him if we could borrow it and figure out how to do it and how much we would end up paying back and keep track of what we paid back so we knew how much we had left owed. He never kept track of anything like that or the bills. It was all left up to me to do and take care of even though I worked full time also and had the kids to take care of. I have even gotten jobs to get us money that we needed pregnant and about to pop because even though it wasn’t that much he wasn’t about to ask anyone or try to get help with it. It wasn’t to often that we would need help but sometimes things happen. Me and my dad are very close and we always help each other out with whatever is needed be it money rides anything. If one of us needs it the other has it or can get it we do. Sometimes it wasn’t even stuff that we needed but if I wanted to get the kids something or do something for them and would have to save to get it or wait to get it I could ask my dad and just make him payments.

I never asked him to ask for anything unless we were just in a really bad jam and there really wasn’t any other options but to ask for help. I would never have him ask just for whatever like with my dad. Me and my dad only done that because he would offer and we would do things like that. Plus I helped my dad out a lot with rides and would do his shopping run earns and things for him so he didn’t mind to do things like that for the kids or if we needed it.

I sit and look at how no matter how bad it got I could always find a way to pull us out of it and turn things around and then look at how things are right now. I can’t believe that I can’t seem to make anything work out or happen for me and the kids and now we need it more than we ever have. I feel like I have failed. I feel like I am never going to be able to do anything good for my kids again. I feel horrible that we are living the way that we are and I can’t get us our own place. I feel bad that I haven’t been able to take them anywhere and do anything with them for summer and school starts back in two days. I feel bad that I am scraping to get school stuff for them. My son ask be now instead of can he have this or that at the store do we have the money for this or when you get some money do you think you could buy this for me. It is so embarrassing when he say things like that. He don’t know and he isn’t trying to make me feel bad or look bad. I just have to tell him so much that we can’t get stuff that he is use to it and knows that we probably can’t right now. I don’t know the last time I was able to buy any of them anything. they thought it was great the other day because I let them have $3 to spend at the store. I felt like crud because what can you really get for $3? I had to keep telling him no that is way more than you have I can’t get that today. And all the while thinking I really can’t afford to spend almost $20 but I wanted to give them a little something because I never can.

For years and years even when I was working $15 hours a week and he wasn’t making anything I didn’t get help of any kind. I didn’t go to food banks or places to get help with bills or anything like that. I struggled borrowed and had debt I had to pay back on top of everything else I owed out and did with out. And now it seems that no matter what I do I can’t get help. I called around to shelters when we were homeless to see if they could help me and the kids so I could get out of here and a way from the situation I am in so we didn’t have to live how we had before I left ex. They were full they told me there was nothing they could do to help had no idea where I could get help and my best bet was to get a place how ever we could and to stay with him. Other places would tell me you need to get out and do what you have to for you and your kids but they had no help or idea how I am supposed to do that.

Now I feel like I am in a worse spot than when we first split up. I am really starting to feel like there is no way out we are going to be stuck living like this forever. Every day I think about it it just makes me more and more depressed. I am just so tired and wore out. I am tired of fighting and struggling. I want just for once something good to happen to me and the kids. I have so many ideas and dreams but it seems that if you aren’t banking and got the money you can’t do anything but dream and wish. I told my friend tonight I can see why people do the things they do sometimes. This last 10 months or so has really open my eyes to a lot of things. It has been very humbling to say the least. I told her between ex and RC and the way they are doing, not getting a break ever not having money to ever get a break if I had the chance, losing everything that means anything to me just to try to stay a float here, and not being able to have anything or really do anything for my kids. I am just ready to walk out leave and go stay in my truck and be done with it all. She said I had the kids. I told her they could stay here ex could figure out how to do it all and handle it for a change since I have all these years why he didn’t. She said I couldn’t leave the baby she wasn’t his I told her her dad could come and get her and take care of her too since he has done nothing for her in 4 months she has been alive and don’t bother to help me or make sure she has what she needs. Let them see what it is really like to really have to do it all and not have help.

Don’t get me wrong I love my kids I love my kids more than anything in this world and want them. But I want to be able to provide for them and give them the things they need and some of the things they would like to have. I would like for once to be able to go get a job and not have to worry about needing a baby sitter or if the kids have been feed or if they have clean clothes for school and homework is done and showers taken and getting up in the middle of the night with a unhappy baby and not having any sleep. For once I would like to be able to just go do what I need to do for me and my kids and not have to fight and worry about them like these guys do. And I am not talking about getting a way from them so I can go out and party or meet guys or have a good time or to just be a way from there. I really do mean I would just like to have the time and be able to get everything in place and in order so that I can take them and I can be a better mom to them. I can be there to help with their homework make sure baths are taken they have clean clothes they have dinner their lunch is packed they get to and from school they have things they need or want they get to and from the things they have after school. They have a nice home with room not all piled in a little bitty place that we are tripping over each other and our stuff all the time. They think you are wrong for feeling that way and wanting that time and thinking that their dads should have to step up and do it for a little bit. I know it is all wishful thinking because I know that my ex couldn’t do it on his own there is no way he could handle it. My kids would not be happy they would not be treated good and he wouldn’t watch them as they needed to be. He would let any body and every body watch them so he could go to work and have a break. As long as he knew them would be good enough it wouldn’t matter what they were like or if they should be watching kids or not. RC he could do it and he could do a really good job and would care and take care of her like I do. But he can’t I couldn’t let her even go over there with him and stay right now just for me to be able to go to work and then pick her up after because of the girlfriend that he has. I know that my baby girl wouldn’t be safe and that she don’t want her around. I know that is why he isn’t around and don’t have anything to do with her right now. Be cause he knows that she shouldn’t be around her. But then he needs to also man up and do what he has to do so that he can be in his daughters life not just ignore her like she don’t ex site. But he has to much going on and I don’t know if he ever will get straight and fix the messes he has mad.

I don’t know Times I think that there is nothing wrong with wanting them to step up and help so that we can get on our feet and be better off. Seeing as these are their kids to and you would think they would want to see their kids happy and in the best possible situation they can be in instead of just getting through a day to wake up and get through another like we all are now. Then after talking to other people and bringing it up they make me feel like I am wrong for thinking that they should and that there is something wrong with me for thinking they should. Like there is something wrong with me because I can’t just do it all and make it happen anymore like I use too. But things have changed a lot since then I have two more kids than what I had back then. I don’t have kids that are old enough to watch the others like most of my friends. Because I didn’t have kids as young as they did.  A lot of them had kids in high school or just out of high school and I didn’t have my first until I was like 22. I waited until I got married and things. Look where it got me. Go figure the ones that had their young seem to be better off than me. I just don’t understand. I say all the time I don’t know what I did in the first 29/30 years of my life to have the last 3 to 4 be so bad. If I knew I would sure do my best to fix it.

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