{August 10, 2013}   Why Is It

Why is it that these guys can have these kids and do whatever they fucking please and walk a way and never think twice about it. Or be there when they want to and screw off and fuck around when they don’t and no one thinks twice or says a word about it? But when you are fighting your ass off to do right by your kids and find a job and take care of them 24/7 everyone looks at you like your such a horrible person because you expect a little help from them once in a while or at least for them to fucking man up and do what they should be at the least for their kids.

They have these kids and they walk off and go on with their life. They are free to come and go as they please and feel. They get whatever job they want and never bat and eye because they don’t have to worry about them getting to school or daycare or even freaken paying for daycare. They just walk off and leave it for you to take care of. Why you fight to get a job to even make enough to pay daycare and maybe bring something home in a week if your lucky. If you do find a job that pays it also has to have hours that allows you to get said children up and shipped off to two different schools and 2 more to said daycare. Then in the afternoon you have to be there to get said children off the bus and be with them or now make enough to pay daycare for them too. That would be find if you could make enough to pay daycare but then you still have the one who daycare dose not pick up from their school and the bus drops them at the end of the street on their own to far to walk home and at 8 don’t need to be walking the side of the busy high way home with a disability I may ad. then when they get home who is here to great them and make sure they are ok until you get home. More money out of your already disappearing check.

But people who haven’t been there and had to do it just don’t get it and look at you like you just want to complain or play poor me. No I am not trying to play the poor me card or that you just don’t want to work. I love the ones that say there is always a way. Yeah well i would like you to show me because I have no family around here that helps with anything. The only time I hear from them is when they want or need help with something. I have very few friends that I talk to and they know the spot I am in and even though they don’t work don’t have to and are home with their kids they don’t offer to help out or if they do it is with the baby because she is the easiest to deal with they just plop her down and give her some toys or put her to bed. Only thing she dose is eat and sleep pretty much. They are not use to dealing with boys and just don’t want to deal with other kids.

Now ex got this new job he is on call 24/7. I was looking for a night job and had picked up baby sitting in the day time. But that is out of the question now because I can’t leave at night with out having someone here all night until I get back in case he has to leave. Or find someone to be on call all night in case he has to leave. Then he has to get up and go right now and get on the road if he isn’t in the truck and gone with in 5 or 10 minutes they get mad and he risk losing the job. I don’t have anyone close enough to be able to do that. and not be ready at the drop of the hat 24/7 and not get paid for it. Even when he goes out he may make $10 for that one call. He see’s nothing wrong with the situation the way it is. It is no big deal to him it isn’t him the one that has to worry about it or not able to work because of it. I say something about it he says well what do you want me to do about it.

He is such a fucking ass whole he was sitting here today laughing about stopping the divorce. Then says I really wasn’t trying to. You think I would do that. Everyone wants to look at me and say shit and give me looks and talk to me. No i didn’t plan to have 4 kids and live this way. It I’m not the one who decided they didn’t want to be married after 5 fucking years why I worked and took care of him for 2 fucking years why he didn’t work and everything else. I didn’t say anything I worked and went to school and did what I had to to take care of our family. Little did I know he could careless and wasn’t going to be around in a little bit anyway.

And I am not the one who don’t even have my kids or anything else now because I through everything a way because of drugs.

But I am the one that everyone looks down on because I am a struggling single mom with 4 kids. I’m the one who gets the stares the comments and everything else. Why they all walk the fuck around with their heads in their ass doing what they want when they want with out a fucking care in the world. They don’t even offer to call and see how their kids are doing for month. They wouldn’t even know if something happen to one of them and no one called them. Not that they care or they would be calling to start with. Done with my rant.

{August 9, 2013}   Kool-Aid Play Dough




Today I made play dough for the kids to play with. It is very simple to make and comes out soft and really feels like play dough. The bags are what you get if you cut the recipe in half and make it. the cans in the back have twice as much as the bags.

1 cup of flour

1 cup boiling water

1/2 cup salt

3 TBS oil ( vegetable, cooking I would say you could even use baby oil probably and it would smell better)

1 package kool aid

I used a glass bowl a fork and serving spoon

if you are going to make a bunch of different colors like I did I suggest putting a big pan of water on to boil you need more than what you plan to use in the pan. I just sat my bowl on the stove with the water on the back burner and mixed it all right there. just dipped what I needed out as I needed it. You want it to be boiling so it works best you don’t want to boil it and then let it sit as you mix each one.

First in the bowl mix flour, salt, kool aid, oil.

( don’t forget to put your oil in before you start mixing. as it is very hard to get it to mix in once you have started.)

Then ad one cup boiling water mix with fork until water is gone and you have dough forming. Once I had all the water mixed in I took it out of the bowl and knee-ed it with my hands. I used the spoon to get what was stuck in the the corner of the bowl out and what was stuck to the bottom and sides. then knee all together and put in zip lock baggie or some kind of sealed container.

Once I was done with one color I just rinsed the bowl out made sure nothing was left in so colors didn’t mix and repeated to make the next color.

To make half just cut everything in half but still use one package of kool aid. if you wanted to make more I am sure you should be able to double this with no problems it seems to be very versatile i would use two packs of cool aid if I doubled it.



You will need ——
Toiletpapper roll
1 yellow piece of foam 5 x7 size
1 blue piece of foam 5 x7 size
1to 2 black pipecleaner. Or color you prefure
1 yellow pipecleaner other color if you want.
2 large papper clips optinal
1 to 2 googly eyes


Take you yellow foam and fold in half long ways. Wrap around top half of roll. It will over lap in back just a little and should come half way down the roll. If it does cut foam piece in half long fold. If it dont un fold a little until it does. Then cut in half.

Repeat same with blue foam around bottom half.
Now glue the foam pieces around roll. If it wont stay you can use the big papper clips to hold them in place til glue dries.

Next take your yellow pippecleaner and wrap it around from back in the middle so you have arms. Fold in half so arms are not so long and a little thicker. Put glue around middle wrap arms back around. Twist ends of arms together in front. This will hold until back and sides dry.

Decide if you want 1 or two googly eyes and what size. For two eyes use your 2 black pipecleaner twist the ends of the two together. Now make the two circles for the eyes. Wrap ends of pipecleaner around to back around both sides and twist together tight. Cut left over ends off.

If doing one eye you should be able to do the aame but with one pipecleaner.

Now glue your googly eyes or eye into the circles.

Let sit until glue is dry remove paper clips untwist arms in front and you have a minion. You can draw a mouth on with a black sharpy and use something to ad hair.


Share your minions you make below.

{August 6, 2013}   To Depressed To Write

I think I have just been to depressed to write the last few days. There isn’t anything good to write about I’m tired of all the negative and bad. It seems that every time I think we are going to get out of the hole we are in and get a little ahead something else happens and we are worse than we started. Everything just keeps pushing me and the kids getting out own place farther and farther a way. It almost seems like it isn’t ever going to be an option for us. Every day that I live the way we are now I get more and more depressed and discouraged. I have applied and applied for jobs I call to check go into check and they say they will call if they are interested in talking to me or they had a ton of people apply it is filled.  I know it is because I haven’t worked I have been home with my kids for the last 3 1/2 years. I also think that when they see my last job they don’t call me a lot of times either. So many people have the wrong idea about people who do it. I know they do because I had people sit right at my desk all the time and tell me just that. Oh this isn’t how we expected it to be and you all aren’t what we expected to meet when we came in and things. If our own clients felt that way and thought that way I know others do too and aren’t going to think twice about hiring me.

Now I had just enough money to pay the rent but still needed to pay on my water and a few other things and have gas for the week to take care of the little girl I watch. Well they came today and knocked on the door wanting money for the gas bill. We just paid some on it less than a week ago. So I had to give them a chunk of the rent money. We aren’t going to get a check for two weeks and then it isn’t going to be a full check only about a half a week because they haven’t called him to work yet. They are still waiting on paper work to go through even though they said he had the job as long as he fixed his license. The lady took off Friday so she didn’t do it and we didn’t hear anything back today. He has to call or go in tomorrow and talk to them see what they say. hope if he calls them early he can start tomorrow.

I have had to pawn stuff to just get by the last few months we have had to take out pay day loans. The stuff in pawn is killing us because every month we are making payments on it that could be going to other stuff. But we don’t have the money to get it out so if we don’t make the payment we lose it. I don’t have a lot but what little I do have means a lot it was given to me by my grandpa who passed a way or my dad. One piece is my daughters and I can’t afford to ever replace it if it goes out for sale. I just want to cry. I have nothing to sell in my house other than our beds. When I lost my house in December I got rid of and gave a way just about everything and any thing we owned but our personal stuff.

The only thing I have to sell is a ton of baby clothes I have clothes for a little boy from like nb to 12 months. shoes bibs hats sleepers outfits everything socks. I kept it when I found out I was pregnant but then found out I was having a girl. I have taken some and traded it for stuff for the baby but that is about it. I have tried to list it and sell it online right now but no one wants it the only ones who want it want it for free and complain that you shouldn’t sell clothes because there are other people out there who can’t afford to buy toys and clothes for their kids so you should just give them a way. I was so mad. I normally do just give a way the kids clothes shoes toys and all that that we don’t want use or need anymore. I feel the same way someone else can use it but right now I have nothing about to be homeless again and this is my last chance at getting any money. You know I could see if it was tore up trashed stained up or what and I was trying to sell it to but a lot of it has never been wore it is brand new. what has been was wore maybe one or twice. stuff that was a little older I priced a lot cheaper because it was used but still very nice. It just really got to me when the person said all that they did.

You know I have school starting back in less than two weeks and i have not been able to buy my kids the first thing for school clothes. My daughter is good on clothes for school but my poor son needs school uniforms and regular clothes. He has grew a lot this summer. I hate it he only has a few things left that fit and don’t look small on him. He said the other day he was saving money to buy him some clothes with. I cried because I feel horrible I feel like I have failed my kids. They deserve so much better.

The last few years have really taken a toll on me I am not use to living this way at all. We have never had a ton of money or had a lot. But I am use to being able to pay the bills and not stress and having money to buy the kids the things that they need with out stressing. I am use to having a full time job and working. I never dreamed 5 years ago that I would be in this shape with three kids and going through a divorce and not able to find work.

Then last night I was looking around on here and at some of my old post and pages. I clicked on my page My Goals and Dreams and was looking at it and I am no where near where I wanted to be by now. With everything that happen last year I figured I would be off by 6 months to a year but never thought I wouldn’t even be able to think about doing any of it but having the baby. She is the only good thing that has happen in the last year. It still bothers me the way things are with her and her dad and that she had to come into such a mess. I feel that I am living some horrible cruel joke or something.

{August 1, 2013}   Pray

I had to come and edit this post because it wasn’t supposed to have been published this morning when it was. I started writing it and kept falling asleep. I meant to save it as a draft but guess I didn’t. I hope now it makes a little more since than it did.


I don’t know what it is but the last few day / week why I have been in this funk I have felt like I need to just stop and pray random times of the day and night about many different random things. A lot of times it would be up in the night and the middle of the night I would be sitting here not able to sleep and I would just have this feeling like I needed to pray. Not just a little quick prayer but really pray and the really weird thing I felt I needed to pray for the kids all of them one at a time. I also felt this feeling that I needed to pray for RC a lot of nights.  This very strong feeling that I needed to pray that i needed to pray right now there with the baby. She would already be asleep and I would just stand there by her little bed and hold her hand or put my hand on her and pray. I did every night for a while each night.

I don’t have a clue where he is or what is going on but I guess someone up stairs must think he needs prayers.

I would lay here on my bed after that and pray for the other kids and things that are going on. I don’t know why or what but maybe something is to come of it all. Even though I didn’t get to sleep until 3 and 4 am sometimes later I felt great in a few hours when I had to get up and start my day.

{August 1, 2013}   New Job More BS

Ex went to see about a job driving a service truck for a station not to far from us. They run the calls for AAA in the area. My friend’s husband knows the people that run and own the station really good he text last night and said to go talk to them first thing today at 11. He filled the app out and talked to the guy for a long time. He came home they said they were going to run everything and call him back. He knew he pretty much had the job as long as his background went through. They called him later and said that they couldn’t hire him because his drivers license is suspended. Of-course when he hung up he started having a fit about that and why it was and everything. Then it was my fault that they were. I had nothing to do with it.

When I was with RC me and him still had our insurance together because they wouldn’t let us get two policies even though we were not living together and going through a divorce. I just gave him so much a month out of my support to pay it. RC kept telling me to get it fixed and get my own or to let me put me on his. I said I was going to but just hadn’t done it. I was waiting for us to get moved to see what bills and things looked like for us. I didn’t want it to cost us more in the long run to take me off and put me on my own or on his. He kept saying he wasn’t going to pay it and I was going to lose my license and things. I wasn’t to worried about it because he knew he had to have it to keep his and he always made sure it got paid so he could drive. I figured that was the one thing she would keep up. Well when I came back after everything that happen with me and RC and moved back into my house he told me he hadn’t paid it and he had to. He went and paid it said he signed everything to keep it going. Well then in December when I had no money sold my truck to have money and had already spent that he tells me it is about to laps and that he don’t have the money to pay it. I had given him my money then to pay it also. I didn’t have it and he didn’t do anything about it and it ended up lapsing. My tag was dead too but I couldn’t get it with out insurance so I couldn’t get that in December when it came up.   I drove around until the end of March with no tag or insurance because I had to get tax money to fix everything. It took him forever to give me the stuff to file the taxes even. I got insurance a few days before I had the baby and then got the tag some time after I had her.

Well when we got the insurance we had to go to a different company because I said I am done I am not having a  policy with you because you don’t do what you are supposed to do. I was paying up for the year too. I didn’t want to be responsible for any accidents he may have or let someone else take his car and have either. The company we have been with for 10 years refused to write us a policy with out us being on it together. I told them no we were getting a divorce and they said until we were they had to write it together you couldn’t get one apart. I told him I knew you could that I knew other people who were married and who had their own. He said well they don’t use us. I said I guess I don’t anymore either if you can’t do that. If you would rather lose two customers than write us policies that fine and got up and left. He had already made me mad because we had to go get something out of the cars and my daughter said he was in there running his mouth and talking about me and us wanting two policies why we were out side. I guess he didn’t know who she was or thought they weren’t listing.

Well they did everything at the other company and took our money wrote us both or own policies and let us go. Well he never said that ex’s licences was suspended either. My understanding is that they are not supposed to write you a policy if you are the only one on it if you don’t have a license. If you don’t have a licences and you have a accident it is your fault no matter what happen. They say if you don’t have licences you are at fault because you shouldn’t have been on the road. I know his policy would have tried not to pay but they would have had to either pay and explain why he wrote it that way or give him his money back. I told him he needs to go down there and ask them why they did it that way and tell them he wanted his money back. Thank god he hasn’t been pulled over driving. He drives my truck once in a while. If that happen and he was in my truck I would be mad. I don’t like him to drive it so I don’t let him to often.

But he tried to tell me that I never paid him or paid him when I felt like it and months I didn’t i just didn’t pay it. I told him he better wait right there and that I did pay it and he knew it and i had others who knew the truth also. As everything else I’m a lair and blah blah blah. Then sit here and go what am I going to do where can I get the money how do I work this all out so I can get this job. I said I don’t know i have nothing else I am losing all my stuff now so don’t look at me. I am done cleaning up your messes you made. Thank god they didn’t hit mine. He has told so many lies about it and why it was that way today it is unreal.  He ended up calling his grandma who he never talks to. To tell her something then tells her all about it because he knew she would give him the money. I had to take him over to get that. I wasn’t happy about that. But I done it because he has to have this job. I am over all the BS with everything that needs to be done around here when he is here because of the way he does things. I say all the time when he is with us it is like a circus. I can go out with me and 5 kids 3 are 3 and under and not get looked at and talked about like I do if I go out with him and 4 kids. He is worse than the kids.

et cetera
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