So Silent But Yet So Noisy

Everyone’s in bed have been for hours now but here I am still awake unable to sleep. The house is so quite but yet it seems so loud with all the thoughts echoing in my head. Nothing particulate just random thoughts about everything. Mostly whats going on now and the last year. Another one of them nights where he (RC) has been on my mind a lot for some unknown reason. I try not to think about him and to go to sleep or do other things but every time I find myself lost in my head thinking about something that has to do with him. I had that overwhelming feeling to pray for him again a little bit ago. I still don’t know what that’s about or why I get it. I just do. I did it I have this one person who really don’t know what is going on or what has happened keep telling me at different times when I see them here and there that something is going to happen in that area. I don’t know maybe that’s why I keep feeling like I need to pray for him. Really that’s all I can do at this point. I think that’s about all anyone can do anymore. I keep thinking about the kids and how I miss them and wish they could know their sister. I keep thinking about the fun times we had and how much I really loved them and him. I keep thinking about the things that were done and said. The things I should have done and said that I didn’t. I have never really had regrets until the last year and now i have so many.

I go back and forth I want to be mad at him, I want to not want him to come, I want to have him just stay gone and out of the picture and leave us alone. But I can say I’m really not mad at him I can’t be mad at him even if I try. I am angry with him sometimes because of not being here. But when it really comes down to it I feel sorry for him. All that he has lost all that he is has went through and probably still going through. I think to myself look at everything that has happened look at what he did to you and your kids not just my 4 but all 6 of them. But then I think look at where he comes from look at what he has gotten into with this gf and the fact that there are pills involved. I know I know that is not an excuse for any of it and that I shouldn’t be making them for him. But I just know the person I met the person I had such a great relationship with wouldn’t do this if it wasn’t for something else involved. He wouldn’t just wake up one day and decide that he didn’t want his family his kids and his baby that was on the way. Then I try to tell myself that it was all a show that wasn’t the real him and that this is the real him and I just can’t bring myself to believe it. I just don’t feel that it was a show it wasn’t the real him. I feel this now isn’t the real him. I truly don’t feel deep down that it wasn’t the real him when we got together.

The more I think about it I think he had a problem with the pills before we meet but was trying to clean up and get a way from them. He had just went through everything with his ex and having DCF involved and getting custody of his kids. He had gotten them a place to live out of the house they were in to be a way from her and have a better place. He sold his truck to get them the things they needed and seem to really be trying to do right by them. I think he did good for a little while but just slowly drifted back into them. He knows I don’t do them or any kind of other drugs and that I don’t want to be around it or have it around the kids. I think he didn’t know how to tell me and was afraid that if he did tell me I would be mad and leave. I think that is why he did what he did get out first before he got hurt because I left. I think that he was afraid I wouldn’t understand. I really I would have understood I would have tried to work with him to help him get help and get off them if that is what he wanted. I wouldn’t have just gotten mad and left or freaked out. I wouldn’t put up with it and I wouldn’t condone it but I wouldn’t have left I would have tried to help him if that is what he wanted. I think that when he went up there she probably is in to the same kind of things and it was just easier to go where you didn’t have to worry about someone being mad or hurting someone. Once he got her here and seen what it was really like and all about he not only had the problem but then had the problem of having her here having his daughter in the mix and not only not telling me the truth from the start but then doing everything he did the way he did. He figured he just really screwed himself and does feel like he is getting what he deserves.

Something I said to him the other week in a text keeps coming back up and bothering me. I feel horrible for saying it but I was mad at the time that he hung up on me. I was mad because he had no clue what was going on and if something was wrong or not. And I said something that even though what he has done and was doing and the things he has said I shouldn’t have ever said. I am mad at myself for stooping so low and to such a level that I would do one of my biggest no no’s and pet peeves. I know it will probably come back to bite me in the ass but what can I do about it now? Nothing really. I feel like an ass for even feeling bad for saying it or whatever. But I do. I took something he told me and used it against him. Not so much to hurt him but to piss him off and try to get him to to say something. To at least get him to think about things and what he is doing. But I should have never done that and going about it that way isn’t going to help anything. It is just going to make things worse. That is such a big pet peeve with me. You don’t take something someone tells you and use it like that weather you are trying to hurt them or just make them think it’s just something you don’t do no matter what they are doing or have done. So many people do but that just isn’t me. But of course I have said done and feel a lot of things going through this that just aren’t me.

I found myself thinking about my relationship, well marriage to father of the year  and my relationship with RC. I keep thinking about how differently I feel about each and how different they both were. And how I feel that what happen with me and father of the year was out of my hands and that I did all that I could to keep us together and not get a divorce. And how I have no desire to get back together or try to work it out with him what so ever. I wish that he wasn’t in the picture at all much less having to see him everyday. But then I wish the other was in the picture and can see where we both could have done things different and that I should have done a few things different even there at the end before and after I left. How I should be mad at RC for all that he did and has done but I’m not and I feel the way I do about it all. But I think it all comes down to the fact that With me and father of the year we had problems for years and this wasn’t the first time I had told him I was going to leave. Things got a little better for a little bit but never really were 100% better after that. And the fact that he calls himself helping me even now but he really isn’t it is all a show to make me look like the bad guy yet again or still. See I’m helping her but she still don’t want to work it out or get back together. When really he hasn’t done anything he said he was going to since we got this place and he has made it impossible for me to get a job and refused to even come home to be with the kids when he could so that I could get one. Where with me and RC things were good we had a few little things we were working on but over all between us and our relationship there really wasn’t any problems. And it was just a cut and dry this is it and this that and the other all happened there in a day or two span and it was done. It wasn’t like multiple things happened and we talked about it and tried and tried to work it out or he would say it was going to be different and it never was. It really was the stuff that happen that few day span that was the worst things that happen between us. I just don’t see how still that it went that way even though I know how and why. It just still seems unreal. I still feel like I am in a bad dream and can’t wake up. I really don’t know any other way to explain it anymore.

I even keep thinking about the things he said to me that night and the next few days when this was going on. And I just think he didn’t really mean it and that wasn’t really him if things weren’t going on with him that were he wouldn’t have ever said them things to you. Making more excuse. Everyone when we talk I say he is just sick and he is going through depression and he is what ever say yeah buy and you got to stop and your way nicer than. Really I’m not anyone else I wouldn’t feel this way and wouldn’t say the things I have or offered the help I have or anything else. Anyone else I would be so upset angry and mad at. Anyone else I would write off and move on. But for whatever reason I can’t with him. I think you know they are right he is under his own free will to do whatever he wants and he is picking to do this that and the other. But then the he is going through this and that comes back up. I don’t know maybe because like he said we are so much alike it is scary and I really do see and understand what is going on and things. I have been through the depression and the abuse and things like he is dealing with with her. Maybe I just understand it to much to be able to be mad at him.

You know it isn’t even that I want to get back together with him anymore or that I think that would ever be an option. Everyone says oh you still want to get back together or you still love him or what. But since I have had the baby and in almost 6 months he hasn’t called or tried to see her more than that one time. I can’t say I do want to get back with him or that I would even consider it. I know it is all because of her and what he is going through and all that is going on like I have said. But I still can’t say I feel the same about him as I did. I don’t know if I would if he did come back around. I just wish he would be a part of his our daughters life and be a dad to her. Because when he is straight and wants to be he really is a good dad and a caring dad. I won’t lie I do still love him I can’t say that I am in love with him anymore.

I keep thinking about the things we talked about the plans we made where we would be right now if we were still together. The plans I made the things I wanted to do for him and us and our family if we were still together right now. I wonder how things would be for us and all the kids if we were and how much better off we would all be and happier probably. I really would have married him probably in a few years if not sooner. I was going to have the baby and lose the baby wieght and go have them pictures taken for him for his birthday. His farther in law had this motor cycle he was wanting to sell. He really liked it and wanted it but just couldn’t get it with things being so tight and trying to move and catch up on bills and things. I had decided I was going to go talk to him about it once we got moved and I got tax money. I was going to see if I could give him so much on it and then make payments on it until we got him paid off. I could have done it because I was going to get a job and things. I was going to make the payments out of my check not his. I never told him any of it because I wanted to surprise him. Look who got surprised. I wonder what he would say if he knew what all I had planed and how much I really did care about our family. Not just our family but him. He use to always make comments about us and how I felt about him and why I was with him and things. How he didn’t know why I was with him and stuff. He always felt he wasn’t good enough or never did good enough at whatever it was he was doing. He always wanted to know what others thought about whatever it was and how they liked it.

I don’t know why this stuff comes up or why I go over and over it in my head like it’s a broken record that just keeps repeating and repeating in my head. Like its waiting on me to figure something out or I’m missing something or there is something I am supposed to do or something is going to happen. Whatever it is I just wish it would hurry up and happen or show it’s self or I would figure it out or it would just stop happening. I feel like since all this happen I’m stuck in this spot because I haven’t done something or I am waiting on something. Whatever I am supposed to do or learn or whatever the case maybe may have to slap me in the face and spell it out because I’m just not getting it this time.

I am going to go and try to get that last two hours of sleep there is to be gotten before I have to get up and start my day. I can’t believe it is already 4 am. I feel like it should be about 8 or 9. I am sure I will pay for it tomorrow once I get the kids to school and the other one picked up and home. I think there is a coffee pot with my name on it.

Sally & Angel

So after our poor big bunny got injured and we had to give him up I got to thinking the kids did really good with him and taking care of him and his cage. They even helped out more around the house it got them up and doing something besides tv. I decided I wanted to get them another pet but not a bunny this time. I wanted something a little more friendly and playful for them. We researched it and decided that guinea pig or ferret seemed like our best bet. The thing about these two animals are they do better together so you really should get two or more. But two is probably good enough. And you can get just one but it may need more attention from you.

The more I thought about the two and compared them to each other and the rabbit the more the ferret seemed like the better pick of the bunch. The rabbit and guinea pig you have all the bedding and things in the bottom of the cage to clean up they throw it every where. They use the bathroom in it and walk around in it all the time and it is being kicked out of the cage with the bedding. Even cleaning the cage twice a day it still just seemed like a lot to keep up with. I like that the ferrets you can just put a litter box in the cage give them a couple hammocks in there for them to sleep in food water and toys. Give them a towel or something like that also. I know they will get the little all in the cage and the food but I think it is easier to take a little broom or something and sweep it up. Or pull the tray out and wash it in the hose quick outside. I think that Ferrets are friendlier and more playful as well. I talked to the kids about it and had them do some research as well as to how to take care of each how to feed them what kind of cages toys and things like that they needed for each one. They decided that ferrets would be good also.

I decided to get my son one for his birthday that;’s in a few weeks. We have gotten one of our dogs from the shelter and the other we got from a friends litter of pups to keep them from going to the shelter. I decided I would try to find one that needed a new home instead of buying a “new” one or whatever you want to call it from the pet store. Everyone I found was gone by the time I found it even if it was just listed a hour or so before. I decided to put a ad on craigslist looking for one. I told my daughter I would get her one in January for her birthday if she wanted one. Unless I just found two together then I would take them both.

I posted my ad and it was there a little while and someone finally contacted me about two girls she had that are about 15 months old. I wanted them for this past Sunday because I was going to do the boys party then. It would be a week after the little ones a week before the older ones. But then I had three sick kids. But she sent me a text about a week or week and a half before. She said that she had a baby her son was in high school and her husband worked all the time so she wanted to give them to a home that would play with them and take care of them like they needed to be. she was the only one cleaning and taking care of them and she just couldn’t do it anymore. She sent me a picture of everything ferret1

I asked her about the cage they were in. I have everything that is needed to get one cage bedding toys everything because I found one someone had for sale that they only used a month. I grabbed it because it was a nice cage and all the stuff was a good deal. But she had the cage I told the kids I would buy them next year if they took really good care of them and we kept them. She said she didn’t want any money for them just a really good home and someone who knew about them and would play with them. My dad had them when we were growing up so I know some about them and have done a lot of research on them. I asked her about the cage. I told her I would be interested in it if she didn’t have other plans for it and wanted to sell it. She said she was going to try and just let it go with the ferrets because she felt they should stay in their “home” and things. She later text me back and said that her husband and son didn’t really want to get rid of them. She wanted to let it sit for a few days and talk to them about it some more. I told her that I didn’t really have to have them right a way I would like to get them the day of the party so to just let me know. I didn’t hear anymore back for a while. Then last Wednesday she contacted me and said if I wanted them they were going for sure so i could come get them. I took my son over with me to see them and pick them up. He fell in love with them as soon as he seen them. But then I couldn’t take them because the cage was bigger than I thought. i had to put both seats in the truck down and I had three of the kids with me I couldn’t do it. He got so upset and thought we weren’t getting them.

She held them and we went and picked them up Friday. I couldn’t get them until 730pm and then had to bring them home and take the cage all apart and clean it before I could bring it in. It was so dirty I don’t know the last time she cleaned it was. You can see the toys in the picture above where even dirty. Some of the stuff I took out got rid of and gave them other stuff it was so gross.  This is after we cleaned it and got it inside. My big dog watches them and tries to get them through the cage sometimes. I have to watch her trying to teach her she can’t eat them because she sure wants too.

ferret7

 

My little dog on the other hand is so scared of them it isn’t funny. He went to the temporary cage we had them in looked sniffed and ran behind my legs and peeked out around at them. If they are out or the door is open he will come up try to smell them and then run a way if they look at him or try to smell him.

ferret2

We haven’t been home as I had planed with helping my mom move but they are getting use to them. The one my daughter ended up with is feisty it will bite and hard. I know she is trying to play but I don’t think she was handled as much or they just haven’t been handled in a while. I am going to have to work with her so she is friendlier. But they are so cute and fun to watch in their cage when they play and things.

This is my oldest son’s her name is Sally. No idea where that name came from but hey ferret5He said he wanted a silver and black one and a boy. I got silver and black. Boy maybe next time.

This one is my oldest daughters her name is Angel ferret6

Sometimes they will sleep together. ferret3

If you don’t know Ferrets are related to the cat. They are much like kittens they love to play and you can train them to use a liter box. You can now buy ferret food for them but if you can’t find it in your area a very good brand of cat food high in protein can be used. They are meat eaters but can be given pellets and things if you start them on that and not meat.

We Are The Outcast

I hate father of the year I really do and I had moved past having any feelings for him for so long. I hate that I hate him I liked not feeling anything toward him at all and just the indefrent feeling I had toward him. I felt better when I felt indifferent toward him. I think it is because my hate for him makes me not want to be around him and makes him being around unbearable. But he has done so much to me and my kids in the last year it is hard to feel anything other than hate. I don’t like the word hate I don’t allow my kids to use the word hate and wish there was some other word to use but that is just how I feel. Mostly for what he has done to my kids what my kids are going through and the problems he has caused. He will tell you different and tell you why it is everyone else fault but his and how he did nothing wrong.

My son wanted nothing more than to move here and make friends with kids in the the neighborhood. Not to much for a 8 year old little boy to expect to be able to do. Nothing he shouldn’t be able to do. Unless he has his father. One of the first nights we moved in we had a trailer we rented to get our beds here until we could bring other stuff. We just needed beds so that we could stop staying with other people the kids could be in school like they needed to be. The way my truck sits and the way the driveway is I couldn’t get the trailer backed up the drive way. I told him to just let me just pull in and park it but nothing do him it was going to be backed in. A task he can’t do if everything is perfect. He knows you have to turn the wheel the opposite way of where you are trying to put the trailer but when he is trying to do it and trying to back it in he just can’t get it together to do it. I won’t lie I have had problems a few times but nothing I couldn’t get out of. Well he was so hell bent that it was going to be where he wanted it and backed in how he wanted it. He unhooked it from the truck and started trying to push it in like he wanted it. Of course loaded and the size trailer it was to big to do that by himself. The guy across the street leaving to go somewhere seen him fighting with it to get it where he wanted it and offered to help. Him being in one of his moods refused and wasn’t very nice about it. So that set the tone from start with them.

They have been here for who knows how long and are friends with the other people around us up and down the street so I am sure they talked. Ad to that the fact that any time he gets mad he stomps around slams around and acts worse than a kid who don’t get their way. With who ever out there to see and hear. Then the time he was in the yard following me to my truck why I was leaving to get a way from him. He proceeded to scream yell and cuss me and tell me what I was. Every thing from a cunt bitch and whore. How I was and the things I did and then turn around and ask me for money before I left and go off again when I told him I wasn’t giving it to him after all that he just said to me. I know I wouldn’t want my kids going to anyone’s house I seen the father acting like that. But my poor son thinks it is him and the kids don’t want to play with him. They pick on him and things because of stuff he did. I know it isn’t because of anything he did he hasn’t been here and hasn’t done anything to anyone or for anyone to not like him. They pick on him because they hear their parents talk and they are told not to come over here and play with them and who knows what else about him or us because of what ex says and does in front of them. I don’t know how to explain it to him that it isn’t really him and things and that it is father of the year’s fault they act the way they do to us. I know if he wasn’t hear and that stuff didn’t happen he probably would have no problem making friends and having kids over. It just sucks that he is the cause of it and lets my son think it is him and swears he has done nothing wrong and that he is just fine. I really do think that his problems are getting worse as time goes on. I don’t know what to think or do. There really isn’t much you can do when they refuse to get help. I just pray that if my son ever finds himself in a spot where his wife and kids are saying there is a problem he listens and gets help before he loses everything like his dad and before he gets worse. I hope that we get things straight and can find somewhere to move so that we don’t have to stay here and there will be kids he will be able to make friends with. If we can’t that I can get ex out of here asap and maybe get on everyone around here’s good side and not have to worry about it. Maybe once they see that ex is gone things will be better since he is the one they see thoroughgoing the fits.

My Divorce Is Not Joke

I am tired of all the comments, remarks, cracks, and jokes everyone keeps making about me and ex. All I hear all the time from everyone is how we should get back together and we need to work things out. Or how I should just give him some how we are going to hook up and end up having another kid together and things. I have told them no it won’t ever happen and they say never say never and all this BS. They act like all the things that has happened between me and him is nothing or no big deal. They know a lot of what went on but they don’t know it all. They act like its funny when I say stuff. The other night I had heard enough of it from a friend of mine. I said I would rather be dead than think that I would have to spend the rest of my life with him. They still just laugh and go on talking about how he is and what he does and things like I’m joking. I told them too you couldn’t pay me no amount of money in this world to be with him. I don’t know what has to happen for them to know I am not joking and that this is nothing I find funny or feel like joking about. I know they really are joking and some really think that we should try to work it out. But when someone is telling you this stuff and they haven’t been together for years and the fact I have the baby by RC. Does that not show them I really mean what I say. And don’t they get that if you have no feelings for someone why would you want to be with them. My mom is the same way it just drives me nuts then on top of it all i have him telling me all the time how he wants another chance and how he wants me and shit. Then he hears them say this shit or joke about it to him it just gives him hope. Then he tells me everyone else thinks we should get back together and stuff. I really don’t want anything to do with him. I want to look at them and scream you think he is so great you get with him. let him do the things he has done to me to you time and time again and let him treat you the way he has me then tell me you want to get back with him. I know for a fact if they had been done the way I have and he done the things he has to me to them they wouldn’t have stayed as long as i did and they wouldn’t have moved back in into the situation I am in with him. They would be homeless and staying with people here there and ever where until they figured something out. But I put my kids first so I suck it up and live with it until I can get us out of the mess. It should tell them something when you flinch because they accidentally touch you. or your on edge all the time when they are around. It just bothers me that it like my feelings and things just don’t seem to matter to anyone. It’s always poor ex or he isn’t really that bad.

You Know What Gets Me

My mom just really gets on my nerves. She never has anything good to say about anything. The other day we were sitting there talking and my daughter was talking about wanting to be a vet. She has wanted to be a vet forever now. I think it is great that she wants to be a vet. She is telling me and my grandma and mom about this and when she gets older. She is telling us how she is going to be a vet and a dog trainer and that she is going to have this big house and all the different rooms in it. She tells us she wants to have 10 kids and that she isn’t going to have a husband. She says she is going to adopt kids she don’t want kids of her own. Again I see nothing wrong with not wanting to have kids of your own and wanting to adopt. There are plenty of kids out there who need a family and home who she can make very happy. I always wanted kids but I also would love to adopt and or do foster care in the future. I know I am done having kids of my own I always wanted 4 and I have my 4.

My mom starts telling her how vets don’t make that much money she won’t make anything being a vet. Tells her she needs to be a investor or broker and things. I said yeah they don’t make much either the way things are today. She says yes they do blah blah blah. I don’t even know because I stopped listening to her she was so nasty about it. I said she wants to be a vet she should be a vet. She should do something she likes doing and enjoys doing she is going to be the one who has to do it every day for most of of her life. I said she could probably be a vet by the time she was 25 at least maybe 21 or so. I am not sure how much schooling a vet has to have. She was like your crazy and you should tell her to be something else and how you think she could do it by then. I said she can come out of high school with a 2 year collage degree if she keeps up like she is with her grades and things. Then she argued with me that no she can’t and they stopped that. Mind you she has no kids in school and hasn’t had in many many years. I have kids in school deal with them all the time and have friends with kids in high school and kids who are finishing and doing it. I told my daughter not to listen to anyone and to do what she wants to do be it a vet or something else.

My grandma and grandpa split up a few months ago. My grandma left because of things that have been going on for many years and she is just done she can’t do it anymore. I don’t blame her and I really am surprised that they have been together as long as they have and that they didn’t split up along time ago. My grandma has always had some kind of dog up until about a year ago. Something happen hers got sick or something they had to do surgery and she didn’t make it out of it. She hadn’t gotten another one yet. Something was said about it the other day and my mom started I thought you said you didn’t want a dog again and that isn’t what you told me. Just went on and on about it even after my grandma said she didn’t. But I know she does you could tell and my grandma got all upset. My grandma has always taken care of her dogs took them to the vets feeds them bath them walks them and things. I don’t think she should get a huge dog but I think she needs a little dog to keep her company and give her something to do. She don’t drive so she don’t go out a lot and things. I couldn’t really say anything because my grandma needs someone to stay with her but she don’t really need someone to take care of her. She just has to have someone to give her her meds and things like that. She is able to cook clean and take care of herself. Just things that have happen and she don’t want to be by herself. So there really isn’t any reason she couldn’t have a dog. If something happen to my grandma and she didn’t want to keep it then she could find it a new home. I am not able to live with her I have the 4 kids I know she loves them and likes being around them but it is a lot for her every day and we just don’t have a place near big enough.

She is in my house staying with me until she can find something or I end up putting her out if she keeps her shit up. I am not going to be disrespected in my house. I won’t put her out but I am about to tell her about it and if she wants to leave that’s fine. The other day her and my daughter come off with this my daughter is going to come live with her and my grandmother when they get a place. I said no your not you are staying right here. Well why and I can go over there and she can take me to school and all this. Now for days she keeps telling me how she wants to go live with granny and when she goes to live with granny. I told her she wasn’t living with no one but me or her dad and it was probably going to be me because her dad can’t keep her with the job he has. But what kind of shit is that. She said something joking about the boys going with her they told her no they were staying with me.

I want to move a way to another state other than where I am now. But first I need to get some things taken care of here and get some money to go. She keeps asking me and saying how they want to move. I told her the other night you have all this money right now to get a place and things why not take it and go why you can. She says I want to but I can’t and leave yall here I won’t ever get to see the kids. We have talked about moving a way a lot in the past and planed to go at tax time or shortly after. I want to stay until May when school gets out. She says you always wait for school to get out then you have your money spent and don’t go. Um no not happened the first time. Every year I get my money and she has some reason she can’t go. I haven’t decided where I want to go so I haven’t went yet. But because she hasn’t done it she blames it on me. It does no good to say anything because she just pitches a fit and tells you how your lieing and all this.

She was asking me again the last few days if I really wanted to go somewhere and stuff. I told her yeah and she was saying we should save all our money between now and the first and take my check the first and go. I told her I have stuff here I have to pay and things to take care of. I told her I also was not going and moving in with ex somewhere again. That once I move this time where ever I go or don’t go I am not moving with him. Well I don’t know what you think your going to do then and you can’t pay the bills here on your own and all this. I told her I am going this week probably to see what papers I need to get my divorce final and to get them fill them out and turn them in. Well I don’t know why you are going to do that and then when you leave here it is going to make it harder I don’t know what all she said then either. I have gotten so good at blocking her out I just do it before I even notice. I have to ask her what she said sometimes when I am trying to see what she is saying. What was I going to do then and what was I accomplishing by doing that. Like I told her I want it done before I leave here because I don’t want to wait 3,4,6 months or even a year before I can file and get it when I get somewhere else. Well what do you plan to do when you do all that. i said I have to get someone to watch the kids and get a job. Good luck with that your not going to be able to afford it and pay the bills here on your own. She said something about all of us moving together somewhere and getting a house til I could get a job and get a place and they could help me watch the kids. How the hell dose she think she is going to watch my kids so I can work when she can’t watch them for me to go out for 30 minutes or a hour or two now. I get up in the mornings leave my house 5 minutes to 7 take the kids to the bus stop and go pick up the girl I watch from her house. I am home before 8. The baby will be in her bed sleeping and 99.99% of the time will stay that way until I get home or after. But I can’t leave her here. I have to wake her up get her ready and take her with me because she might wake up why I am gone. God for bid she might have to change a diaper and give her a bottle. She goes back to sleep. The other weekend when I went out she called her self going to watch her. My grandma and ex ended up doing it. But she can watch them why I work. yeah right.

And telling me you won’t get child support they stopped that and all this. She has no clue how any of that works either it has been 20 some years since she got a divorce from my dad and 10 or more since her and my step dad got divorced. Again she listens to someone else because their kid has done it and it didn’t go the way she wanted because she didn’t get a lawyer and didn’t bother to try to do it her self to get what she wanted. I can’t get a lawyer but I can research it and figure out what I have to do to get it how it needs to be.Plus I already filled out all my paper work and put everything I wanted in them and they approved it last year. I would have gotten everything the way I wanted it if ex hadn’t started ask questions. She keeps telling me I won’t get support and they are going to make us do shared custody and things.

Number 1 my son does not want to live with his dad and won’t do shared custody. With the autism it isn’t good for him to be shuffled back and forth like that. And with the things ex has done that he don’t know I know about and with my son telling his therapist ex don’t have much of a leg to stand on to get full or shared custody. .. Number 2 the way ex’s job is now he can get a call pretty much anytime 24/7 5 out of 7 days a week. He has no one to stay with the kids at the drop of a hat all hours of the day and night so he can run out to a call. He can’t be getting them up all hours of the night to take them somewhere if he did have. He has X time to get to his call he don’t have time to get them up get them ready and drop them off or to wait for someone to come over to sit with them. Three he don’t want them all the time he has told me and everyone else time and time again they are better off with me and where they need to be.

She seen the other day where I was looking up child support enforcement on my phone. I went to go talk to them twice now and can’t find the freaken place. The first time I went to their office waited for them to open and got up to the door to find out they had moved. The other day I went 40 miles or more a way from home to where they moved to and it is a closed down building that is for sale. But the 800 number keeps saying they are open at that address and that they can’t give me a number to call someone at that office direct to talk to them and figure out what is going on. I got to go back down there this week see if I can find it. She started about why I was doing that and how I shouldn’t be doing it and I should just let him go and not try to get anything from him. Again how they are going to make me let him take her and things. Again she knows nothing about him has only ever met him once or twice wasn’t very friendly to him then and that is it. She don’t know nothing that is going on or has went on but going to tell me what is going to happen and what they are going to do and why I shouldn’t think he should have to help take care of the baby. He hasn’t this far and where are we 5 months after I have had her still struggling to have the things she needs can’t have a place of our own and stuff. He owes her that money. He isn’t going to be able to take her with his past history I already talked to a lawyer. He isn’t going to get shared custody because she is to little and they told me it is not good for her to be a way from me for days at a time this little they have told him the same thing. We had to take a class when we went to get our divorce and we took it together. Plus the rumor still is that he is in Tenn. Even if he is here when I go for child support they tell them they don’t do custody or visitation if he wants that he has to take me to court to get it. He won’t waste the time and money to do it he don’t have the money to either. And he knows she should not be in that house and around his girlfriend. That is why he hasn’t been around more to see her now. She won’t let him try to see her because that means I will be in the picture and she don’t want that because she knows how things are between them most the time and what she went and done behind my back. I just told her I had to get help for a little bit and that because I did I have to go after him. I am going on my own because he needs to help take care of her. He wanted this baby and now that he changed his mind it is a little to late.

But it is just stuff like that she does that is just to me over stepping her bounds. And when your telling her you already been here or there or done it checked into it talk to someone or whatever and she has no clue and still going to tell you how it is and how your wrong. I don’t understand how people can be like that. But I am over it already it gets old real fast and I am about to tell her about it.

Gifted

Last year the last couple weeks of school my oldest school called and sent papers home asking if they could test her for gifted. I said sure why not. She is smart for her age loves to learn always reading and the one to be done way before the other kids and helping the others. I know she gets bored with her work a lot of times and hates to study because she knows it. They use to have all their homework for the week given on Mondays. She would come home sit down and finish it all in a matter of an hour or so. They got homework in at least 3 subjects most nights. Wasn’t like a sheet of this or that to do. This only leaving her with 20 minutes of reading a night for the rest of the week. Even that she would read way longer than 20 minutes. She was in second grade I gave her Charlotte’s Web to read because she could read a ton of the little books they gave them to read in 20 minutes. She would read it and keep track of what page she started on and stopped on and how long she read. The teacher was surprised she was reading it and understood it and could tell her all about what she had read. They tested her reading and she was reading then 90 some words a minute with 90 something right.

They just barely got the testing for gifted done before school got out. I think she took the last test the day school got out or the day before. I never got the results of the test. Only her FCAT scores when I went over the summer. They were pretty high also. When I put her in the new school she wanted to go to this year I asked they said they didn’t know if they would send that information over or if I would have to go and get it. I don’t know why they wouldn’t it is part of her record. Well in a few days I got a note from her new school saying that they wanted me to come to a meeting last Friday about her test results. Of course I went  and was and wasn’t surprised at her test results. But very happy and proud of her. She got 125 on her IQ test. She missed getting into the gifted program by 5 points. But then they said they had another way she could get in and that they went over everything for that and that she got in that way. They looked at her test scores talked to her teachers looked at her grades and FCAT scores and felt that even though she missed it by a few points she still was what they would consider gifted and put her in. They said once she has gotten in there is no retesting she is in for life. They set up a 3 year EP for her but said that when she goes to jr high in two years we would meet and go over it again and change what needed to be changed.

I know that it is extra work and things for her but I think it will help her in the long run. They pointed out somethings in the information they gave me that I never thought about that I think will help her in the long run. I think that if she sticks with it and does good with her grades and things it will open up other possablities for her when she gets to jr high and high school.

My mom keeps saying I shouldn’t have done it and it is going to be so hard and she is going to have all this extra work and things when she gets to the higher grades. She says she is going to have to do all this extra work for nothing because she will end up with the same thing the other kids get when it is all said and done. But I think she will be at a better advantage than kids in the regular classes and things like that. Being in the program opens up money for collage and other programs and things to get into later on. It pushes them to do their best and to stay in school it keeps it interesting for them. She wants to be a vet when she gets older I know she is only in 4th but I know she has the drive to stay with it and do it if that is what she really wants to do or whatever she decides to be and do. But I think that I will have problems with her later in school if she isn’t in something that is challenging her and giving her something to do other than just regular class work. She will get bored and I don’t think she will be my one to cause problems in class but I think she would be my one to skip or just quit going all together when she could because she was bored with it. Like I told her if it gets to be way to much and over whelming for her when she gets to high school or jr high even I can pull her out.

I don’t think she really understands what it is and how it works because a lot of what she says don’t make since. But that isn’t anything new for her. She never knew what was going on when I was in school either. I was there and went every day well not every day but the days I decided to go. I knew what was going on where I was at what I needed and if I was going to be able to finish on time and with my class. She didn’t bother to ask or keep up with it. She just knew I needed to take a few classes over and had a few problems. So she just assumed that I wouldn’t. Instead of listening to me or going in for any of the meetings and things they had to inform her she spent her time telling me how I wouldn’t and how I couldn’t do it. The only real reason I finished high school was to show her she was wrong didn’t know what she was talking about. I finished on time with my class and walked with my class. She never said anything just acted as if she didn’t like it that i did.

I had a hard time in school from about jr high on and no one ever tried to get me help. She called herself trying by making a phone call or two now and then but never stayed on it and made sure what needed to happen and what should have did. When you don’t it never does. I never got any kind of help or anything I just struggled through and did it on my own. I always said that I would never do that with my kids I would be 100% involved with their schooling and what they needed. If I had more help and someone that was more involved I wouldn’t be in the situation I am now. I would have went to collage and done better. But by the time I fought with her about school and everything else in life growing up and then struggled to get high enough grades to pass for so long I didn’t want any part of any kind of school when I got out for a long time. When I got to high school I did just enough to pass so I could finish that was it. I don’t want my kids to have to fight and struggle and have no one to help them.

Family

I watch my kids play and talk to my baby girl I can see and hear how thrilled they are to have her and her with them. I watch the love grow and the bond form between the 4 of them it is very bittersweet. As I think about her two brothers she hasn’t gotten to meet. I don’t even know if they know about her. It’s heartbreaking that she can’t have that relationship and that bond with them. They can’t grow up being a part of each others life. I know they would love to know her and see her they loved babies so much and talked about us having one some time. Things are so different not having them anymore. Like something is missing. Every time I look at my baby girl I think of them and wonder how they are doing and worry about them. I loved them like my own.

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