{September 26, 2013}   So Silent But Yet So Noisy

Everyone’s in bed have been for hours now but here I am still awake unable to sleep. The house is so quite but yet it seems so loud with all the thoughts echoing in my head. Nothing particulate just random thoughts about everything. Mostly whats going on now and the last year. Another one of them nights where he (RC) has been on my mind a lot for some unknown reason. I try not to think about him and to go to sleep or do other things but every time I find myself lost in my head thinking about something that has to do with him. I had that overwhelming feeling to pray for him again a little bit ago. I still don’t know what that’s about or why I get it. I just do. I did it I have this one person who really don’t know what is going on or what has happened keep telling me at different times when I see them here and there that something is going to happen in that area. I don’t know maybe that’s why I keep feeling like I need to pray for him. Really that’s all I can do at this point. I think that’s about all anyone can do anymore. I keep thinking about the kids and how I miss them and wish they could know their sister. I keep thinking about the fun times we had and how much I really loved them and him. I keep thinking about the things that were done and said. The things I should have done and said that I didn’t. I have never really had regrets until the last year and now i have so many.

I go back and forth I want to be mad at him, I want to not want him to come, I want to have him just stay gone and out of the picture and leave us alone. But I can say I’m really not mad at him I can’t be mad at him even if I try. I am angry with him sometimes because of not being here. But when it really comes down to it I feel sorry for him. All that he has lost all that he is has went through and probably still going through. I think to myself look at everything that has happened look at what he did to you and your kids not just my 4 but all 6 of them. But then I think look at where he comes from look at what he has gotten into with this gf and the fact that there are pills involved. I know I know that is not an excuse for any of it and that I shouldn’t be making them for him. But I just know the person I met the person I had such a great relationship with wouldn’t do this if it wasn’t for something else involved. He wouldn’t just wake up one day and decide that he didn’t want his family his kids and his baby that was on the way. Then I try to tell myself that it was all a show that wasn’t the real him and that this is the real him and I just can’t bring myself to believe it. I just don’t feel that it was a show it wasn’t the real him. I feel this now isn’t the real him. I truly don’t feel deep down that it wasn’t the real him when we got together.

The more I think about it I think he had a problem with the pills before we meet but was trying to clean up and get a way from them. He had just went through everything with his ex and having DCF involved and getting custody of his kids. He had gotten them a place to live out of the house they were in to be a way from her and have a better place. He sold his truck to get them the things they needed and seem to really be trying to do right by them. I think he did good for a little while but just slowly drifted back into them. He knows I don’t do them or any kind of other drugs and that I don’t want to be around it or have it around the kids. I think he didn’t know how to tell me and was afraid that if he did tell me I would be mad and leave. I think that is why he did what he did get out first before he got hurt because I left. I think that he was afraid I wouldn’t understand. I really I would have understood I would have tried to work with him to help him get help and get off them if that is what he wanted. I wouldn’t have just gotten mad and left or freaked out. I wouldn’t put up with it and I wouldn’t condone it but I wouldn’t have left I would have tried to help him if that is what he wanted. I think that when he went up there she probably is in to the same kind of things and it was just easier to go where you didn’t have to worry about someone being mad or hurting someone. Once he got her here and seen what it was really like and all about he not only had the problem but then had the problem of having her here having his daughter in the mix and not only not telling me the truth from the start but then doing everything he did the way he did. He figured he just really screwed himself and does feel like he is getting what he deserves.

Something I said to him the other week in a text keeps coming back up and bothering me. I feel horrible for saying it but I was mad at the time that he hung up on me. I was mad because he had no clue what was going on and if something was wrong or not. And I said something that even though what he has done and was doing and the things he has said I shouldn’t have ever said. I am mad at myself for stooping so low and to such a level that I would do one of my biggest no no’s and pet peeves. I know it will probably come back to bite me in the ass but what can I do about it now? Nothing really. I feel like an ass for even feeling bad for saying it or whatever. But I do. I took something he told me and used it against him. Not so much to hurt him but to piss him off and try to get him to to say something. To at least get him to think about things and what he is doing. But I should have never done that and going about it that way isn’t going to help anything. It is just going to make things worse. That is such a big pet peeve with me. You don’t take something someone tells you and use it like that weather you are trying to hurt them or just make them think it’s just something you don’t do no matter what they are doing or have done. So many people do but that just isn’t me. But of course I have said done and feel a lot of things going through this that just aren’t me.

I found myself thinking about my relationship, well marriage to father of the year  and my relationship with RC. I keep thinking about how differently I feel about each and how different they both were. And how I feel that what happen with me and father of the year was out of my hands and that I did all that I could to keep us together and not get a divorce. And how I have no desire to get back together or try to work it out with him what so ever. I wish that he wasn’t in the picture at all much less having to see him everyday. But then I wish the other was in the picture and can see where we both could have done things different and that I should have done a few things different even there at the end before and after I left. How I should be mad at RC for all that he did and has done but I’m not and I feel the way I do about it all. But I think it all comes down to the fact that With me and father of the year we had problems for years and this wasn’t the first time I had told him I was going to leave. Things got a little better for a little bit but never really were 100% better after that. And the fact that he calls himself helping me even now but he really isn’t it is all a show to make me look like the bad guy yet again or still. See I’m helping her but she still don’t want to work it out or get back together. When really he hasn’t done anything he said he was going to since we got this place and he has made it impossible for me to get a job and refused to even come home to be with the kids when he could so that I could get one. Where with me and RC things were good we had a few little things we were working on but over all between us and our relationship there really wasn’t any problems. And it was just a cut and dry this is it and this that and the other all happened there in a day or two span and it was done. It wasn’t like multiple things happened and we talked about it and tried and tried to work it out or he would say it was going to be different and it never was. It really was the stuff that happen that few day span that was the worst things that happen between us. I just don’t see how still that it went that way even though I know how and why. It just still seems unreal. I still feel like I am in a bad dream and can’t wake up. I really don’t know any other way to explain it anymore.

I even keep thinking about the things he said to me that night and the next few days when this was going on. And I just think he didn’t really mean it and that wasn’t really him if things weren’t going on with him that were he wouldn’t have ever said them things to you. Making more excuse. Everyone when we talk I say he is just sick and he is going through depression and he is what ever say yeah buy and you got to stop and your way nicer than. Really I’m not anyone else I wouldn’t feel this way and wouldn’t say the things I have or offered the help I have or anything else. Anyone else I would be so upset angry and mad at. Anyone else I would write off and move on. But for whatever reason I can’t with him. I think you know they are right he is under his own free will to do whatever he wants and he is picking to do this that and the other. But then the he is going through this and that comes back up. I don’t know maybe because like he said we are so much alike it is scary and I really do see and understand what is going on and things. I have been through the depression and the abuse and things like he is dealing with with her. Maybe I just understand it to much to be able to be mad at him.

You know it isn’t even that I want to get back together with him anymore or that I think that would ever be an option. Everyone says oh you still want to get back together or you still love him or what. But since I have had the baby and in almost 6 months he hasn’t called or tried to see her more than that one time. I can’t say I do want to get back with him or that I would even consider it. I know it is all because of her and what he is going through and all that is going on like I have said. But I still can’t say I feel the same about him as I did. I don’t know if I would if he did come back around. I just wish he would be a part of his our daughters life and be a dad to her. Because when he is straight and wants to be he really is a good dad and a caring dad. I won’t lie I do still love him I can’t say that I am in love with him anymore.

I keep thinking about the things we talked about the plans we made where we would be right now if we were still together. The plans I made the things I wanted to do for him and us and our family if we were still together right now. I wonder how things would be for us and all the kids if we were and how much better off we would all be and happier probably. I really would have married him probably in a few years if not sooner. I was going to have the baby and lose the baby wieght and go have them pictures taken for him for his birthday. His farther in law had this motor cycle he was wanting to sell. He really liked it and wanted it but just couldn’t get it with things being so tight and trying to move and catch up on bills and things. I had decided I was going to go talk to him about it once we got moved and I got tax money. I was going to see if I could give him so much on it and then make payments on it until we got him paid off. I could have done it because I was going to get a job and things. I was going to make the payments out of my check not his. I never told him any of it because I wanted to surprise him. Look who got surprised. I wonder what he would say if he knew what all I had planed and how much I really did care about our family. Not just our family but him. He use to always make comments about us and how I felt about him and why I was with him and things. How he didn’t know why I was with him and stuff. He always felt he wasn’t good enough or never did good enough at whatever it was he was doing. He always wanted to know what others thought about whatever it was and how they liked it.

I don’t know why this stuff comes up or why I go over and over it in my head like it’s a broken record that just keeps repeating and repeating in my head. Like its waiting on me to figure something out or I’m missing something or there is something I am supposed to do or something is going to happen. Whatever it is I just wish it would hurry up and happen or show it’s self or I would figure it out or it would just stop happening. I feel like since all this happen I’m stuck in this spot because I haven’t done something or I am waiting on something. Whatever I am supposed to do or learn or whatever the case maybe may have to slap me in the face and spell it out because I’m just not getting it this time.

I am going to go and try to get that last two hours of sleep there is to be gotten before I have to get up and start my day. I can’t believe it is already 4 am. I feel like it should be about 8 or 9. I am sure I will pay for it tomorrow once I get the kids to school and the other one picked up and home. I think there is a coffee pot with my name on it.

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