Can’t Wait

Today I will be calling as soon as the office opens to see if I can talk to someone about the house we found over the weekend we want to move to. I really hope they are willing to give us a chance and there is nothing more wrong with the house than what we seen. I hope that others haven’t called and looked at it and want it either. i am thinking most people are not going to want it as is and knowing they will probably be moving in 6 months. Most people looking to move out there are looking for the ready to move in fixed to the T house. Plus a lot of people are not going to want to do work to it but others don’t know how to do the work or quick fixes so they can’t take it. I have a good feeling but the closer we get the harder it is to stay positive about it. I am trying really hard to be positive about this. I just don’t want to be let down. but I guess we shall know in about 6-8 hours a little bit of something at least if not a for sure yes or no. Please just keep praying for me and the kids.

I Want This So Bad

I posted the other week about having to move at the end of the month. Well I have been looking and haven’t found anything in a good area that we can afford. It is hard for us to because here they want you to show you have 3X the income coming in in order for them to even rent to you. That isn’t always easy to do when they want so much for the rents.

Today I went and looked at a few places and have made plans to go look at some places with a friend of mine tomorrow. Tonight I came home and decided to look on the computer to see what I could find. I went a few down the page and found one that I really want.

It is a 3/2/2 on a 1 acre lot But it says it is AS IS and it is only $750 a month. It dose not say what it means by as is and the rent is a little over half of what the houses in that area are going for. They will take my pets and they only want fist and last month to move in. It don’t give a phone number just email. I know where the house is I got my friend and we went over there. I was hoping there would be some sign in the yard with a number or something on it but there wasn’t. So I got out and walked around it looking in the windows with a flash light. I didn’t get to see all of it. Some I couldn’t see into. What little I did see didn’t look bad. It has carpet in some rooms looked good with the little light I have but who knows in daylight and if it smells. The back porch needs to be rescreened. That isn’t a big deal I can do that I was going to do it to the house we are living in now because the people didn’t do it right and it is coming out and tearing up.

My friend said it probably don’t have a stove and things in it or a a/c unit. I didn’t get to see in the kitchen so i am not sure. I don’t have the money to buy them but I can rent them for now. I would just make sure it said when we signed the paper work it said that we put them there and that we get to take them when we leave. If I could get it and there isn’t much wrong and it don’t have central a/c I would be willing to put window units in as long as it says it is ours and we keep them. I am not putting a ton of money into someone elses house and paying them rent. If they want to give me so much off a month to pay on them then I would leave them. I am going to go back in the daylight and look in all the rooms. If it needs carpet or something I can put that in. I have put carpet and the wood type flooring in my old house. It isn’t hard to do yourself.

Everyone please just pray that this is something that is workable and doable for us and that the people will let us in it and we can get moved by the end of the month. That would be so nice it is a big house it is almost 1800 sqft. That is about 1000 more than where I am now.

Please just pray pray pray that we get it. I was talking to a guy from church last Wednesday at the flea market he was telling me about one not to far from this one that was across from him. I told him there was no way I would be able to touch a house out in that area. He said you might be surprised what you can get or end up with. I just hope he is right and we get it and this is the start to things turning around for us.

Hug Your Kids Tighter Tonight and Say A Prayer

I am asking everyone to say a prayer for a little 5 year old boy and his family tonight they need all they can get. God will know who it is. Hold your kids closer and say a prayer for them too.

Tonight the kids had their 2nd stars meeting so I stopped picked my friend and her daughter up and we went. I dropped them off and ended up hanging out by the truck talking to her longer than I planned to. I told myself just drop and go baby was getting fussy and I had my 3 year old at another friends being watched. I was in a hurry to get to him. I got out to let her daughter out and started talking. Wasn’t there long maybe 5 minutes.

I headed home called my friend who had my son and was talking to her. I got about 6 miles from home and I seen a truck to the right of the road stopped. As I got closer I could tell it was in the road. I slowed down trying to figure out what was going on and where the people were I could tell no one was in it and it was in the middle of that lane. As I slowly drove by I seen someone stooped down and a person laying there. You could tell they had been ran over. It was bad. I said to my friend oh my god someone has been hit and it looks like a kid or very small adult but I think it is a kid.

She hung up and called her husband because he had been in or was about to be in that same area on his way home from somewhere else. He said someone said it was a man they didn’t know if it was a teen or adult that had been ran over. Still horrible horrible thing to happen to anyone one but thank GOd it wasn’t a child. I would rather it be me than any child out there. I still was shaken and felt sick. I got my son and came home. We did what we had to do dinner and bedtime.

Later the news came on and my friend called me to tell me it was on the news and what they were saying because she knew I was outside not watching it. Turns out sad but true I was right and it was a child. It was a 5 year old little boy with autism. I they airlifted him to the childrens hospital I am guessing.  His family was there at the volunteer fire department for a boy scout meeting and he got away from them I guess as they were leaving or something and he ran in to the highway.

I am in tears and sick this hits so close to home as my own son is autistic. Father of the year has just pissed me off to the point of leaving the room to avoid a fight. He says how could parents let that happen and this and that about it. I am sure they did not let it happen. Anyone with a child with special needs knows how hard it is to start with. Then when you have them out you are always on edge. But things happen that is out of any of our control. Kids like this do not understand danger and a lot have no fear. It isn’t hard for one to slip away from the most watchful of parents. My son about that age maybe a year older walked away from me and his dad in the store one night. He wasn’t a wanderer or a runner he didn’t like to be by himself or in public or away from us. He always walked along beside me in the store he would hold my hand or my pocket and stay right with us. He had a melt down and I turned my head to get the keys out of the diaper bag and turned back around and that fast he had walked a way  to the point I could not find him. I freaked. I went and asked them to help me find him and everything else.

This little boy may have never been a runner he may have just been trying to play around or follow the other kids and got a little too far from his mom and dad or whoever he was there with. We never know with kids like this what idea they are going to get in their mind or at what moment. Something sets them off upsets them or makes them mad and that new idea comes into their head lets do this instead of this they just do it. They again are not thinking about the danger around.

So please no rude comments or remarks about the parents and what they should have or could have done. That they are bad parents how did they let this happen or anything like that. Lets just all pull together and pray for this little boy and his family. I wish there was something I could do for him and his family but I just don’t know what. I don’t know who he was or anything else right now. Any ideas would be great.

TO ALL THE SINGLE LADIES

Love Oprah and so much of this hit close to home. Too much on my mind to go into details maybe another post.

 

TO ALL THE SINGLE LADIES:

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. Don’t try to change yourself for a relationship that’s not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can’t “be friends”. A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend. Don’t settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don’t stay because you think “it will get better.” You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who have a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. You cannot change a man’s behavior. Change comes from within. Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are. Even if he has has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else’s man. If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs. You should not be the one doing all the bending… Compromise is two way street. You need time to heal between relationships. There is nothing cute about baggage… Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you. A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals. Look for someone complimentary… not supplementary. Dating is fun… Even if he doesn’t turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes… When a man always know where you are, and you’re always readily available to him ~ he takes it for granted. Never move into his mother’s house. Never co-sign for a man. Don’t fully commit to a man who doesn’t give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others. Scared of being alone is what makes a lot of women stay in relationships that are abusive or hurtful: Dr. Phil says… You should know that: You’re the best thing that could ever happen to anyone and if a man mistreats you, he’ll miss out on a good thing. If he was attracted to you in the 1st place, just know that he’s not the only one. They’re all watching you, so you have a lot of choices. Make the right one. Ladies take care of your own hearts.. ♥

By: Oprah Winfrey

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Stars Of Tomorrow Program

Monday I took the kids to try out at our local playhouse for their Stars Of Tomorrow Program. My friend who lives by me sent her husband with one of her kids to try out and my other friend brought her daughter. The kids all did pretty good but there were a lot of girls trying out and we had 3 girls and 1 boy trying out. I figured my son would get in because he did as good as the other kids and there weren’t a lot of boys trying out. I think almost 100 girls did. It was fun watching them all get up there and sing. They did happy birthday since we all forgot until last weekend they were even supposed to go.

We got there early they said come 30 minutes early we were about 45 or more. I was happy we were 2nd 3rd and 4th in line. I thought great we will get in get signed up and get their tryouts over with right of the bat. so we get in there singh all their stuff and get a number they number the boys and the girls. Instead of doing them all together. So it was like F1 F2 M1 M2 and so down the line. Still not bad because we were the first few F’s and he was the 2n’t M. Still in and out in a hour or so. Nope when they started calling them up they had mixed them up. They had the 80’s going with the 1’s and 3’s and everything else. So we were in the first second and 3rd round to go on stage.

My big boy was the 2nd one out of every one to have to sing. He got up there and he looked at the lady and said what do you all do if you get nervous it was so cute. I couldn’t tell what she said to him but then he went on and song he did really good. All the kids done pretty good. There were some who never even got on stage when they called them only one who cried and left and some that when they got up there you could not hear a word they were saying and then they just stopped and stood there looking around. then there were some who were really good and you could tell probably done this before. Then there was the rest like our kids who just got up there and gave it all they had and they weren’t horrible they weren’t over the top but they were good. It would have been really hard to decide who got in and who didn’t after you take out the first two groups. the ones who cried stopped didn’t show or couldn’t hear. Then the group that was over the top and just really good. Other than that I couldn’t have picked who to keep and who not to.

They told us that we would get a call by 5 pm Friday saying if they got in or not and not to call before that but if we didn’t hear from them to call. That way if they couldn’t read a number or something they didn’t get left out. I got a call about 330 but I was in line cashing a check or getting kids in the car at that time I didn’t answer. then I got one about 415. I was paying a bill so I let it go to voicemail and about the time I sent it I noticed it was the same number who called earlier. I went to get ex from dropping the work truck off and forgot about the calls. Then I thought of it sitting there waiting for him and listen to the message to see where it was from and it was the playhouse. Both kids got in. We  go for our first meeting this coming Wednesday. I called my friend around the corner from me and they hadn’t gotten the call i called my other friend and she said she got it about 20 minutes before that. The others tried calling after 5 like they said they told them they were behind and they may not find out until the weekend. But then later they called and said she got in too.

The kids are so excited I asked them if they wanted to call their grandparents or anything and tell them and they said no. They want to wait until tomorrow and tell everyone at the party. I am so excited for them and happy for them. This is nice because they both should go same night and time and I won’t have to run two or three days a week like I use too.

I Don’t Live Like This

This is not my life I don’t live like this and I can’t get use to it. It is really starting to stress me out and depress me more than ever before. I am not use to moving like this and having to pay what I can on stuff and hope it stays on until the next time I can pay on it. I am not use to just exciting in life. I am use to living life. I am use to being able to pay the bills and keep a place to stay and have a little bit left over. Don’t get me wrong we didn’t have a lot but we didn’t worry like this all the time. I had a little extra most weeks to save or do something with. Now I can’t even pay the bills. The boys both had birthdays I went to try and get the stuff for the party I told them we would have. Then I come home and I don’t have the pans and things I need. Stuff broken here at the house they won’t fix so I am not even having it here I am doing it at the park. Talking tonight about how to get everything over there I have no idea how I am. We are down to one truck right now. I am use to if we wanted to have a party open the doors have a party if I wanted to go to the park hook the trailer up or grab the other truck and take the stuff and go where ever and have one. I am use to being able to buy the stuff we need or at least knowing that ok I can’t this week but I can for sure next week. Right now I have no clue when I can buy anything because there is nothing left. It sucks. This is not a life this is exciting or should I say fighting to even excite in life. This is just get up and get through the day so you can go to bed and get through another. I told my friend tonight on the phone I am not use to this this is not me this is not my family this is not how we are use to living. I am use to being the one to help others out when they need it and things. Now I can’t help my self much less anyone else. I would rather not than live this way. I can’t handle living like this. The not knowing if we are going to be homeless again. I can say we pretty much are going to be probably because nothing is working out and we don’t have money to move on.

It breaks my heart because the kids have their dogs and the ferrets they just got for their birthdays and here we are at the holidays yet again and this is happening. I don’t know what to do or how to fix things for them. I think my biggest thing is I feel like such a failure and I have tried so hard to make things right and get things in order and have for them. to only have it all snatched away just  when we think things are turning around. I can’t stand the feeling that I have failed my kids and that I can’t provide for my kids. I would rather not be in their life than to sit here and not be able to give them the things they need like a roof over their heads clothes food and things like that. Much less never give them things they deserve or want once in a while.

I have been trying to figure out how to do it on my own this time and everything else and I just don’t see how. I can’t get in anywhere and even the places I thought well we would go if we had to and couldn’t find something else aren’t there they are all rented too. This is just bad and it is really really really bad. I know there are families out there who have it worse and I feel so bad for them and pray things get better for them too.

I am so sick of hearing things will work out things will get better and all this bullshit too. Like I told my friend when the hell is it going to get better how long are we supposed to live like this and do this before it gets better because it has been a year over a year and it just gets worse and worse. i am so tired of being knocked on my ass. I don’t bounce like I use to and it is harder and harder to get back up and it is harder and harder to have the desire to get back up. I am so tired and so done. I am beyond stressed and depressed. I just want to say fuck it all and let someone else take care of it.

It makes it hard too because I don”t have that someone to talk to about things that someone to be close to and stuff. I am having a really hard time with that right now too and not sure why. Because I really could careless a lot of the time. I think because I am just so stressed and feel so defeated and alone. I don’t think if I had someone one that that would fix things or change things for a minute . Nor would I expect them to fix things or change them. It is just nice to have them there.

Over The Unknown

As if it isn’t bad enough that we have to move by the end of the month. I may have just lost my babysitting job yesterday. I was out with the kids after I picked my oldest two up from school looking around by us for places to move. I stopped at home for just a minute to let the dogs out because I forgot and left her in. I don’t like leaving her in with the ferrets since she tries to attack them through the cage. She has gotten better but still. Well I left the kids in the truck with the windows down and ran in for just a second. All of a sudden I heard the doorbell. I wondered what one of the kids got out of the truck and why they were ringing my doorbell. I looked as I was going to the door and seen a car pulled in behind my truck. I open the door and there was a women standing there. It was the little girl I watch mom. She told me she wanted to pick her daughter up.

I was shocked and caught of guard I didn’t even know she knew where I lived. She went on to say there is no custody order so she has the right to pick her up and that he has problems and this and that. I told her she could have her because she was 100% right there isn’t a custody order and she has every right to her if she is not with her father. I could have called the cops and got them involved but why with all the kids there when it is going to be the same outcome. I went to the truck and got her out and gave her to her and they left. I tried to call him and his phone went straight to voice mail it was dead. I went to his work and told him what happen and that she now had her. I figured he would be mad but he wasn’t really. Not that he could be mad at me because I done what I had to do if I didn’t give her to her and the cops were called i could get in trouble for interfering with custody of a child or kidnapping where we live. He said the same thing there was nothing I could do and that it was ok I did what i could. Even if he was mad he wouldn’t be mad at me just at the situation not me. I haven’t talk to him since. I still have to get paid for the days I watched her and see if he gets her back or when. I am sure he will probably still want me to watch her. He is very happy with her here and knows she loves being here.

But now I have to wait and see what happens there and when it is going to happen. That was a big chunk of my money taken a way until if and when something happens and I get to watch her again. If I don’t I’m really in trouble because that was money for the kids for the holidays and things plus a few other things I had done and was going to use the money for. This is just so bad right now and not what I needed. I hate not knowing as it is and with everything such a mess and needing that money so bad it is really getting to me. He hasn’t even gotten a hold of me to pay me what I did watch her this week. I feel funny after what happen to get a hold of him and ask to get paid. I don’t know what to do. I am sure he will pay me just don’t know if he is waiting to see if he gets her back so he knows how much to give me and knows what to tell me or what. I figure he has something planned for this weekend to get her back or figures he will. If I don’t hear from him by tomorrow I am going to stop of over there. i found somethings out I wanted to tell him to that might help him get her back.

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