{October 5, 2013}   I Don’t Live Like This

This is not my life I don’t live like this and I can’t get use to it. It is really starting to stress me out and depress me more than ever before. I am not use to moving like this and having to pay what I can on stuff and hope it stays on until the next time I can pay on it. I am not use to just exciting in life. I am use to living life. I am use to being able to pay the bills and keep a place to stay and have a little bit left over. Don’t get me wrong we didn’t have a lot but we didn’t worry like this all the time. I had a little extra most weeks to save or do something with. Now I can’t even pay the bills. The boys both had birthdays I went to try and get the stuff for the party I told them we would have. Then I come home and I don’t have the pans and things I need. Stuff broken here at the house they won’t fix so I am not even having it here I am doing it at the park. Talking tonight about how to get everything over there I have no idea how I am. We are down to one truck right now. I am use to if we wanted to have a party open the doors have a party if I wanted to go to the park hook the trailer up or grab the other truck and take the stuff and go where ever and have one. I am use to being able to buy the stuff we need or at least knowing that ok I can’t this week but I can for sure next week. Right now I have no clue when I can buy anything because there is nothing left. It sucks. This is not a life this is exciting or should I say fighting to even excite in life. This is just get up and get through the day so you can go to bed and get through another. I told my friend tonight on the phone I am not use to this this is not me this is not my family this is not how we are use to living. I am use to being the one to help others out when they need it and things. Now I can’t help my self much less anyone else. I would rather not than live this way. I can’t handle living like this. The not knowing if we are going to be homeless again. I can say we pretty much are going to be probably because nothing is working out and we don’t have money to move on.

It breaks my heart because the kids have their dogs and the ferrets they just got for their birthdays and here we are at the holidays yet again and this is happening. I don’t know what to do or how to fix things for them. I think my biggest thing is I feel like such a failure and I have tried so hard to make things right and get things in order and have for them. to only have it all snatched away just  when we think things are turning around. I can’t stand the feeling that I have failed my kids and that I can’t provide for my kids. I would rather not be in their life than to sit here and not be able to give them the things they need like a roof over their heads clothes food and things like that. Much less never give them things they deserve or want once in a while.

I have been trying to figure out how to do it on my own this time and everything else and I just don’t see how. I can’t get in anywhere and even the places I thought well we would go if we had to and couldn’t find something else aren’t there they are all rented too. This is just bad and it is really really really bad. I know there are families out there who have it worse and I feel so bad for them and pray things get better for them too.

I am so sick of hearing things will work out things will get better and all this bullshit too. Like I told my friend when the hell is it going to get better how long are we supposed to live like this and do this before it gets better because it has been a year over a year and it just gets worse and worse. i am so tired of being knocked on my ass. I don’t bounce like I use to and it is harder and harder to get back up and it is harder and harder to have the desire to get back up. I am so tired and so done. I am beyond stressed and depressed. I just want to say fuck it all and let someone else take care of it.

It makes it hard too because I don”t have that someone to talk to about things that someone to be close to and stuff. I am having a really hard time with that right now too and not sure why. Because I really could careless a lot of the time. I think because I am just so stressed and feel so defeated and alone. I don’t think if I had someone one that that would fix things or change things for a minute . Nor would I expect them to fix things or change them. It is just nice to have them there.

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