Feeling Alive

I had been really stressed out and very depressed for a while, not that is anything new or news to anyone who follows and reads my blog when I have time to post. Since moving a few months ago the depression has only gotten worse. But I don’t know what it is the last few days I have had a really odd calm come over me. I don’t feel stressed or depressed. I feel good I don’t feel down or on edge all the time like I had for a while. I just hope that it last and this isn’t just the calm before the storm. I can’t do anymore storms, my kids don’t deserve to go through anymore storms. It’s odd it left faster than it came. Just a few nights I go I came in and pulled my computer out and sat down and started writing a post about how much of a failure I felt because of everything. I had to stop and never got back to it.

It being my birthday and the new year coming up has got me thinking. I don’t feel near 33 years old at all. I still feel like I’m 20 and like I have all the time in the world left to do whatever I want. Then I look at it and think Wow I’m 33 and I have done nothing with my life. I feel I have wasted my life with father of the year and trying to please everyone else. Just when I thought I was going to be a way from father of the year and get my life on track and do something I met RC and got into all that and it has been all most two years wasted. Don’t get my wrong I have 4 wonderful kids from it all that I wouldn’t trade for the world. But I feel like I have failed them still in some ways because of the last couple years and not having a good job and being able to do better for them.

But at the same time I had a decent job making ok and moving up to where I could have been making even more money. Then the bottom fell out and I lost it. And there are tons of people out there who had jobs 100x better than mine who lost their jobs and are in the same boat as me. So who is to say that if I had been in a better job the same thing wouldn’t have happen. It is just a really hard time for a lot of people right now.

Other stuff I have just put off doing for whatever reason or another. Mostly because I have been to depressed and just didn’t care. I shouldn’t say that I cared I was just so depressed it was all I could do to make myself get up and get through another day much less fight and try to get through other stuff and deal with courts and things. But it has to get done and i am the one who has to do it.

I don’t make new years resolutions they are hardly ever stuck to or remembered a week or two later. But I have decided that I am feeling good I want to keep feeling good and I want to get things settled so I can figure out and move.

Between now and the time the kids get out of school I am going to

1. Get my divorce done so that it will settle custody child support and things for the older three kids.

2. Find Charlotte’s dad and get paternity custody and child support settled once and for all right now. He probably won’t have to pay much but every little bit counts and that little bit may mean the difference in her having something she needs or wants.

3. Get a job so that I know what I have that I am working with and I can figure out what to do and where to go for me and the kids. It isn’t good the way we been living and it has to stop now.

4. Decide if i have the money to move a way or if I have to stay here for a year before I can move. Then do whatever it is that I have the money to do. So that me and the kids can get settled down and have a life again.

I am doing this for me to better my life and to better my kids life. I’m not doing this because it is new years coming up and your supposed to make a resolution. I am doing it because it is my birthday a new chapter in my life started and I want it to be one of the best one yet. I am looking forward to the next one but have to many things to take care of before I can think about it. If I had waited before I may not be in the spot I am now.

I need a change have for a long time just been to depressed to do the things that need to be done. this year I am kicking ass taking names and asking questions later. It is after 3 am I have to be somewhere by 10 am I better get a few hours of sleep before I have to go out and drive in this with the kids. goodnight all.

Just Wanted To Say

I hope that everyone had a very blessed Christmas. It has been a busy week or so with getting ready for Christmas and other things I had come up I have been trying to get taken care of. I have been going to bed at 6 or 7 am sleeping a couple hours and getting up to do it all over again. Tonight I could be sleeping and can’t now. Have to much on my mind and it’s bothered me I haven’t had time to write.

We had a nice Christmas just us my mom my one sister and her family and my brother and his. The brother I don’t get along with but surprisingly it was nice we all talked and socialized. Most the time with him and his family they come in see what you got them and go after insulting people and causing a argument. But I had stop talking to them never invite them to things I have at my house or go around them. My sister had pretty much stopped talking to them or having anything to do with them either because of the way they do. I think when they had my nephews birthday they started to see that he was missing out on a lot not getting to be with his family and things and they have been better. It has only been a few weeks and one holiday we shall see if it last. Not a big loss for me if it don’t I hate that my kids can’t see their baby cousin but I won’t be treated and talked to the way that my brother and his family seemed to think they could treat people.

The kids were so excited when they got their Christmas gifts. Their great grandma gave me money to get them something for Christmas. I took it and put it with what I got and get them a tablet. The three bigger ones got them a watch and a bank. My little bitty got a bank this huge stuffed dog seen and fell in love with at the store and a couple other little things. I am going to get her ears pierced for Christmas also but didn’t have the time to take her. I took her to one of the stores a while back and the lady acted clueless and was rude. I decided I would take her to the tattoo shop where I got my tat and have it done. Cleaner to since she don’t get shots. I will probably take her once the kids go back to school. It will be a outing for me and her.

Today well I guess technically yesterday was my birthday since we are already two hours into this morning. It was just another day like most of them. Soon to be ex gave me a card with a little bit to get something and my big girl wants to do my nails. She didn’t remind me until a little bit ago when i was sending her to bed so she has to wait until tomorrow. Not really a big deal I don’t really do much for my birthday anyway. I would like to get a group of the girls together and go out on the boat again. It was a lot of fun the last time we went. But that will have to wait until I get moved.

Over all this holiday season has been pretty stress free compared to most.

WordPress Family Award

I am honored to have been given the wordpress family award from one of my favorite blogs I Am My Own Island her blog the The Old Heave HO  is one of the first blogs I started following when I started blogging myself. I am glad she is part of my wordpress family.  The rules are….. 1. post the image

2. Link back to the person who nominated you

3. Nominate 6 other bloggers who have impacted your blogging in such a way they feel like family to you.

1. Passive Aggressive Abuse When I found this blog and started reading it all I could think was it’s really not me and I’m not crazy. What she has been through and is going through with her husband I can relate to in so many ways. My soon to be ex is very passive aggressive. He is very good at hiding it. So when I decided to get a divorce everyone was shocked and thought I was in the wrong. Because they don’t see what he is really like. When I tell them they act like I am over reacting or maken it up. To find someone who understands made me feel so much better.

2. LadyRomp Blog always has uplifting and thought invoking things to read.

3.   Black Box Warnings Is another blog I have followed for a while now. I love that it is dedicated to mental illness.

4.  Roadkill Goldfish is one I have just started following but find to be very funny and a great read.

5. The Matt Walsh Blog is another blog I just started following not to long ago but enjoy reading as well.

6. Lipstick and Playdates is another I have followed for a while.

4. Let everyone know you have given them the award.

It was hard to pick just 6 but here they are.

Long Shot But Looking For……………………..

Grandma’s Angel

I got my mom and my grandma this angel about 13 years ago for Christmas. My grandma seen hers but didn’t know it was hers and went on and on about how pretty it was and how much she liked it. It reminded me of her because she always had the kids at her house grandkids great grandkids were always running around.

Well my Grandma had a heart attack in October then december she had another really bad one and was in the hospital for a long time in and out. She was there at Christmas time and was out didn’t know anything. She ended up passing a way the next day on my 20th birthday. She never got to open her angel or even know that it had been for her all that time. I had bought them in July and put them up for Christmas.

Last year when I was staying with RC I had my stuff stored at a “friends” house. She let her grandkids come in go through my stuff and the only things that went missing were this and a couple other things I had she knew ment anything to me. She asked me to move the stuff she had some people coming. I told her that RC was at work and that he had burnt his foot really bad the day before on hot charcoal when we were watching fireworks on the 4th of July. I told her I would talk to some of the guys around there that we knew and see if I paid them if they would move it for me but it would be that evening when they got off work. She knew I had all the kids and couldn’t do it plus with my back and neck I can’t. She got mad called the manager told her I said I wouldn’t move it and all kinds of stuff. Then called her granddaughters to come over there. Well I guess they just went through it got what they wanted and left the rest. There was nothing I could do about it I couldn’t prove they got it and she wasn’t going to admit it.  That was the end of our friendship. I couldn’t believe she would do such a thing because I didn’t rush over as soon as she called with 5 kids and move it was still weeks before she even needed the room but I was willing to pay people to move it that night. This is a women who 98% of the time came over and had dinner with us I took her or gave her left overs to have for lunch and everything else. We took her out with us a few times. I had taken her to the doctor because she was afraid to go that far in her car and drive didn’t really know where she was going and her grandkids wouldn’t take her. I had taken her friend about 80 miles away for a SSI meeting because she don’t drive and again her car wouldn’t make it and she was afraid to get out there and drive in the traffic to get there. Everyone was shocked and surprised when she did us that way and when I went off on her. I was so mad I don’t have a lot of stuff like that sitting around I had one little shelf with stuff on it in my house and that was it that had nic nacks and things on it. They were things that meant something to be that was it. Then she went and let someone take all of them.

I know it isn’t the same as having the one I got and have had all these years. But I would love to find another one like it to have. If anyone knows where I could find another I would love to try and get one. I just think she is so pretty and then all the kids around her. My grandma had 60 and 70 kids, grandkids and great grandkids this just seemed so fitting for her. Everyone always commented on her when they would come over and see her. I called her grandma’s angel.

R.I.P. Hank AKA My Old Man

Hank not long after we got him. We let him taste a pickle.

This is Hank he was the first dog we got a month or so after we closed on our house and moved in. He was 6 months old. We later got out bigger dog about 3 months later. Hank later became known as my little old man as I called him. All the kids who ever came to my house was scared to death of him. He would chase them around growling at them. I would have to make him stop.

When we moved I got a friend of mine to keep the dogs for me. She text and said he hadn’t eaten in a few days. I wasn’t worried then she told me he wasn’t coming out of the kennel either. I told her I would come see him the next day and check on him. She wasn’t home it was getting late. He wouldn’t eat for a day or two at home, figured he was just missing us and the kids. Later that night she called I missed it then she text me. I got a hold of her she said she just got home and he was dead in his kennel. She said he had had some blood when he went pee also and there was in the cage he had went to the bathroom when he passed I guess or before. He had had problems with his kidney’s but he had been fine. He had been extra moody the last few weeks and drinking more but he is just like that. Thinking he may have been having problems we didn’t realize. Most the time he has problems he wets himself but he hadn’t been doing that. I think they shut down. I felt horrible. Ex had to go over and buried him. I am glad it didn’t happen at home and the kids come in and find him. They took it hard but not to hard. My big girl cried big boy was upset but ok and baby boy don’t understand.

Crazy thing trying to lick his way outside through the window.

We were having a yard sale and I wouldn’t let him out with us because he would bark at everyone and scare the kids. Turned around and found this in the front window.

He didn’t like to wear clothes unless it was cold and he liked his Santa outfit more than anything he had. The kids were so thrilled he would wear it.

We had Hank for just about 6 1/2 years he would have been 7 in January.

 

R.I.P. Hank 11/10/13 you are missed.

Two Pair Of Underwear

My Big Boy ( 8 yrs old now) comes home from school Monday and shoots straight up stairs and into the bathroom. I thought it was odd because we have a bathroom under the stairs and no one was in it. I even said to my mom why did he go up there. She said she thought it was odd too. In a few minutes I am standing at the foot of the stairs sweeping and he comes walking down. Before I could say anything he looks and me and says just as serious as could be. Good thing I wore two pair of underwear to school today in case someone tried to steal one. I wasn’t sure I heard him right I was sure I had to of heard him wrong. He was moving his hand around as he talked. I asked him what he said, he said it again with out cracking a smile or nothing. I laughed so hard I cried. I guess he got up and put on the clean underwear I left with his clothes and half a sleep forgot to take his others off.

Not A Lot Going On

It has been forever since I was able to write and it sucks. I tried to set things up on my phone so that I could but it isn’t working to well. I think I was able to fix it now that I have gotten on my computer. I have been so busy the last month or so. With moving, little bitty and the other kids. I don’t know where to start.

Guess I will start with moving it was the last thing I posted about I think. We had a place lined up but couldn’t get in until a few days after we had to be out of our place. Instead of spending money on a truck and a storage room and then a truck again in a few days I just got the largest truck and packed everything in it and went and stayed at my friends. The kids were at my moms except my two little ones. I figured it would be cheaper to keep the truck a few days than getting it twice and paying for a building for a month when I only needed it a few days. Well they strung us along for almost a week and lied about running the credit report and things. Then told me that we couldn’t get in because of stuff she said wasn’t a problem to start with. I had to put everything in storage and find somewhere for the animals. We are now at my moms again. That in itself is a post of it’s own I’m not even going to go there.

The kids got into the stars of tomorrow program at our local playhouse they are excited about that. They do their first program this coming week. I have screwed up big time with everything going on. I haven’t put in for our tickets. I have to go there first thing tomorrow and pray they let me get out tickets or I am in a lot of trouble. Pray that they understand and I have time to get them still.

I feel like I have lived at the doctors office the last month or so. The two little ones got pretty sick and had to go. The baby had to go back because she wasn’t getting better. Then she had to go again for a well check. My little boy started telling me his belly hurt and crying in his sleep and telling me it hurt when I wake him up so we had to go for that. She gave him some stuff to take for two weeks we have to go back Monday for that. Big girl brought home head lice for the first time ever and gave it to me and the boys. She has had it 3 times in the last few months. I am so mad about that because the school don’t care and don’t try to see if anyone else in the class has it. I had to take her to the doctor for that. She better be rid of it at this point. It don’t seem like the doctor trips are going to end. Baby goes back in Jan for another well check and the big kids go back in Feb for allergy testing.

My little bitty is getting so big and she is so smart I don’t know where the time has gone. She just turned 8 months on the 4th. She is pulling herself up and walking across the front of the couch holding on to it. She has been running everywhere in her walking. She will fallow me to the kitchen and if she is hungry she will sit there and tell me um um um yum yum yum. If I don’t get her something she gets upset. I can get her something and tell her come on and she runs after to the other room for me to feed her. She is to funny. She still only has her two front teeth on the bottom but is wanting more and more off the table. She is about done eating baby food. She had the whole thanksgiving meal off the table. She loved it. If we are eating she refuses to eat the baby food and wants what we are eating. Sometimes she will even if we aren’t eating. She is up to 14 lbs 2 ft 2 in as of the other day. She can still wear 0-3 months clothes. But they say she is growing on a curve her own curve but on one so they are not worried. They keep saying she is just going to be petite. the doctor was surprised she rolled over and waved to her as she went out of the room and told her bye. She said she is very smart and very advanced on her motor skills.

We had to give the ferrets a way. Part of the joys of being where we are. They were told they could keep them but then had to get rid of them. A friend I grew up with took them so they are at a good home and they can see them now and then. They may get them back if we get a place because they may move out of state the first of the year. I told them that if they got rid of them to let me know I wanted them back if I was moved and had room.

Proud of the both my big kids they are doing so good in school. They both have A/B honor roll. My big girl is one A from having all A’s and principles honor roll. Not sue if she will get it or A/B this time around. Feel kind of bad but she had science project to work on and turn in in the middle of moving. She only got a 70 on it but she got a 90 on her presentation. Not sure how that will average out in the end. I told her to ask for some extra credit to bring the grade up but she has had so much homework the last few weeks that we haven’t. But I am not to worried about it because I know she will have it pulled up and back to an A or B by the middle of next 9 weeks.

That’s about it nothing great other than their program I can’t wait to see. I am more than glad their last day until after New Years is next Friday. We can all rest and relax after the last few months of stress and change.

 

H.U.G.S

Help Us Grow Spiritually

Heard this tonight on t.v and liked it.

All Makes Since Now

I have been talking to my friend J more the last few weeks. I hadn’t talk to her much we talked here and there but not a lot. I met her and her husband through RC they were friends of his. She has contacted me a few times off and on the last year on Facebook and her husband offered to let me stay with them when I was pregnant. She asked me the other day if I could give her a ride to have a procedure done. She wasn’t allowed to drive after. Then another day we went some places. We got to talking about RC and the way he was. She said that he drank a lot when they met him. She said he was always drunk. That they had tried to talk to him about it and things but he just kept doing it.

I was kind of surprised because he hardly drank at all when we were together. He would have one to two at night when he came home and most the time he never even finished the second one. He would dump it out. I would have a drink here and there. We went out a few times and we both drank but he still didn’t really drink that much. I only ever seen him with even a good buzz once. He was never drunk. My one friend said before I was drinking a lot when I was with him. But I really wasn’t. Her a lot is different than most peoples I would say because she don’t drink. Maybe once or twice a year. So a drink a few times a week or a drink a night is a lot to her.

But with RC I think what happen was he had a problem with the pills and he was trying to get away from it so he started drinking. A lot of times that is what people will do they will do one to get a way from the other and vise versa. So that they can keep something in their systems. I think he wanted a way from the pills so he started drinking and it got out of hand. Then he started going to church and things with the kids and in laws so he probably started trying to not drink so much. Then we got together and I don’t drink like that all the time. So he was trying to keep it to just one or two an evening. I was ok with that he wasn’t sitting there getting drunk every night he wasn’t taking money out of the house.

Well then before I moved he was sitting on the step at my house. HIs little boy came running up behind him to grab him and hug him from behind. Well he hit him harder than he expected to and his knee caught him right in the back. Well he did something to his back he hurt him pretty bad. He got to where he was having a hard time when he got up in the morning and things. He went and got a relaxer and pain pill from his mom a few times. I knew it he didn’t try to hide it from me. But I don’t know how many he was getting when he went down there. I know what I found in the drew when I left was a lot. I don’t know if he was really getting them from his mom or someone else around there even at this point. I didn’t watch him or go with him. I didn’t speak to his mom we didn’t talk the whole time I was there. She stopped talking to me before I moved in and I didn’t try to find out why. I hadn’t done nothing if that is how she wanted to be then I was fine with that. I didn’t have time to be bothered with her.

I think when all that happen he got hooked back on the pills then we were talking about his daughter and I encouraged him look for her find her. So he did. Her mom is the same shape he is in and maybe worse because I know her boyfriend was a coke addict. Im sorry her husband. You don’t just stay with someone who dose that and not have some kind of problem yourself.

I think he got hooked back on the pills and was afraid to tell me and was probably trying to figure out what to do how to tell me. I think he was afraid that I wouldn’t have that around our kids and I would say oh no and leave. I think that when he found her and she was the same way it was easier to get out and go be with her who was the same way than to tell me and risk me leaving. I think it was get out before he got hurt if i left. I believe he really did love me I believe he really did want our family and the baby but he was so afraid that I was going to be so upset and mad that I would take my kids and the baby and leave. When really if he had just come to me told me everything I would have stayed if he was willing to get help and get off of them.