{January 30, 2014}   Happy Birthday

My oldest turns 10 today. To be honest it seems like forever ago that I was calling the doctor and going to the hospital. But then I look at her and think 10 already where has the time gone and think about all we have been through. Wonder what the next 10 years will bring. 

We have middle school, boy n dating, not to minchen high school driving dances jobs and all the other fun stuff. I wonder what its going to be like getting her through it all. Our relationship is ok. It could be better thats for sure. I want her to beable to come to me and talk to me and trust me. I dont know what it is I have never felt a strong bond between me and her. I remeber when i had her I was a long time before i ever reslly felt any kind of bond or conection between us. I really think it had a lot to do with labor and delivery. I feel horrible and want to change things but honestly I really dont know how. I hate it because I want to have that mother daughter relationship with her. I know she feels I treat the other kids different but I dont. She says she gets in trouble more and things but she is the one who dose things to get in trouble. The boys are like bumps on logs they dont do much. Im not going to let her get a way with everything to make her like me or want to have a better relationship. How ever you want to say it like may not be the right word. I am her mom not her best friend she isnt going to like everything all the time. 

I think part of it is like i was talking about before with family curses and things too. My mom is but isnt close with her mom. My aunt the oldest isnt close and they hardly speak. My grandmas mom didnt treat her to good and she ended up living with her grandma. It just seems no matter how much I try or what I do things dont change. 

I just pray that one day things will change and that right now she has the best 10Th birthday ever. She is at school right now. I tried and tried to get her to stay home she wanted no part of it. I told her it was raining wet cold nasty out and it was her bday she should snuggle in her bed sleep in and enjoy her day. She said no she wanted to go. I am taking her cupcakes tomorrow to have with her GSP class. She rather do it with them tomorrow. than her regular class today. 

{January 30, 2014}   Go Directly To Jail

Very few people know (other than any who have driven behind me) I have no tag insurance or drivers license. I havent had insurance since The end of October licence since the end of November and a tag since the end of December. I couldn’t pay my insurance when we were moving. I thought once I got moved I would have money to fix it before they got my license I didn’t. I then didn’t have money to do both and couldn’t get the tag because I didn’t have insurance. I am waiting to file taxes to get it. Because now in order to get it is going to cost me $525 give or take a couple of dollars.

They called told me my sons bus broke down said I would have to pick him up and bring him the rest of the week. I dropped him off this morning no problem.

I picked him up and had to stop at the store to get a few things we needed. When I got in the turn lane a car got behind me. I noticed right a way it was a cop. I was hoping he wouldn’t see my tag. We turned i went on up the road instead of turning in my normal spot hoping he would turn there since the police station is right there. But I knew he wasnt going to and he was going to pull me. I got to my turn and turned sure enough he followed. I got about block up he put his light on. I pulled into the middle turn lane put my flashers on and made my way around the curve so I could pull down a side street off busy road.

He came up said he pulled me because of my tag and asked for my license and insurance. I just told him I didn’t have it. He asked I didn’t have it on me where it was or if I didn’t have it at all. I just told him it was no good. course he wanted to know why and all that. I told him. He took my name and things and went back to his car for a while. Then came back and wanted my moms name. I had told him i was staying with her and we lived the next block away. He come back told me I needed to get it home and park it. He said I needed to at least get a tag so I wouldn’t get pulled over anymore until I got the other two things fixed.

Then he tells me he is supposed to take my tag but he isn’t and if I get caught again they would take it impound the truck take me to jail and call dcf/cps. I now have to keep my son home tomorrow hope his dad can take him Friday. And get someone to haul me all over to take care of all this. Its going to cost me about $525 by time it’s all said and done. It really sucks my daughters bday is tomorrow I had plans I can’t if I don’t get this done. Now I will have no money for a month really sucks. At least it will be done.

Wish I could just sneak for couple weeks but I live a block from the police station my big light blue suv isn’t hard to see.

I really think he must have told them my mom was with me and driving to not have writen me a ticket warrening or anything. I dont know why else he would of ask for her name and run her.

{January 28, 2014}   To Much Anger

Last night the kids were sitting around drawing and coloring before bed. We are sitting there talking and things. All of a sudden my big boy looks up and goes hey look I drew a picture and it looked something like this… chey I did this in paint but basically the same. He scribbled his all out or I would have just taken a picture of it. Anyway he says look me and brother are standing on the mount-en and that is sissy laying at the bottom she fell off. I know I really shouldn’t have but I laughed it was funny the way he said it. I know I know I know it isn’t good. My daughter freaked out he hates me why he do this and when he draws the family he leaves me out. Then she was saying he is going to do something to me one day and all this. I told her it is because of the way she treats him and how she calls him names and things. She and my mom of course say no it isn’t and she don’t do anything. Because she acts like little miss angel. I know a lot of it is from the way my mom treats her and him so different and things too. I didn’t say that I didn’t want to cause another big fight we had done had that for the night. So father of the year came home and someone said something to him about it and he is all flipping out and freaking out this isn’t good this isn’t right and blah blah.

Yes I know it isn’t right and yes I need to talk to his person about it but at the same time I can see how he feels and where he is coming from with it. I have always told my kids they can express how they feel and that it isn’t wrong that they feel this way or that way about something. Everyone has feeling and we all feel differently about different things. Some of us may cry because of something that others may not think twice about. Why others may get really angry about something why everyone else thinks it is funny. But I do need to talk to her and see what she thinks and let her talk to him and see if he will tell her what all is going on and if she seems to be worried about it.

{January 24, 2014}   An Oil Change

I have been trying for a few weeks or more to take my poor old truck in and get the oil changed. The one day it was way too cold to go out with the kids and after that I didn’t have money to or something came up. Yesterday father of the year got off at 4 so I left the 3 older ones with him and took the baby since she woke up before I could get a way.

I took it down to where he works to get it done because I don’t know the guys there but know others who do and they said it was ok. Besides it’s just a oil change figured they couldn’t mess it up to much. I went in and the guy was with someone. He came over I told him what I wanted and waited. In a few minutes why the other customer was doing something he took my keys and gave them to the guys to have them do it.

My friend who came and help me move the night me and RC got into it, sister in law works there she has for like 20 some years. She was still there and came out and was talking to the baby and holding her. She went to get stuff done so she could get ready to go home and I was talking to the other guy about putting a motor or tranny in a truck and things. To which he said I would probably be better off to leave it alone if it needed a motor.

I was standing there at the counter and the guy brought my keys in and gave them to him. He said something then said you know who that is don’t you? The guy said no and he told him I was Father of the years Mrs.’s I said ex we are in the middle of a divorce we haven’t been together years no. They know we live together and I am sure he told them I was his wife. He tells everyone I am his wife like everything is fine and we are just this happy little family. Then the guy I had been talking to who I have talked to before but wasn’t sure if he remembered me because it was only once or twice for just a few minutes. But he looks at me and goes oh thats right you were with RC for a while weren’t you? I said yes I was I said this is his baby. He said no I said sure is I was pregnant the day that he got the job with you and me and him went loaded his huge tool box full of tools and brought it down and unloaded it. He said I just assumed he thought she was father of the years. I said no we have not been together for a very long time like 3 years or more.

He said that RC he sure is something else and turned out to be a bad guy didn’t he. I said no I said he has a problem that he needs help with. I said he is a really good person and a great father if he would take the help he has been offered and everyone has tried to give. I told him how he found his daughter and that when he did that and went there and then got hooked back up with her mom and she had the same problems and things. He said yeah I know I paid for his ticket to go up there and everything. I said yeah I know I said I was there I said when he came home that night he told me he was done he didn’t want any of this anymore. He was shocked. I said well he has a problem and he still swears to this day that he don’t have a problem and everything. He said and he lies right to you and so senicer you believe him he makes you believe it. I said well this he can’t lie to me about I know too much I know what I found and I know what he has been doing I don’t believe for a minute he don’t have a problem.

He asked where his boys were and how they were doing. I told him he signed them up. He was floored and asked who had them. I said their mom and grandparents. He said he said how much he hated them and he didn’t want his boys to go to them and how they treated the littlest one. I said yes they did because I seen that for myself. But his new girl didn’t want them around they wouldn’t call her mommy and where bad. She made him get rid of them. I said funny he hated Paul and his wife and his ex wife and didn’t want them to have the boys. I said we couldn’t make a move without their approval when we were together. I said that and moving were our only problems. He asked where he was I told him how he seen the baby when she was 4 weeks old said he was moving getting away from her and would get a hold of me about the baby and the next thing I knew he split with her and went back to Tenn. They are in Knoxville now.

Something was said about father of the year. I said yeah when RC came home and did what he did put me and my kids out in the street and me 15 weeks or so pregnant I had to go back to my house I had given up and by then my ex had moved back in it and put a stop to the divorce. I said we are only living in the same house because of circumstances and so that I can get everything taken care of get him to get this divorce over with.

I’m sure the shop was a buzz when I left and today. See that is where RC had just started working not long before we split up. He worked shop and towing so he knows a lot of the guys and still talks to one now and then. Then when father of the year needed a job and things my friends husband the one who sister works there got him this job there. He helped RC get the job there too. They all know each other and things as well. Oh well I am sure he told them a pack of shit just like he told everyone else about me. I am sure father of the year tells them how we are still together just like he thought we were.

{January 19, 2014}   Cold Days

Long cold lonely days, turn into even longer colder lonelier nights.

{January 13, 2014}   The Joys Of Family

I wrote the other night about my grandma moving back in with us and how she is. Well today my mom calls me in there and tells me that my grandma has decided she is going to go home but isn’t saying when. First off I told her I am not spending time packing her stuff and taking down there. We brought it up here when they moved in and then it went back now we brought it up here again and this time she is going to have to have some of them come get it. She isn’t going to stay and I’m over this back and forth and no one doing anything.

But that means that come the first of March our rent goes to $800 it was supposed to be $400 and light bill. We been paying $500 all the lights and water plus buying anything and everything else that came in the house including food. Now we will be paying $800 plus all that if she leaves. I’m not happy about it. I let them stay with me they paid hardly anything. But also they call their self helping us out. They aren’t helping us out because if they were we wouldn’t be paying so much. I don’t mind helping out but the rent don’t go up or down because we are here. I wouldn’t mind paying the lights and water. But when we are paying everything and then can’t have anything and was lied to from the start it pisses me off.

After she told me this I didn’t say much I told her I had to get a place she wants us to stay here a couple more months if she leaves to help her and so she can work on renting her room. I don’t think we will find anything before sometime in March by the time we get our tax money. I guess we will see. But I didn’t think about it until we went to our storage today I can’t pay all that and pay for my room. There is no room here to bring stuff and I refuse to lose anymore of my stuff I have lost enough. I called and told her I can not pay everything and my storage and that the first of the month I was taking the rent part of my money and paying my storage up with it so that it will be paid the months we are there paying everything. She didn’t like it but like i told her if I move I won’t have to pay that and will have a bigger place my own place and things. If I don’t I will have the room and have to pay it and won’t be able to. She just said she knew.

I figure now it will be that she is going to stay and all this. I am still taking my money for February and paying it up. Because she could leave at anytime. I will tell her that if she don’t leave then I will give her and extra $100 to pay toward it or I may must tell her that I will give her $400 when I move if she don’t go and is still here and we don’t end up paying all of everything. But I can’t pay her because she is here and then her up and leave.

My mom has been sick and hurt her back now she needs both knees replaced from where she fell down so she hasn’t been able to work. If she hadn’t lied and we hadn’t come over here when we did she wouldn’t have been able to keep this place. If we all leave now she won’t. She don’t want to go stay with us where ever we go because she don’t like the area where I want to move. I don’t know what she is going to do but they better figure it out I hope to have something by the middle of March still anyway. If I can work it how I want I will be able to get me and the kids something with out anyone staying with me. Then father of the year can stay here with her and I can be done with it. It may sound harsh but after all the shit she has done and the way she dose I can’t help it anymore.

{January 10, 2014}   Way To Go

Ok last post before I go to bed. I have to brag and say how proud I am of my big girl and by big boy. They both go their report cards today and they both got all A’s and B’s for A/B honor roll. This is their second report card for the year and the second time getting it for both of them this year.

{January 10, 2014}   Generational Curses and Bondage

I grew up in church from the time I was little. My mom or step dad use to take us and drop us off every Sunday and Wednesday. They even came with us once in a while. As I got into the youth group I stopped going. They always were doing stuff as a group parties outings camp and things and I was never allowed to go. I had a few friends but not many because most the kids knew each other outside of church or got to know each other out the events they did. I was kind of the outsider never really felt I fit in. After I got out of school and things I wanted to go back so I started looking for places to go and found that most churches in my area didn’t have groups for people my age. Not that they didn’t want to have them but they just didn’t have enough people that age coming. Most had either went a way to school or just didn’t come.

So I would go here and there once in a while. Then I started going with my moms friend when I didn’t have to work he would pick me up and I would go to his church. It was pretty big but not bad. I liked it but would like to find something smaller but it would do for not since I didn’t have a car and no where else to go. Not long after I started going I met my future husband and found out that he went there sometimes and his grandma still did. He went to church and things to but him and his friends had been trying some different ones out and looking for somewhere else to to go. They felt it was to big as well. The one had a show at a Christian radio station here in town and we would hang out there with her on Friday nights. After the show a lot of nights we would hang out and have our own little bible study until up into the night.

When we got together and I helped him get a job his bosses daughter told us about the little church she had been going to with her girls. We tried it liked it and that is where we have been since for the last 10 years off and on. We got married there and everything. We went all the time for years. Then when things started getting bad between me and him I stopped going so much. It just got to be do much to get up and get all the kids ready and take them and deal with all of them there after doing everything and going every where we had to go during the week and taking them with me. I had them pretty much 24/7 alone and had stuff to do with the kids every day but one. I couldn’t just take the one that had some where to go I had to take all 3 of them and keep the other two entertained why helping with whatever was going on for the one that was supposed to be there. By the time Saturday and Sunday rolled around I was dead to the world and didn’t want to move off the couch or get dressed. Much less drag them out to one more place. But I would we didn’t make it every Sunday but probably every other or so and Wednesday nights most the time.

Then it got to where every time I went I would have the ladies in the church coming up and telling me they were praying for me and my family. Randomly they would tell me that they didn’t know what I was going through but they had felt they needed to pray for us. Or they would say god told them to pray for us. A lot said they could tell something was wrong and that I looked to be at the end of my rope an like I needed help or someone to talk to. It was all I could do not to cry I would just smile and say thank you and that yeah we really could use them. Others I would just walk a way so they hopefully didn’t see the tears. I wanted tell them I wanted to talk to them I felt they cared and really meant well. But I was embarrassed I was hurt and upset I didn’t know what to think or do. I didn’t ask for help, I didn’t go to others with my problems. I worked them out figured them out on my own and if something needed done I found a way and got it done. I stopped going because I felt I was being dishonest and like I was lying to them. Because my other favorite things to say was we’er ok or I’m good just wore out from running with the kids. Not I’m so depressed I can’t stand it not i’m dying inside and hate life. I felt horrible because I had this big secret I was keeping from everyone. I don’t know why because my head told me they didn’t really care anyway they were just saying that stuff to be nice they didn’t want to be bothered with my problems and even if they did want to know or was there to talk to what could they do they couldn’t help me there wasn’t no help for me. This was my life this is how it is and this is how it was supposed to be. So I didn’t go back anymore for a long time after that.

Then me and father of the year went to talk to his grandma she asked us to come over when she found out we were getting a divorce. After that she brought this lady over to my house to talk to me. She had a group for women and I started going to it. I even started going to church with her and her family. I liked it but it was a little smaller than what I was looking for. I wanted something with a good childrens program. But I was going anyway. The kids had started going to church with their dad at his grandma’s church and they had a great program for them. I figured until I got things straight with me and found a good church it was better for them to go there. I don’t like to take them to a new church I don’t know a lot about. It worked out pretty good. In the womens group that I was going to we started talking about bondage and curses and things like that.

In the mean time I met Matt not long after I started going to my meetings and to church. The only time I really got to see him was on the weekends when the kids were with their dad and he was off work so I started going to his house and staying. It wasn’t supper far but a good little piece to go to church I had been going to or to my meetings. And with the way things were with me and father of the year still and then meeting someone I didn’t want to go there so I stopped going. He went but he had been going with his boys and in laws. I wasn’t going to go with his in laws for sure. But I told him I wanted us to find somewhere and start going. We did go to his once and to mine once but decided that we need to find something new. We went to one or two after that here and there. But he said he didn’t feel right about being there and us both still being married and then me being pregnant. I told him it was ok we didn’t have to tell anyone anything unless we wanted to and that we were working on getting all the stuff with out ex’s taken care of and that we didn’t have to be perfect to go. What mattered was that we were there and trying to turn things around and do things right and get our new family on the right track. That was right before everything happened and we didn’t really have a chance to go anywhere after that.

I started going again and taking the kids to the one they had grew up in the one we got married in again. But it just didn’t feel right and I stopped going again. My mom wants us to go to the one where I grew up but I really don’t care for that one. They have had so much happen and so much change and a lot of people have left. I really just want to get me and the kids a place and settled and find somewhere we can start going again.

But I also want to find somewhere that deals with and knows about Generational curses and bondage. I thought about it some when we were talking about it but I thought oh that don’t apply to me when I was going to my meetings. But with all that has happen in the last couple years I truly feel that there is something there. I don’t think it I can feel it. And when I look back at my life and my family I see a lot that no matter what or how hard I try I still seem to just fall right back and go through things that I know how to avid but just can’t. If I do I get tossed in on my ass and stopped into place like I had escaped and someone caught me and was angry about it.

I see me in my 30’s going through things that others went through in their teens and 20’s. That I thought I made it through I steered clear of that I don’t have that to worry about anymore because I got through that age. I did the things I was supposed to do and stayed out of trouble and a way from stuff I’m good. Then bam like a slap in the face here I am. I just don’t understand it. Something has to be there something has to be holding me back pulling me back and working against me. I have said a few times to my friends who have known me most my life What have I done in life that was so bad that me and my kids are going through the things we are now? Where did I mess up and go so wrong in life that my kids deserve to go through the things they have the last few years? Why am I going through the things I am? I am going to be doing some studying and research on this until I finally get some answers to these questions and then some. And hopefully figure out how to make things right again.

I try to think of big things that I did that were just so bad but hey maybe they weren’t big at all. Or it wasn’t big at all. Maybe it was the littlest tinniest thing I have done wrong that has made my life hell. It dose say no sin is bigger than any other they are all the same. I just don’t know. I really don’t do things. I just don’t know. And maybe I will never find answers this way and it has nothing to do with it I just have to wait and see what happens. If I don’t at least I learned something along the way right?

{January 10, 2014}   Broken

I am so sick of hearing my kids broke this and that all the time. Anytime something comes up broke they did it because she seen them look at it once. Then she wants it replaced. There is a list of stuff waiting to be replaced because I haven’t had $1 to buy hardly anything since she said we could stay here. Calls herself “helping” us out. All though we are the ones who have been paying for everything since we came here. All the light bill all the water bill rent every roll of toilet paper paper towels cleaning stuff and about 98% of the food.

My sister and her family lived with her for two years no one working paying nothing, she bought everything down to baby diapers and paid everything.

She tells me they let their dog put whole in the couch she did/said nothing about. Then bullies my son into saying he put one in it when i know he didn’t and insist on us having the cushion redone. To night says something about owing her a new couch. Um hello no I will have the cushion fixed that’s it. She has even let my sister take it and use it as we speak because she don’t have one and my grandma brought hers when she came. She gives it to them and don’t get it back not my fault but I’m not getting her a new couch.

Tonight they went to play a DVD father of the year hooks it up it don’t work. About two or three weeks ago I got Netflix so the kids haven’t been using the DVD player. So first thing it was they broke it we have to buy her a new one blah blah blah. Then she says that’s why they haven’t ask to watch any moves because they broke it and they know it. They didn’t want to tell anyone and get in trouble there a list of things they already broke. No they aren’t using it because they got Netflix and would rather watch it. Besides the couple movies they have here to watch in it they can probably get on Netflix.

It just aggravates me to no end. I even said to her my kids go to everyone house spend the night at others house go to parties play dates and everything else and nothing ever gets broke but because they are in your house if something gets broke they done it. It couldn’t possibly just brake or stop working because that’s what things do. Or because they sat in storage for years not being used and in the heat cold and whatever else may have gotten to it. She didn’t say anything just something about they are let to run free and left gasp in the living room alone to watch tv or play why I am in the other room doing something. What kid isn’t allowed to be in the living room or bedroom alone to play why the parents are in the house doing other stuff. Gee they are 8 and 3. It isn’t like I am down the street outside or sleeping. I am changing the baby using the bathroom cooking dinner looking across the big open bar at them. No parent sits on top of their kids watching them every second of every day. And yes at my house I will take the two little ones and take a nap and let the two older ones 8 and 10 stay up and watch tv read do crafts or just play. they are not allowed to cut anything with anything use the stove or microwave. they can get them self a drink if they need it and some chips or cookies something like that. I am right there on the other side of the wall and can hear them. They are also not allowed to answer the door or go outside for anything. If someone comes to the door they are not to even look out they are to just ignore it and let them knock.

Some nights when it is Friday or Saturday and they are out of school I will let them stay up and watch movies and play games and things until they get ready to go to bed. My kids are good kids they don’t get into a lot of trouble. The trouble they do get into isn’t major stuff it is stupid stuff like not cleaning their rooms. Not getting into stuff or breaking stuff or fighting with each other all the time. Not that they don’t fight with each other but it isn’t bad. normal kid stuff. They get up really early and go to bed by 7/8 most nights. They get to get up go to school come home do more school work get a bath and go to bed. Not a lot of time to do other things. So on the weekend if they have been good I don’t mind of they lay around the living room or family room with pillows and blankets and watch movies til they fall a sleep. But I hear what a horrible parent I am for doing things like that too. To me they are 8 and 10 they should be given a little bit of trust. If they don’t blow it then they can gain a little more down the road. They know if they do something they will lose more than just not staying up. They know I trust them and that is why they get to do somethings and that if they break that there is no more it will take a while to get it back.

{January 8, 2014}   So Much Respect For

People who work in the medical field especially the RN’s, CNA’s, Tech’s and caregivers. The people who have the most hands on with the patients. It has been on my mind the last few days. They are jobs I couldn’t do.

My grandma is living with us she just came back my birthday. She hasn’t taken her meds since the first week of November or so and it is starting to really show. She of course thinks she don’t need it so she won’t take it. It has been very stressful. She thinks everyone is out to get her, they are trying to do stuff to her, watching her following her. She accuses us all of not wanting her here and doing stuff. She says it is all gang related. The other day she started on ex yelled at him that she closed her vent in her room. She swears that something is coming out of it and burning her skin. Other people sleep in the same room and under the same vent they are fine and there is nothing on her skin. But implied he open it over her bed and put something in it to burn her skin. Thats why she yelled it at him. She was accusing me of I don’t even remember what now she has a few times the last few days. All the while the kids are all sitting right there why this is all going on. It is driving me crazy. I don’t even want to be here and around her. She has been this way for a few years now. I have hardly went around her. They keep telling me how she is doing and how she is coming up with something this one or that one done all the time how she didn’t want no one to come over I just stayed away. I know she is sick and she needs the meds but I still can’t handle dealing with her when she won’t take them. Last night she was yelling and going on about something and just wouldn’t stop. My mom finally told her to hush and go to bed. She went up and laid down. If she hadn’t she wouldn’t have stopped she would have kept on.

She has od’d twice and threatening to leave now. We took all her meds the ones she takes she has to ask for and we give them to her when she needs them. It is such a mess. I think it is worse because my mom tries to tell her that what she is saying isn’t true and how it is and it becomes a argument. I just ignore her and let her ramble say what she wants and go on. The second time she od d they put her up there for a couple weeks or more. She keeps telling her that if she don’t take her meds like she is supposed to they are going to have to put her back in there.  Know arguing with her isn’t going to get anywhere rather she is right or wrong she thinks it is true and your aren’t going to change her mind. We are trying to see what we can do to make her take it but I know there really isn’t anything you can do if they don’t want to take it you can’t make her.

When she was at my house and taking it she was doing so good. She would play with the baby get on the floor and sit with her pick her up and do stuff with her for her. Now she don’t want to touch her afraid someone is going to say she hurt her or gave her something. she won’t hug or touch the other kids or play with them. She comes down stairs sits on this one kitchen chair and sits there all day. Have to tell  her to go eat and things. I go out of here right by or to the store everyday. She can get in the truck and go anytime she wants to or tell me what she wants and have me pick it up. I ask her everytime before I leave if she wants something or if she needs anything. Ask her every day what she wants for breakfast what she would like to have for dinner or any ideas for dinner. She says no no no or she don’t know or don’t care. Then telling us the other day she needs fruit and veggies and things to eat once in a while. Number one I make a veggie with dinner every night. There was fruit on the table and fruit in the fridge and there is stuff here to make two or three big saldes with all kinds of fresh veggies that she can eat anytime she wants. But then acts like we don’t keep food here or that what we do have she can’t eat because of this or that. She can cook she was cooking for everyone the last few months when she was at her house. So she could make herself something else if she didn’t like what we were having or if she told someone we could through it on cook it why we cooked everything else for everyone.

I hope she decides to start taking her meds again like she is supposed to here soon. If not I hope we find someone to talk to her and see if they can do something with her. Once she gets on the meds she will take it everyday and won’t argue with you if you give it to her and tell her to take it since she has to be given all her meds. She says she isn’t going to take meds the rest of her life. But she takes blood pressure pills and aspirin everyday. If she takes this one it will let her feel better and help her function not just sit around scared there is stuff wrong with her and that everyone is out to get her. My mom even told her how lucky she was that she could just take that pill and be happy how others can’t even take a pill and be ok they won’t ever be ok because they are just to far gone. She just looks at us. I don’t know please just pray something turns around soon. between that and the clicking and sounds my son is making all the time I feel so stressed. I know he is very stressed or he wouldn’t be making the sounds so loud and so much. he would be able to control it better when he isn’t.

et cetera
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