Happy Birthday

My oldest turns 10 today. To be honest it seems like forever ago that I was calling the doctor and going to the hospital. But then I look at her and think 10 already where has the time gone and think about all we have been through. Wonder what the next 10 years will bring. 

We have middle school, boy n dating, not to minchen high school driving dances jobs and all the other fun stuff. I wonder what its going to be like getting her through it all. Our relationship is ok. It could be better thats for sure. I want her to beable to come to me and talk to me and trust me. I dont know what it is I have never felt a strong bond between me and her. I remeber when i had her I was a long time before i ever reslly felt any kind of bond or conection between us. I really think it had a lot to do with labor and delivery. I feel horrible and want to change things but honestly I really dont know how. I hate it because I want to have that mother daughter relationship with her. I know she feels I treat the other kids different but I dont. She says she gets in trouble more and things but she is the one who dose things to get in trouble. The boys are like bumps on logs they dont do much. Im not going to let her get a way with everything to make her like me or want to have a better relationship. How ever you want to say it like may not be the right word. I am her mom not her best friend she isnt going to like everything all the time. 

I think part of it is like i was talking about before with family curses and things too. My mom is but isnt close with her mom. My aunt the oldest isnt close and they hardly speak. My grandmas mom didnt treat her to good and she ended up living with her grandma. It just seems no matter how much I try or what I do things dont change. 

I just pray that one day things will change and that right now she has the best 10Th birthday ever. She is at school right now. I tried and tried to get her to stay home she wanted no part of it. I told her it was raining wet cold nasty out and it was her bday she should snuggle in her bed sleep in and enjoy her day. She said no she wanted to go. I am taking her cupcakes tomorrow to have with her GSP class. She rather do it with them tomorrow. than her regular class today. 

Go Directly To Jail

Very few people know (other than any who have driven behind me) I have no tag insurance or drivers license. I havent had insurance since The end of October licence since the end of November and a tag since the end of December. I couldn’t pay my insurance when we were moving. I thought once I got moved I would have money to fix it before they got my license I didn’t. I then didn’t have money to do both and couldn’t get the tag because I didn’t have insurance. I am waiting to file taxes to get it. Because now in order to get it is going to cost me $525 give or take a couple of dollars.

They called told me my sons bus broke down said I would have to pick him up and bring him the rest of the week. I dropped him off this morning no problem.

I picked him up and had to stop at the store to get a few things we needed. When I got in the turn lane a car got behind me. I noticed right a way it was a cop. I was hoping he wouldn’t see my tag. We turned i went on up the road instead of turning in my normal spot hoping he would turn there since the police station is right there. But I knew he wasnt going to and he was going to pull me. I got to my turn and turned sure enough he followed. I got about block up he put his light on. I pulled into the middle turn lane put my flashers on and made my way around the curve so I could pull down a side street off busy road.

He came up said he pulled me because of my tag and asked for my license and insurance. I just told him I didn’t have it. He asked I didn’t have it on me where it was or if I didn’t have it at all. I just told him it was no good. course he wanted to know why and all that. I told him. He took my name and things and went back to his car for a while. Then came back and wanted my moms name. I had told him i was staying with her and we lived the next block away. He come back told me I needed to get it home and park it. He said I needed to at least get a tag so I wouldn’t get pulled over anymore until I got the other two things fixed.

Then he tells me he is supposed to take my tag but he isn’t and if I get caught again they would take it impound the truck take me to jail and call dcf/cps. I now have to keep my son home tomorrow hope his dad can take him Friday. And get someone to haul me all over to take care of all this. Its going to cost me about $525 by time it’s all said and done. It really sucks my daughters bday is tomorrow I had plans I can’t if I don’t get this done. Now I will have no money for a month really sucks. At least it will be done.

Wish I could just sneak for couple weeks but I live a block from the police station my big light blue suv isn’t hard to see.

I really think he must have told them my mom was with me and driving to not have writen me a ticket warrening or anything. I dont know why else he would of ask for her name and run her.

To Much Anger

Last night the kids were sitting around drawing and coloring before bed. We are sitting there talking and things. All of a sudden my big boy looks up and goes hey look I drew a picture and it looked something like this… chey I did this in paint but basically the same. He scribbled his all out or I would have just taken a picture of it. Anyway he says look me and brother are standing on the mount-en and that is sissy laying at the bottom she fell off. I know I really shouldn’t have but I laughed it was funny the way he said it. I know I know I know it isn’t good. My daughter freaked out he hates me why he do this and when he draws the family he leaves me out. Then she was saying he is going to do something to me one day and all this. I told her it is because of the way she treats him and how she calls him names and things. She and my mom of course say no it isn’t and she don’t do anything. Because she acts like little miss angel. I know a lot of it is from the way my mom treats her and him so different and things too. I didn’t say that I didn’t want to cause another big fight we had done had that for the night. So father of the year came home and someone said something to him about it and he is all flipping out and freaking out this isn’t good this isn’t right and blah blah.

Yes I know it isn’t right and yes I need to talk to his person about it but at the same time I can see how he feels and where he is coming from with it. I have always told my kids they can express how they feel and that it isn’t wrong that they feel this way or that way about something. Everyone has feeling and we all feel differently about different things. Some of us may cry because of something that others may not think twice about. Why others may get really angry about something why everyone else thinks it is funny. But I do need to talk to her and see what she thinks and let her talk to him and see if he will tell her what all is going on and if she seems to be worried about it.

An Oil Change

I have been trying for a few weeks or more to take my poor old truck in and get the oil changed. The one day it was way too cold to go out with the kids and after that I didn’t have money to or something came up. Yesterday father of the year got off at 4 so I left the 3 older ones with him and took the baby since she woke up before I could get a way.

I took it down to where he works to get it done because I don’t know the guys there but know others who do and they said it was ok. Besides it’s just a oil change figured they couldn’t mess it up to much. I went in and the guy was with someone. He came over I told him what I wanted and waited. In a few minutes why the other customer was doing something he took my keys and gave them to the guys to have them do it.

My friend who came and help me move the night me and RC got into it, sister in law works there she has for like 20 some years. She was still there and came out and was talking to the baby and holding her. She went to get stuff done so she could get ready to go home and I was talking to the other guy about putting a motor or tranny in a truck and things. To which he said I would probably be better off to leave it alone if it needed a motor.

I was standing there at the counter and the guy brought my keys in and gave them to him. He said something then said you know who that is don’t you? The guy said no and he told him I was Father of the years Mrs.’s I said ex we are in the middle of a divorce we haven’t been together years no. They know we live together and I am sure he told them I was his wife. He tells everyone I am his wife like everything is fine and we are just this happy little family. Then the guy I had been talking to who I have talked to before but wasn’t sure if he remembered me because it was only once or twice for just a few minutes. But he looks at me and goes oh thats right you were with RC for a while weren’t you? I said yes I was I said this is his baby. He said no I said sure is I was pregnant the day that he got the job with you and me and him went loaded his huge tool box full of tools and brought it down and unloaded it. He said I just assumed he thought she was father of the years. I said no we have not been together for a very long time like 3 years or more.

He said that RC he sure is something else and turned out to be a bad guy didn’t he. I said no I said he has a problem that he needs help with. I said he is a really good person and a great father if he would take the help he has been offered and everyone has tried to give. I told him how he found his daughter and that when he did that and went there and then got hooked back up with her mom and she had the same problems and things. He said yeah I know I paid for his ticket to go up there and everything. I said yeah I know I said I was there I said when he came home that night he told me he was done he didn’t want any of this anymore. He was shocked. I said well he has a problem and he still swears to this day that he don’t have a problem and everything. He said and he lies right to you and so senicer you believe him he makes you believe it. I said well this he can’t lie to me about I know too much I know what I found and I know what he has been doing I don’t believe for a minute he don’t have a problem.

He asked where his boys were and how they were doing. I told him he signed them up. He was floored and asked who had them. I said their mom and grandparents. He said he said how much he hated them and he didn’t want his boys to go to them and how they treated the littlest one. I said yes they did because I seen that for myself. But his new girl didn’t want them around they wouldn’t call her mommy and where bad. She made him get rid of them. I said funny he hated Paul and his wife and his ex wife and didn’t want them to have the boys. I said we couldn’t make a move without their approval when we were together. I said that and moving were our only problems. He asked where he was I told him how he seen the baby when she was 4 weeks old said he was moving getting away from her and would get a hold of me about the baby and the next thing I knew he split with her and went back to Tenn. They are in Knoxville now.

Something was said about father of the year. I said yeah when RC came home and did what he did put me and my kids out in the street and me 15 weeks or so pregnant I had to go back to my house I had given up and by then my ex had moved back in it and put a stop to the divorce. I said we are only living in the same house because of circumstances and so that I can get everything taken care of get him to get this divorce over with.

I’m sure the shop was a buzz when I left and today. See that is where RC had just started working not long before we split up. He worked shop and towing so he knows a lot of the guys and still talks to one now and then. Then when father of the year needed a job and things my friends husband the one who sister works there got him this job there. He helped RC get the job there too. They all know each other and things as well. Oh well I am sure he told them a pack of shit just like he told everyone else about me. I am sure father of the year tells them how we are still together just like he thought we were.

Cold Days

Long cold lonely days, turn into even longer colder lonelier nights.

The Joys Of Family

I wrote the other night about my grandma moving back in with us and how she is. Well today my mom calls me in there and tells me that my grandma has decided she is going to go home but isn’t saying when. First off I told her I am not spending time packing her stuff and taking down there. We brought it up here when they moved in and then it went back now we brought it up here again and this time she is going to have to have some of them come get it. She isn’t going to stay and I’m over this back and forth and no one doing anything.

But that means that come the first of March our rent goes to $800 it was supposed to be $400 and light bill. We been paying $500 all the lights and water plus buying anything and everything else that came in the house including food. Now we will be paying $800 plus all that if she leaves. I’m not happy about it. I let them stay with me they paid hardly anything. But also they call their self helping us out. They aren’t helping us out because if they were we wouldn’t be paying so much. I don’t mind helping out but the rent don’t go up or down because we are here. I wouldn’t mind paying the lights and water. But when we are paying everything and then can’t have anything and was lied to from the start it pisses me off.

After she told me this I didn’t say much I told her I had to get a place she wants us to stay here a couple more months if she leaves to help her and so she can work on renting her room. I don’t think we will find anything before sometime in March by the time we get our tax money. I guess we will see. But I didn’t think about it until we went to our storage today I can’t pay all that and pay for my room. There is no room here to bring stuff and I refuse to lose anymore of my stuff I have lost enough. I called and told her I can not pay everything and my storage and that the first of the month I was taking the rent part of my money and paying my storage up with it so that it will be paid the months we are there paying everything. She didn’t like it but like i told her if I move I won’t have to pay that and will have a bigger place my own place and things. If I don’t I will have the room and have to pay it and won’t be able to. She just said she knew.

I figure now it will be that she is going to stay and all this. I am still taking my money for February and paying it up. Because she could leave at anytime. I will tell her that if she don’t leave then I will give her and extra $100 to pay toward it or I may must tell her that I will give her $400 when I move if she don’t go and is still here and we don’t end up paying all of everything. But I can’t pay her because she is here and then her up and leave.

My mom has been sick and hurt her back now she needs both knees replaced from where she fell down so she hasn’t been able to work. If she hadn’t lied and we hadn’t come over here when we did she wouldn’t have been able to keep this place. If we all leave now she won’t. She don’t want to go stay with us where ever we go because she don’t like the area where I want to move. I don’t know what she is going to do but they better figure it out I hope to have something by the middle of March still anyway. If I can work it how I want I will be able to get me and the kids something with out anyone staying with me. Then father of the year can stay here with her and I can be done with it. It may sound harsh but after all the shit she has done and the way she dose I can’t help it anymore.

Way To Go

Ok last post before I go to bed. I have to brag and say how proud I am of my big girl and by big boy. They both go their report cards today and they both got all A’s and B’s for A/B honor roll. This is their second report card for the year and the second time getting it for both of them this year.

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