Confession # 2

The last person on your mind before you close your eyes at night is either the reason for your happiness or pain.

Ironic they can be the reason for your happiness and your pain all at the same time. I still think about RC all the time. Really how couldn’t I when I look at my peanut everyday. She reminds me of him and her brothers. To me she looks just like them. Everyone says she looks like me but I see them through and through. Their eye and mouth and the looks she gives. Most of my friends and family only seen him a few times some of them none when we were together. We didn’t go around my family a lot. They always had father of the year around and thought I was wrong for leaving him and didn’t want to give RC a chance. I don’t see or talk to my family much any way so it wasn’t anything new really.

Anyhow I have to say he made me happier than I had been in years when we were together. And even though I wasn’t ready for her I am so thrilled and happy with my baby girl and love watching her and the kids together. He gave me one of the greatest things ever in her.

He has also been a big cause of my pain and hurt since everything has happen. He has made me feel hurt, depressed empty, sad mad and stupid. Really stupid for still caring about him and still loving him. Stupid for thinking about him and wondering how he is doing and if he is ok. Stupid for wanting to talk to him. I don’t know why I don’t know what I would say. Stupid for wondering how he feels and if he ever thinks of me and her. If he ever wishes he was back here instead of there.

I feel stupidest for feeling and wondering all that, after all that he did and has done and is doing by not being here for our baby girl and our family that we had. For what our daughter is going to go through growing up with out knowing her dad. For all that she is and going to miss out on with him. I wonder when I look at her hold her and play with her if he ever thinks about her and how it is will and could effect her in life. I wonder if he dose if he even cares. When I think about it all it makes me mad all that he has done but I still can’t stop thinking about him.

I know it isn’t all him I know a lot of it has to do with how low he is feeling about himself and the things he has done. The situation he has let her put him in the hold the addiction and depression have on him.

I know to another reason I think about it so much is because, I went a few months ago to the court house and got paperwork for paternity custody and support. I think I may have said that in another post not sure. So it makes me wonder how he is going to be when he gets served with the papers. Plus the fact that I have to find him so I have a address to have him served and I need to know where he is working so that I can show that he is for the support. Plus it would probably be better to have him served at work so that she don’t get the papers and do something with them or try to say that he don’t live there. Because if I can’t find him they won’t do nothing until we figure out where he is. it really sucks. 

So that is my confession I am still in love with RC even after all the shit he has done. Yes I know it is stupid but we really have no control over our feelings. Like I tell father of the year you can’t just turn them on and off like a light switch they are what they are.