{January 30, 2014}   Happy Birthday

My oldest turns 10 today. To be honest it seems like forever ago that I was calling the doctor and going to the hospital. But then I look at her and think 10 already where has the time gone and think about all we have been through. Wonder what the next 10 years will bring. 

We have middle school, boy n dating, not to minchen high school driving dances jobs and all the other fun stuff. I wonder what its going to be like getting her through it all. Our relationship is ok. It could be better thats for sure. I want her to beable to come to me and talk to me and trust me. I dont know what it is I have never felt a strong bond between me and her. I remeber when i had her I was a long time before i ever reslly felt any kind of bond or conection between us. I really think it had a lot to do with labor and delivery. I feel horrible and want to change things but honestly I really dont know how. I hate it because I want to have that mother daughter relationship with her. I know she feels I treat the other kids different but I dont. She says she gets in trouble more and things but she is the one who dose things to get in trouble. The boys are like bumps on logs they dont do much. Im not going to let her get a way with everything to make her like me or want to have a better relationship. How ever you want to say it like may not be the right word. I am her mom not her best friend she isnt going to like everything all the time. 

I think part of it is like i was talking about before with family curses and things too. My mom is but isnt close with her mom. My aunt the oldest isnt close and they hardly speak. My grandmas mom didnt treat her to good and she ended up living with her grandma. It just seems no matter how much I try or what I do things dont change. 

I just pray that one day things will change and that right now she has the best 10Th birthday ever. She is at school right now. I tried and tried to get her to stay home she wanted no part of it. I told her it was raining wet cold nasty out and it was her bday she should snuggle in her bed sleep in and enjoy her day. She said no she wanted to go. I am taking her cupcakes tomorrow to have with her GSP class. She rather do it with them tomorrow. than her regular class today. 

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