My Favorite Child

Do you have a favorite child? Mine use to ask me who my favorite was when they were little. I had no clue how to answer that. I don’t really have a favorite I love them all the same and try to treat them all fair and never really thought about a favorite. I do think boys are easier than girls but they aren’t my favorite. I don’t know what made me say it but one day one of them said something about favorite and I just said your my favorite insert child’s name.
Every since then whenever we talk or I’m playing with them or when I tell them I love them I always tell them your my favorite big boy or my favorite whatever one I am talking to their name. Sometimes they will smile big and say really I am your favorite whatever. My oldest son said I’m your only boy           . I just said your right just makes it that more special because there won’t be another you so therefor you don’t have to ever worry about me having  another favorite    . He said yeah I guess your right and went on.  

Few & Far Between

I know I haven’t been posting much again but I just really haven’t had anything to post about. Well I have had lots to post about but mostly vents and rants. I do a lot of the two here sometimes it helps to just get it out and let it go. But lately I haven’t felt the need to do that. I’m not really sure why other than the fact that I am no longer trying to keep the peace, be nice, ignoring them, or anything else. Because that is what I had been doing just to keep from fighting to keep from getting into everything and to keep from dealing with them at all. I would just listen walk a way and hold everything inside. I got tired of feeling stressed out and like I was walking on egg shells and bending over backwards to keep from looking like the bitch or being talked about like dirt behind my back. I decided that I wasn’t doing it anymore. If someone said something I was going to have my say if they didn’t like it and wanted to keep on then that’s what we would do. Because it don’t matter what I do or don’t do they still make shit up about me treat me like shit make me out to be the bitch and the one in the wrong. Have all my life nothing is going to change it why keep being stressed over it for no reason and being nice to back stabbers and users. I may as well give them what they give me and if they don’t like it to bad. What is she going to do tell me to leave? Oh wait I forgot she did the other day. She told me I needed to have my friend come and get me. I don’t know why she thought I needed to have her come and get me. I have a truck and I am capable of taking care of myself. But then when I came home she was just as nice as could be acted as if nothing ever happen. Since I haven’t been holding it all in I haven’t felt the need to vent or rant. I have felt pretty good really. I have felt more positive and happier for a little while now. I wrote about it here (  Feeling Alive ) when I first started to just feel better. I was stressed being here but not the stress and depression that had set in. Now I don’t feel any of the stress. I feel like I am finally a wake from a sleep I have been in for years. I said before that when me and RC got together I felt like I was living again and like I had to learn to live all over again. I felt like I had been so isolated from the world for so long and like it was passing me by. It was just me and the kids dropped into another life. Then everything happen with me and RC and I went into an even deeper depression and isolation than I had been before. I really and truly felt like I was die. There is no other way to explain it than I felt I was just going to lay down go to sleep and never wake up again and I was really pretty ok with that. I was so heartbroken over what happen I was angry and enraged over what happen. I was pissed off and mad at myself for what happen and what I put my kids through. I couldn’t come to terms with being pregnant and what life was going to be like for my baby and bringing another life into such a horrible mess and ruining another life before it was even here. I felt like the lowest of the low. I still struggle with somethings from time to time but not near as bad as I did. Then I was right back in isolation again, back into the stress and dealing with so much stuff I wasn’t ready to deal with. I felt like i wasn’t living again. I felt like I was just hear and didn’t really know what was going on just going through the motions to get through the day. Then I had that peace and calm feeling come over me and I have truly felt a lot better about everything. Just the stress of being here and even it I just kind of ignored. I now feel like I want to do things and that I have the energy to do them. Not just I want to do them but I have no energy to get up and get them done. I wanted to do them and wanted them done so bad I just had no desire to do them. No energy to make myself do them and no reason to because I had no fight left in me to get them done even if I started them. I know feel like I have it all back and that I can do anything again. I’m ready to take on the world. I could have a lot more done since I wrote the above post, but I have been trying to do everything the best I can and make sure everything is right and it is the right time to do it. I don’t want to have to fight once I start something. But if I do I want to know that I am ready for whatever is thrown at me. I want to make sure I have the time and means to take care of anything that comes up and to be able to get it done in a timely manner not let it drag out like it has because I get desc urged by other stuff. With all that I haven’t had much to write about because I have found other ways to deal with things that are going on. I have still been writing about the good things but they are few and far between right now. I would rather have them be few and far between than just whatever just because I need a post.

Take The Money And Run

All hell has broke lose the last week and has really got me to thinking about life and the future for me and the kids. It has been a while coming I have truly gotten to the point that I really just don’t care and haven’t been holding back when it comes to stuff around here. Thursday night and Friday morning it all blew up. I went to find a motel room but with the Daytona 500 there was nothing open for the week. It was the only way I could afford to get anything was pay for the week rather and a night or two here and there. So we are still here but trying to figure out what to do by Friday before we have to pay rent again here. I really want to go get a motel room but I hate to do that to the kids. But I know they don’t like it here either other than my daughter she would stay here because she gets treated like a princess and like she is the only one here. But that’s a post in of it’s self.

I am thinking that the best thing for me and my kids as for right now and to have a better future and not end up in this same spot again is to just get out of here now why we can. I think that when tax money comes we need to take it and get out of here. We keep saying we are going to save money and go or go when school gets out this year or that and it never happens. I bought my house almost 7 years ago not to keep and live in forever but as an investment. Something to put a little work into and turn around and sell. I had $50,000 in equity when I closed on it.  If everything hadn’t of happen the way it did and we were able to put the work in it and sell it we were going to take that money and move then. We figured we would have a good amount to go somewhere start over and buy a nice place or at least pay a good amount down on one.

My mom always says she wants to go she has since we were little but never has. Every year she says she is going to go and lets go but then she never dose. My dad has always said if we find a place then he will come. I have my sister and her family and things here I didn’t really want to leave them or my grandparents either. They all say they want to go but they never do anything to go. It seems every time I think I have the money to go something happens I end up having to spend it for a car or to fix on or on bills and don’t have it. Father of the year would come up with some excuse not to go.

I been talking to father of the year and I really don’t feel like I have anything worth staying here for anymore other than friends and I can’t stay because of friends. Because they can up and do who knows what at the drop of a hat depending on what changes  in their life. I can come back and see them and they can always come see me. They are more than welcome anytime and can stay with me. I have hardly talked to my sister the last couple years and we had it out a while back because the only time you hear from her anymore is when she calls and says can you give me a ride now to where ever. Then gets mad if you don’t drop everything and do it. My mom I am just done with and over she makes it miserable and impossible to live with or even want to live close too. I use to not care if she wanted to move somewhere where we went. But honestly anymore I don’t want her to live anywhere close to me. She is another one who uses’s all the time. I am tired of being used and treated like shit by everyone. It’s sad to say that it is family who are the ones who are the worse and do it all the time. I use to hate the idea of my kids not growing up with family around. I had all my family on my moms side and my step dads side around loved it. But our family has not been close and I hardly talk to any of them at all other than the ones that want to use and cause problems and that is the only reason I hear from them. They want something or they are causing problems. I would rather my kids not have their family around than to grow up to be like them.

I would like to wait until school is out in May but I am having such problems here with things and with my daughters school that I am really thinking of going the beginning of April. If I withdraw her and tell them we are moving the days she is not there won’t count against her. I can take her and put her back in school when we get there. I hate to take my son out and normally would wait until the end of the year. But if we decide to do this we need to do it right now and it is going to be better for everyone in the long run. It is only about 6 weeks of school that will be left, maybe 8 or 10 where we end up. That will let them get use to things a little and meet some kids before summer starts and they know no one. Let them feel the school out before started brand new the next year as well. If it wasn’t so close and only a few weeks left I wouldn’t do it that way. I may even just home school them the last month. I have to talk to them and decide.

I don’t plan to tell anyone what we are doing until a few days or week before we go. Once we know for sure we are going and at that point it don’t matter what anyone says or dose I’m not changing my mind or staying here if that is what we decide we are doing. I know my mom will have a fit because she wants to get out of here to so she says still. I said the other day I would like to just get my money and leave now and forget it all. She said then she wouldn’t have no money to go on then. I just didn’t say anything to her. Her and my grandma are staying together they could go. My grandma gets her SS and retirement and rents are a lot cheaper than what she is paying here most places we are looking. But they are not going to be staying with me or me with them.

I told father of the year we wait we are never going to have money to go. We can’t find decent jobs or any jobs here really as it is. What we do find all goes to rent and bills not any left to save. We should get about $8,000 back. I will get the money I get the first of each month and he will get at least two checks this month. Plus the first of the month will be here again when we are ready to leave so I will have my check again.

We will have about $7500 in our pocket when we get there. That is with paying all the bills this month renting a truck to put all our stuff in and paying the gas on it and my truck. Then I will have checks coming the first of March. I will get mine and he should have a week or two pay coming. At least a week maybe two.

I want to research some areas now pick out a few we think look good and then research places to live and jobs. I want to spend the next month calling around talking to people. Explain everything to them that we are coming from out of state that we want to have something lined up to move into when we get there. Make sure that we have at least two places that say yes no problem we can pull into town do the paper work and unload. Would like to have more like 4 in different areas of the same town lined up.

That way when we get into town we can check them all out decide what one we like the best and move in. This way we aren’t paying for motel rooms when we get there and rent on the truck for days we don’t need it or storage. I am also going to be looking at jobs in the areas and applying for some to try to line something up so that I can go to work as soon as we get up there. I am going to try to line it up so that I go back about a week maybe two after I get up there. Give me time to get the house put together and settle in before I start a new job in a new place. Give the kids time to adjust. And figure out the school thing. It will take a lot of what I have left when we get there but I want to pay the rent up as far as I can when we get there. That way if I don’t find a job right a way I won’t have to worry to much about it. I will have my check coming each month to pay bills and things. I also plan to pay half the rent each month so that it stays a little ahead. Then when I get a job I want to pay so much out of each check depending on if I get paid weekly or by weekly. So that the rent is always ahead and paid by the first. I just feel better doing it that way. Even if I don’t pay it but just buy money orders so that I can’t dip into it and spend it and send them all out the first.

I figure if I do it this way then I should have a pretty good chance of making it once we are there. If I can have a place lined up to go right into and pay ahead and hopefully have a job lined up or get one shortly after getting there. I hope to have my divorce over by then so I will be getting that money too. I am not going to go after baby girls dad until I get moved because I have been told that if I go after him here and he stops paying that once I get somewhere else I have to start it over. FL won’t go after him because I am not here and the other state will not enforce another states order. I am going to check more into it and see if it is true for sure. But I also know that it will take me longer than a month to get him found served and in court so it will really be a waste of time to even start it if I am really leaving in a month or so. I am not really worried about it I have went this long with out it I will make due until I get it if it means we will be better off in the long run. Right now I think we will. The jobs pay more than here by $2 and hour most of them. The rents are lower and comparable to here. The only difference is other places we could have a bigger nicer place for the same money we pay here. Even for less than what we pay here we could have a nice place. Now the research begins. I have to look up all the little towns and things see what rents are like jobs and schools and try to pick the best one out of them all. It is so hard doing it online and not knowing anything about these places. I want something small but not supper small. I don’t want to drive 30 miles to work everyday but I don’t want to be in big area. I want to be out of town.

I also want to do it why father of the year is on board with letting us move and willing to help us get our stuff there. This way he can’t go to court and try to stop it or make me come back. Because here he can go to court and make me stay here because of the kids so he can see them. But if he is willing to let me go and helps get our stuff there if he tries to then go back and try to make me come home I don’t think it will work. They are going to look at him and say if you cared and didn’t want them to go then why would you help them get there and get all their stuff there.

Anyone in GA? What area? How are schools, jobs, rents, and crime?

8 Kids + 4 Dogs =

A great weekend! My friend who is always there for me and my kids and who has helped us anytime we need it said the other day at my daughters bday they were going away for V Day without the kids. I told her if she needed someone to watch them I would come up and do it. They had already asked someone but wasn’t sure they were going to do it. Last weekend she asked me if I still wanted to do it so I told her sure. Our kids have been asking forever since we both moved when they could sleep over together. Boy it is a job to pack 4 kids stuff for two days you need so little and so much at the sametime when taking the baby along it is insane really.

She took two of hers to her moms for the weekend they wanted to see them and spend sometime with them. Her one can be a handful by herself but I think she has learned that I don’t play and when I say something I don’t change my mind like her mom and dad. She hasn’t gave me a problem really anymore. But when we all lived by each other I took her sister home with me for about a week and she asked to come. I told her no and when she asked why I told her you don’t listen to me when I am here watching you and you laugh and think it is funny I do not let kids who behave like that come to my house and play or spend the night. Your sister is always good and dose what I ask her and she don’t laugh at me and ignore me if she gets in trouble. She kept begging please please and I didn’t back down I left her there. Since then she has been pretty good. But she has been having problems since they moved and she wanted to give her others a break from them too so she took them there.

It worked out nice I had my 10 month old two 3 year olds two 8 year olds and two 10 year olds and a 13 year old. They all played with their friend and they all wanted to play with the baby, the 13 year old helped out with all of them. They all had a blast.

We didn’t do a lot the Friday night can’t really remember what we did other than do dinner and baths. They played and played with the dog that showed up and ended up staying the night with us. As my friend and her husband walked out the door to leave this English bull dog came running up, he had been there before someone wanted to know if it was theirs. I was able to get her down and look she had a tag it had a address and phone number. The address we weren’t sure where it was they just moved there it wasn’t close there. I seen the number he called and they guy said he was out of town and wouldn’t be back until the morning. I told them if they didn’t care I didn’t she could stay on the back porch til they came to get her. So that is what we did. We all wanted to keep her she was so friendly and playfull. She didn’t have enough dog food for her dogs and it so I gave her pizza that we had for dinner she was really happy. She played with the kids through the door. I felt so bad for her she was so smelly and had fleas. I wanted to bath her but it was to cool and they picked her up before I got to the next day. We had to shuffle them all around to let her dogs out and keep them apart. The 3 year olds opened the back door and let her in and ran so they were all running through the house laughing and playing. She shot past the baby and she took off crawling after her as fast as she could go.

Saturday night was a lot of fun I think it was the best night. I took them out to play for a hour or so then we went in. Why I made dinner they got baths. Then they did karaoke and danced all around the bedroom and livingroom for hours. After that they sat up until two in the morning playing monopoly. I keep falling asleep around midnight on. I finally got up about 1:30 and told them to count their stuff who ever had the most won and to put it a way we weren’t staying up any later playing. But it was nice they all slept in until 11.

I felt so bad when we were getting in the truck to leave. My boys were telling me they didn’t want to go home they didn’t like it at home they wanted to stay there. They really don’t like it here and the way things are. My oldest ask me all the time when we are moving and having our own place. my baby boy cried when I put him in the truck and made him come. He keep telling me I don’t like your home I am staying here.

I got to get on the ball and get this paper work done so we can get out of here. I want to do it it’s just so much to figure out and I have to do it with the kids. I have to keep stopping and doing stuff and coming back. I can’t just sit and think about what i have to do and what I am filling out. I think I am going to take it to my friends this week she can help with the kids I can look it over get it done and call around to the places I need to. I really was so nice being there and not here with my mom and father of the year. Even with 8 kids to take care of it was way more laid back and relaxed. I had a good time.

It was good for my friend to get a way and just relax too. Her brother passed away in expectantly this week and she has been dealing with that and family that is less than helpful. He was out of town seeing other family of his so they have to wait for everything to be done there before they can bring him home and do anything. I really thought they probably wasn’t going because of it but her husband so no they were going she needed to get away from everything and just get her mind off of it. She has been a mess and it is starting to affect the kids. Please pray for her and her family.

RE: Do Guys Really Think

I didn’t hear anything from this one almost all day Wednesday. Even when I sent him a message he didn’t respond. Then about 9 that night I got a message from his girlfriend. She said she just wanted to let me know that X I was talking to had a wife and 3 kids and one on the way. That she didn’t know what I was trying to do with the conversation we were having but she thought it needed to stop.

I already knew he had her that he had 3 kids so he said and didn’t want anymore. But I knew they had one on the way as well. Even though he didn’t tell me. I couldn’t decide how to respong back to her. I sent him a message and said a girlfriend 3 kids and one on the way thought you didn’t want anymore? I finally responded back to her later when I was able to sit down and think about what I wanted to respond and make it sound like I wanted.

I said: I’m not trying to do anything and did not mean anything by anything that was said. He made it very clear when something was said about a wife that he was not married but had a girlfriend. Said you all had been together for 8 years. I told him that long gf/wife same thing. He told me he was interested I told him I was not and he had a gf I wasn’t like that I’m not going to mess with anyone who was with someone else. I told him we could be friends and that was it. He has made comments I tell him he has a gf and I’m not looking to be with anyone or to even be talking to someone with anything in mind or thinking it may turn into more even. Just like when he keeps asking me to meet him I tell him no. There is no reason for us to meet at all. I tell him then he has you he is going to piss you off. The conversation really was nothing at all. Just that sorry it bothered you its not anything I wouldn’t talk to any of my other friends about male or female gf or wife. We all are just very open and talk about anything and everything. Like I said I am not interested or looking. If I was looking he wouldn’t even be on the list. I don’t want somebody that is going to sit here and tell me he has a gf talks shit behind her back and tries to get with someone else. He does it to you he going to do it to the next one. Or stay with you and keep doing it. It isnt going to be me. I can do better than that. I told him I’m not looking for what he has to offer.

She never said anything back at all. I was going to tell her if she didn’t want us talking that was fine with me I didn’t have a problem with it. I figured she was going to get nasty or something but nothing. I hadn’t heard anything back from him either until yesterday.

He sends me a message that says so i guess your mad at me right? I said no why would you say that? He says because you haven’t talk to me in days. I told him I send you X messages through the day wednesday and didn’t get a response so I figured you weren’t allowed to talk anymore I wasn’t going to get into all that. He said no. I said something about her and that she sent me a message. He swears he didn’t know anything about it but I really don’t believe him. I don’t know. I sent him what she said and everything and he said sorry and he didn’t know anything about it. That she has guy friends too so she can’t really say anything about it blah blah. I don’t really care. He said he was going to have to start erasing our conversations. I am not sure how she found out we were talking or what we were talking about. Because I would think that if she had seen what all was said she would have been pissed off from the stuff that he had said. I know if it was my old man I would have been really pissed about the stuff he had said not what we were talking about. Unless she didn’t read all of it for some reason. Oh well I don’t know and am not worried about it. We are friends and that is it I really am not interested in anything with him. If she has a problem with it then that is something she needs to take up with him.

Re: My Disapointed Rock

The other day I posted about the kids being in the Stars Of Tomorrow program at our local playhouse and how my son wanted nothing more than to be a monkey in the Jungle Book. He ended up with the part of a rock of all things  My Disappointed Rock.

Well I think it was Wednesday evening I got a call from the Drama Mamma as they call her wanting a private meeting to talk about my son. I had plans for yesterday so I told them to make it today. Me and the little ones went to meet with her.

She said that when she got to the rocks and called his name he stood up and said he wanted to be a Monkey not no rock and started to cry. I felt so bad for him listening to her talk about it. Then she said everyone got quite and was just looking and didn’t say anything. Then she told me how she had the other person take him out and talk to him and things. She said he came over later told her he was sorry but he just really wanted to be a monkey and he started to get upset again. She said she had never had that happen all her life doing this with kids and that the kids are happy to have a part and be in the play. But she probably hasn’t dealt with special needs kids either doing this. She did say and I didn’t agree with that he didn’t seem to really get into his part in the christmas program and he didn’t seem to be singing and doing the movements and things. I remember watching and thinking he did really good considering he hadn’t done it before with that many people and on a stage with that many people watching and things. He of course messed up a little here or there but all the kids did and I didn’t think he did horrible or worse than any of the kids. I thought they all did good and were on about the same level.

She said she didn’t know about keeping him in because he still didn’t do his lines or sing with them when they started rehursing their parts. He just wasn’t into it. She said she didn’t want to push him and keep him in she was afraid it would be bad for his self-esteem and things and do more harm than good for him. She said she was willing to give him a couple of weeks and see if he came around and how he did. She also didn’t want him being so upset and in such a bad mood about being a rock to effect the other kids and I understand that. I told her I wanted to talk to him and see where he was on it all and see about sending him the next couple weeks and see how it worked.

I don’t want him to quit just because he didn’t get what he wanted but at the same time I don’t want him to stay and make everyone else feel awkward or unhappy because he is. If he really don’t want to do it then I will take him out. She said he could come back in a year or so when he gets a little bigger and understands it better if he wanted.

I talk to him tonight and he was still upset about being a rock. But then when I told him they were going to ask him to leave or I was going to take him out if he didn’t straighten up and do right he looked scared. He said he didn’t want to get kicked out and not be able to go. He would be a rock and do his part. He said besides rocks get to stay on stage for all the play. So we shall see how it goes. She also explained to me why he didn’t get the part of the money. I explained to him why he didn’t get it. He said it was stupid and all this. They have to dace and things. I told him he could leave stars and do dance so that if he wanted to get back in it later he would have dance and could maybe get other parts that must dance. He said no at first then he said yes. Then later when we talked about it he said he wants to stay in stars.

Do Guys Really Think

I have been talking to this guy online he is a friend of friends. I thought he was someone else when I first started talking to him. But then figured out he wasn’t. But we have been talking anyway. He’s one of them I know of we have been the same places at the same time never really talked. We have here and there comments online that’s it really. When I figured out it wasn’t who I thought it was I didn’t want to be rude so we just been talking. His girlfriend is a teacher at the daycare my youngest went to for a little bit last year before I had the baby. But I really don’t know her either.

Anyways we have only been talking for a week and he has already made it very clear that he is not married. That he did that once and wasn’t doing it again. That this is only his girlfriend and that they have been together off and on for 8 years. Sometimes he just wants to give up and walk a way even though that is probably bad to say. I just said no not bad to say but there isn’t much you can’t work out if both people want it to last and really work at it. He said yeah he knows.

We were talking about the kids I said something about having three boys didn’t he want to try for a girl. He made some kind of comment. I asked him if he wanted more kids he says no. But from what friends say and looking on his girlfriends page she is pregnant and going to be finding out what she is having anytime now. So that would mean she is about half way through her pregnancy. But it also seen someone said something about them and it sounded as if they hadn’t been together and just got back together. I am trying to figure out if it is his or whats going on there. I haven’t said anything to him about it yet. I am going to though. Just waiting for the right time.

I asked him a couple times what happen to his wife and who she was. He didn’t answer. Then he said he had a question so I said ok and answered him. I said now I have one why you keep ignoring mine? He finally answered me and said that he caught her cheating on him 5 times. I said oh 1 would have been enough for me. He said I guess I was stupid. He still never told me who she was.

He made it clear he was interested and wants to meet me and hang out. I told him we aren’t hanging out or anything you have a girlfriend. He says it be all right. I said no it won’t I’m sure she wouldn’t like it. He says she won’t care besides we are going through a rough patch right now anyway. I said not happening. He just keeps talking. He told me how it had been a while since he got any. Talking about sex, I said well stop making her mad and everything be alright. He said why is it always the guys fault? How we could help each other out no strings attached. I said yeah not happening. Besides I have a friend and a couple standing offers if I really wanted to.

But really do guys really not think before they talk to women? What women is going to want you when you are sitting here talking to her and trying to get with her behind your girlfriends back? And she knows you have a girlfriend and are doing this behind her back. You don’t even hide the fact that your with someone. Who wants to rush right out and sleep with you when they don’t even know you? Just makes his self sound desperate and a pig.

I don’t remember having lying cheating unemployed guy who’s in trouble and almost twice my age at the top of my list or even on it when I was thinking about someone I might like to be with.

I really just don’t get guys sometimes. They clearly are thinking with the wrong head most of the time I think.

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