I know I haven’t been posting much again but I just really haven’t had anything to post about. Well I have had lots to post about but mostly vents and rants. I do a lot of the two here sometimes it helps to just get it out and let it go. But lately I haven’t felt the need to do that. I’m not really sure why other than the fact that I am no longer trying to keep the peace, be nice, ignoring them, or anything else. Because that is what I had been doing just to keep from fighting to keep from getting into everything and to keep from dealing with them at all. I would just listen walk a way and hold everything inside. I got tired of feeling stressed out and like I was walking on egg shells and bending over backwards to keep from looking like the bitch or being talked about like dirt behind my back. I decided that I wasn’t doing it anymore. If someone said something I was going to have my say if they didn’t like it and wanted to keep on then that’s what we would do. Because it don’t matter what I do or don’t do they still make shit up about me treat me like shit make me out to be the bitch and the one in the wrong. Have all my life nothing is going to change it why keep being stressed over it for no reason and being nice to back stabbers and users. I may as well give them what they give me and if they don’t like it to bad. What is she going to do tell me to leave? Oh wait I forgot she did the other day. She told me I needed to have my friend come and get me. I don’t know why she thought I needed to have her come and get me. I have a truck and I am capable of taking care of myself. But then when I came home she was just as nice as could be acted as if nothing ever happen. Since I haven’t been holding it all in I haven’t felt the need to vent or rant. I have felt pretty good really. I have felt more positive and happier for a little while now. I wrote about it here (  Feeling Alive ) when I first started to just feel better. I was stressed being here but not the stress and depression that had set in. Now I don’t feel any of the stress. I feel like I am finally a wake from a sleep I have been in for years. I said before that when me and RC got together I felt like I was living again and like I had to learn to live all over again. I felt like I had been so isolated from the world for so long and like it was passing me by. It was just me and the kids dropped into another life. Then everything happen with me and RC and I went into an even deeper depression and isolation than I had been before. I really and truly felt like I was die. There is no other way to explain it than I felt I was just going to lay down go to sleep and never wake up again and I was really pretty ok with that. I was so heartbroken over what happen I was angry and enraged over what happen. I was pissed off and mad at myself for what happen and what I put my kids through. I couldn’t come to terms with being pregnant and what life was going to be like for my baby and bringing another life into such a horrible mess and ruining another life before it was even here. I felt like the lowest of the low. I still struggle with somethings from time to time but not near as bad as I did. Then I was right back in isolation again, back into the stress and dealing with so much stuff I wasn’t ready to deal with. I felt like i wasn’t living again. I felt like I was just hear and didn’t really know what was going on just going through the motions to get through the day. Then I had that peace and calm feeling come over me and I have truly felt a lot better about everything. Just the stress of being here and even it I just kind of ignored. I now feel like I want to do things and that I have the energy to do them. Not just I want to do them but I have no energy to get up and get them done. I wanted to do them and wanted them done so bad I just had no desire to do them. No energy to make myself do them and no reason to because I had no fight left in me to get them done even if I started them. I know feel like I have it all back and that I can do anything again. I’m ready to take on the world. I could have a lot more done since I wrote the above post, but I have been trying to do everything the best I can and make sure everything is right and it is the right time to do it. I don’t want to have to fight once I start something. But if I do I want to know that I am ready for whatever is thrown at me. I want to make sure I have the time and means to take care of anything that comes up and to be able to get it done in a timely manner not let it drag out like it has because I get desc urged by other stuff. With all that I haven’t had much to write about because I have found other ways to deal with things that are going on. I have still been writing about the good things but they are few and far between right now. I would rather have them be few and far between than just whatever just because I need a post.

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