{March 24, 2014}   Nothing Can Ever Be Easy

Or go as it should. Got everything set up to move paid got keys and killed myself to pretty much move everything alone this weekend to now not be able to move in until next weekend. Now that all my stuff is there beds and all. I guess someone who lived there before didn’t pay the bill so now I have to have all the deposit money upfront to get the lights turned on and I don’t have it until Friday.

Everything is paid up til May just got to pay the light and water deposit but won’t have money til Friday. Most the time they will give you 10 days to pay it in but now they say no it has to be paid first it dont’ matter who turns it on. I am so aggravated the kids are all upset and in moods. We were supposed to be in Sat and had to wait until today when we could get them to turn the stuff on. Then to find this out. We wanted to spend spring break in our new house now we get to spend it here with all the bs. Punish me for something someone else done. I can’t force the owner to keep the power on until we rent it. Feel like half set forward and 12 back. I am so tired and wore out from this weekend I just want to cry. I could have waited on a lot of stuff and been able to do some stuff with the kids why they were on break. But no we were going to have our new house we were going to do stuff there. Now we can’t do anything but sit here. they want us out.

{March 14, 2014}   I Think I’m Ready

I think I’m ready to start dating again. But defiantly doing things different this time around. This time around I’m going to take things way slower. Not getting into a relationship right a way. I’m going to explore my options more.

If/when I get into another relationship I’m still going to take things slow. They are just going to have to understand or move on. I have been through too much and put my kids through too much. I feel like my life has been on hold since I met RC. Right now it’s about getting my life back and achieving the things I want to before it’s to late.

I don’t expect them to just hang out and wait or just be there when I have time. That isn’t fair or right either. I plan to find a balance with everything and to be there for every one and thing as they need. But this time I have to keep things up and follow through with what I plan to do and need to do.

Things can’t be like they became when I got married to father of the year or with RC. I had plans to go back to school and things when I met father of the year and we ended up getting married. Once we did then I had my daughter and things just kind of got put on hold from there. I went and done my massage school but that wasn’t really what I wants to do and I heard about it the 7 months I was in there.

When I finally got a way from father of the year I decided I wanted to go back to school and work, I just wanted to get a job get the kids settled and things like that. Then I met RC. I still planed to do all that. But with things the way they were I was trying to wait for us to get a bigger place and kids settled. And we all know how that went.

This time no matter what happens my plans and things are coming first. I’m not going to put things on hold again to just maybe be screwed in the end when something “better” comes along.

{March 13, 2014}   I Was Robbed

I was robbed of being able to enjoy my pregnancy. I was robbed of having the labor and delivery I so wanted, with the person I wanted to be there. I was robbed of the family I loved more than life it’s self. I was robbed of a father for my daughter. I was robbed of the one and only person on this earth that I love as much as my kids. I was robbed of the one person I have truly been happy with in many many years. I was robbed of the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was robbed of my partner my best friend my true other half. I was robbed of my soul mate.

I wasn’t robbed by someone with a gun. I wasn’t robbed by someone with a knife. I wasn’t robbed by a car accident. I wasn’t robbed by some horrible illness. I wasn’t robbed by an injury. I wasn’t robbed by some freak accident.

I was robbed by something very simple. I was robbed by something of all different sizes. I was robbed by something of many different shapes. I was robbed by something of many different colors. I was robbed by something that goes by many different names. I was robbed by something that’s in just about any given home.

I was robbed by pills! I was robbed by addiction!

{March 13, 2014}   Disappointed Not Surprised

I said in my other post I had been hanging out with a new friend and we been talking getting to know each other the last week or so. She is a friend of a friend we see each other over there at parties and things. But never really talked about our life and things. mostly just talked in a group and joked. She is the one watching my dog for me until we can have her again.

We went to breakfast and the flea market then took the kids to lunch last week and were talking. She was telling me stuff that the friend we met through had told her about me and things going on and about things between me and RC. A lot of it was untrue and didn’t happen the way she told her at all. I told her that and she even said when she was telling me that some of it didn’t make since to her when she was telling her it. She thinks my friend had a crush on RC and was kind of trying to make him look good in all this or what. It really bothers me and upsets me. That she would do that and then act the way she dose to my face. But at the same time it really don’t surprise me because you can’t hardly trust anyone anymore. This was the one I let be there with me when I had my daughter. I really don’t think she is lieing about what she told me because it wasn’t like she just came out and started telling me. We were talking about my divorce and how things were between father of the year and what happen with me and RC. She started saying what and that isn’t what I heard and was told at all. I had said something about yeah that is what pills will do to you and things. She had no clue about that. She was told that DCF was about to be called on us because things we didn’t and didn’t do. The people she was told was there and going to do all this stuff wasn’t even in the picture didn’t know anything that was going on or nothing. One person did say they were going to call but not because of anything we did or wasn’t doing. They were just going to call about how many people we had in the house. But there is nothing they could have done about that either they all had beds and things. We were looking at places to rent and it isn’t ok with them if you are homeless with your kids if you can’t afford a place. How could they say that we were in the wrong because we had a place for them it just wasn’t the ideal size and we were looking for a place. The only reason this person was going to call was a control thing. She thought if she said that then we would give her rides everywhere and give her money when ever she wanted it because we would be scared to have them called out there. But she found it didn’t work that way and that it just got her phone calls from someone she really didn’t want to hear from and almost a ass whip-pen from me. The last time she called and said that shit on the machine because we had stopped answering the phone to her. I got up from dinner got my clothes on got my idea and headed to her door. RC stopped me and begged me not to go down there and to let him handle it so I did. Handle it he did she was coming over and calling begging him to fix things and saying she wouldn’t bother us no more.

It just sucks that its like there goes another friend. I am sure I will still talk to her and things because are kids are so very close. But I know we won’t be as close as we were and I won’t feel I can talk to her like I use to about things. It isn’t like she got somethings mixed up or confused even it was just all twisted made up lies.

The other girl also brought something interesting up that I hadn’t even said to her. She was saying how she was friends with her and how close they were supposed to be and things but then how she turned around and is buddy buddy with her ex her kids dad and talks to him and more than her now. She also said that her ex husband that she had only met one time all of a sudden she is friends with and talks to all the time. Then her ex she came back down here with about a year ago who ended up treating her really bad and did all kinds of stuff to her. I was there I know what all happen and the friend I met her through and who told her all this stuff had been telling me how she was helping her and trying to get him locked up and how she as scared of him and scared for her and things. She is now friends with him and talks to him and was trying to tell her all about him and things. She said she found that kind of odd. I do to with that one because she was telling me the same thing she was scared of him and wanted him locked up didn’t like him and blah blah. She said she also thinks that she is giving her number to her one ex because no one has it but her who knows him and he always gets it no time after she changes it. I was thinking about it and I said you know I think she is still talking to RC some way as well just by different things she has said and she use to look at his page even when I didn’t or didn’t bring him up she would all the time and be looking at it. I don’t know why she had no reason too. When he moved it killed her to know where he was living. She went a drove around until she found his house. I was with her one day and she went and found it we drove by and he was sitting out front working on his bike. She was so glad we found it. I also think the fact that anytime we were together and I wanted to stop and say something to him or anything she always had some reason not to. Even her husband said a few times hell yeah I would have stopped to there nothing wrong with it. She oh no this and that. Anytime I say something about him she acts funny and when I say I am going to get someone to look him up get address and things for him she says oh I think I can get that for you but she never dose.

I all so had a problem with someone telling others stuff that wasn’t true and all twisted and things a few different times the last year or so. We were talking about it and she right a way started saying it was my friend J and he husband I had started talking to more and become friends with because I met them from RC and they were his friends first. But I really didn’t believe it and proved some of it wasn’t them but her sister. I know that part of what her sister said had to come from her as well because she don’t even live close and was talking about a bunch of stuff that she wouldn’t even know about. So she has told her some stuff too. I had someone else tell me before you have friends who talk and you be surprised what I can find out or what I know. The stuff they knew wasn’t right either. It was all stuff that I have no idea where it came from or stuff that was twisted and turned into something it really wasn’t.

The more I think about it and the more I hear I am sure it is all coming right from her. The more I think about it the less I really want to have to do with her. I guess I will just have to let it all play out and see where the pieces land. I am not going to say anything yet because the other girl asked me not to say anything about what was said between me and her. She told me stuff about her that wasn’t true either. And made her out to be way worse than she is. But in the end that is how she has made all this out to be that everyone is so much worse off than her or under her and she is so good. But it is all going to come out. I am going to get her to hang herself. Then she can’t say anything or denies it. She can’t get mad at anyone else for saying anything. I love how everyone thinks I’m just so stupid and have no clue what they are doing or won’t find out. A lot I had wondered about for a while but wasn’t to worried about because she don’t know anything to tell anyone that I wouldn’t tell them myself and anyone who knows me knows how things really are. The others do but just like her want to cause problems.

{March 13, 2014}   Going Back To Work

I have been talking to the girl who has been watching our dog for us until we get moved to somewhere we can have her. We went out and took the kids out last week. I hadn’t really talked to her and hung out with her before. She was a friend of a friend and I had seen her at her house and talked to her but just hey how are you the weather is nice joking around. It was nice to get out and talk and get to know each other. Turns out we have a lot in common. I really enjoyed haning out with her and we are going to hang out tomorrow get the kids out of the house.

But I asked her if the place her boyfriend works was looking for drivers she said she didn’t know she would ask him. They are a lot of times. She said he could also get me on this other place probably with no problems if they weren’t because he worked there a really long time and knew them all. He also knows the people who own a few of the restaurants in town and said if the other two places weren’t looking for people he could talk to them and see if they had something and maybe get me on out at one of them. He was supposed to talk to people today and I should find something out when we go out later today. It’s sad that around here it is not about what you know it is about who you know when you are looking for a job.

I would be so great to go back to work and have money coming in. Between what I have now support for my oldest three kids and what I would make working I could get me and the kids a place of our own. She said it would be part time 25-30 hours a week. I had just told father of the year and someone the night before that I wouldn’t mind taking something as long as it was at least 20 or more a week. Full time would be nice but the 25-30 would be ok. I could probably work into full time maybe. But right now it will be good to get use to working again, get the kids use to me working get school and daycare settled and things like that. It is going to be hard on the kids with me going back to work they are so use to me just being here all the time. I am hoping I can talk to my friend J and she will be able to watch the kids and get them to and from school or whatever I need. If not maybe between her and my other friend I can work something out with them. I won’t bring home a lot after I pay a sitter but it will be better than nothing and show that little bit extra I need to show. No one has to know I pay daycare or how much. For all they need to know is that I have friends who split it up and help me because I am a single mom and they are free in the day because they don’t have to work. Praying for lots of good news tomorrow. I would even take two if I could work them around each other and sitters.

{March 13, 2014}   One Step Closer To…..

Being debt free, $5970.50 to be exact. Not bad considering I was about $$8500 give or take in. Didn’t happen under the best way it could have and I really could use the money right now I am ok with it. I’m not stressed and feel that everything is going to be ok.

We filed our taxes last Wednesday and by Friday they said it would be in the bank by Tuesday. I was hoping it would slide through without being caught and just go in since they did it so fast. But it didn’t. I owe student loans. Wait I owed student loans and was in default. I should have taken care of it but really hadn’t felt like it and then just busy. I didn’t know what to tell them either I really didn’t have any money to pay them. I have sat here for months and months without a dime to do anything. Just now starting to get things turned around. When I tried to talk to them all they wanted to hear was that I would send them X amount every month. I couldn’t so I just hadn’t called them back. Well Monday when I checked my taxes it said they had taken the $5970 out for my loans. They are now all paid off. Don’t leave much to move on none to fix my truck or try to buy the one I been looking at or any to start the business I had been working on. But at least I don’t have to worry about it. It least it won’t happen when it is just me and the kid and we may need it more than we do now.

The good new to is I can now go back to school. I can get government grants and loans again. I am going to try to go in next week and see if it is to late to sing up for summer classes online. I’m not taking out anymore loans right now. Just going to do what I can with grants. Then will see what to do with the rest. Maybe closer to the end I may take a few out. But once I finish school I shouldn’t have any problems paying them back. I will get a better job then I have ever had I hope and make decent money.

I the next big thing I have to get paid off is the loan I took out with RC on my truck. It is about two thousand maybe twenty five hundred now I’m sure. I paid and paid on it but after I had the baby I wasn’t able to pay on it. I have had to use that money to pay for stuff for the baby every month. Diapers and things are not free and with no help from RC I been doing it all myself. I am thinking that when I go for support on itty bitty asking them if they can have him help pay the loan back. I don’t know if they will but if they do that will be great every little bit helps. I could take him to court and sue him for it but don’t know if I really want to be bothered with all that. I have to find him and go to court and everything for baby girl and finish court with father of the year over our divorce so I probably won’t even mess with it.

Other than that I have a couple little things here and there that I need to take care of. Then I should have pretty good credit. I will have credit for once that isn’t good or bad or none. I went from none to bad.

et cetera
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