{June 30, 2014}   A Big Desion To Make

My friend J has been in SC for about a month with her kids and grand kids. She got back Friday and I met up with her and her husband at the store tonight and we shopped and talked. As we went in she told me they are moving. They are going to move up there to be closer to their kids. They have no one here but her mom and sister. They aren’t super close. They miss their kids and hate watching their grand kids grow in pictures. They want to be there where they can be grandma and grandpa. I don’t blame them, but I am super sad and upset to see them go.

I told her I wanted to go I been telling her for a while I want to get out of here. She said come. I laughed, she said no really if I wanted to come to come. I told her I would only have my big boy’s SSI check until I could get a job and that I would need someone to watch the kids and things. I would know no one and have no one there. She said she would help me and watch them and things.

Like she said a new start and a new beginning. I want it more than anything. I just don’t know how I would get all my stuff there and to up root the kids on the spear of the moment notice like that. I know father of the year will probably have a fit and try to fight me. I said something to him about it when I got home and he said I want to go. How he didn’t want to be stuck here forever and things. I told him I wasn’t taking him with me. This was a new start for me and the kids and that if he wanted to go he needed to find a way and make it happen. Then he got a call so he didn’t really say anything.

I know my mom and my dad would probably freak out. My mom says all the time she wants out of here but they never go and never do it. I have waited and made plans all my life and waited I have to stop worrying about them and everyone else and just do what is best for me and my family.

If I was going to do it I would have to get on my divorce and get it done. I don’t want it following me and having it to deal with when I get somewhere else. If I get it taken care of before I go I will also have whatever he has to give me for child support to go on and help with things until I get a job.

I want to so bad I just have to figure it all out and weigh the pros and cons. Do a lot of research up there see what house’s job’s school’s and the like are up there. It may be a much better place for my kids and school as well this would make my school problems a lot easier as well. I know if I don’t let Father of the year go he will pitch a bitch and fight me. But if he really wants to be closer to them let him go to NC with his brothers. He won’t be right next to them but at least he could get a job get settled and then work on getting closer or come and seeing them. He is a big boy it is time for him to figure something out on his own not follow me and be up my ass all the time looking for me to help him. I don’t need another child I got 4 to take care of and have taken care of him for almost 10 years. Let his family do something for him for change.

{June 28, 2014}   A Good Mom & A Good Person

As I posted earlier in A Day With The Boys I took the kids and one of their new friends to the Dino Store here by us. i was talking to the brother before we left and he was telling me thank you for taking him and to let him know if he didn’t listen or behave. I told him I wasn’t worried about it he seemed like a good kid and I didn’t think I would have any problems out of him. If I did I wouldn’t have even asked him to come.

He said he knew and that he knew how I was with my kids and the other kids. He said I was a good mom because I do take care of them and do for them. He said and your a good person to, to think of him and stopping to see if he could go.

I said thank you, he then said something that struck me and stuck with me. He said you really are and I don’t think you hear it near as much as you should. He said something about things not being as they should be or things not being right down there. Referring to my house.

I don’t know why it stuck with me the way it did. I think because for once someone see’s how things really are and understands. With out being told and with out being around very much. Just from the little bit that he has been around. That he didn’t just brush it off or make light of it like it is no big deal like most do. Not like if I am talking to someone about it and they act like I am blowing things way our of portion and that he is Mr. Wonderful or Father of the year like he tries to portray himself to be. The fact that he didn’t have to say anything but he did and wanted me to know how he felt. He didn’t mean anything by it other than just a compliment nothing more nothing less.

I have to say it felt good to be trusted and have someone say such a thing. As odd as that may sound. But I have been fighting with depression again the last few weeks. I have been feeling really down and alone, as if no one really cared or seen. I am here with kids 24/7 anywhere and everywhere I go everything I do I have kids with me or am doing for the kids taking care of the kids. I love them I really do if I didn’t I wouldn’t do even half the things I do with and for them. But I feel like all I do is give and do for everyone and never get anything in return.

Yes my kids love me I know that and get hugs and kisses and the little things from them they give me. But it isn’t the same. It don’t fill that empty spot you have, it don’t take a way the lonely feeling, it don’t give back in the way that you need.  They aren’t meant to, that isn’t their roll.

It don’t even have to be a significant other, boyfriend, girlfriend, or someone your interested in that way. It’s just a friend or someone like today who notices when you don’t think anyone dose to say something like he did. That can make all the difference in the world. I have not had a real conversation with another adult in months. That I wasn’t chasing kids or doing something with the kids. I haven’t had anyone at all say anything to me personally about me or how I’m doing feeling or anything. Not since I went up to the radio station a while back and sat and talked to my friend why he was working. It was nice to just sit and talk and like today not be judged or made to feel like I am in the wrong for all this because I don’t want to keep living this way and want the divorce. Then again he has lived with father of the year as well and worked with him and knows first hand how he is and can be. He understands. He is in a crazy position right now as well and we can relate to each other. We have known each other most our life he is like my brother. When he got done that night we locked up and stood outside the studio by the cars and talked for a while and finally got ready to leave. I went to walk a way and he called me back and gave me a hug. That was a surprise because I can’t remember him ever giving me a hug in all the years we have been friends. But it was nice and I really needed it. Because like now it had been forever since I had been hugged or just felt that someone really cared. Probably since me and RC split up.

With everyone else we talk about what is going on with the kids, whats coming up that needs to be taken care of or what we are going to do next to get them together so they can play or whatever. I don’t feel like we ever really sit down and talk about whats really going on in our life or if something is wrong. We are at two different places in life and come from different places so we don’t relate on a more personal note. My one friend that I have started talking to I met through RC we are the same in different places but I do feel that she dose care and understands where I am at because she was a single mom and been through a lot of the somethings. Then there is my friend who watched the dogs we are a lot a like and been through a lot of the somethings from divorce to having to live with out ex and the kids and everything. Our personalities are a lot a like as well. Like she said we click more and understand each other more and have more of the same out look on things than the friend we met though. Out of everyone her and my friend from the radio station I feel that I can really talk to who care listen understand and can relate. I don’t feel like they look at me and feel sorry for me or are to busy. But I haven’t gotten to spend much time with her or talk to her the last couple months because of being so busy with the kids and things and she has been sick again. I have to get my house back in order and get somethings set up with friends more. I am a social person and like to get out and around people. I don’t like feeling isolated and cut off even though I do like my alone time as much if not more.

{June 28, 2014}   A Day With The Boys

My big girl went with her friend and her mom and another friend of ours for the weekend. My friends daughter won a trip through girl scouts for Nickelodeon and then our friends mom got her a night at the time share at one of the animal kingdom resorts. When they leave the resort Monday they are going to go to Disney Quest.

I wanted to do something with the boys instead of just sitting here in the house all weekend. I am so tired of sitting in the house. I thought about the dinosaur store and deiced to take them there today. I asked my friend if she wanted to go and bring the little boy that she takes care of but he has been sick and she didn’t get back with me. I told Elisha he could ask the little boy down the street if he wanted to go with us. I have known his brother for years and know his dad. Father of the year knows his dad as well. I don’t really know the little boy or his mom. This is a new wife than the one he was with when I use to see them come through work way back and this is another little boy they had since then. His brother came over to let me know he was getting the mower and he would be back tomorrow to mow my yard for me. They don’t have a mower right now so he borrows mine and then when he gets done he cuts my yard for me letting him use it. I told him just borrow it put the gas back but he dose it anyway.

We stopped and he went and asked if he could go and he was allowed to go so he got ready and we went. I had never been didn’t know what to expect other than what I read online. But it was pretty cool. I wanted to take pictures but it is one of them places you can’t take pictures inside. Craziest things I have heard it’s a store nothing more nothing less. It isn’t like it is the white house or something. I think it is crazy we can’t take pictures in a government building either but we aren’t going to get off on to that.

They also have a area called the Adventure Zone, a fossil dig and something else called the beach bum dig or something. I am not sure what that was I was trying to watch the tv there and see what it all was but I had kids all asking what we were doing and 20 questions and amazed at all the Dino stuff they had. They all had to tell me about it and bring me to show me and they all had to do it all at the sometime. I am so glad they had such a good time. It was about the same price to do the fossil dig or go in the Adventure Zone. I told them all these where the two things we could do we had to pick one or the other but we couldn’t do both. they all agreed that going in the Adventure Zone would be fun and seeing all the animals. That is what we did.

It was neat they had the basketball games one for the littler kids and one for the adults they had my favorite ski ball. They had some since stuff to do and try. They had a bunch of huge snakes. They creep-ed me out a little it took some getting use to go in the room with all the tanks. Not like a few little ones in tanks most of them were a good 6 to 11 foot long. Then they had baby gators and two like 6 ft gators. They didn’t bother me it’s the snakes that really bother me.

My little bitty was so funny I took her in the room where they had the snakes and lizards she was walking around. She walked right up to this cage with a big snake in it and it started to move. there was one just over her head it started moving and going up toward the lid. She seen them and they moved she shot away from the cages backwards and was standing against my legs watching them. She finally in a few minutes got a little closer then sat in the middle of the floor and watched and watched them for a while. Then I showed her in the big glass windows the gators. She said oh oh oh ah ooh. Then she was calling them by the dogs name and looking at them. She is so cute she loves animals and when she see’s one and new ones she dose this little things where she sucks her bottom lip in and just smiles and gets excited I just love it. So cute with her little bold head.

We are now home they are playing with their little Dino skeletons they got and the baby is laying on the rug watching TV. I am tired I didn’t got to bed until almost 5 this morning and got up at 10 to get my girl finished packed and where she needed to be by 11. Then ran straight to take them after lunch.

The science stuff was neat and some of the games it was cool seeing the animals. But in my opinion the cost should be about half of what it really is per person. For all of it from the Adventure zone to the dig and the other thing they had. If the prices were half what they are I would have probably let the kids bundle and do all the different things because we got done way sooner than I thought we would. For the price I couldn’t do more than one even if I just had my two or three with me. But for where they are located they won’t drop the price they are right in the middle of the biggest tourist area around.  But they should have some kind of special for the ones of us who aren’t tourist.

None of the kids seemed to mind or complain they had a good time. So it was worth it. They are already asking to go back again.

{June 28, 2014}   Just a Recap

It has now been 14 days and 13 hours  like I said it was about to be 3 weeks) since I told them my roof was leaking really badly and needed to be fixed. It has been 12 days and about 11 hours since their maintenance person came out and said it needed a new roof. 7 days and   hours since the roofer was finally called and came out and told them it needed a new roof and 3 days and 3 hours since I got the email saying they were going to replace the roof. I bet you can guess what I am going to say next. Yep haven’t heard anything since from them about when they are going to start work on it. But they are taking care of it in a very timely manner don’t you know. I have even told them I have things with the kids I am in and out of the house for that I need to know when to expect someone so that I can be here if need be or make arrangements with them to have someone here, that we had things for the summer planed that I had to cancelled or post pone because of it and all. I will be calling them back in the morning. I won’t talk to him I know because he probably won’t be in the office but the lady I have been talking to should be. If I get no where with her I will be calling the other guy back on his cell phone because he sent it in the email that he sent. But I will be nice and go through proper channels before I start blowing his phone up.

{June 27, 2014}   Proud Of My Boy

We were at a birthday party on Sunday for my friends daughter so there were a bunch of kids around. My kids didn’t really know any of the other kids but they seemed to make friends pretty quick. I was really happy because even my big boy seemed to make friends and carry on a conversation with some of the other kids. It made me fell good to see him fitting in and not being left out or made fun of.

He made friend with one little girl in particular that he was talking to a lot of the time we were there. She was about a year older than him I think I heard and use to be pretty shy. She isn’t so much now but still coming around.

I am not sure what all took place or what happen as I was walking up. I heard my big boy say hey you don’t hit her. You aren’t supposed to hit a girl. The other kid said that’s my sister. My big boy said oh ok and looks at him for a second. Then he goes it don’t matter you don’t put your hands on a girl. ( all though him and his sister fight all the time and hit each other.) Nothing was said for a minute the girl said something to her brother and before it was over he was after her again with both hands grabbing her and trying to push her down. Really just kids being kids and brother and sister fighting nothing horrible. I’m glad I was standing there because my son went to go after him I had to stop him and make him stay out of it. I told the kids to knock it off and go play.

I was surpised because this is my boy who will let others pick on him and tease him and have him so upset. He gets so mad and talks about the way they do and all kinds of stuff and how he would like to hit them but he won’t. I can’t say it is the best thing to tell your child but it has gotten to the point before where they were coming in my yard and bothering him and I told him to go ahead and hit them. They have no right to come in my yard and bother him when he isn’t bothering anyone else and when they have been told and they stand up and mock adults and make fun of them. Sometimes it is the only way to get them to leave you alone. But he wouldn’t do it he would say I can’t do that your not supposed to hit or I want to but what if they hit me back or their friend comes and things.

This time it wasn’t even someone messing with him or picking on him and he was ready to fight. I guess it being a girl really just hit that cord with him. Because he had it out for that kid the rest of the day. I heard him yelling stuff at him a few times after that I guess the kid did something he didn’t like and then he was yelling at him when he was leaving. I had to tell him to stop and not to do that. That he was being rude it wan’t his party or his guest. I am proud of him for standing up for others I just wish he would stand up for himself.

{June 25, 2014}   A Sigh Of Relief

This morning I woke up and checked my email to see if I had gotten a response from the property managers office about the roof since I know I will turn blue and pass out waiting on a phone call after yesterday’s conversation. I was rather surprised to find one. The subject said roof replacement!!! They are going to replace the roof not just send Twee Tel Dee and Twee Tel Dumb up there to patch it. I am very happy that it is going to be done properly and I don’t have to worry about it blowing off in a strong storm or if we get a hurricane or if it just rains hard again.

They probably told them they dropped the ball didn’t take care of it in a timely manner. If they had to give me my rent back, all the money it cost to move in, my deposits and moving expense it would cost about what they want to put a roof on. He would still have the problem and the house would be sitting empty again for who knows how long. Once he got someone in here again the roof would have problems and he would then have to put out even more money to get the roof done like he should have to start with. Then he be out twice over the same problem. Maybe more if they didn’t fix it for weeks or a month like they have now and the other people got mad. This way he puts the money out for the roof we are happy and stay and pay our rent every month. With in 7 months of us paying rent he will have recuped his money from putting the roof on and replace the air and be back to turning a profit. He can’t be to hard up for money that it is going to be a huge big deal to him because he owns 4 properties that he rents out. He should know if you have rentals you have to have a good stash of money put back for things like this.

Anyone who owns a property they are renting out should make sure they have at least $1000 and to me that is on the low side in the bank for any repairs that may come up. Then when they start getting rent they should put at least half the rent every month into that account with the $1000 until it gets up to about $2500. Then just put a couple $100’s a month from the rent into the account every month as long as they rent it. This way if or when it needs a new roof the money is there. If it needs new stove or a/c the money is there. They aren’t pulling it out of their pocket or not having it and having more problems.

I am just happy they decided to go ahead and put the roof on and not just patch it. I know I won’t have to worry about moving now for at least another 9 months. If I get my kids settled in school and things seem to be working and I can afford to pay for the place on my own I just might stay here for another year. As long as they fix things on a timely manner and I don’t have to go through all this wait forever and things. But something tells me after yesterdays conversation I won’t be waiting for very long to have things taken care of if we have to call.

{June 24, 2014}   Patch It Of Course

The guy came back Sunday when we were not here and “patched” the roof. Yesterday I called to talk to the lady I have been dealing with and she wasn’t there and isn’t going to be back in the office until later this week. So I talk to the lady that answered. Told her who I was and what was going on and that they sent twee tel Dee and Twee tel Dumb out here and how they say they can patch the roof and get 2 more years out of it. That I don’t want to be going through this again in a few weeks or moths. She says she is going to have him call or email me because he is busy as well. The guy who is over making sure everything is taken care of. Last night it starts raining and like I figured it came pouring in the wall again. I was so mad I got the email from the guy last night.

He wanted to inform me that they came Sunday to put a temp patch on it and would be back to do a permanent patch later in the week. I probably didn’t know because I wasn’t here when they were. Then says if there is any damage done inside to please let him know so he can have it taken care of as well. I was so mad because he knows good and well there is damage inside and we have already talked about it and I sent him pictures of some of it.

I got up and went to the office today to talk to him face to face because by now I am so past mad and over my house being a mess like this and not being able to do stuff. He wasn’t there they didn’t know if or when he would be back today. She called him told him I was there and not happy and it was still leaking in everywhere.

He called me and I told him I was not happy that I had waited and been more than patient with this and them getting it fixed and that it wasn’t done in a timely manner. He was telling me it was and they were going to patch it and they had to wait for it to not rain and be dry. I let him know I knew that they hadn’t even bothered to call the roofer until a week after the first guy came out and told them it needed a new roof and that then I had to call and ask for 3 days why they hadn’t done anything. He said I couldn’t possibly know that because I didn’t know the company that was coming out. I told him oh but I did because his people told me. I had called them to get a time because I had doctors appointments and didn’t want to bother them anymore. They told me they knew nothing about the leak who I was or my house. He just kept telling me that stuff was in the past and all this. He was trying to get it taken care of now but it was rainy season and there was rain yesterday and supposed to be rain today. I said so what you are telling me is that you don’t know when they are going to fix it because if they think it might rain they won’t do it. I see people getting new roofs and patches all around me so I am sure they could patch mine too. Before it was over with I just told him that I expected it to be fixed right a way and properly not patched and leaking again in a few days and not going to blow off in tropical storm or hurricane that could come up anytime. He said well yours wouldn’t be the only one. I said nope and mine probably wouldn’t at all if you had it fixed right. I shouldn’t have to sit here and hope it don’t and wait to see. I told him I was tired of cleaning up the mess from it and that i had my stuff out and that I wasn’t cleaning no more mess up it could lay back there and whatever damage it caused they would just have to tell the owner they needed to pay to have it taken care of too. I should be compensated for my time cleaning and enconvince off dealing with all this why they have done nothing and that if they were going to patch it and needed to do it when it wasn’t raining why didn’t they come all that first week and do it when it thank god hadn’t rained. He just kept saying that’s in the past and what they want to do now.

Then he was telling me I could not use that room for a bedroom and it was a porch. It is not a porch at all it is a block room with windows doors closet and air. He keep insisting it wasn’t a room I couldn’t use it for that. I finally said ok fine I will just get off here and call code enforcement and have them come out and talk to them about it and see what they say. I wouldn’t want to break any code enforcement rules while living in the home. Oh no no now you don’t have to do that I’m not going to tell you how you can use the room or what you have back there. He knows they come see that leak they are going to get on to them and they are going to say something everyone else is roof isn’t right it has to be a new roof and it can’t sit there like that leaking with people living in it. I told him I know code says to be a bedroom it has to be so such square space have a closet have air and windows that it was more than the square footage and had everything else. I said I do know the law and regulations I have family that was a agent and who leased property for years and I have family who is a state licensed contractor.

I said something I probably shouldn’t have and if it comes down to it I don’t know what I will do but they could come back with the same reply if I hadn’t said it. I finally got mad and told him to give me my money back I would go find something else and let the next person they find to rent it to have the headache of the leak or it blowing off. He said we could end the lease but you wouldn’t get any money back you have had use of the property. I said oh but yes I am intitled to my money back for the time this has taken to get fixed and still isn’t and I am intitled to all the money I had to pay to get in here and all my deposites back. I am also owed moving fees at this point if they don’t want to fix it properly. I didn’t say that I didn’t think about it at the time. When I said that though his whole town changed and it was well I am going to call the owner back and nudge him to go ahead and fix the roof would that be ok with you. I said send someone else to patch it or what. He said put a new roof on thats what your wanting isn’t it. I said I want use of my house like I am supposed to have I want to know that I am not going to be sitting here in a week or two or month or when we have a bad storm and my roof is going to start gushing again and I am going to have my house tore apart like this again for who knows how long. they have temp patched it twice now and either time did it work it is worse now than when he did what ever he did Sunday. I also at one point told him I should just call my lawyer and see what he advised and what he felt we were owed for all of this. He said you don’t have to do that I can tell you that you can send a Certified letter to fix with in 7 days and if it isn’t done you can pay your money to the court. I said yes just what I am talking about I know this but I would rather talk to him let him handle it and make sure nothing is filled out wrong or missed. When I started talking about the lawyer and/or wanting my money back he said yeah because we do have to have it done with in so long and it hasn’t been taken care of. So right there he admitted they were in the wrong they dropped the ball and it should have been done before now. He told me to please wait and give him a chance to talk to the owner and advise him what he really needed to get done and see if he could get him to do it and he would get back with me tonight or in the morning by phone call or email. I can bet you $100 he won’t call me back after today because I wasn’t taking his excuse and bullshit and I know the law and that they are in the wrong. He seen I wasn’t a push over like he thought who didn’t know my rights. I still haven’t heard from him but he better hope I do before lunch or I will be getting the ball rolling with the courts. I told him I love the house it works great for us and we are very happy here and really don’t want to move but I am not going to be done this way. So we shall see as the waiting game continues.

This isn’t something I ever thought I would have to consider before I had kids. It was pretty cut and dry they would be in public school. I had my reasons for feeling this way and still feel this way to a point. They all have their good and their bad but it seems that they are all are about on the same level anymore.

I didn’t like the idea of private school because all though the kids seem to get a good academic education, they seem to come out kind of clueless about every day life and  dealing with people and situations. I went to school with a lot of kids in middle and high school who went to private school. They were smart but when it came to coping and functioning and dealing with others and everyday life they were lost. They seemed to be very sheltered to how things really work and the way people are. I have talked to other parents who felt the same way that private school just shelter the kids to much.

Home schooling is good but I feel that it don’t give the kids a chance to really develop that independence that going to school making friends going to school functions and things give kids that are in school. I also feel that the home schooled kids missed out on a lot that kids in school didn’t like trips, clubs and activities. They were a little sheltered as well. But I know that the sheltered thing has a lot to do with the parents and how involved they want their child to be in things and how much they put into making sure they learn the dealings with other people and everyday things. I think a lot had to do with so few people were home schooling as well. There were less chances at getting kids together with other kids in the area to let them make friends or do different things with like you would do at school.

I do believe that as home school continues to evolve that it is going to out number the kids who are in public and private schools. I am coming to think that with the changes that home schooling is more the way to go as well.

I use to feel that you could get a good education at most public schools. If you got into a good one and you had parents that care. You get the peer interaction and are there with a diverse population of people. You don’t have to like the things other people do nor they have to like the things that you do. But you all do have to learn to co exist and  get through it. School is not any different than a job or anything else in life.

I have heard a lot of people say I don’t want my kid to be exposed to the things that go on in public schools. There are to many drugs, clicks, sex, kids getting in trouble and doing what they want to do. Number one if you think these things are not happening in private school you are very miss informed. The difference between public and private is this. Public schools don’t hide it can’t hide it like private schools do. Private schools try to hide it brush it under the rug through it out and make it go a way. Public schools try to come up with ways to stop the problems and educate the kids about this stuff as private tries to pretend it don’t happen or exist.  Some of the things they are sheltered from.

I would rather my kids learn about these things and learn how to handle them and avoid them their self now than be clueless as an adult. It comes down to being active and teaching your kids what you expect of them and about the bad things out there. Not shelter them from it all their life and then toss them out there in the middle of it all when they are adults to figure it out. I have seen so many who went through private school and home school with the very over protective and sheltering parents. They just don’t do well they get into a lot of bed situations or avoid taken care of things because they just don’t know how. I have seen this up close and personal with my sisters and with a few good friends.

Like I said this is not all kids that go to private or home school but it seems to be a good amount of them. I am sure a lot of it has to do with the area that I am in too. But these are my reason for not wanting to do home school or private school. But I can tell you that my opinions and out look are really starting to change.

{June 23, 2014}   A Day To Rest

Yesterday was a very busy day we got up early and went to the flea market and to pick up something for my son I had been trying to get for weeks. Then we came home and went straight to a b day party for the rest of the day. It was at the park so the kids had fun running around playing with the other kids and meeting new kids. It of-course rained because it is FL and that is what it dose everyday. The kids just played like nothing was going on. It wasn’t lightening or anything so not a big deal. My baby girl had a blast even though she never even went to the play ground area and played but for about 10 minutes out of the hours we were there. Someone brought their little dog and she played and played with it and held it like it was her stuffed animal. She ran around and played in the rain and just laughed. We left baby boy keeps asking when we can go to the party again. He wants to see all the people and play. They always have fun and love to have people over and around. If we ever get this roof fixed I can have their slumber parties and then do some other things. I am supposed to have a birthday party for my friend who’s daughters party I was just at yesterday some time in the next couple months.

With everything going on I forgot to put dinner on before we left last night. So I had to come home and cook something. I made homemade eggplant Parmesan  with spaghetti squash. I don’t care for either one and the kids had never had either. They asked to try eggplant so we got some at the store the other night. I decided they may as well try the squash too. My big boy and baby girl loved it. Baby girl was sitting in her chair going yum um um yummy yummy and eating it up. My big boy had about 5 big slices of it. He asked for the one slice I asked if he wanted more of the squash and he said no my squash spot in my belly is full but my eggplant spot still has room for more. My big girl said the eggplant was good but I could tell it wasn’t something she would want to eat to much. The other one as always is just didn’t want to eat. He has been on this kick for a month or two now of not eating. He will eat hardly nothing for days then eat and eat for a day or two and then go back to not eating. He drives me crazy sometimes the way he eats. Just glad they liked it and found something new to make once in a while. Big boy said it was added to his favorite list.

{June 22, 2014}   Just Want To Be Loved

I just want to feel loved I want to feel like someone cares about me for a change wants to be with me. I want to hold hands I want to be held I want to be touched. I don’t only want to be loved again I want to love again. I want to look forward to phone calls and random text I want to look forward to the end of the day when they get off work and come over to visit or come home. I want to have the little things and do the little things that you have and do in a relationship. I want to lay down in bed at night and have that person there holding me or them there to hold as I fall a sleep. I want to feel like I am not just giving giving giving all the time. I want to feel that I am being given too as well. That I’m not only building them and the kids up and taking care of them but that someone is taking care of me. I miss the holding hands as we walk along the random hugs and kisses just because or because it’s been a long day and you needed it. I miss being able to just walk over and give a quick kiss or hug when it feels like everything is just getting out of control. I miss really being a family.

Like right now I just want to be able to just walk up lay my head on his chest and have him put his arms around me and hold close and tight. I miss that everything is ok even if it is just for the time being feeling you get when they do. The feeling of not being alone and that we are in it together and we are going to be ok. The when you see them or they are around you can’t stop smiling and when they are gone you can’t stop thinking about them. the con ford and peace they bring you. I miss the stimulation mentally and physically from being with someone. Being able to talk about anything and everything. Being able to joke around and play around and just have fun. Not worry about being your self or doing crazy things. Being fully accepted for who you are and fully accepting the other person for who they are.

I am just rambling but it has really been bothering me more and more it seems. The sad thing is there isn’t even anywhere to go around here to meet someone decent. I have no one to go out and hang out with to try to meet someone. If I go out I am sitting there alone staring at the wall. I don’t care to go to the bars once in a while and have a drink play pool and watch everyone sing. But I don’t like to go and sit by myself and I don’t really care to go there to meet guys. Around here the odds are if they are there they live there and that isn’t what I’m looking for. I hardly ever go and don’t really want to go all that much. other than that though there isn’t anywhere. Even when I am places that are decent places and see someone who seems like someone I may be interested in talking to or if someone talks to me. They aren’t as decent as they seem or as ok as they seem. They have a habit or a record of some kind. I can’t have habits around I just went through that with RC and din’t even know what was going on til it was to late. I can’t do it again even knowing from the start. I am I am not mentally, physically, or spiritually in a place that I can help someone like that and be in that kind of  relationship with them. I also understand that people make mistakes and things but it isn’t a mistake when you keep doing it and you keep getting in trouble. I am almost 34 years old and have 4 kids to worry about and take care of. I can’t be dealing with their messes they make and bring on their self. I need someone who is responsible and ready to do what needs to be done. Someone who is ready to be an adult and have and do something with their life or who are. I can’t seem to find that around here, I always have the wrong kinds of guys trying to talk to me. As much as I want to meet someone I know it is going to be a while before I really do. I have to get out of the situation I am in and things first. Because even if I was to meet someone right now who is going to want to be with someone in this mess that I am in? I can’t really blame them either.

I think it is harder for me right now to being in this situation because father of the year is here and I have to see and deal with him 24/7. We aren’t together and haven’t been for years I think about where we are now how he has done and still dose and how he acts like and says he cares so much to everyone and how he dose behind closed doors. I think about how things use to be and wonder why they went the way they did. To think he use to be the one I went to for everything and now I can’t go to him for anything. I could but it’s just not there. It just makes me so mad that the way things went and the way things are. In a time like this when I feel the way I do I should be able to go to him and I can’t and he don’t care and is fine living like this from now on. Why I feel like I am dying a slow painful death. I feel like a little bits of me die through out the day as I try to get things done and take care of things. I just don’t understand how some people can treat people the way they do and say they care about them. He tells me all the time how much he still loves me and wants to be with me and he wants his wife back. Mostly he tells me how bad he wants me. I really feel the love from that. I know things are a complete fucked up mess between us to the point we have not been together in I don’t know how many years and we have not only filed for a divorce and you have a baby by someone else but I really want you right now and wish you would just please be with me and let me show you how much I love you. That just makes me want to jump right in bed with him. NOT!!!! The other night he was asking me again if he could lay down with me and hold me and trying to be all touchy feel y, rubbing my feet then trying to rub up my leg and touch me. I say something and he gets mad. never dose he or has he said look I know things are the way they are and have went the way they have but I really do love you and want you back. Can we just talk and try to start over and give it another chance. With out putting in there how it is all my fault and I am the one who needs to change followed with how bad he wants me right now and what he would like to do. One is always followed by the other. If I called into where he is right now and said you know what lets try to work on things and see if we could get back together he would get around to telling me if I would change this or that and did this and then want to follow me to bed and have his hands all over me and try to do other stuff. To him working it out is lets just have sex and not talk about any of it pretend it never happened and go from here. If it is brought up tell me how it is my fault he is trying he wanted to but or make up something. I’m not that way and it isn’t going to happen. I don’t have feelings for him there are no getting feelings back. I still can’t stand the thought of him touching me. He was all trying to rub my back and put his arm around me and things again tonight. I keep telling him to stop or moving. I know he don’t like it but what dose he expect.

I have done more than enough rambling and going on’s for one night. I know it probably makes no it probably sounds crazy but I just need to have that connection with someone. I talk to the kids and play with them and we snuggle and hug and things. But it just isn’t the same. There is a contention that you get with a partner that you just won’t find with someone else be it a friend family member or the kids. There is a space they can’t fill or touch. No matter how hard they try.

et cetera
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