{June 10, 2014}   What A Sunday

Yesterday we were having a relaxing day just being lazy around the house. I had stayed up late going through the living room pulling stuff out and moving stuff around. I got a stand for my frog tank and had to make a place for it and wanted to go ahead and move it around so that when I get my fish tank I have a place ready for it just have to bring it in and set it up.

I said I guessed I was going to try to find two kids to watch here at the house. If I did that I should be able to move. He said something about he thought he was the one moving out. I said then you can move either way. But that one of us had to stay in the house at least til the lease was up. That I was looking at putting the kids in school closer to Titusville so I would probably move back up that way.

He started about not being able to afford to get a place and where he was going to go and that I was just kicking him out or moving off and leaving him. That he was doing all he could to maintain here and things. Well he hasn’t done anything to try to get a job making more money. He could move up at work and make 3 x what he makes now but won’t do what he needs to do to do that. They have told him that if he gets his shit together they would move him up. He keeps doing the same old same. It isn’t my fault he thinks he can still do everything on father of the year time and not on normal time like everyone else.

I am not just kicking him out or moving off and leaving him. He has known this since I came back that I was going to get a job and get a place that we are not back together or going to be back together. He is just happy living like this. I said that to him then he was just happy to live like this from now on that I wasn’t going to do what needed to be done to maintain here. That I was going to do what needed to be done to get me and the kids a place and have a life and live. That we didn’t want to just maintain from now on. He started freaking out yelling and screaming at me that I was heartless and didn’t care and that I was selfish and didn’t care about anyone but myself and that I didn’t care about anyone not even the kids. I was so mad. He is jumping around stomping around here in the house yelling this and doing this in front of the kids and where they can hear it. Because I don’t want to take care of him or worry about where he is going to be and live the rest of his life because he can’t take care of himself. I told him no I did care about them that is why I wanted to get a place and do better for them and me. That he knew I wanted to get a job for the last two years and he has yet to offer any options or ideas for daycare or come home when he had a job he could and watch the kids. He said he didn’t want to live like this he wanted to get out of here and move on and find someone who cared about him not keep living like this either. So I asked him why he didn’t do what he was supposed to to move up at work and why he didn’t come home so that I could get a job and we wouldn’t be in a jam every time we turned around.

All I got was he is and he is working on it and how everyone else is and blah blah blah bullshit. Then later he is telling the baby he was sorry he yelled at me in front of her. As if that is going to do anything. She is already scared of guys and won’t let them hold her and gets upset if they try. She clings to me if they talk to her because she isn’t use to them being around or doing anything for her. She was starting to do better and now I’m sure that she will be back to hiding. She didn’t want to be around him for a while after that. But this is what i am supposed to keep living with and having my kids around all the time. I have called shelters and everything else but still can’t get help. I can’t get help with daycare because they tell me with him working and me working and the money I get for my son I make to much. But I don’t have it to get them started or to even find a job. I don’t mind paying for it I just can’t get a job with out it and I can’t pay it until I get a job and get out of this hole and I can’t pay it if I have a job and they want more than what I make in a week. I just want help to get me and the kids a place of our own and on our feet so that we don’t have to have help and need help and we aren’t homeless every time I turn around or behind on everything because someone takes the money and dose whatever with it and don’t pay the bill. Lies about paying it or have to fight and beg to get the money to pay it.

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