{June 22, 2014}   Just Want To Be Loved

I just want to feel loved I want to feel like someone cares about me for a change wants to be with me. I want to hold hands I want to be held I want to be touched. I don’t only want to be loved again I want to love again. I want to look forward to phone calls and random text I want to look forward to the end of the day when they get off work and come over to visit or come home. I want to have the little things and do the little things that you have and do in a relationship. I want to lay down in bed at night and have that person there holding me or them there to hold as I fall a sleep. I want to feel like I am not just giving giving giving all the time. I want to feel that I am being given too as well. That I’m not only building them and the kids up and taking care of them but that someone is taking care of me. I miss the holding hands as we walk along the random hugs and kisses just because or because it’s been a long day and you needed it. I miss being able to just walk over and give a quick kiss or hug when it feels like everything is just getting out of control. I miss really being a family.

Like right now I just want to be able to just walk up lay my head on his chest and have him put his arms around me and hold close and tight. I miss that everything is ok even if it is just for the time being feeling you get when they do. The feeling of not being alone and that we are in it together and we are going to be ok. The when you see them or they are around you can’t stop smiling and when they are gone you can’t stop thinking about them. the con ford and peace they bring you. I miss the stimulation mentally and physically from being with someone. Being able to talk about anything and everything. Being able to joke around and play around and just have fun. Not worry about being your self or doing crazy things. Being fully accepted for who you are and fully accepting the other person for who they are.

I am just rambling but it has really been bothering me more and more it seems. The sad thing is there isn’t even anywhere to go around here to meet someone decent. I have no one to go out and hang out with to try to meet someone. If I go out I am sitting there alone staring at the wall. I don’t care to go to the bars once in a while and have a drink play pool and watch everyone sing. But I don’t like to go and sit by myself and I don’t really care to go there to meet guys. Around here the odds are if they are there they live there and that isn’t what I’m looking for. I hardly ever go and don’t really want to go all that much. other than that though there isn’t anywhere. Even when I am places that are decent places and see someone who seems like someone I may be interested in talking to or if someone talks to me. They aren’t as decent as they seem or as ok as they seem. They have a habit or a record of some kind. I can’t have habits around I just went through that with RC and din’t even know what was going on til it was to late. I can’t do it again even knowing from the start. I am I am not mentally, physically, or spiritually in a place that I can help someone like that and be in that kind of  relationship with them. I also understand that people make mistakes and things but it isn’t a mistake when you keep doing it and you keep getting in trouble. I am almost 34 years old and have 4 kids to worry about and take care of. I can’t be dealing with their messes they make and bring on their self. I need someone who is responsible and ready to do what needs to be done. Someone who is ready to be an adult and have and do something with their life or who are. I can’t seem to find that around here, I always have the wrong kinds of guys trying to talk to me. As much as I want to meet someone I know it is going to be a while before I really do. I have to get out of the situation I am in and things first. Because even if I was to meet someone right now who is going to want to be with someone in this mess that I am in? I can’t really blame them either.

I think it is harder for me right now to being in this situation because father of the year is here and I have to see and deal with him 24/7. We aren’t together and haven’t been for years I think about where we are now how he has done and still dose and how he acts like and says he cares so much to everyone and how he dose behind closed doors. I think about how things use to be and wonder why they went the way they did. To think he use to be the one I went to for everything and now I can’t go to him for anything. I could but it’s just not there. It just makes me so mad that the way things went and the way things are. In a time like this when I feel the way I do I should be able to go to him and I can’t and he don’t care and is fine living like this from now on. Why I feel like I am dying a slow painful death. I feel like a little bits of me die through out the day as I try to get things done and take care of things. I just don’t understand how some people can treat people the way they do and say they care about them. He tells me all the time how much he still loves me and wants to be with me and he wants his wife back. Mostly he tells me how bad he wants me. I really feel the love from that. I know things are a complete fucked up mess between us to the point we have not been together in I don’t know how many years and we have not only filed for a divorce and you have a baby by someone else but I really want you right now and wish you would just please be with me and let me show you how much I love you. That just makes me want to jump right in bed with him. NOT!!!! The other night he was asking me again if he could lay down with me and hold me and trying to be all touchy feel y, rubbing my feet then trying to rub up my leg and touch me. I say something and he gets mad. never dose he or has he said look I know things are the way they are and have went the way they have but I really do love you and want you back. Can we just talk and try to start over and give it another chance. With out putting in there how it is all my fault and I am the one who needs to change followed with how bad he wants me right now and what he would like to do. One is always followed by the other. If I called into where he is right now and said you know what lets try to work on things and see if we could get back together he would get around to telling me if I would change this or that and did this and then want to follow me to bed and have his hands all over me and try to do other stuff. To him working it out is lets just have sex and not talk about any of it pretend it never happened and go from here. If it is brought up tell me how it is my fault he is trying he wanted to but or make up something. I’m not that way and it isn’t going to happen. I don’t have feelings for him there are no getting feelings back. I still can’t stand the thought of him touching me. He was all trying to rub my back and put his arm around me and things again tonight. I keep telling him to stop or moving. I know he don’t like it but what dose he expect.

I have done more than enough rambling and going on’s for one night. I know it probably makes no it probably sounds crazy but I just need to have that connection with someone. I talk to the kids and play with them and we snuggle and hug and things. But it just isn’t the same. There is a contention that you get with a partner that you just won’t find with someone else be it a friend family member or the kids. There is a space they can’t fill or touch. No matter how hard they try.

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